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  #51  
Old Nov 16, 2011, 04:17 PM
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ShaggyChic_1201 ShaggyChic_1201 is offline
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Originally Posted by Squiggle328 View Post
I don't think most of you understand that pornography and masturbation is WHY this all happened with my spouse. His addiction to it. That is WHY he did it. He is so warped by years of pornography that he can't get "off" on things that others may find really exciting. He has to 'raise the bar' so to speak.

This really turned him on that he was doing this to me. His sexual appetite is getting out of control. Pornography and masturbation are a HUGE part of why he did what he did. He needs more and more to turn him on.

His disabilty and low self esteem played into it as well. I don't think he has a need to control me. Its almost as if I were his 'sex toy' in this sick thing he did to me. I honestly think he was really aroused by it.

As far as what I talk about today, I have two agendas for that. We will go with whichever one comes up, or we may go down a totally different path. She knows me well. She knows when I am avoiding. I am sure that she won't let me get by without talking about what my husband did to me. Who knows? I may have a breakdown in her office. I don't see me doing that, but it may happen.

Like I said, I don't have any emotions at all about what he did. I know that sounds strange to many of you. I don't get it myself. My life is so corrupted by sex and pornography that I need to talk about it with her. Yes, I need to talk about ALL of it. Even the most embarrassing things. There are things that I cannot tell you guys on here. Maybe if I could, you would understand why I need to go down the 'masturbation' path with her.

Thanks for all of your replies and support. I will let you know how our session goes today. I am thinking this may be a two hour session!
Squiggle, I just wanted you to know that you are not alone in this situation. My husband has a fetish that makes our sex life very, um, challenging and he objectifies me to get off. He too is obsessed with porn and only sometimes recognizes me as a human being and wife, not just a toy. He has taken me to sex clubs and tried to pawn me off as a play thing and regrets that I have not had a threesome. I have not successfully raised this issue to anyone (first time sharing it) but felt my silence needed to be broken to help you. Good luck with pastor, therapist and H. I also dissociate/compartmentalize what he's doing b/c it feels so violating. I'll say a prayer for you.

Last edited by ShaggyChic_1201; Nov 16, 2011 at 05:41 PM. Reason: added more
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  #52  
Old Nov 16, 2011, 10:26 PM
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Squiggle, I have talked about every single teensy tiny embarrassing aspect of sex, masturbation, that you can think of. My T always makes me feel just fine about it. He has a ridiculously impressive poker face. I think that if it is bothering you, get it out. That is what therapy is for, and it always makes me feel better to remember that they listen to this stuff constantly. I am sure that she will not be surprised by whatever it is that you choose to put out there.

And, I agree with what you said about the ways that masturbation can become destructive. As with anything, it can become a way of coping, covering up, distracting, etc . . . It is not bad in itself, at all. But, it can become dark and damaging if used for the wrong reasons, and/or instead of facing other things.
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  #53  
Old Mar 14, 2012, 12:59 AM
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Originally Posted by Squiggle328 View Post
It was a GREAT session even though it was totally EMBARRASSING! I didn't tell her everything, though. I can't admit some things. She got enough out of me to let her know how she needed to help me. She said that if I want to tell her more, it would be okay. NOTHING is off limits in therapy. She said that I can talk about ANYTHING that is bothering me.

We will continue talking about this topic next week. She feels that I am holding back on something. She is right. There is something I can't tell her. I just can't.
Thinking back on the new thread I started last week http://forums.psychcentral.com/showt...=219464&page=8 (erotic transference), I remembered this thread. The one thing that I just could not tell her was that SHE was the main character in the sexual fantasies. I can't believe that I finally told her. If you read the other thread, you will see that she wasn't surprised. She actually gave a very good explanation about why she felt I was making her the focus.

It took me 4 months to get it out, but I did it. Now I will have to see where this takes me. Will we ignore this and act like its no big deal? Or will we continue to talk about why I am doing this? Only time will tell.
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  #54  
Old Mar 14, 2012, 04:57 AM
WantingtoHeal WantingtoHeal is offline
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Originally Posted by Squiggle328 View Post
The issue with masturbation is that it can become a way of hiding from things in your life that you are afraid to deal with. It can be an escape. Just like taking drugs or turning to alcohol, people often turn to this as a way to take away the anxiety. It is not so much the act, but what is going on to make a person turn to that instead of dealing with the issues. It can become an obsessive compulsion and be harmful.

Yes, masturbation is a very personal thing. Most won't talk about it. But I do feel that at some level, it may need to be addressed if it is bothering you. It all depends on your beliefs about it. I think when we open up a topic like this, others who are concerned about this are able to see that they are not alone.
I'm very grateful that the topic has been brought up. Squiggle, you are incredible.
  #55  
Old Mar 14, 2012, 05:01 AM
WantingtoHeal WantingtoHeal is offline
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Originally Posted by Squiggle328 View Post
Thinking back on the new thread I started last week http://forums.psychcentral.com/showt...=219464&page=8 (erotic transference), I remembered this thread. The one thing that I just could not tell her was that SHE was the main character in the sexual fantasies. I can't believe that I finally told her. If you read the other thread, you will see that she wasn't surprised. She actually gave a very good explanation about why she felt I was making her the focus.

It took me 4 months to get it out, but I did it. Now I will have to see where this takes me. Will we ignore this and act like its no big deal? Or will we continue to talk about why I am doing this? Only time will tell.

Can I ask what her explanation was of your T being the focus? Or is that too personal ?

I'm just in awe that you were able to say these things. I worry that my T might get embarrassed and fall out of her chair if I said anything like this stuff. Really, I worry more about her than me.
  #56  
Old Mar 14, 2012, 05:06 AM
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With the masturbation issue, how does one know if it is being used to take away the anxiety or being used as an unhealthy thing? What is healthy and what isn't?

It's something I feel HORRIBLE about. Just HORRIBLE. No one ever talked to me about it. I thought it was abnormal for females.

Do other people have this awful shame about it?
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  #57  
Old Mar 14, 2012, 10:23 AM
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My T literally asked me "what gets you off?" the other day. I was like... uhhhh... then answered. She's also asked me what kind of porn that I watch and why I find it enjoyable. and she asked how horny I get when certain things happen from a scale of 1-10, 1 being eh, and 10 being ohhhh yeah!! So, yeah. personal stuff.
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  #58  
Old Mar 14, 2012, 10:38 AM
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Originally Posted by WantingtoHeal View Post
Can I ask what her explanation was of your T being the focus? Or is that too personal ?

I'm just in awe that you were able to say these things. I worry that my T might get embarrassed and fall out of her chair if I said anything like this stuff. Really, I worry more about her than me.

Here is the link where you can find the whole process I went through. http://forums.psychcentral.com/showt...=219464&page=8

This is what happened the day I told her:

After much agonizing, squirming in my chair, pacing the floor, sitting back down and turning my chair away from my therapist, I finally told her. I was very choppy with my words and she had to piece them together to figure out exactly what I was saying. I asked her, "Do you really get what I am saying?" She then gave me some of her thoughts about what she thought I was trying to tell her.

She was pretty close, but not exactly. I finally said, "YOU are the main character." She knew what I meant when I said that part. I wasn't looking at her, so I am not sure if she was shocked or not. She didn't act shocked. Of course, therapists are trained to keep that poker face no matter what we say to them!

She explained that she was not surprised about it given my past and the issues I was working through in therapy. She explained that she is the most stable person I have in my life right now. She represents security for me. She is the one that I confide my most private things with, so why would it be odd that she shows up in a sexual fantasy? Sex is one of the most intimate things that we experience. We only share that with people we trust. I trust her.

She was so casual about it. I told her that sometimes I think of her in very demeaning (sexual) ways. She said this was more than likely my way of 'getting back at her' because I am angry with her at times. She makes me face things I don't want to look at. Demeaning her makes me feel powerful and not so vulnerable.

Isn't this weird that she comes up with this? I think she is right because it makes a lot of sense! I hope that by talking with her more and more about this, the erotic transference will go away!
  #59  
Old Mar 14, 2012, 10:42 AM
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Originally Posted by WantingtoHeal View Post
With the masturbation issue, how does one know if it is being used to take away the anxiety or being used as an unhealthy thing? What is healthy and what isn't?

It's something I feel HORRIBLE about. Just HORRIBLE. No one ever talked to me about it. I thought it was abnormal for females.

Do other people have this awful shame about it?
I felt shame for the LONGEST time, WTH (I love abbreviating your name that way, hope you don't mind ). What helped me was having a husband who was completely open and easygoing about it. And then when I had kids and realized that I wanted them to feel comfortable about their bodies and their needs, that helped even more. When they were small and exploring, I just let them know, yeah, that's fun and it feels nice, but it's just something you do in private. As they got older, that was always the message - it's fine and good way to relieve stress; it's just something you do in private. Lock the door.
  #60  
Old Mar 14, 2012, 10:44 AM
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Originally Posted by WantingtoHeal View Post
With the masturbation issue, how does one know if it is being used to take away the anxiety or being used as an unhealthy thing? What is healthy and what isn't?

It's something I feel HORRIBLE about. Just HORRIBLE. No one ever talked to me about it. I thought it was abnormal for females.

Do other people have this awful shame about it?

Often times religion plays into whether or not this is viewed as an okay thing to do or not. Why do you feel horrible about it? You can PM me if you would like to. I would be more than willing to talk with you about it.
  #61  
Old Mar 14, 2012, 11:40 AM
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Originally Posted by WantingtoHeal View Post
With the masturbation issue, how does one know if it is being used to take away the anxiety or being used as an unhealthy thing? What is healthy and what isn't?

It's something I feel HORRIBLE about. Just HORRIBLE. No one ever talked to me about it. I thought it was abnormal for females.

Do other people have this awful shame about it?

I think its perfectly normal for men and women to masturbate. I m not sure how often is normal (everything I do is to the excess). I am assuming if things start "falling off" or "scabbing over" you should stop.
LOL
  #62  
Old Mar 14, 2012, 11:48 AM
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For me, masturbation was a good topic to bring up -- and it was SOOO hard to do so and I've only spent one session on it with a T. In fact, I should bring it up again... Yes, it's personal, but for me who has never been in a romantic relationship (dated several people for a few months each) it is an important part of my sexuality, really the only part. I have body image issues and so masturbation is a way for me to learn to feel better about myself this way. No one ever talked to me about masturbation, didn't know that so many women did it--just men. Certainly not my mom, so when I started doing it (not until I was 26 or 27 after a conversation with my best friend at the time who was surprised how little I knew about it) I felt guilt but also immense pleasure, so it was confusing. Since I never learned to talk openly about sex, talking with a T about this is good for future relationships I hope to have. Hmm, add this to the list of upcoming topics to talk about...
Thanks for this!
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  #63  
Old Mar 14, 2012, 12:04 PM
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You all are sooo brave.. Sex, is something that I would never bring up with T.. and probably turn red, if he brought it up himself. As far as the most embarrassing thing I have brought up.. Hmmm.. probably the fact that I used to SI.. that was shameful secret that only a few people knew about. Although, I am embarrassed everytime I talk about the things that panic me, b/c they seem so irrational to the outside observer.
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  #64  
Old Mar 14, 2012, 12:33 PM
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You all are sooo brave.. Sex, is something that I would never bring up with T.. and probably turn red, if he brought it up himself. As far as the most embarrassing thing I have brought up.. Hmmm.. probably the fact that I used to SI.. that was shameful secret that only a few people knew about. Although, I am embarrassed everytime I talk about the things that panic me, b/c they seem so irrational to the outside observer.

We all tend to think that our thoughts can be irrational at times. I told my therapist that I didn't like pump lotions (lotions that you have to pump to get them out). That just came out of nowhere. She asked me what was it about them that I didn't like. Well, this opened a brand new can of worms! The reason I don't like them is because of something sexual that it brings to my mind. She actually guessed it. Holy cow! I couldn't believe she said what she did. But it sure did open up a good conversation that I feel was necessary to help me with some of my issues.

You have to understand that sexual issues is a huge part of why I am in therapy. Being able to finally talk about things is a major accomplishment for me. I have talked about them from a distant 3rd person point of view many times. But when I address them in first person, that is another story!
  #65  
Old Mar 14, 2012, 02:18 PM
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Originally Posted by Squiggle328 View Post
We all tend to think that our thoughts can be irrational at times. I told my therapist that I didn't like pump lotions (lotions that you have to pump to get them out). That just came out of nowhere. She asked me what was it about them that I didn't like. Well, this opened a brand new can of worms! The reason I don't like them is because of something sexual that it brings to my mind. She actually guessed it. Holy cow! I couldn't believe she said what she did. But it sure did open up a good conversation that I feel was necessary to help me with some of my issues.

You have to understand that sexual issues is a huge part of why I am in therapy. Being able to finally talk about things is a major accomplishment for me. I have talked about them from a distant 3rd person point of view many times. But when I address them in first person, that is another story!

That is why you are brave.. b/c you bring up the issues that you know you need help with
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  #66  
Old Mar 14, 2012, 05:01 PM
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Originally Posted by LolaCabanna View Post
I am assuming if things start "falling off" or "scabbing over" you should stop.
You are great! The old warning was that if you did this too much, you'd go blind, hence the question, "Can I do it until I need glasses?"
  #67  
Old Mar 14, 2012, 06:44 PM
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Other than sexual issues, are there any other embarrassing topics that come up?
  #68  
Old Mar 14, 2012, 07:21 PM
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Originally Posted by scorpiosis37 View Post
Another time, T said something like "oh, you look pretty today" and then about ten minutes later, she was like "wait, you know I wasn't making a pass at you, right?" I about fell out of my chair! OF COURSE I knew she wasn't doing that-- I was shocked it could even cross her mind that could be a possible interpretation of what she said! This then led to us clarifying that there was no sexual attraction or tension between us. The way she said it was kind of hillarious. She told me what her type was (the opposite of what I am) and then she was like "but, I mean, you're very pretty, you're just not, I mean..."--- I stopped her and was like IT'S OKAY!!! You don't need to justify why I'm not your type! lol. T already knows what my type is (the opposite of what she is) so I didn't feel I needed to say a whole lot... I mean, I didn't want to say "gee, T, you're so awesome on the inside but outside... well....uh..." While this whole conversation was certainly awkward, it wasn't really embarrassing. I mean, the whole point was that we DON'T have embrassing feelings for each other... well, at least not embarrassing in a sexual way!
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Originally Posted by CantExplain View Post
I have exactly this problem. My T is a beautiful person, but... She's OK to look at, but...

I can't tell her she's a beautiful woman, because her appearance is just not that special. I told her once that her hair was "a non-performing asset". (I feel really ashamed to write that down. How can I think that! Ungrateful wretch that I am!) So I tell her she is a wonderful woman instead.

I once took a picture of her. It shows nothing of what I see. In the photo she looks drab and nervous.

Appearance aint worth ****.
I know this part of the thread is old, but I have to comment...I've never thought my T was attractive. Maybe cute with her personality. Last week, we sat together on the loveseat facing each other and it was the first time I really looked at her. And I realized...well, I felt I was more attractive than she, and that's saying a lot for me!

One time when my bisexuality came up (and she had no problem with it), I assured her I wasn't attracted to her that way, she wasn't my "type"...that she was a "mom figure". It wasn't a big deal, she just said okay. In the past, some straight women, when I told them I was bi but not attracted to them, have actually gotten offended that I wasn't attracted to them. I hate that stigma of "You're bi? Wow...you'll sleep with anything!"
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  #69  
Old Mar 14, 2012, 07:27 PM
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Originally Posted by Squiggle328 View Post
Other than sexual issues, are there any other embarrassing topics that come up?
It was embarrassing when I admitted I wanted T to be my mom and that I wanted her to cradle me like a child. She handled it well; she told me, "I'm sorry, but I can't be your mom. There's nothing wrong with what you want, though. In the therapy process, I can't hold or comfort you."

It was also very embarrassing to admit I used to SI...by banging my head (against a wall, with my hands, etc.). She said we all do things to SI sometimes, but she was glad I'd stopped hitting my head (now 6 years bang-free ). So even though it's slightly triggering, I still use this smiley:
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  #70  
Old Mar 14, 2012, 07:55 PM
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T has made me feel so comfortable with the topic of sex and masturbation-which is huge for me to be able to say some of the things I have. One time he said something about being horny (me not him lol) and it made me blush. One time I was talking about the annoying sexual side effects of Celexa and about masturbation and I was getting flustered explains and he asked if it was laborious haha! I love that I can talk with T about such personal things!
I have yet to being up that I have thought about him that way before...maybe one day when it feels right!

Besides sex I told him it was disgusting but I was going to tell him anyways-because it was such a rough experience-I got food poisoning (puke and diarrhea) and I started my period-I felt like I couldn't make it lol...T just said ohh jeez triple threat...
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Thanks for this!
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  #71  
Old Mar 14, 2012, 07:55 PM
WantingtoHeal WantingtoHeal is offline
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Originally Posted by My kids are cool View Post
I felt shame for the LONGEST time, WTH (I love abbreviating your name that way, hope you don't mind ). What helped me was having a husband who was completely open and easygoing about it. And then when I had kids and realized that I wanted them to feel comfortable about their bodies and their needs, that helped even more. When they were small and exploring, I just let them know, yeah, that's fun and it feels nice, but it's just something you do in private. As they got older, that was always the message - it's fine and good way to relieve stress; it's just something you do in private. Lock the door.
Hi KidsAreCool Oh yes, It's much easier to abbreviate to WTH - I don't mind at all.

I haven't discussed it with my daughter and she's 11. Wonder if I need to do that.

I sort of wish when you entered therapy, they had a list of questions that you answered that you could just check off - common issues. I know a lot of people wouldn't be honest, but that would certainly help me.

Thanks for writing.
  #72  
Old Mar 14, 2012, 08:28 PM
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I was talking with my therapist about having a breast reduction. I was telling her how it was done. Then all of the sudden she asked, "You've already had it?" I think she embarrassed herself on this one!

I told her that I had it about a year before I began therapy. Since I am still full busted, (and she is rather small), she assumed that I hadn't had anything done yet. I bet she can chalk that up to one of her most embarrassing moments!
Thanks for this!
InTherapy
  #73  
Old Mar 14, 2012, 10:34 PM
Anonymous32491
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Besides masturbation, like Chopin said, telling my T that I wanted someone else to be my mom (wasn't able to say "you," but I know that this was obvious). It took me YEARS to get this out and I had so much shame associated with this desire, which actually was/is self-protective since I didn't get what I needed from my own mom.

Take this a step further and I once admitted that sometimes I wondered what it'd be like if my parents were dead... Actually, I only admitted it when my T said "Wouldn't it be easier if they weren't here?" I was so excited that she saw that I was thinking this and could understand it. BUT I'd interpreted her statement to mean dead when she actually meant not living in the same city since I'd recently moved back to where I grew up. This was way embarrassing particularly since I believed for a minute that my T somehow understood my completely messed up thinking before I realized that this wasn't at all what she was saying... But she handled the situation great, as always, and made me feel totally OK about these thoughts.
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  #74  
Old Mar 14, 2012, 10:53 PM
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Originally Posted by Squiggle328 View Post
Other than sexual issues, are there any other embarrassing topics that come up?
I felt very embarrassed when I told T some really humiliating things that happened to me when I was a child, like my parents beating me to a pulp on the front lawn while the neighbors stood at the property line looking on. I could never face the neighbors after that, knowing they had seen the whole thing. Another was telling my T how I had had fantasies in which my husband died. It seemed like his death would solve all my problems, so I used to daydream about it. I know it's awful to essentially wish someone would die, so I felt very embarrassed admitting that to T.
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  #75  
Old Mar 15, 2012, 12:20 AM
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You would all scream "TMI" at me through the internet if I told you.
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attentionThis is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.




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