Expressions of Affection & the "Clinical Response"

I don't know what my T thinks of "transference". I think I have an unusual T. I started warming to her once she started her battle with cancer. At that point, I saw her as a fellow human being. She has been very up-front with me about her own struggles with depression, anxiety, and attempted suicide in the past. She tells me we're all crazy. The first "affection" I showed her was asking for a hug at the end of a session. She told me the next session, "At risk of sounding corny, sometimes I think all people need is love." The next session, she told me she loves me. She has told me she loves all her clients.

She is trying to get me to the point that I'll share the hard stuff. I have to trust she'll help me through! I love her to death and miss her between sessions.

Fair enough.

When I was transfering, I knew I was transfering, but it still felt real.
It was slightly embarassing to know I was ripping T to shreds over something my mum did, but I guess I was pretty callous in those days.

Hi MCL,

I'm sorry you had that experience with your t. It seems that "something" should be acknowledged when we pour our hearts out to our t's. But you're right -- we can still acknowledge and hold onto that warm caring we feel inside us for them. Regardless of their response, we don't have to let it take away the courage and meaningfulness that it holds for us. That's a good point.

Hi Can't Exlain,

No, my t isn't new. She has been a t for over 20 years. The scenario that seems to play out is that either she will express her caring in a very meaningful way, or i will -- and then right afterward, she'll "back up" some. I'm very perceptive and always notice the "backing up" part and it hurts my feelings, though she never admits that she has indeed backed up.

Hi Laceylu,

I'm pondering on what you said. I don't want to deny my feelings toward t. But what happens with me is that if i express something and the other person doesn't respond in a way that feels positive to me, then i assume that the other person either didn't believe or didn't like what i said. That makes it hard for me to feel good about my feelings anymore because I'm thinking that they think what i said was wrong or bad. I guess maybe i take how other people respond as being more valid than how i respond. Like, I feel good and happy about telling t i love her. . .but then when she responds that way, then I'm ashamed and think i said the wrong thing. It's hard for me to hold onto the good feelings then. But i guess i can still feel good about it if i choose to. . .

Yes, i understand about the different kinds of love. Like "agape," I learned that in my Bible studies. And "philia" is, I think, the type of love expressed toward friends. I'd like to think there is a place for the "type" of love that a patient can feel toward their t. It's certainly a relationship that is different from any other. But sometimes it hurts my feelings when it appears that t's don't view it as a relationship, but more of an "arrangement." It's really hard for me to view it that way when I'm pouring out my heart, soul, and problems, you know?

I'm glad you had such a good experience with your t's, and that they allowed your attachment and saw it as a healthy stage in your therapy. It sounds like it really benefitted you. I would say that my t encourages me to attach, but she usually does not respond in kind to my feelings of attachment.

It is difficult for me to believe that any kind of response can be truly neutral. It's either favourable or unfavourable. Those who are not with us are against us!

My mother used withholding as a punishment, so NEUTRAL = BAD was a sensible assumption to make.

Hi Sally Brown,

Thanks for replying. Actually, I think I "DO" make too much effort to express my feelings to my t. I think not being able to share my feelings as a kid -- and not having friends to talk to in real life - has made me desperate to share how i feel with somebody who cares and will listen and understand. I've been hoping it's OK to do this. . .it feels like things have been stuffed down for so long, and there's so much still in there. . .

I hope my t was touched by my saying the child part of me loved her. I've come to realize that she doesn't discourage the attachment - she just doesn't readily share her own reactions.

I think you are right, that she does get overwhelmed. Her supervisor changed a couple of years back, and he requires much more documentation on the computer. She's had to take on more clients and work longer hours. She's retirement age, and has recently cut her hours down and switched from a full time employee to a part-time contract therapist where she works. I think she wants to retire fully, but she said she wanted to continue with some of her clients -- I'm guessing the ones who aren't ready to be on their own yet (including me). I guess if she didn't care, she would have just retired.

I know i probably worry too much about her feelings. I know therapy is supposed to be about my feelings. But she means so much to me, and i don't want to hurt/bother/frustrate her.

Hi Mcl,

Thank you for sharing that. I hope so!!

Hi Christine,

The more I read these responses and think about your post, the more I think you are right. . .it's not that our t's don't care. . . it's that they do not often express that caring verballly. . .for whatever reason. My t told me once that people have told her she is "hard to get to know." So perhaps she is reserved about herself in daily life as well as in the therapy room.

Once when i accused her of emotionally withdrawing after I'd made some expression of closeness and how it's hard for me to let myself be vulnerable, she told me "I don't always like to feel vulnerable either." I'm not sure what she meant exactly. Do you think that my telling her how much she means to me makes it harder for her to stay clinically objective??

Hello,

For awhile, I was attempting to answer each post individually. But it has taken quite awhile, and I feel like my thread is "old news" now. I feel like i should let it go because people have already heard it, and don't want to read about it anymore. But I'm worried that the people I haven't answered individually might feel bad and think I didn't appreciate what they said, or that it didn't mean anything to me.

So. . .I want to express my gratitude for each person who answered my thread and shared your insights and experiences, and feelings! There is so much in this thread that I can read over and over again, that will help me on my healing journey. Please know that even if i was not able to reply to you personally, i very much appreciate your input. And i very much value ths community!

Or should i keep replying, even if the thread is old?

I don't want to hog the limelight.

You don't need mine or anyone else's permission, but you can feel free to reply to anything in this thread you are inclined to. I haven't seen any rule that says that you can't, and if people are interested in reading and replying that is not exactly "hogging" whatever light, lime or otherwise.

As I see it, you are giving people a chance to revisit these issues, if they don't want to, they'll stop replying.

Anne

Peaches,
I enjoy reading your responses. Thank you for this thread.
If you want to keep replying, you should, and please don't worry about this thread being "old news" or anything else (easier said than done, I know).
I'm grateful for all of your responses. That said, no pressure to respond more just so I can read them!

I don't have much to contribute but I do find this thread very interesting.

I once wrote a note to my therapist. It was short and sweet. I wanted to tell her how much I appreciated her and that I could tell it was not just a job to her. She got bit choked up and said, "How did you do that?" Meaning, how did I get to her emotionally. She tries hard not to be emotional. I didn't tell her that I loved her. That is just not me. I am not a huggy, emotional person like that. Even if I was, I am not sure I could/would say that to her. There are few people that I would actually say, "I love you" to.

One other time, I wrote her a long letter to express my appreciation for all of the things she had done for me over the past year. It was really hard for me to get that 'sappy' and it was hard to read it in front of her. She came and sat by me on the couch to give me support to get through it. She also wrote me a note before I left to tell me how much she appreciated the letter.

I emailed her later that night and asked her if she would write something in an email so that I would have it in black and white if I ever started feeling (stupid) for allowing myself to get so sappy with her. I was afraid that I may lose the note she wrote me and I wanted to save her response on my computer.

She did that for me. I still have the hand written note and the email. I go back and read it from time to time just to remind myself that she does have emotions! She just does not show them when we are in session. I honestly do feel that she cares about her clients, but I do tell her that she has a 'poker face'. It is hard for me to tell what she is thinking sometimes. If I really want to know, I will ask her. If she seems cold and 'clinical', I will tell her that. After being with her for almost two years, I am pretty open and honest with her about things like this.

I can see why your therapist's response seemed cold to you. Had my therapist not went out of her way to make me feel that it was okay to share what I did with her, I would have felt like you did. Too ashamed to ever go back and face her again. Come to think of it, I do think that I struggled with that for a while. That's why it was so important for me to have the note and email from her to remind me that what I did was okay and nothing to be embarrassed about.

I wote a letter to my t on xmas to say how much she means to us and the things abt her that are so helpful (affectionate, loving, honest etc)
She wrote us a sweet note back:


This is such a beautiful letter, thank you.

Thank you for your kindness and your appreciation.... You've been one of the few who ever says thank you... and that means a lot to me.

(edited to take out personal stuff)
Thank you again for all your kindness towards me.* I really do appreciate you.

Sending lots of warm Christmas love and safe gentle hugs your way

I get the impression that Ts don't get sincerely thanked very often.

Which seems really strange.

Peaches and all those who have participated in this discussion:

I just wanted to say how much this thread moved me. I view my T as very cold and clinical most of the time. I suspect there is warmth and caring there but I just see it so rarely and when I do it is just so 'barely there' and I later wonder if I actually saw it at all because his coldness negates it. I have printed off all the posts that moved me to tears in the hopes of expressing the feelings I have which I have been afraid to express. I realize that I am absolutely terrified of getting close to him again because I simply can't tolerate the cold clinical response. Not even a 'helping me through the feelings until they are resolved' response. I really do not see the point at all if he simply considers the matter dealt with after a ten minute discussion. That has simply caused me to try to view him in the same manner as he treats me. Like a patient in a dentist's office. I don't know, maybe we just can't communicate anymore because I'm so upset by his distance. It didn't always feel like this. Maybe printing this stuff off will cut through the crusty exterior that seems to have taken over. If this does not have ANY impact on him whatsoever, I think I'll be seriously questioning his competency.

PS: do not worry about this thread continuing. There is a good reason why it is. And...I may have ever seen it had it got buried.

Really? It does not seem strange to me at all.