So I asked T, in my doorknob move .... " so, do all clients want to be special?" she thought and said yes , definitely.... As she adjust her shirt.... And I then asked " so if I asked you if I were really special or just think I am would you tell me? She hesitated, bit her lip, "um , well" ... Just say it I say... " no, it's not in your best interest "....ok right , but now I will wonder ... O never mind.

Her answer didn't really answer my question... If she said yes i was special then mommy loves me and ill be hooked ( not in my best interest ), if she said no your not special I would have been devastated (not in my best interest). Maybe she sidestepped the question for fear I couldn't handle the truth or she didn't want to lie to me.

Are there signs to look for to really know your special? Shaky boundaries and disclosure of personal things are those signs? I'm beginning to wonder if it even matters?

I have half a mind to delete this, but the other half needs input.

We all want to feel special. We are the center of our universes! Probably every other patient your T sees wants to feel special too. AndI suspect to the T's we ARE all special, just in different ways. One is special because they're funny, another because they're caring, another because they're trying so very very hard to make therapy work, etc etc etc.

As a matter of fact, in interpreting a dream, my T has told me that I need to feel special. I agreed with him ... but didn't ask if he considered me special. No point. We've got other things to talk about ..... like why I need to feel special.

[CantExplain]

Since it was a doorknob move, T might have been wiser to say, "We'll look at that next week."

And then next week she could ask, "What does special mean?" "Do you feel special?" "Why do you need to feel special?" "What is the opposite of special?" "What if everyone were special?" "How would you feel if you weren't special?"

Another possible outcome:

T: When you're here, you're the most important person in my world. Doesn't that make you feel special?

[stopdog]

I would be irritated (consumed with rage) if the t told me getting the answer to some question was not in my best interest. Who the f is the therapist to decide what is in my best interest. Being special would fly right out the window after that.

Originally Posted by CantExplain

she could ask, "What does special mean?" "Do you feel special?" "Why do you need to feel special?" "What is the opposite of special?" "What if everyone were special?" "How would you feel if you weren't ? Doesn't that make you feel special?

My T doesn't ask question like this...is that normal?

The truthful answer is probably not. And I'm not saying that to upset you. But a good therapist won't see you as anymore special then the rest of his/her clients. That's not to say that therapists don't secretly prefer working with certain clients over others. They're human after all, and I'm sure there's some clients who they can't stand but they're getting paid so they deal with it.

[unaluna]

It's not enough that Barry Manilow wrote a song about you, immortalizing you forever?!

yes I know that's redundant

Originally Posted by Lycanthrope

That's not to say that therapists don't secretly prefer working with certain clients over others. They're human after all, and I'm sure there's some clients who they can't stand but they're getting paid so they deal with it.

That's the special I am talking about, the secretly prefer... secretly like, I know there are people she doesn't look forward to seeing, T told me.

Originally Posted by hankster

It's not enough that Barry Manilow wrote a song about you

hahahahahahahaha

But does "T" think the song is special? Hahahahahahahaha

I am a teacher. Each of my students is really special to me in their own way. They are each different and unique to me. I lobe each of them in a unique way. My heart is big enough for all of them to be special to me.
Might it be the same way for your t?

Originally Posted by SarahMichelle

They are each diffeteny and unique to me. I lobe each of them in a unique way. My heart is big enough for all of them to be spe ial to me.
Might it be the same way for your t?

If I get brave enough to bring this up again I'll ask her. That's a good way to look at it! Then I'll secretly strive to be the ultimate supreme secretly favorite client! J/k, well kinda ... Hahaha

Oh my gosh, I would love to be special to T, to be his favorite client ever, etc. And I make sure to tell him that occasionally

T has told me I'm special, but he will never ever ever say I'm his favorite, even if I am. EVER. And I hate it, but over time, it's led to a lot of really good (and painful, blah) insights in therapy. If T said "yes, you ARE my favorite! Ever!" I could bask in that, and it would be kind of awesome...but since he won't (and I may not even BE the favorite! *gasp*!), I've had a lot of opportunities to look at that big feeling I have - the feeling of wanting to be the favorite...and it's made me realize how much I want to be loved, how much I want to make up for the things I missed out on as a child, how scared I am of being invisible. It's brought up childhood things and allowed me to work on them. It's helped me be honest with myself about my wants and my needs, and it's slowly pushing me to look for the things I need, and to grieve and let go of what I just didn't get.

So. I do think that there is real, actual therapeutic benefit in not having those questions answered. But it's SO not as fun as just hearing "yep! you're my favorite!"

Well put tree, I may borrow your response and simply read it to her ... And ask if she agrees ?

Originally Posted by LolaCabanna

Well put tree, I may borrow your response and simply read it to her ... And ask if she agrees ?

Of course!

[Inedible]

We are all part of the whole of everything, in life and in time in death. It only seems like we are separate, individual. It would be nice to be more aware of being part of everything and everyone, but it is easier to feel the air you breathe. It is so basic and natural a part of you to be inseparable from the whole that it is next to impossible to see or feel it. So yes, you are special. It says in "A Course In Miracles" in the Workbook as one of the lessons, salvation of the world depends on you.

[ECHOES]

Originally Posted by LolaCabanna

So I asked T, in my doorknob move .... " so, do all clients want to be special?" she thought and said yes , definitely.... As she adjust her shirt.... And I then asked " so if I asked you if I were really special or just think I am would you tell me? She hesitated, bit her lip, "um , well" ... Just say it I say... " no, it's not in your best interest "....ok right , but now I will wonder ... O never mind.

Her answer didn't really answer my question... If she said yes i was special then mommy loves me and ill be hooked ( not in my best interest ), if she said no your not special I would have been devastated (not in my best interest). Maybe she sidestepped the question for fear I couldn't handle the truth or she didn't want to lie to me.

Are there signs to look for to really know your special? Shaky boundaries and disclosure of personal things are those signs? I'm beginning to wonder if it even matters?

I have half a mind to delete this, but the other half needs input.

Your post reminded me of an email to/from my T. I read on a site that I really like, something that bothered me each time I read it.
I will share with you what I said and what she said about being special:

ME:I once read that a goal of therapy is to help the patient see that they are not 'special'. Do you agree with that?

My T: About being special, I believe to learn that we are not specially horribly different, but to learn that we are very special and to love that.

I really loved her reply!

[OneRedRose]

biting of the lip can indicate anxiety, or stress from lying (when not used in a flirtasious enviroment) going by the conversation you indicated that you had, and the reactions you thought you would have on both versions of her answers, then it was most likely anxiety that she did not want you to become attached, or devestated by her response, so it sounds like her response was more to protect you, rather than confuse.

so i guess that in itself indicates that you are special because she is protecting you, even from herself.

I think what we mean when we say we want to be special is we want something ordinary, we want to be appricated, wanted, cared about and loved. But if we didn't get enought of that 'ordinariness' growing up, it feels as if its something special we are looking for, something someone can only have enought of to give to one person because all we expereinced growing up was limited if at all. It scares me to think of sharing someones good thoughts towards me with sanother, because my expereince was myself and my sibling were split into good and bad, he was good and I was bad so I thought this is how live goes. Trusting that healthy people can feel positive about more than one person is still a struggle for me. My early template hasn't been corrected yet.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by LolaCabanna

the secretly prefer... secretly like

I do not think there is any secret; we know when someone likes us and I don't give a rat's you-know-what about the other people T sees so judging T's liking of me against my imaginary them does not serve me? Preference how?

If you and T work well together, that's preference! That's communication and working to create something special that many people are not able to have, a good working relationship with another person. Think about the other people you love, like, work with. You know the one's you enjoy being around and who enjoy you. That does not happen every day. Working to make it happen with T and succeeding, that is what "special" is.

The way to know if you are special to someone is to simply observed how they treat you. Do they treat you with respect? Do they listen to you and support you? Are there moments of spontaneous emotion/connection between you, be it laughing hysterically or painful tears? Just observe.

Specialness doesn't have to be exclusive to you for it to be real either. I have many relatives and they are all special to me in very individual ways. I have three children. One is not more special than the next, rather we have our unique special relationships. I have had many, many students over the years, some of which are particularly special to me for a variety of reasons, but none of them is "most" special that I can think of.

Rather than hope for being THE most special client of your T, find the unique specialness that lies between you and value it for whatever it is. You can do that yourself; you really don't need to ask, though I suppose you can if you want to. But perhaps being able to find your own specialness for yourself would be the greatest gift to yourself.

It's all about the mommy thing. Background and i apologize for the rambling....As a child of teen parents I was raised by the village, moved a lot (26x's) lived with my grandparents , dad, mom afew weeks back to grandma and then when I was 11 I moved in with mom and 5 out of 7 siblings ( full, half and step) and my 4th step dad and remained til I was kicked out at 17. I was never parented and never connected with any parent. The years with my mother were filled with abuse physical/mental and sexual and now As an adult 38 I am missing something , something so huge it creates a hole in my soul and I try to fill it with anything. I was never special to anyone and although it seems silly to not know when someone likes you.... My mind doesn't work that way, I need to hear it. You all have brought up some good points and I am sure I'll take this thread to T.

Yes I need to hear it too, I need it spelt out. I want to be 'filled' up by it.

Originally Posted by LolaCabanna

As an adult 38 I am missing something , something so huge it creates a hole in my soul and I try to fill it with anything. I was never special to anyone and although it seems silly to not know when someone likes you.... My mind doesn't work that way, I need to hear it. You all have brought up some good points and I am sure I'll take this thread to T.

Lola, I really feel for you. I think my favorite thing about this forum is that I see that I am not weird and I am not the only one. Thank you for that. I felt like I was a needy weirdo because I always have the impulse to ask my friends and husband, "you like me? Really? What about now? Still like me? Really?"

I like you. I think you're special and very cool.

[beautiful.mess]

I can relate to wanting to feel special (but then again, I think we all can). I think, and this might just be me, but I think that if I feel special to my T and am his favorite for whatever reason, then that means that I'm important enough to be thought of out of session. Like, I mean more than just that therapy hour in his eyes/mind. I feel that if I'm special to my T then I matter. And I need that outside validation because I can't give it to myself.....I don't know how to give that to myself.

I'm desperate to know if I'm special to my T. I'm desperate to know if I'm special to anyone. This is why I asked him last week if he thought we "click" person-to-person wise (I posted about it). He stated all the good/positive qualities about me but dodged my actual question. It confused me and ticked me off. Nothing like trying to make sense of the senseless...

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by My kids are cool

I felt like I was a needy weirdo because I always have the impulse to ask my friends and husband, "you like me? "

OMS (oh my salad) I asked Spalding Gray (not so famous movie star) live on stage in front of a few hundred people, "You love me, don't you?"