[rainbow8]

I'm going to ask my T if she knows that the best part of last session was the hug in the parking lot. What does that say about me? I feel like I'm starving for affection. I think EMDR helped with my feelings about the yucky stuff, which I should be thrilled about! Instead, I feel the warmth of the hug and the connection to my T. There is no parallel in RL no matter what anyone says. Or, is my feeling part of my pattern?

[Sannah]

You are enjoying life! Enjoying a hug is not pathological.

[skysblue]

The hugs in RL just don't feel close to you? I don't have hugs with T and I suspect I never will but there are people I know with whom we share deep connection with our hugs. I'm sorry you don't have that in RL but at least you have it with T. I'm happy for you.

[rainbow8]

Thanks, Sannah. It's still hard for me to find the middle ground with my T. She wants me to find peace and happiness in RL, so where does feeling good with her fit in? I feel like I can't enjoy the feelings with her because of my "pattern" of wanting too much from Ts.

skysblue: I have a couple of people in my life whose hugs feel good, but it's still not the same as a hug from my T. Or, it could be that after the hard EMDR session, I needed to connect with her and know that we still had a close connection. See, like you, I want to figure everything out instead of just feeling and accepting it.

[Sannah]

Maybe there is a pathway to you enjoying a hug and your T knows that pathway. You can learn from this so that you don't need a pathway to enjoy hugs in RL and then you will enjoy those hugs in RL.

[wheeler]

I wish you could just enjoy it, I know that's what my T would say to me. But I also can appreciate how difficult it is.

[rainbow8]

Thanks, wheeler.
Sannah, I have no idea what you mean!

Originally Posted by rainbow8

She wants me to find peace and happiness in RL, so where does feeling good with her fit in? I feel like I can't enjoy the feelings with her because of my "pattern" of wanting too much from Ts.

((((((Rainbow)))))))

Why can't you have both? It feels good and safe when my T hugs me at the end of a session. It feels good and safe when I go to my women's 12 step meeting on Friday nights. I feel happy and peaceful when my boys and I watch a show together. It feels relaxing and satisfying to knit something for someone. It makes me feel happy when H and I laugh together. It's all true and real and okay.

Feeling good with T doesn't take away the other good feelings. And the other good feelings don't take away feeling good with T.

It does feel extra good to get a hug from T...but I don't feel like I have to question it or worry about it. I don't worry when it makes me feel happy to give a knitted gift to someone, or when I have other good feelings.

It's okay for something to feel good.

Totally hear you!€ best part of a session is the hug for me too.

[rainbow8]

Thank you, tree. I do understand what you're saying but you know what my pattern is. I'm afraid that the line between feeling good with my T and feeling TOO good with her is tenuous. I'm okay if I don't start obsessing about her, wanting to be in her life, and all that fantasy stuff I'm so vulnerable to. Any nice word or action can trigger that, not just physical contact.

I have to balance the feeling good with her and feeling good in RL. For example, my H gave me a nice hug today (which is unusual). You're right I can have both, but I feel guilty about which feels better.

[skysblue]

The first time I ever felt like hugging T was in our last session before she left on vacation. Since I had instructed her months ago to stay sitting while I walk myself out, a hug could never happen spontaneously. Probably for the best.

[rainbow8]

skysblue, I never felt comfortable hugging anyone except my kids for years and years. I hated when my friends wanted to hug or kiss hello or good-bye. I wanted to run away instead. It's only with this T that I've learned about hugging.

[scorpiosis37]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I'm going to ask my T if she knows that the best part of last session was the hug in the parking lot. What does that say about me? I feel like I'm starving for affection. I think EMDR helped with my feelings about the yucky stuff, which I should be thrilled about! Instead, I feel the warmth of the hug and the connection to my T. There is no parallel in RL no matter what anyone says. Or, is my feeling part of my pattern?

Rainbow (felt these "hugs" were appropriate to the post!)

I'll be very curious to hear how your T responds to your question about whether she knows the hug in the parking lot was the best part of your session. I think her response will be very useful.

Yes, like many of us on PC, it sounds like you are strongly craving affection. That's okay though; that's a normal desire! I think we all feel that way sometimes. The fact that the hug in the parking lot felt better than getting good results from EMDR also makes perfect sense. You aren't in therapy primarily to work on the "yucky stuff"-- you're in therapy to overcome your pattern and to learn how to have a healthy relationship with your T-- and, really, to overcome the emotions and behaviors that cause you to act our your pattern.

I think feeling good about a hug with T is wonderful. There have certainly been times when a hug from my T has made me feel better. However, I think what DOES make this part of your pattern is the fact that the best part of the session was "in the parking lot" and that "there is no parallel in RL." If a hug from T can make your day-- and a hug from your H or your best friend can also make your day-- I'd say that's great, sounds healthy, enjoy! But the fact that T's hug feels BETTER-- and you have obsessive thoughts about the hug and about T afterwards-- means that it's not just about the hug. It sounds like you're still putting T on a pedestal and are trying to get something from her that you don't otherwise have. The goal should be to work towards getting those needs met in RL-- where a hug from your H or a hug from a friend can feel just as good. I know it's NOT easy. If it were easy, Ts wouldn't be all booked up with clients! For me, there was a time, with Old T, when I would have rather had a hug from her than from anyone in my RL-- but I no longer feel that way (because I worked through it in therapy). Now, a hug from T feels good, but not as good as a hug from my best friend or the person I'm dating. But it took me a long time to feel that way-- and I didn't used to think it was possible. But it is. However, I'm by no means suggesting you shouldn't enjoy a hug from T. I think you're doing exactly the right thing by examining how you feel after a hug with T. And, if you (and your T) feel your emotions and reaction to the hug are out of proportion, then that is just something you can talk about and work on. You should never feel embarrassed or "bad" about it-- just be aware of it and work on it. I actually think you have really great instincts. You know when something feels good and when something feels TOO good. I think when it feels TOO good, it's because you know it's because it's feeding your pattern-- and you're making so much progress in therapy that you don't want to feed your pattern anymore. You're committed to moving past it, and you're even willing to give up things that don't serve that purpose (like having T respond to your e-mails). It sounds like you're on the right track and moving in the right direction! So I think you should feel proud of yourself!

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by skysblue

Since I had instructed her months ago to stay sitting while I walk myself out, ...

I have gotten the t to do this too. She mostly complies, but says it is hard for her. I told her I could live with it being difficult.

[rainbow8]

scorpiosis: thanks for your lengthy reply. You understand me SO well! I emailed her about something else, (a phone call I made to someone I haven't spoken to in more than 30 years, and I was scared. I left a message for this person and haven't gotten a call back; maybe I won't, but that's another story). Anyway, in that email I wrote: do you know what the best part of the session was and what does that mean?

You aren't in therapy primarily to work on the "yucky stuff"-- you're in therapy to overcome your pattern and to learn how to have a healthy relationship with your T-- and, really, to overcome the emotions and behaviors that cause you to act our your pattern.

Thank you for understanding that.

And, if you (and your T) feel your emotions and reaction to the hug are out of proportion, then that is just something you can talk about and work on. You should never feel embarrassed or "bad" about it-- just be aware of it and work on it. I actually think you have really great instincts. You know when something feels good and when something feels TOO good. I think when it feels TOO good, it's because you know it's because it's feeding your pattern-- and you're making so much progress in therapy that you don't want to feed your pattern anymore. You're committed to moving past it, and you're even willing to give up things that don't serve that purpose (like having T respond to your e-mails). It sounds like you're on the right track and moving in the right direction! So I think you should feel proud of yourself!

Thank you VERY much for the nice words, scorpio!!

[CantExplain]

Hugging is one of the most basic and universal of human gestures. Even chimps hug.

[rainbow8]

I know that, Can'tExplain. It's just that I obsess about everything to do with my T, but I think, maybe, hopefully, that's changing. The hug was great, but so are other parts of my life. I'm scared of feeling good right now--that something bad will happen. I see my T today.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I'm scared of feeling good right now--that something bad will happen.

THIS IS MY PATTERN!!! Sorry, wrong thread! Edited: Something to talk about, I had a lot more control over it than I realized. Some of the control was in broad strokes - don't see family; some in small everyday type, moment-to-moment thoughts or decisions, which are harder! There's so many of them!

[rainbow8]

Yeah, that's part of my pattern too. Oh, no. I guess it's another pattern, besides attaching to Ts. It's okay in this thread, hankster.