torn up

Sometimes I really don't get T's - this sounds like a really hard, painful experience - I hope you can find some peace from the intensity of the feelings.

Yes. Being assaulted would cause your PTSD symptoms to flourish. In addition, if you were assaulted in ways that hurt your head and/or smothering or choking or strangulation, it could have caused a temporary brain injury which could also intensify PTSD symptoms.

Your T is an idiot for blaming you for your traumas.

Anne

I remember the last time you were going to find a new T because your T was dealing with a lot of personal problems and not giving you the attention that you deserved and needed. If that's over with for her, and she's still suggesting termination, I think it's time. I know personally how hard it is to change Ts, but you deserve more help than your T is able to give you. It's not your fault! It may not be your T's fault either! A different approach may be just what you need right now. It doesn't mean your therapy was a failure. It just means it's time to move on.

So sorry you're going through this, Zoo. Maybe you've just got as far as you can with this T.

I feel awful for coming here with this after being mostly absent for the last several months. Thank you so much for supporting me in spite of that.

I'm reaching out as much as I can. I called my case manager this morning and again this afternoon but she may be out of the office. I called the local crisis line, third time this week. I have been emailing and posting and texting and calling everyone who cares about me. Crying and crying and crying.

Inside me is this little, little girl who is so hurt and who needs her mommy to come and fix it. Mommy is the only one who can fix it, and somehow T has become mommy. That girl feels like mommy is the only one who can help, and mommy is the one causing the hurt. I'm trying to soothe her without letting her run the show, because while she is part of me she is not all of me, and the rest of me has responsibilities to attend to.

She keeps changing the boundaries, and you keep taking the blame. And then, when she knows you're already feeling hopeless, she tells you not to hope for anything better because this is as good as it will ever be.
I think it's healthy to realistically recognize and accept our limitations, because we all have them. But a competent therapist would never try to destroy your hope at a time when you need it most. That's not therapeutic. That's just cruel.

preacher, thank you. I mean, thank all of you, but that post especially helped a lot. I'm so caught up in the emotions of this, it is hard if not impossible to get any perspective on it.

But yes, she keeps changing the boundaries, and every time she does it creates a lot of pain for me. I wonder if she isn't aware deep down that she's doing that, because when this kind of emotion gets stirred up in me she almost always reacts with anger and with pushing me away. I think she doesn't want to see or face that she has made mistakes that have hurt me.

I don't blame her for all the problems, at all. I know that I can be difficult and frustrating at times. I told her that today, actually, and I tell her a lot: I know I'm impossible to deal with when I'm like this. And then I ask: Please help me learn how to not be impossible to deal with.

She told me today that she's taking Monday off, and she doesn't work Fridays anyway, so she has a 4 day weekend coming up and I know she needs it. She sounded tired, sad, and frazzled when we spoke this morning. I'm going to try my very hardest to leave her alone for those 4 days and give us both time to think and reflect.

I hadn't actually been contacting her on the weekends much lately, but I know it will be hard when I have so much hurt and confusion that only she can clear up. It will be hard, but it's what we both need. More importantly, it's what I need. I need to learn ways to get through this stuff without T.

adding more to follow up on my post from this morning: my case manager is out sick today. I'm hoping she will be back tomorrow so I can talk to her before the weekend. The main thing I want to talk about with her is my options regarding finding another T. The case mgr herself has offered to be my T in the past, but she only has a BA and isn't a therapist really. I just think I need to deal with someone who has more experience and training in dealing with people like me.

Bad T's give good T's a bad name. So sorry you got stuck with a bad T.

((((((Zoo)))))) I have thought a lot about what to post to you on this.
You have had so much pain in your life. And you try so hard to do what you need to do in order to heal. I applaud you for that.

Here are my views on this.
1) No matter how recent the trauma, it is NOT the fault of the one who is being hurt.
It is NOT your fault. Period.

2) That T does not sound like she needs to treat you for trauma. Trauma therapists are different. They use the DBT and CBT skills, but the interaction with the client is very different. And many Ts (like mine) who are trauma specialists actually know that it is sometimes VITAL for a client to have a T on a long term basis. There is nothing at all wrong with that type of a relationship. Even my T has his own long-term T for his trauma.

3) Trauma and PTSD can be healed up to the point where the effects on the survivor are very minimal. Even when new trauma happens, we learn how to manage the impact. We learn how to reach out for the support we need. Telling a client that they have to "live with it" is not acceptable.

You DESERVE your wellness.
You DESERVE a T who is trained in trauma recovery and PTSD.

Also ask about EMDR therapy. That is what my T is using on me and it has made a HUGE impact for me.
You can do this. You can make it.

I appreciate your sentiment, sky. I just want to stay for the record that I don't really believe my T is a "bad" T. She has made mistakes, and those cause me pain, which I come here and post about in an attempt to understand and alleviate that pain. Just reading what I have posted here, I'm sure it seems like my T is cruel and unethical.

I have also posted here about the moments of real healing and connection between T and I, but I'm sure the negative outweigh the positive.

I'm just saying that, I know my posts paint my T in a mostly negative manner, because it is those things that I need help processing, and because this place is for me, not for T.

If I was trying to paint an accurate picture of T as a therapist, it would be different. I'm not doing that, though. I am telling you guys things she says or does, and that is accurate, but I'm not telling everything simply because there is no way to write out every interaction between us. I'm here, talking about the things that hurt and confuse me, and I appreciate the opportunity to do so. I can only imagine how crazy making this would be if I was going through it all on my own.

Does this make sense to anyone? I'm just saying: the T you see in my posts is my T, and there are other parts of her that you do not see in my posts that are also my T. And there are parts of her that I don't see at all, and those are her, too.

My journey with this T is coming to an end, and I am attempting to reach that end with as much grace and joy as possible. I want to be able to look back at this time without negative feelings about T. And then, I will look for a new T, and I will make sure from the outset that it is ok for it to be long term if I need it to be. I will make sure she is experienced with trauma. I will make sure she is familiar with DBT skills, because I need to continue to hone those skills. And more than any of that, I will make sure that I don't build so much of myself in T that it is devastating to lose her. I don't want to go through this pain again. There has to be a way to learn to trust without losing myself in the process.

I have to heal what I can with T because I will carry the wounds with me forever otherwise. And I have to learn through this so I don't make the same mistakes again.

((((((((((zoo))))))))))

I just want you to know you are on my mind.

I am very very sorry
Is her name sharon because she sounds exactly like my old T !
I am so sorry she isnt giving what you need. This is all so painful. I am so sorry youre hurting.

I want to apologize for my previous post. I have no business name calling anybody's T and that was insensitive and I should have realized this was not supportive to you. I still believe what I believe because of my training and experience in helping traumatized people as a lawyer. No one is to blame for the traumas inflicted by others.

Sorry,
Anne

3rdtimes, I appreciate your apology, but it's not necessary. It certainly didn't offend me, and I think it may have actually made me feel a little supported because you felt strongly enough to speak the way you did. I appreciate your input and you are entitled to your opinion.

I guess deep down I want to think my T didn't mean it the way I heard it, and I want to give her a chance to explain that. Not for her, but for me, because if I don't give her that opportunity then I will wonder forever, and I will also carry those words around with me. If she can explain, somehow take back that statement, then I know I will feel better in the long run.

No, her name's not Sharon.