[mixedup_emotions]

*sigh*

I saw T yesterday, and I allowed us to go back to the issues with my neck. I described that my neck feels like it's not a part of me. Not human. More like the tin-man....metal, cold...and T wanted me to pay attention to how my neck feels and try to give it a voice.

It was SO HARD for me to put words to it....all of those forces within me that struggle....UGH....I couldn't speak.

I then felt a strong burning sensation in the back of my neck which I didn't feel before....and still feel it now.

I told T that my neck is angry....My neck is angry at me for not doing a better job of protecting myself....with my friend, with my ex...and then it took me back to one of my earliest CSAs...

I imagined a voice - was it me? my neck? my inner critic? - telling me how I put myself in those positions...that I never should've gotten on his bike...It wasn't part of the plan. I made a bad choice....and that I've continued to make bad choices throughout my life, leaving my neck to do the work of trying to protect me when I made such STUPID choices....

At the end of the session, I felt so wiped out....and felt so much self-hate and self-blame.....T said that I am putting an awful lot on a 5 year old....And I could feel myself filling up with such HATE towards that 5 year old....

Is this part of the process?

My rational mind can tell me to the moon and back how it was not my fault and if it wasn't me, I would be feeling such sadness and compassion for that little girl and so much anger towards the abusers....but that does not change my experience of what's happening inside....

I then wonder....if I did apply my rational mind's view on myself...then that would mean giving up the sense of control that owning it brings...and to really feel and accept that sense of helplessness and vulnerability.



Also....There are people around me that want to develop a closer friendship with me...My T was thrilled that I am venturing out and trying new things, trying to expand my social network....And now I'm scared to death, because I don't trust myself to recognize the signs of getting into an unhealthy friendship/relationship....it's my pattern. There are times when I think I'm making great decisions...and then realize after the fact how they were just the same as the others. So, now I look at these people and question every single possible motive they could have...which leaves me then feeling even more self-hate.

It's like an endless cycle....and I have no idea how to get out....

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

I told T that my neck is angry....My neck is angry at me for not doing a better job of protecting myself....with my friend, with my ex...and then it took me back to one of my earliest CSAs...

Wow!

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

At the end of the session, I felt so wiped out....and felt so much self-hate and self-blame.....T said that I am putting an awful lot on a 5 year old....And I could feel myself filling up with such HATE towards that 5 year old....

Is this part of the process?

Definitely. You're doing great!

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

At the end of the session, I felt so wiped out....and felt so much self-hate and self-blame.....T said that I am putting an awful lot on a 5 year old....And I could feel myself filling up with such HATE towards that 5 year old....

Is this part of the process?

It's definitely part of my process and I think it (self blame/hate) had a function, a positive role, back when I was young. I too have a rational brain that despite my best efforts, cannot convince the rest of me that I am not to blame (or bad, or stupid, or insert any other noncompassionate statement you can imagine) because I complied with the CSA my abuser demanded. I did what he said to do and I never told anyone. So the only way that I could deal with my self hate was to split it off and basically lock it away. No way for me to understand when I was a child about the impossibility of trying to fight off someone big, or about the wisdom of complying rather than getting hurt for not, etc. I think I only understood that I was bad, because *he* couldn't be bad, and I need to "act normal" in my everyday life and the only way to do that was lock away my badness. (of course that doesn't work very well, it's leaked out my entire life and influenced me in many negative ways).

But when I have tried to directly relate to that younger part of myself, there's been hatred. That too seems leftover from childhood, that's how I have always felt. that's what splitting does.

Now it's starting to transform as I find some small sense (I have lots more work to do) of compassion for the part of me that got locked away. I have probably more understanding than compassion, as now I basically wish she would go away, but I try to find ways to approach her and what she has to say.

So you are perfectly normal and it is a huge step to realize where you are in this normal process. It may not feel like it right now, but it will get way, way better.

Anne

Originally Posted by 3rdTimesTheCharm

So the only way that I could deal with my self hate was to split it off and basically lock it away.... I think I only understood that I was bad, because *he* couldn't be bad, and I need to "act normal" in my everyday life and the only way to do that was lock away my badness....
But when I have tried to directly relate to that younger part of myself, there's been hatred.

I can so relate to what Anne wrote above, and to the things you wrote, MUE. It stinks that it has to be SO painful.

It really is a process, and you are doing it. My T promises me that it won't feel like this forever...and it won't feel like this forever for you, either.

I wonder if you can do something nice for you, and your child inside, tonight? For me, it's soothing to color mandalas, and when I am trying to make myself be nice to her, I will color a little. Wrapping up in a warm blanket with hot chocolate feels good. You deserve something nice.

As for the friends...I really get that. I have a big, big desire to connect with people, and at the same time, a fear around it. I was burned pretty badly by some "friends" in the past year, and it hurt and made me question my ability to choose the people I want to have around me. On the positive side, though, I learned some things about who I want around me, and what I *don't* want to be around (gossip, meanness). I've had some friends around me for years that I was never very close to...I guess they were somewhere between acquaintances and friends...and I think it was because they were *too nice*. I've realized that I WANT nice, and I DESERVE nice. And I started working on my friendships with them, and it feels good and safe now. I haven't told them my deepest darkest secrets (and won't), but they did support me through a difficult time recently, and didn't judge me, and still liked me. That was huge. And I support them, and we laugh together A LOT. Before, my friendships were very one-way...this feels different.

Hang in there, MUE. This is hard work, but worth it.

[mixedup_emotions]

Thanks so much for the feedback. It feels SO good to be understood. No one else in my life could possibly understand this....which is why I love PC....(( HUGS ))

It's also a relief to know that I'm not alone in struggling with trusting my instincts when it comes to current or new friendships/relationships.

I noticed that am I feeling a bit detached from it at the moment....I am keeping busy and have group T tonight....it's sitting far off to the side, and the simplest look over towards it brings back that welling of overwhelming feeling...

This process sux. But I need to get to the other side of it....*sigh*

(( HUGS ))

[ladyjrnlist]

You will learn to forgive the child and love them soon. I did. It sure takes a lot out of you when you do trauma work, but it's so worth it in the end.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

This process sux. But I need to get to the other side of it....*sigh*

((((((((((((((((((((((( MUE )))))))))))))))))))))) you will.

[Sannah]

Good work on exploring that neck pain and everything that it represents!

Your rational mind isn't the one that is causing you distress. It is your emotions so I think that you did good work with this. Explore away!

Learning about healthy relationships is trial and error with lots of learning along the way. Your T can help you with this a lot on your journey with it.