[sweepy62]

so today i decided to start my trauma work with my wonderful t, it was so very difficult i did not look at her much , i have turned my emotions inward i hold in my desire to cry and it hurts, 3 months ago i did not even cry at my father in laws funeral, i decided last year to hold all these feelings in, and they make me angry, t said i was safe with her and to just talk and if i cry i cry, she said she would stop the session so i can come back and unwind she said she would not let me out of the room all upset and crying, it felt very caring, but what must she think of me i am partially describing childhood trauma and not one tear just shame guilt embarrassment , will she think (damn this client is not crying what is wrong with her) it hurts holding all this in, and its not the meds because last year i was not on all these meds

i can feel anger and all of the other emotions except happiness and crying, several times i had to stop because i felt overwhelmed kinda couldnt breathe and she was so nice very empathic, like 15 minutes before the end of the session she told me to stop so that she could bring me back to present day, i think i will continue next week but i am worried she will think i am heartless i want to be able to release emotions and i dont know how

[pegasus]

((((((( sweepy ))))))))

Your T will understand completely. It sounds like you have conditioned yourself not to let out the tears. This could be something to do with not being able to let out those emotions at the time of the trauma. Maybe it really wasn't safe to show your true feelings at the time but it is safe to do so now. Be gentle with you.

It really is not unusual for those of us who have been through trauma to be unable to access our feelings. Therapists know that and are not at all surprised by it. I have been in therapy on and off for many years, and it has only been in the last year or so that the tears have come. Be patient with yourself. Just respond and process in whatever way happens in session and don't put the extra pressure on yourself about worrying about crying or about your therapist's reactions. We are much harder on ourselves than how we think our T's think of us. That's all that fear of judgement, shame, etc. coming through.

[beautiful.mess]

I can't cry either. Well, I guess I technically CAN....as in I am "capable"....I just feel UNABLE to do it. The tears just don't come. I know they're in there.....somewhere.....but I can't access them. I wonder what T thinks of me not crying as well. I wonder sometimes if he thinks I'm some kind of cold hearted b**** because I don't....can't.....show that emotion. I'm terrified of crying, esp in front of him.. For me, I personally cannot STAND the thought of him sitting there, watching me fall apart. I've gotten that my entire life (if I ever did cry) there was never any hand holding, hugging, comfort. I don't cry to get a response from people (like, I'm not manipulative that way or anything) but you know, when you are upset or crying, it would be nice if the other person was you know, HUMAN, and didn't just sit there and stare at you. I know that will happen in T and that's another reason I hold back.

UGH.

No answers or advice, just hugs.

[mcl6136]

Originally Posted by beautiful.mess

I can't cry either. Well, I guess I technically CAN....as in I am "capable"....I just feel UNABLE to do it. The tears just don't come. I know they're in there.....somewhere.....but I can't access them. I wonder what T thinks of me not crying as well. I wonder sometimes if he thinks I'm some kind of cold hearted b**** because I don't....can't.....show that emotion. I'm terrified of crying, esp in front of him.. For me, I personally cannot STAND the thought of him sitting there, watching me fall apart. I've gotten that my entire life (if I ever did cry) there was never any hand holding, hugging, comfort. I don't cry to get a response from people (like, I'm not manipulative that way or anything) but you know, when you are upset or crying, it would be nice if the other person was you know, HUMAN, and didn't just sit there and stare at you. I know that will happen in T and that's another reason I hold back.

UGH.

No answers or advice, just hugs.

No answers or advice from me either. Yesterday's therapy session was really intense for me (I tried to write about it on another thread, which I think bombed), and there were moments where I thought...I MIGHT CRY. And I feel as though I need to ....cry But then I didn't...in part because I didn't feel that I could ...as if I did not have the ability to do that in the presence of someone who was just staring..It was so hard. even now, I feel just really stuck with un-cried tears (is there any such thing?).

no answers just hugs....

[beautiful.mess]

Originally Posted by mcl6136

No answers or advice from me either. Yesterday's therapy session was really intense for me (I tried to write about it on another thread, which I think bombed), and there were moments where I thought...I MIGHT CRY. And I feel as though I need to ....cry But then I didn't...in part because I didn't feel that I could ...as if I did not have the ability to do that in the presence of someone who was just staring..It was so hard. even now, I feel just really stuck with un-cried tears (is there any such thing?).

no answers just hugs....

Oh heck yeah there's such a thing! I for one, know that I carry them around with me all the time. I had a difficult session today and when I left my teeth were chattering as I drove home, not because I was cold, but because that's the only sign of any emotion that would come out. It was like I couldn't cry but my mind/body had to *do* something to let it all out, kwim? Weird. At any rate, the tears are still inside somewhere for the time being. One day they may decide to make an appearance; time shall tell I suppose.

Thank you, beautiful! It's good to know it's not just me!!! I left a horrible session just shivering and couldn't stop for hours.

[beautiful.mess]

Originally Posted by My kids are cool

Thank you, beautiful! It's good to know it's not just me!!! I left a horrible session just shivering and couldn't stop for hours.

Seriously?! Wow.....that's crazy! My teeth were literally chattering/clicking. It brought me back to when I was in labor and that happened. My dh was telling the nurse to get me a blanket (he naturally thought I was cold) and i couldn't get it through his head that it was just this.....I don't know, automatic response from my body with the stress of the situation and not because I was cold. I remember my nurse telling me it was normal and not to worry.

But today it kind of threw me. "Yikes" is all I could think.

[sweepy62]

Originally Posted by beautiful.mess

I can't cry either. Well, I guess I technically CAN....as in I am "capable"....I just feel UNABLE to do it. The tears just don't come. I know they're in there.....somewhere.....but I can't access them. I wonder what T thinks of me not crying as well. I wonder sometimes if he thinks I'm some kind of cold hearted b**** because I don't....can't.....show that emotion. I'm terrified of crying, esp in front of him.. For me, I personally cannot STAND the thought of him sitting there, watching me fall apart. I've gotten that my entire life (if I ever did cry) there was never any hand holding, hugging, comfort. I don't cry to get a response from people (like, I'm not manipulative that way or anything) but you know, when you are upset or crying, it would be nice if the other person was you know, HUMAN, and didn't just sit there and stare at you. I know that will happen in T and that's another reason I hold back.

UGH.

No answers or advice, just hugs.

thx i am sure i can cry i guess i just learned to shut down that emotion, what a mistake its just that i dont even cry in front of my husband (since the last year) i have done alot of crying through the years

[sweepy62]

Originally Posted by mcl6136

No answers or advice from me either. Yesterday's therapy session was really intense for me (I tried to write about it on another thread, which I think bombed), and there were moments where I thought...I MIGHT CRY. And I feel as though I need to ....cry But then I didn't...in part because I didn't feel that I could ...as if I did not have the ability to do that in the presence of someone who was just staring..It was so hard. even now, I feel just really stuck with un-cried tears (is there any such thing?).


no answers just hugs....

yeah well i guess so because i should have been crying while i was touching the surface with my t about my trauma i often stopped speaking and just spaced out no emotion but i did want to punch a wall but i could not, i think she sits there and wonders how could this be possible so much trauma and not a tear but this is just the begining

[sweepy62]

Originally Posted by My kids are cool

Thank you, beautiful! It's good to know it's not just me!!! I left a horrible session just shivering and couldn't stop for hours.

my session was intense today but i decided it was time to process some of this at my own pace like my t said, but the only emotions i had were embarrasment guilt shame i felt like a little kid, she reassured me i was doing ok, i could hardly breathe i hope i can let this crying emotion out i know it feels better when you do, i dont know where my tears are i have held them in for over a year before i started therapy i hope to god it goes better next session