Embarrassing things we talk about in therapy! YIKES!

If you can admit this on PC, what was your most embarrassing thing to talk about with your therapist? Is anything too taboo to talk about? Do you tell your therapist everything? Even the stuff you would never tell another soul on earth? Where do we draw the line?

I guess I will get this started. My topic for tomorrow is masturbation. Holy Moly!

I tell it all. I figure you are paying this person and spending precious time there. You might as well do it right and get the most out of it as you can. Earlier this week I was hesitant to tell her some things I did that might be considered suicidal behaviors. I just didn't want her to send me to the hospital or make it a bigger deal than it was. As for embarrassing stuff I don't care. I told her I was a slut at a point in my life and told about drug use in my past and I tell her my current sex problems. Honesty will let T be able to make better decisions about your treatment. Squiggle you go in there and let it all out! I lately have been writing down what I want to say because sometimes when you are there your mind goes all over the place. Good luck babe.

She has asked me some very personal questions as well. I could not believe she would be that blunt! But if it has to do with something I am working on, she probably needs to ask the hard/embarrassing questions. I hate it when she does that! She asks the question and then just looks at me. Waiting on my response. I always feel better when I answer her, though.

Since the death of my abusive BF my T and Pdoc knew I was not trusting enough to date anyone and they both at different times suggested I buy some sex toys. ummm already got 'em, thanks folks.

Um... don't you have something more urgent to talk about? Such as your husband stalking you?

This is your topic for tomorrow, Squiggle:

You HAVE to talk about this. Anyone who cares about you would say the same.

The problem is that I barely remember that. I don't have any feelings about it anymore. It's as if it happened to someone esle, or it was on some TV show I watched. It did not happen to me.

As to the masturbation topic, I brought that up to her. I have some questions about that. She will talk with me about that, but I am sure that she will also want me to go back and re-visit the stalker thing. I just don't think I will have anything to say about it.

We did talk about the stalker thing last week. She had a 2 hour session with me on that. What more can I say about it? It happened. It's over. I don't remember it.

I also spent 3 hours talking with a friend (church mentor) on Sunday about what my husband did. We cried for hours. I got it all out. I felt like I had purged all that. I can't keep dragging it up over and over and over. There is nothing I can do about what happened.

He has apologized for it. He has listened to me. I have talked with him about the damage he has done to me. I can't talk to him day in and day out about it.

I still have to go on with my life. I don't have time for a nervous breakdown. In fact, right now I don't feel one thing about what happened. I am serious. I barely remember.

What are you guys talking about anyway? That is how I feel.

In my humble opinion, not feeling anything about it is a defense mechanism we all use when getting abused, emotionally or physically, in order to protect ourselves and survive. It, by no means, does mean that we have faced the problem. When I was a kid and a teenager and both my parents swore at me, slapped me and were emotionally abusive, I didn't feel a thing! Like you said, I felt as if I was watching it on TV or as if someone else was experiencing it. But this marked my whole life -- as perfectly healthy and capable adult who, however, couldn't feel and grasp the feeling of her existence, individuality and capability of emotions. So, sorry that I will have to disagree with you, but I think that you need to start unfolding your emotions and get rid of the "safety blanket" that you have wrapped around you in order to survive the horrible thing that happened to you... Thinking about you

I completely agree with Can't Explain and Harvest Moon. What you are experiencing is suppression. I'm a pro at it and it will come back to bite you in the butt. You are going to really have to work on this issue because subconsciously, it's not going to go away that easily.

Squiggle, I agree that you need to talk more about your H and what he did to you. It's not good that you've "forgotten" it. It's more important than talking about masturbation. I hope your T will realize that and that at some point you will too.

As far as embarrassing things, I told my T graphically about physical/sexual reactions I sometimes get when in my session. She says nothing is TMI in therapy.

would like to put a vote in for a certain amount of "okay" compartmentalizing and repression. Squiggle has not merely supressed this, she has dealt with it with her church mentor, her H, and will (I think) continue to do so. What she has already done with this is not at all superficial, and (I think) she will keep going deeper. Sometimes these things come to the fore bit by bit ....it's okay to take things in pieces. Yes, it's more critical than masturbation. And I hope I'm not mentally masturbating on this thread by saying the folllowing: Please, give her a break. Things happen in their own time -- they unfold as they will. The subconscious has its own pace, its own wisdom, its own rhythm. I think it's sometimes wise to trust it! things take time.

And back to embarrassing things: I told my t that I grew hallucinogenic mushrooms and distributed them for free at a Grateful Dead concert to hundreds of people.

nicely said mcl....Squiggle will get back on that subject when she needs to.

Embarrassing moments. My first T (a male) asked me if I ever have orgasms. He followed it up with do you masturbate? YIKES... being the gracious hardworking client I am, I changed the subject.

Maybe I'm just an Old Hippie, but I think this makes you super cool.

Back to Squiggle, I also agree with MCL about putting things into a "container" and taking them out when you are ready to deal with it at the next stage (sorry if I've distorted your message). Squiggle has dealt with them and even if it is all our collective opinions that she needs to do more, that's really hers to decide.

I would also point out, having worked with domestic violence victims for a long time, that a lot of the experience of abuse in this arena is that it is accompanied with a loss of control, or better said, being controlled by the abusive partner. It is very important for the abused to be empowered in her healing, which is super hard when people (out of caring, I know) try to *force* her to heal in a particular way. We need to empower her, not control her.

And, I edit to add this: if anyone posted and told me what I had to discuss in therapy this week, I'd tell you to bite the big one. Seriously. I suspect most people here would say the same. I don't think this thread, or really any other on this forum, is for the purpose of telling other people what they should be dealing with in therapy, unless that advice is actually solicited.

Anne

Embarrassing, you say? When I started therapy, I promised my T that I would bring in any dreams I could remember ... any. That I wouldn't pick and choose which ones I thought would be "acceptable". And then, 6 months later, I started dreaming about him. Yep, I've managed to tell him all 5 of them, with extreme difficulty, and sometimes there's a gap or a month or two before I get up the courage. Yep, including the one where he crawled into bed with me. Talk about no eye contact!!!! But he was Mr. Cool as usual. Me - I'd rather walk over hot coals than have to tell these.

We have talked about too many embarassing things to list them all here! My t is great though-- she is very straightforward and makes things easier to talk about.

I don't think most of you understand that pornography and masturbation is WHY this all happened with my spouse. His addiction to it. That is WHY he did it. He is so warped by years of pornography that he can't get "off" on things that others may find really exciting. He has to 'raise the bar' so to speak.

This really turned him on that he was doing this to me. His sexual appetite is getting out of control. Pornography and masturbation are a HUGE part of why he did what he did. He needs more and more to turn him on.

His disabilty and low self esteem played into it as well. I don't think he has a need to control me. Its almost as if I were his 'sex toy' in this sick thing he did to me. I honestly think he was really aroused by it.

As far as what I talk about today, I have two agendas for that. We will go with whichever one comes up, or we may go down a totally different path. She knows me well. She knows when I am avoiding. I am sure that she won't let me get by without talking about what my husband did to me. Who knows? I may have a breakdown in her office. I don't see me doing that, but it may happen.

Like I said, I don't have any emotions at all about what he did. I know that sounds strange to many of you. I don't get it myself. My life is so corrupted by sex and pornography that I need to talk about it with her. Yes, I need to talk about ALL of it. Even the most embarrassing things. There are things that I cannot tell you guys on here. Maybe if I could, you would understand why I need to go down the 'masturbation' path with her.

Thanks for all of your replies and support. I will let you know how our session goes today. I am thinking this may be a two hour session!

I know that my T doesn't really consider anything taboo, but I sure as heck do! Yes, I've revealed some embarrassing stuff to my T, but it was things that were embarrassing to me and probably wouldn't have been to other people. Mostly embarrassment about my reactions to things my T said/did. Like getting hurt that the one time I asked T if we could schedule a longer session, she was unable to do so.

I've found talking about SI incredibly uncomfortable, but that's because of the shame that I feel about it. Also, my sui attempts were very difficult to discuss because of the shame I felt around those.

My T has tried to get me to talk about my strong aversion to being touched, and we did talk about it briefly...that was embarrassing to be because she started asking me about how I handled intimate touch from people I've dated vs casual touch.

There are things I would kind of like to tell my T, but first I would have to get up the nerve to actually say them out loud and I'm still working on that. I have more pressing things to work on in therapy right now, though.

I am trying to prepare myself to tell my T that I am so afraid of losing him, that I am afraid that I am a total nuisance to him, hopeless and difficult and that this is why he wants to get rid off me. Not that he has said any of those things. But they are in my head and I start freaking out more and more. From last session I came home crying heavily for 2 hours without knowing why. I feel like I'd rather drop dead than telling him all this.
It just all seems so irrational, needy and stupid. And even more... I am afraid he will confirm all of this and tell me to never come again.
I just hope I will be able to get all of this out this time (trying to do that already for 2 sessions). I have asked him for an extra session, so Friday is dooms-day...

This was the first that came to my mind as well

Oh HELL no.

I'd like to second that 'Oh HELL no' -- anything sexual is so embarrassing to talk about, I just don't want to go there. Thinking about it, I don't like to talk about anything that goes in or out of the body in any which way! Other topics that cause me to cringe are self injury (I've talked about) skin picking (I haven't talked about) and my compulsive eating, bingeing and purging (mentioned.)

I did it!! I almost died, but I talked about masturbation. I ended up crawling out of my seat onto the floor and hid behind her desk!! OMG! I was just about to lose it. I asked her to give me a 5 minute break.

Then she came to the floor with me and started asking me questions. She was trying to figure out why I was hurting so bad. By now I was sobbing. I had so many thoughts going through my mind. The hurt that my husband has done to me. The thoughts that we could never have a fulfilling sex life together. The pain that I have because I am turning to other things to fulfill that need I have. I don't want to do that. I would rather have sex with my husband, but he can't. So what am I to do?

I was so embarrassed. I cannot even begin to express to you how it felt to admit that to her. I did have my notes written out for this session. Once she started reading them, she knew. I didn't come right out and say it, but it was obvious what I was talking about.

Then she said it, "Are you masturbating?" Holy Crap! Talk about wanting to pee in your pants or throw up! She was very frank with the discussion. She didn't seem to be shy about it at all.

We did talk about the stalker thing and she asked me, "If this had turned out to be someone else (other than your husband) how would you feel about it? Would you turn him into the police? Would you think he was dangerous? Would you be concerned that he would do this to someone else?"

I had to be honest and tell her yes. Then she said, "Then why are letting your husband off the hook? Why is he different than it being someone else? He has done a criminal act. You can't ignore this. You are in denial that he was the one who did this to you. You can't absorb this pain, so you are ignoring it. You can't do that. You are going to have to talk about this. We may not talk about it today (if you can't) but we will talk about it. I understand that you may need a little time, but I can't let this go. It is my job to make sure that you are not stuffing your emotions again. It is my job to make sure you are handling this in a healthy way that won't harm you."

It was a GREAT session even though it was totally EMBARRASSING! I didn't tell her everything, though. I can't admit some things. She got enough out of me to let her know how she needed to help me. She said that if I want to tell her more, it would be okay. NOTHING is off limits in therapy. She said that I can talk about ANYTHING that is bothering me.

We will continue talking about this topic next week. She feels that I am holding back on something. She is right. There is something I can't tell her. I just can't.

Well done, Squiggle, you're so brave

I'm proud of you, Squiggle!

I freakin' LOVE your t! And you done awesome today!

((Squig))