Therepeutic Relationship

Do you have emotions and feelings very often? Do you think about your feelings very much? Maybe you have feelings that you don't usually pay attention to. Maybe you don't even realize you have some of the feelings you have. If so, maybe she doesn't know you aren't aware of your feelings. Then she might think you're holding back your feelings.

I think it's a good idea to tell her that's what you think. I don't think you have to worry about being rude, but a polite way to say it could be to include phrases like "I'm confused"... because you said I'm not letting you in or "I'm confused" because you said we're not attached or "I think" we're attached becasue... or "It seemed to me" we're attached because [give your understanding of attachment].

I think it's good you feel attached to her. Maybe she doesn't know you feel attached. A lot of people would show feelings if they were attached. But some people think they are showing attachment just by showing up.

I think "letting someone in" is about emotions. I told T things about myself for the first 5 months without feeling any real emotions - certainly not toward him. And then ... transference started to kick in. I fought it, and eventually decided to stop fighting and give in. A while after that, I decided to let him in, meaning inside the wall I put up to keep myself safe from other people. I purposely made myself emotionally vulnerable to him (can you spell terrifying??? ) Oh crap, it's uncomfortable to even write this.... But I know this is the way to understanding and healing ... I can feel it starting to happen.

Like ... someone can tell you that a hot stove can burn you, and yes you understand, it's logical, it makes sense, but there's nothing like putting your hand on that stove and actually getting burned to really understand it. To experience it. Enough - sorry for rambling on. My opinion only

Yeah this could be it - maybe she wants me to have an opinion about her. That could be the crux of it.

That is a toughie. I'm not sure how to get feelings about a person. Well hate is easy but other than that...no idea. I sort of don't want to have an opinion on her because that will snowball and ruin the therapy. And this is my last opportunity for therapy so if I stuff it up, that's it.

That's the general idea I thought too. Although I don't have any walls up, I tell her what's what and I tell her everything. I am an open book in therapy. But I am also a simple person so maybe she thinks there is more to me than there really is. i asked her before if that's what she thought and she just said "you know there's more" with a knowing smile.. lol. If there was more I'm sure that would be great but really, there's not.

that sounds like very good stuff to tell her.

No, I don't feel stuff very often. I started off not feeling anything at all (I used to intellectualise every single thing and had anhedonia for about 19 years) and then I went to the first T and she helped me to feel something every now and then. So now i feel things every now and then but that's it.

My current T knows this but I don't think she realizes the scope of the anhedonia. It's not that I have feelings and can't identify them - I just have very few or don't care about most issues.. however you want to define it. Anger I can feel and sadness and frustration but thats about it.

How sad, I'm so sad for you. I think there is more to you, it's just you have been "not" feeling it for so long, that you assume it doesn't exist. But it does, all the other emotions exist, they are just getting squelched. Squelched so fast you don;t even realize they rear their ugly heads. My guess is that you have been hurt very much in the past. And I am so sorry for you. Unfortunately, I know of which I speak. I did the same thing for so long, and yet it is hard for me to feel that way any more. I opened myself up and I am the better for it, but I must say that the bad feelings get just as intense as the good feelings. Whatever is best for you is your decision. I just hope you even entertain the mere thought that there may be more to you than you suspect. Because I think there is. Best of luck to you and warm wishes.

How did your first t help you feel something every now and then?

I have no idea really. I don't know if it was the content of our conversations or if it was the information I got about how OTHER "normal" people work, or what.

I disagree. I was dx with BPD yrs ago, and when entered therapy this wasn't even mentioned, infact labels are kept out of therapy and we talk about me, my feelings etc, if we concentrate on a label we will become that label whether we are that label or not.

Can you remember any of the times when you first started to have feelings? What happened?

In having a ther rel'p the t and client are forming a strong team to tackle your problems togethet in a healthy way.

There is definitely more than one way to do therapy, and really, 4 months is not that long of a time.

Obviously your therapist is a relationship centered practioner, but not all are like that.

If you do think you have some emotion or some hint of an alliance with her, but you are stifling it, that is one thing.

However, if the notion of developing a relationship with this person does not seem to be understandable, or productive for you, then perhaps another approach would be preferable.

It is absurd to say that you have no relationship. You might not have the kind of relationship T wants. It's up top her to spell out what she wants.

When my T says "let her in", she means, "believe in your heart what I'm telling you."

Which is asking a lot.

Yeah.. my depression and rage got worse and i begun to not be able to leave the house or dress myself or shower or was my clothes etc. And this lead my therapist (at the time) to stop sessions with me. So I had to find a new therapist which took me about 6 months because where I live there arent many around that do it for free. And now the same thing is happening with her.

Yeah, I'd love to be able to go around and just pick and choose what approach and what kind of practicioner to use, etc. But where I live, if you have no money then you have no therapy. Simple as that. If you are lucky you might be able to get into community mental health center but they mainly deal with actively psychotic people or actively suicidal people. I know i should be actively suicidal and am heading towards that but I'm not there yet and i don't really want to be there. It's complete BS how, by not being suicidal, i am ineligable to get any of the services I need to STAY not suicidal. The health care system in my country is complete BS.

I'm just having a bit of a rant, this isn't directed at you. I just hate this "beggars can't be choosers" system we have here.

This was me when I started with my current T.

Well that would make sense. Although my T doesn't "Tell me" anything. I have to come up with it myself.. so I'm guessing she means something different. Maybe she wants me to tell her some juicy secrets or something. Not that I have any.

Over time, did you end up being able to feel the whole range of emotions? I keep asking my T this and she believes its unrealistic to expect that much of a huge change... which I can sort of understand.

Strange that a T would give up so easily...

YES, definitely, I did find a wider range of emotions.

For example, I always thought shame was just a weapon used by my mother to punish me. Nothing to do with me at all. Not a real emotion in fact. I was very surprised to discover that shame was something I could actually feel.

My T once told me that she had taught me to love - a piece of rare bravado on her part. I certainly learned a lot about love, but I wasn't completely loveless to start with.

In reality, the other emotions were always there, but the almost constant anger drowned them out.

That sounds like a very scary brave and honest true thing to say.

Yes it is stupid and awful.

That is awful too. Does your therapist know that?
It seems like people feel bad emotions before they feel good ones. I wonder if your current therapist would think she could help you if those bad feelings started happening?

Yeah, that could be a possibility for sure. Its good to hear that you ended up feeling the whole lot of emotions. There is hope for me yet! heheh

Yeah she does know that. I think that was the idea with my last T.. the bad emotions come first and then later on the good. But after 2.5 years of bad emotions she sort of gave up, lol. I can tell the current T is having the same issue right now... she is following the same script to the letter. She keeps saying to me "I don't even know why you're here"... not sure what that is supposed to mean. I think it's a sign that she's about to give up on me like the rest of em.