[granite1]

so my T sent my letter back to me unopened and unread.she enclosed a small note that coldly said bring this to our next appt on the 9th and read it to me,thanks T.that was it.i hate her and now i truely know she hates me.she didnt even put my name on the note she included.what have i done so bad that she hates me so much.i dont know what to do she really has no intrest in helping me at all i have wasted three years of my life with her i thought maybe she could care a little but i was just kidding myself.i thought that she really could halp but i guess i truely am broken beyond repair and no one can help this mess of me.she knows i wont bring it with me or read it i am sure she is banking on it then she wont have to deal with me.i hate life so much why even her god i cant even pay someone to care or even pretend to care

[WePow]

((((((((Granite)))))))))))) omg. That is wrong on too many levels.
Maybe she did not want to lose it? IDK.
All I know is you deserve to be with a T who can actually help you out.
Is there someone else you can try?

[unaluna]

I guess she DID remember from last year after all. that means something, I think. she is holding the boundaries she believes are necessary. like if someone wants to do it with their T and he won't, it means he loves them by holding the boundaries. it's not the same thing, but in a way it is.

[granite1]

Originally Posted by hankster

I guess she DID remember from last year after all. that means something, I think. she is holding the boundaries she believes are necessary. like if someone wants to do it with their T and he won't, it means he loves them by holding the boundaries. it's not the same thing, but in a way it is.

no she just hates me and that is fine god knows i am use to it.there is no real other reason why she couldnt even spend 5 min to read a letter when she isnt even going to be seeing me for 3 weeks and then only once and then not see me for another 2 weeks

[Nelliecat]

((((((Granite)))))) Wow, that would have really upset me but the only way you can know what she meant by sending it back is by asking her. Easier said than done though, you must be feeling in turmoil at the moment. Hugs to you

[pbutton]

Wow, I hurt for you. I have a hunch this is one of those times where T gives you what you NEED not what you WANT. But, owch.

[granite1]

Originally Posted by WePow

((((((((Granite)))))))))))) omg. That is wrong on too many levels.
Maybe she did not want to lose it? IDK.
All I know is you deserve to be with a T who can actually help you out.
Is there someone else you can try?

im thinking about it it just hurts to see how much she really just doesnt care at all.i have never been mean to her at all or anything .so i dont talk much i would think that would be easy money for her hell if that is it maybe i should have enclosed a check for 5 min of her time.i am so so hurt beyond belief

[granite1]

Originally Posted by pbutton

Wow, I hurt for you. I have a hunch this is one of those times where T gives you what you NEED not what you WANT. But, owch.

how on any level is this what i need i cant see it at all what i need is some kind of suport some way to get through this pile of crap called my life not have it just sent back to me because it isnt my monday appointment

[skysblue]

Granite - I am so so sorry. That must feel so horrible. I don't know your T and I don't know really your relationship with her. Is it possible that she's doing everything she can to help you TALK to her? Is it possible that she cares deeply and is encouraged that you went so far as to write her and now she hopes you'll take the next step?

idk - I would also feel deeply hurt also if my T returned a letter of mine unopened. There must be an explanation. She must believe that this is a way to help you. She may be completely wrong in her approach and it may be an approach that isn't working for you. But, still, I don't believe she hates you and I think she's doing of what she is capable to help you.

I so feel for your suffering.

[rainbow8]

Oh, granite. My heart aches for you, so badly. I think your T should have read the letter and her sending it back was wrong, like WePow said, but I also agree with hankster that she made that rule and she's keeping it.

But she doesn't hate you. That part is simply not true at all. She's treating you the way she thinks is going to help you. I can see my former T being like that when I didn't want to leave her house and she just kept saying "this isn't healthy" until I left. No words of consolation or question as to why I couldn't leave. I was devastated of course.

My current T would never do that. But my former T thought she was acting in my best interests.

Maybe it is time to try the T you were thinking of a while back. A different T could help you to talk and it wouldn't be like starting over. I know you don't want to hear that now, though.

You are so compassionate and nice. No one hates you.

[Perna]

Do you want the T to know what is in the letter? Bring it with you and read it to her. She does not know what you are going to do; that is up to you! She only knows what she prefers and she gets a vote as it is between you and her. Demanding another person do things in your way is an attempt at boundary crossing. It is not wrong or bad, but the other person gets to say, "no thank you, I prefer this way" if it concerns them. If someone gives you a gift, you can throw it on the floor and stomp on it or take it away and throw it in the trash privately or whatever you want. T has temporarily returned your gift to you and asked it be given to her in an appropriate therapy manner. She is trying to help you by teaching you how to give and receive, how to successfully interact with others.

She did not have to send the letter back to you, she could have just given it back and asked you to read it during the next session, where you would be on the spot or could have just "told" you she did not read it and would not and left it at that (or sent it back without a note!). The note was helpful, so you know she does want to hear what you have to say but in the appropriate fashion for therapy.

Therapy happens during sessions, when you are face-to-face with your T and you respond to her and she to you; it cannot happen here, it cannot happen in a letter, therapy can only happen in therapy, when all of you is engaged with your t.

[granite1]

the letter wasnt for her anyway it was to get out what is inside me who cares if anyone hears it anyway right .i'm just me and why should anyone give a crap

[granite1]

she doesnt care.she wont care if i brought the letter back to read it or not she just doesnt care and i am so hurt it hurts real bad i should have never written this stupid thig .i hate me.i would not have killed her at all why do people hate me so.

[confuseduk]

((((Granite)))) I'm so sorry you're hurting right now, I know it feels like you reached out and were rejected but did it at least help to write all of those feelings down? If you want to share here then know that we care about you. i'm sure T does too was just handled badly

I'd be hurt too. I'm really sorry.

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by hankster

like if someone wants to do it with their T and he won't, it means he loves them by holding the boundaries. it's not the same thing, but in a way it is.

To me this is a strange way to show love.

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by Perna

T has temporarily returned your gift to you and asked it be given to her in an appropriate therapy manner. She is trying to help you by teaching you how to give and receive, how to successfully interact with others.

This is an example of something that puzzles me on Psych Central. How do you know this is what she is doing? There seems to be a lot of certainty in interpreting what Ts are doing or not doing and why...

[velcro003]

Oh granite nothing anyone says is going to change your mind because you are so deeply hurt right now, and i am so sorry for that. It must hurt even more because you knew it was a risk, that she has said she only wants you to talk in therapy-that is what she is trying to break through for you even though it feels painful and like she hates you.

This is what i see as a complete outsider. You are in so so much pain, have come from a very traumatic childhood. It makes complete sense that you are so self-protective: to show any vulnerability equals horrible, awful punishment. I know you can't yet bear hearing words like abuse and trauma, but just from the little you've posted about your mother makes my skIn crawl.

Your T cares about you. I can see it in the way you write about her. One of her boundaries is that she can only do face to face therapy with you, as that is the best way for her to show you that she is there, wants to hear your story, wants to help. That right now, the main problem in therapy is the actual talking, opening yourself to that very raw vulnerability. I know, because i have spent four years having the same sort of problems. My T took away emailing for the exact same reasons: I was definitely more open and sharing of my feelings. And it temporarily made me feel better, got it out of my head for the time being. As my T explained it, sure i felt better for a bit, but it was a band-aid, and i used it as a way of really talking about my feelings-which did not help in the long run.

I know it feels so horrid right now-but i think it was nice she sent a note back. She isnt rejecting you, she is letting you know she DOES want to hear it, but from you. She is letting you process it. It would be worse if she told you in session to read it to her, or that she didnt read it, right? Maybe it wasnt the best way to approach it on her end. Maybe this was an error in judgement, but it doesnt mean she hates you or doesnt care. What i think you should do is go to your session. Bring the letter. Put it in your therapy bag next to your kitty. Write a thread that day asking for pocket riders. We'll be here. Do you know how COURAGEOUS you have been? You keep showing up despite your fears. That means there is a part that desperately needs to be heard, wants to heal.

If you cant read the letter, thats ok. She will know how brave it was for you to show up. If all you can say to her that day is "i am too scared to read it, that is why i mailed it," then consider it a huge feat of excellence! Seriously. If you cant say anything, it is ok.

I find it really strange that your T won't read any written communication from you, especially as you find it so hard to talk - I'd have thought ANY way of being able to open up and communicate with your therapist would be welcomed, at least to get the ball rolling... But then, I'm not a psychologist Perhaps your T has her reasons, and they might well be good ones - but I also understand how you'd feel hurt by this, I know I would be. I guess it comes down to whether you trust your T is doing the right thing by you or not. Whether you can accept the way she's working with you. Only you know if it's a good fit or if it's time to move on to someone who might understand you better?

At least you got those feelings out by writing, hey? I hope you keep writing. I've been writing out my feelings lately, and I've found it's helped me some too.

[2or3things]

I so, SO feel for you Granite. Just how much you’re suffering is so plain and so raw, and I know that lots of us wish we could take that away for you. But please don’t believe for a minute that your T doesn’t care…I really don’t think that’s it at all. (If she really didn’t care, she wouldn’t have bothered to send the letter back at all and ask you to read it during your next session, I think. I mean, I think for a lot of reasons that she really does care, but can you try to hang on to at least that one little reason for now?) And I know you think she hates you, but even you yourself know that there’s no reason why she should.

I think I may understand a little of what you’re going through. Like you, I spent quite a while not saying anything (about the first 2 years or so of therapy). I was just always afraid of everything. I mean, I’d actually talk, but it was always either about how much I hated myself, or otherwise pretty much about nothing at all.

During some of that time, I used to email my T a lot, and I’d try to say some of the things I couldn’t say face-to-face. I really thought that things should be getting better or that my relationship with T should have been improving or something. But it didn’t really work all that much.

A few months after I started writing, at about the time my T’s email policy changed (for everyone, not just me), it turns out that she actually figured something out about me that has been infinitely helpful…

All that time I’d been using email as a way to try to express something about my needs, but to do it in a way that meant I was never really putting myself and my needs out there. While I wanted very much for her to understand and respond, there was a disconnect that felt much safer when I put it all in writing. So I could say all the darkest stuff if I wanted, but I’d never really have to feel that stuff. And in that way I had a buffer between myself and anything that I worried that could hurt me. But of course, the things and people and connections that we’re afraid of are the things that also have the most potential to help us heal.

I know that there’s no easy way, but you’ve GOT to talk to her, in my opinion. It’s really just my 2 cents, but I think it’s your best shot at getting better. I know for me, once I had that outlet (of email) and had it taken away, I got so desperate that I finally HAD to talk to her. And things are far from perfect, and I’ve still got so much work to do, and much of it is in learning to be connected to my T. But I can honestly say that it’s all worlds better than it was.

I know you need to take care of yourself, and that withdrawing probably feels like the best way. But please, please think about ways to keep yourself safe and to also talk to T face-to-face. It might hurt a bit, but the helping part is so worth it.

[WePow]

All I know is you are hurting and that is not good.
I am so sorry for your pain.
I don't know why Ts do what they do at times.
Bottom line is you have pain and you have a need to have a space for the words to be held. My T doesn't read all the emails I send him, but he told me that he holds space for me and that is his job.
You deserve a working T relationship.
Please don't take this personally what was done. It is just your T doing what your T does. I think she would do that to any of her clients.
If the relationship does not work, you have a right to find one that does.

[pbutton]

Granite, please know that any ONE person in this thread would be willing to take away this hurt from you if we could. Hopefully all of us combined can actually have the power to ease your pain, if only a little.

You are tremendously cared about here. I am so sorry you are hurting.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by pachyderm

This is an example of something that puzzles me on Psych Central. How do you know this is what she is doing? There seems to be a lot of certainty in interpreting what Ts are doing or not doing and why...

I see us more like a bunch of people looking at a huge very expensive canvas of modern art with like a single tiny dot on it and saying what the artist meant - who the eff knows! But we're very sincere.

edited: I was being self-deprecating. I actually like modern art very much. I think what we do here is valuable, I think granite sharing her feelings is so generous, I can't believe she gives us this gift. i told t yesterday I have found a group of my peers (including my new clone!), like at least a dozen of us on here at any given time, and he was speechless. he was like, how lucky are you to find ONE person you consider your equal, and to have so many? he goes, how did you find this site again? I was like, oh no, do I have to remind you? "T's behaving badly" this past June? He was like, oh yeah, right... So i'm sorry if I insulted anyone by implying their contributions here are vague or unfounded. PC is my new, really only, true, family.

[anilam]

I don't usually write any feedback (probably too shy). However, I love to read quite anything that is posted here.
But this made me so mad. I have to say something...

I think she screw up. And big time. I don't really care and cant guess why she had done that (you need to ask her for your sake) but I KNOW it is not because she doesn't care about you. She cares, maybe she is not the perfect T for you, maybe she is - only you know that- but she DOES care.
I would be hurt too so I understand how you feel, but please be safe. Take care. Sending you one virtual

[Perna]

Originally Posted by pachyderm

This is an example of something that puzzles me on Psych Central. How do you know this is what she is doing? There seems to be a lot of certainty in interpreting what Ts are doing or not doing and why...

It is how I wish to perceive what she is doing. Our perceptions of situations are always wholly ours; doesn't matter what the other person actually is doing (or, if it does, we ask them, "hey, why'd you do that?").

Right now, I perceive that Granite has perceived her T as not caring and is upset about that. I like my perception of her T's behavior, makes moving forward with her T more possible which is what I would want to try and do were I in Granite's shoes.

Watch out for those pink elephants, Pachy, you know they don't exist; so how come you immediately picture/perceive what doesn't exist? Am I magic? Or do you want to understand what I say so picture the pink elephants to see if you can figure out why I am warning you to watch out and thus try to match your perception with mine? "Bring this and read it to me and we will discuss it in session" seems to me a rather straightforward opportunity to communicate with the least possible interruptions and allows for interaction and possible correction of mistaken perceptions about another.