[WePow]

Those of us who experienced abuse at the hand of authority figures find ourselves wanting something inside us that we can't name. There is a longing and a searching from the heart of the hidden child inside for what we should have been given by those who were supposed to love us and protect us.

Going into therapy is a risk on so many levels. We go in knowing that our hearts will be laid out for inspection. We work agonizingly hard at being honest with our T and silently beg that they will not harm us... that we will not "once again" be harmed by someone who is supposed to help us.

Is it worth the risk? Is it worth the tears we shed in secret, the ones we don't tell T about because they are about him or her?

This week I saw my T on Monday. We were dealing with some hard issues. My T was tough on me... as he needed to be. And I was fighting for my sanity but I was loosing the battle. I was not in a good place. I was in serious danger and I felt it so deeply within my being. I could tell my T could see it, but I could feel his frustration at trying to reach me but not being able to touch my heart. I was afraid.

But he wasn't. Yesterday I had to return to my T. In fact, I didn't see how I could, but he continued to reach out to me and ask me what I needed. His lack of fear allowed me to be brave enough to let him know that the one thing I needed more than anything else was to see him. So he made it happen. He would correct me and say WE made it happen :-)

I was as lost as I have ever been when I walked into his office yesterday. I was in pain on every level of my being. There was a time when my tormenters promised me that there was a fate far worse than death... and I was experiencing it. I was at the very end of the end of my rope. I had lost my own ability to even fight it.

T took me into his office and he was THERE with me. He moved over to me for our EMDR work and for the first time since we have been doing it, I was so aware of how physically close we were. A BIG part of me wanted to run out of the room in fear, but as I said, I had lost all ability to fight. And as my T made an effort to look me in the eye... as he trusted me enough for him to open up his soul and reach out with that part of who he is....

It is almost beyond my ability to put into words what this felt like.

My T once used the word "intimacy" with me. I thought I knew what it was. But yesterday showed me what intimacy was on a level of such total trust. He was there. He was with me. He could have done or said anything to me and I was in his hands. Something I promised myself at a very young age to NEVER again allow myself to be... vulnerable. But I did. I was without any defense. I was the child in the hands of one who had authority and power over who I was.

His eyes. So unlike the others who I needed to be there to protect me and teach me but who harmed me. A man. A mentor and a guide. A teacher. A healer.

I wanted to find some way to share this with you guys because I know the struggle we share in this area. I wanted to let you guys share this with me because maybe you can see how important it is to keep working at allowing the heart to be honest and open with T. It is a relationship and it is wise to just take time and stay safe inside. But keep working through the ruptures. Keep talking things over when problems come up. Listen to your heart and you will know if there is a chance that "one day" you will be able to let down your guard just long enough for your T to reach out to the real you.

A part of me which had never been seen by another person outside of who we are inside said to my T yesterday "You saw me. Didn't you?"

I know what my T and I shared yesterday was something precious. I also know I don't run around with all my shields down anymore than he does. So I know that the next session will be "back to normal" in most ways.
But one thing can't be undone. Yesterday we touched .... without anything unsafe for either of us... without any fear of the other person... without anything at all against therapy or healing in any way at all.... we were intimate.

I walked out of his office yesterday, without a single doubt in my mind, knowing I was loved.

[CantExplain]

Yippee! That is so good.

Incidentally, are you a writer?

[delicatefade26]

Beautiful...wow! Thank you so much for sharing this!! <3

[StrawberryFieldsss]

made me smile. happy for you!

[WePow]

((((all)))) Thank you for reading this and letting me share this with you.
My heart is a writer but I don't write... because of the pain in my heart.
But I had to share and so I wrote this from my soul.

[granite1]

i am so happy for you wepow and thanks for sharing.i sounds like a moment to keep forever

[rainbow8]

WePow, what you shared is beautiful beyond words!! You ARE a writer, and a wonderful one. I can picture you and your T sharing those moments and you feeling his love. You put into words what is so hard to verbalize--the intimacy that we can achieve in therapy with our T. It's different from any other kind of intimacy, even that of a spouse. It's more pure, or something. Maybe more basic, as has been written about, like the bond between infant and mother. I am so glad you experienced this in your session, and that you shared it with us.

[WePow]

((((Rainbow)))) I cried reading your reply to me. Thank you so much. I have a lot of fear about expressing in writing my heart. Thank you so much.

[googley]

(((((((((((WePow))))))))))))))

I was worried about you because I hadn't seen you in a couple of days. I am so happy to hear that you had such a healing session with your T. It sounds so wonderful to be truly heard and be able to trust so deeply. You have worked so hard to get to this point. Good for you.

[unaluna]

yeah, so whether you want to call what happens in that room "love" or not, the safety and healing of T changes you, and makes you realize you don't want to settle for those shabby places where you used to live anymore. how people treated you shabby, I mean, and didn't hear you, didn't listen to you, didn't know you at all, they just used you and criticized you and told you how you didn't live up to their expectations. when actually you were obviously a very good little girl or boy all along. the whole time. this is HOW we get stronger at the broken places, T is good glue. thanks for writing this wepow, I saw some of my moments with my T in what you described, but you probably know that. you are such a careful writer.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by WePow

My heart is a writer but I don't write... because of the pain in my heart.

Pain in the heart can be a good place to write from. And writing can be a good way to deal with a painful heart

[elliemay]

Originally Posted by hankster

yeah, so whether you want to call what happens in that room "love" or not, the safety and healing of T changes you, and makes you realize you don't want to settle for those shabby places where you used to live anymore. how people treated you shabby, I mean, and didn't hear you, didn't listen to you, didn't know you at all, they just used you and criticized you and told you how you didn't live up to their expectations. when actually you were obviously a very good little girl or boy all along. the whole time. this is HOW we get stronger at the broken places, T is good glue. thanks for writing this wepow, I saw some of my moments with my T in what you described, but you probably know that. you are such a careful writer.

Well said. So much truth in this thread.

This thread is making me cry. Before I started therapy, I didn't WANT anyone to see me. I had created this persona that I used and that I wanted everyone to see. sometimes, every once in a great while, I would let my husband see, but was never sure that he liked the "inside" me. I had done therapy before in college, but again, it was for a specific purpose and I like my T, but never really connected.

My current T has totally f***ed with my head. It seems like he sees me and still likes and cares about me, and now I find myself YEARNING for that in my real life. And it sucks because my husband doesn't really see me and when he does, he reacts with . . . I don't even know the word. Fear? Dislike? suspicion? some combination of those things. I WANT more now and it's all my T's fault. And I feel like I'm NEVER going to get what I want. So I told my T that the new focus of my T is going to be on NOT WANTING stuff I cannot have and he says that won't happen. He says me not wanting what I want will require major drugs - like heroin. I am now wondering where I can get heroin, but I'm pretty sure that wasn't his point. hahaha

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by My kids are cool

I WANT more now and it's all my T's fault. And I feel like I'm NEVER going to get what I want. So I told my T that the new focus of my T is going to be on NOT WANTING stuff I cannot have and he says that won't happen. He says me not wanting what I want will require major drugs - like heroin. I am now wondering where I can get heroin, but I'm pretty sure that wasn't his point. hahaha

As I figure it, the attitude of Ts to wanting and getting is that you should keep on wanting but accept that you might not get. Turn your need into a desire and your desire into a fantasy, so it stays part of you but doesn't destroy you when your needs aren't met.

Just my guess.

Wepow said:

My T once used the word "intimacy" with me. I thought I knew what it was. But yesterday showed me what intimacy was on a level of such total trust. He was there. He was with me. He could have done or said anything to me and I was in his hands. Something I promised myself at a very young age to NEVER again allow myself to be... vulnerable. But I did. I was without any defense. I was the child in the hands of one who had authority and power over who I was.

This made me cry ... but in a good way. Intimacy is a huge issue with me, and what you describe here says it all. I think many of us (me, for sure) have a huge huge fear of being vulnerable like this.

I experienced a rupture with T where I was terribly hurt, and found that I was in a place emotionally where I had no defenses whatsoever. All I could do was say over and over again, "Please don't hurt me. Please don't hurt me." I was not in session at the time, so I don't know who I was saying it to - myself, I guess. Oh it was so awful! I can't remember ever feeling that powerless. There was nothing I could do but beg not to be hurt.

I would never have been able to feel this way if I hadn't opened myself up to him. We are now working through these feelings, and I only hope that some day I'll be able to experience what you did. It sounds sooo wonderful, and you were only able to experience it because you opened yourself up to it. And I know how hard you've worked on this - for years.

I'm so happy you had this experience. The healing is happening.

Wepow - you rock!!!

[roads]

What a pure, full experience. I cried reading your post--but from appreciation or jealousy? Happiness for you, I hope. You have worked hard & risked so much.

I'm just starting with a new T & facing questions of trust & self revelation. You've given me hope.

Roadrunner

[SoupDragon]

This was such an amazing thing to read - I am so so pleased that you had this experience - it shows what is truely possible.

[karebear1]

I cried as I read your post WePow. It settled in my heart as something that is worth while and something that is right and needed, but I'm just wondering how do you do it Wepow? I mean, how are you able to let yourself be vulnerable like that? At this very moment I feel myself building a wall I don't really want to build, but am doing it because I just can't let myself be vulnerable to T. What did you have to do to come to this place? Ho did oyu gain the courage to approach T when your defenses have been so strong to protect you?

[WePow]

((((Karebear))))) For me, it has been need more than anything. My T gives me what I need for me to learn how to heal. The relationship is hard. It is not easy to walk into his office after a rupture. It is not easy to email him when I want only to shut down and shut him out. But I am rewarded for my trust. What he gives me is worth the risk and worth the bruises along the way. And I know he would never do a single thing to intentionally harm me. He does do things that hurt me. But it is about his intentions. And he rewards me when I am honest about our ruptures. He rewards me by not being angry with me or insulting me. He appologizes for mistakes he makes. And even when he did nothing wrong, if I am hurt, he appologizes for my pain.

It is ok to have the walls. Those walls saved us and they can keep us safe. What my T is showing me through the years is that we don't have to take down the walls at all. We just need to know how to build doors that are easy for us to open :-)

[2or3things]

WePow--

I want to move where you live, see your T, and become your best friend. Just sayin'.

Seriously, you amaze me all the time, but this floored me. So happy for you both! You've got such strength and kindness, and your T has such wisdom. Or, I guess, you both have all of that. Just lovely!