[delicatefade26]

I'm sitting here trying to decide if I want to email T and tell him I don't want to have a session tomorrow-which I'm not even positive we were going to have-he said he would see me next week and that it would be on Monday-I even asked him if he was sure since he was going out of town...so I emailed him on Friday and asked if we were still going to have one...and I havent heard from him...and it's causing me such great anxiety and anger...feelings I thought I was over with him...but it feels like it did in the beginning...and I want so bad to email him right now and make up an excuse to not have a session...
However my thoughts are in a horrible space right now still...which is also confusing me because they are making me want to push away from him-not see him-when I thought it would make me want to have him...ugg I'm exhuasted emotionally today...I dont know what to do...I'm asking for some perspective before I send an email I might regret....

[SoupDragon]

Hi delicatefade26, I am sorry you are having a tough time with this - I know the feelings you describe well and it can be very confusing.

My T once told me to keep going to see him even if he turns bad in my mind. I didn't know what he meant at the time, but now when I get that urge to bolt, I remember this and stop myself from quitting.

If you thoughts are all over the place right now, I would think that is more of a reason to go than not to go.

Let us know how you are doing - Soup

[delicatefade26]

Thank you so much Soup...I'm just mad at myself because I thought I was in a space where I could just roll with the flow about T...and be okay with knowing that he might not get to my email until tomorrow...or that he might not be able to see me tomorrow (which I know this issue of not having a set time is ridiculous-and I think will always be a barrier...but there is nothing I can do about it...i already tried to quit because of it and was in so much grief and pain I was going nuts)...I felt I had made huge strides in being able to handle this...but every time I check my email and see that he has not responded sends me into an alternate state of mind...and i hate it...and I'm soooo close to email him and telling him I dont want to see him...ugg!! I feel like there is such tension around this...and I have to decide...email him or wait til he emails me-which I have a feeling will ask if we can meet later in the week...which makes me pissed..ugg

[ECHOES]

Try to remember that he isn't ignoring you. I'm guessing that he is away from communication during the holiday weekend. It sounds like he is out of town and planning to see you tomorrow, since he did confirm that before your email.

It's hard when T's are away. Sometimes it's harder when they are out of town. I told my T once that distance mattered when she was away. I'm used to it now, because she travels out of the state often.

[SoupDragon]

Originally Posted by delicatefade26

Thank you so much Soup...I'm just mad at myself because I thought I was in a space where I could just roll with the flow about T...and be okay with knowing that he might not get to my email until tomorrow...or that he might not be able to see me tomorrow (which I know this issue of not having a set time is ridiculous-and I think will always be a barrier...but there is nothing I can do about it...i already tried to quit because of it and was in so much grief and pain I was going nuts)...I felt I had made huge strides in being able to handle this...but every time I check my email and see that he has not responded sends me into an alternate state of mind...and i hate it...and I'm soooo close to email him and telling him I dont want to see him...ugg!! I feel like there is such tension around this...and I have to decide...email him or wait til he emails me-which I have a feeling will ask if we can meet later in the week...which makes me pissed..ugg

I suppose by e-mailing him and telling him you want to cancel, will relieve you of the uncertainty of will he / won't he respond. But my guess is that even if you did that, you may still be wondering if he would respond to that e-mail and you'd still be waiting.

My T tells me that I can cancel sessions if I want to (I'm always going on about stopping), but his advice is that this shouldn't be done in response to a feeling and after a bit of thought I understood that, as our feelings can be so strong and overwhelming leading us to making the wrong choices - So I would ask yourself if you can be sure that your feelings now are not trying to lead you to making the wrong choice about seeing your T?

I know it is so hard waiting for T's to respond - are there any practical things you can do to try and get some relief for a while? Going for a walk, watching TV, putting in some boundaries as to how often you can check your e-mails, the Games forum on here realy helps me sometimes.

- Soup

[delicatefade26]

You know what? I decided I'm going to let him email me...even though I'm pretty sure it will say something about not being able to meet tomorrow and wondering if we could meet later in the week...which I can't...I don't want to make up some excuse-I want to see if he even remembers...considering last session he had to ask me if the hospital was the best place for me right now you would think he would...but I'm probably setting myself up for disappointment-so maybe I will send one to prevent that...I feel myself pulling away...whatever : (
....I know all of this sounds so stupid and it's my emotional brain doing all this...but i dont care right now...

[delicatefade26]

Thank you so much Echoes and Soup...I feel like I'm at such a tension point-I have a choice to make right now...I either let me emotions take over-or I do some of the things like Soup suggested...instead of sitting here and ruminating and agonizing over it...(I seriously just looked up flight times to see when he could possibly be getting in...yep I will own that that is crazy)...and just see what he says when he does get back to me-we will either have a session tomorrow or we wont'..and I dont have to make it such a huge freakin deal...

[ECHOES]

he said he would see me next week and that it would be on Monday-I even asked him if he was sure since he was going out of town

I don't understand... didn't he confirm the appointment here ^^?

[Perna]

Originally Posted by delicatefade26

I know this issue of not having a set time is ridiculous-and I think will always be a barrier...but there is nothing I can do about it...i already tried to quit because of it and was in so much grief and pain I was going nuts

If the way your T does business does not work well for you, you have to protect yourself and try another T. I would go tomorrow and discuss the whole issue of not having a set time and how it makes you feel (such that you do some acting out emailing T to ask for reassurances). If he says "see you next week" then the onus is on him to "see you next week!" If he does not show or gets mixed up or otherwise gets tangled in his own mismanaged business, then you need to take your cleaning to another cleaner!

Convert the grief and pain to anger at not getting what you are paying for, what you are asking for, what you are expecting, and discuss that and the other person can help by giving you what you are paying them for or they can show you (not just "tell" you) that your perception is incorrect or you can decide enough is enough, "I'd like to see someone who can serve me better in my life" and go find another therapist you think will serve you better?

[delicatefade26]

Echoes he said that he would see me next week-and said that we would have to go back to our usual Mondays..but never gave me a set time or confirmation I guess...we usually do this through email
Perna-My T has a job somewhere else (counseling) but has very few amount of private practice clients-and with his schedule he cannot offer a set day/time because of this-we have talked about the anxiety this causes me-and so we have been consistently meeting on Mondays in the evenings...for the Holidays though we had to switch some things up so he could see me-and he is very good about it...he is not mismanaged-it just happens when he is out of town-and is not in communication through email that this becomes a problem anymore...anyways i'm not switching T's...I guess I just need to talk more with him about how much this bothers me

[delicatefade26]

I emailed him and said I can't make it tomorrow...whatever it's done...

[unaluna]

I don't know why T's - was it mostly the men T's? - were such idiots about these holiday Mondays. My T was also insisting two weeks before that it would be business as usual. I was like, I don't think the busses are even running, are you gonna come and pick me up? Then later he's all like, well OF COURSE there's no appointment, like granite's T. SOMEONE must have sold him a clue. I would bet you don't have a Jan 2 appt if it's a legal holiday in your country.

[SoupDragon]

Originally Posted by delicatefade26

Thank you so much Echoes and Soup...I feel like I'm at such a tension point-I have a choice to make right now...I either let me emotions take over-or I do some of the things like Soup suggested...instead of sitting here and ruminating and agonizing over it...(I seriously just looked up flight times to see when he could possibly be getting in...yep I will own that that is crazy)...and just see what he says when he does get back to me-we will either have a session tomorrow or we wont'..and I dont have to make it such a huge freakin deal...

And you are not crazy of making a huge freakin deal...it's like if you had a really bad tooth ache you could probably hang on knowing that your dentist was going to see to it at a certain time tomorrow - but if your dentist hadn't got back to you to confirm when they could see you and it may or may not be tomorrow that pain may well increase and feel overwhelming and you would be wanting to contact your dentist for reassurance.

We all go to see our T's because we need some help in dealing with stuff - if you were feeling real calm right now and absolutely cool about whether you were going to see your T or not, then maybe you wouldn't need to be going at all.

Don't beat yourself up about needing confirmation of your appointment, I do not think it is crazy.

Let us know how you get on - Soup

Just read your update - hope that has given you some relief

[Perna]

Originally Posted by delicatefade26

anyways i'm not switching T's...I guess I just need to talk more with him about how much this bothers me

There, that's good for you to know! You have decided you are not switching T's.

What can you learn from talking to him more about how much the situation bothers him? Do you hope to convince him to become more regular in his handling of you and your session days/times? Do you hope to become not as bothered by the "unknown" next session day/date/time?

The first you have no control over and could lead to dangerous problems of his saying he'll be more consistent but then not being able to keep to that and you are left in a similar bothered state or his not saying, promising, agreeing to be more consistent and your perceiving that as his putting his personal life and needs above your reasonable therapy needs (that he provide a consistent "frame").

The second reminds me of me and my husband saying I do not have an "I don't know" bucket I "have to" understand, have to see situations clearly, feel things one way or another or I am anxious. Knowing this about myself though has been real helpful because I can use the "whole" to comfort me about the pieces; no one experience is greater than my whole experience. The weight of history, of all your experiences with your T and his trustworthiness and care of you has led you to stick with him. When I become anxious because "this" situation is scary, I can remember other, similar situations in the past that came out okay and have faith that this one will too, all things considered.

[ECHOES]

My T changed plans at the last minute this year. She rarely is away, so I'm really thankful for that. She works 4 days, leaving a long weekend for some travel. She's so reliable it isn't funny. Stays late if needed, once came in on her Friday off because I needed her.

Anyway, this year she said she was not taking any time off around the holidays. Okay, so on the way out the door both Thursdays, I said see you Monday and both times (she was embarrassed and apologetic each time) she said "Oh, wait! I'm glad you said that. I decided I might take another day after the weekend. Can you come in on Tuesday?" And I could, it was no problem, but holy cow I nearly left not knowing, and would have shown up and found a darkened and locked office.

I realized when this happened, especially the 2nd time (I can be generous and forgive once, but after that I usually suspect this is happening on purpose), that I am feeling secure with her. I hope it was the innocent occurrence that it seemed to be and not some kind of test, but either way, I responded with acceptance and without alarm (paranoia, assigning maliciousness, feeling unimportant, etc.) and that is a good thing for me.