Embarrassing things we talk about in therapy! YIKES!

You would all scream "TMI" at me through the internet if I told you.

Another was telling my T how I had had fantasies in which my husband died. It seemed like his death would solve all my problems, so I used to daydream about it. I know it's awful to essentially wish someone would die, so I felt very embarrassed admitting that to T.

...everything I do is to excess...

With the masturbation issue, how does one know if it is being used to take away the anxiety or being used as an unhealthy thing? What is healthy and what isn't?

It's something I feel HORRIBLE about. Just HORRIBLE. No one ever talked to me about it. I thought it was abnormal for females.

Do other people have this awful shame about it?

Sure it's better to mention something when it happens; but not everyone can do that, and then the opportunity is gone. Unless it's brought up again later with other things and then what is the degree of risk?

I guess I will get this started. My topic for tomorrow is masturbation. Holy Moly!

I did it!! I almost died, but I talked about masturbation. I ended up crawling out of my seat onto the floor and hid behind her desk!! OMG! I was just about to lose it. I asked her to give me a 5 minute break.

Then she came to the floor with me and started asking me questions. She was trying to figure out why I was hurting so bad. By now I was sobbing. I had so many thoughts going through my mind. The hurt that my husband has done to me. The thoughts that we could never have a fulfilling sex life together. The pain that I have because I am turning to other things to fulfill that need I have. I don't want to do that. I would rather have sex with my husband, but he can't. So what am I to do?

I was so embarrassed. I cannot even begin to express to you how it felt to admit that to her. I did have my notes written out for this session. Once she started reading them, she knew. I didn't come right out and say it, but it was obvious what I was talking about.

Then she said it, "Are you masturbating?" Holy Crap! Talk about wanting to pee in your pants or throw up! She was very frank with the discussion. She didn't seem to be shy about it at all.

We did talk about the stalker thing and she asked me, "If this had turned out to be someone else (other than your husband) how would you feel about it? Would you turn him into the police? Would you think he was dangerous? Would you be concerned that he would do this to someone else?"

I had to be honest and tell her yes. Then she said, "Then why are letting your husband off the hook? Why is he different than it being someone else? He has done a criminal act. You can't ignore this. You are in denial that he was the one who did this to you. You can't absorb this pain, so you are ignoring it. You can't do that. You are going to have to talk about this. We may not talk about it today (if you can't) but we will talk about it. I understand that you may need a little time, but I can't let this go. It is my job to make sure that you are not stuffing your emotions again. It is my job to make sure you are handling this in a healthy way that won't harm you."

It was a GREAT session even though it was totally EMBARRASSING! I didn't tell her everything, though. I can't admit some things. She got enough out of me to let her know how she needed to help me. She said that if I want to tell her more, it would be okay. NOTHING is off limits in therapy. She said that I can talk about ANYTHING that is bothering me.

We will continue talking about this topic next week. She feels that I am holding back on something. She is right. There is something I can't tell her. I just can't.