[sweepy62]

hi i been in therapy a year my t is very good, last week we were on a sensitive subject i went into a mini tantrum because after what i told her, i wanted her to tell me i was a horrible kid for doing it and i wanted her to be judgemental, i know they cant but if i told anyone else they would have reacted judgemental. i dont know why i did it, all she did was listen as i begged for her to get pissed at me, very calmly she said i am not going to say that to you, if u want will will keep talking about this topic at another time.

is this transference? and can i get examples of transference

[2or3things]

****Not sure, but maybe this needs a trigger warning for mention of hypothetical anger?****

I'm not a T, so take it with a huge grain of salt, but as I understand it, transference is about reacting to someone (in this case your T), on the basis of past experiences with other people with whom you still have "unfinished business." So if someone in your past was abusive or judgemental or whatever, you'd be looking for that reaction in the present day from others (again, in this case your T) on whom you project that past experience.

An example in order to (hopefully) clarify...

Let's say that, growing up, my experience was that my mother had a lot of anger issues that she took out on me whenever she found even the slightest reason to do so, such as when I'd make a mistake. And let's further assume that I never really worked all of that out in a healthy way where I came to understand that the problem was hers, not mine.

Until I DO work that out, I'll go around expecting people to be angry with me and assuming it's my fault.

And maybe I'm at T one day and I'm talking about something I've done that I'm now thinking wasn't so smart. My automatic assumption is that T will be angry with me for what I've done. I think that because my past experience makes me believe that people will be angry with me if I make a mistake, just as my mother was. So I go looking for T to be mad, and even believing that she is when she really isn't, because that's the pattern of interaction I've transferred onto her from my unresolved past.

I do think it's a bit of a chicken-and-egg game, though. I'm not 100% sure, but sometimes it seems we actually seek out people who remind us of those people we still have unfinished business with. (Which is why I could only imagine working with an older, female T.) But sometimes it seems like we'll just see those old patterns in whomever we're with at the moment. (Which is why I'm pretty sure that I'd still have found my T to be critical or cold or angry or whatever at times, even if he was a 24 year old guy!)

I think transferrence is about the repetition compulsion at play. We keep trying to reenact past trauma as a way of working through it, hopefully by "getting it right" this time. But until we have a T or someone who gets that and can help us talk through it rather than acting it out, it's a bit of a lost cause. It's just piling more trauma on, I think.

Anyway, I've blathered on as usual. But I hope it helps a little!

Yep, smells like transference to me And the fact that you're recognizing it is encouraging - it means you're making progress!

I think 2or3things explains it very well, certainly better than I could. Another example might be a parent who was inconsistent with love & affection, who could give love but withdraw it at any time for numerous reasons. If this patient experienced transference with the T, they would react to the T as they had with the parent. So they would be expecting rejection at any time, no matter if the T was positively angelic and very warm and loving. With transference, reality becomes perception. We are looking so hard for the expected response that we may see it when it isn't actually there. Or in your case, you were confused because you didn't get the expected response. It made no sense to you - that's not the way things are supposed to work! So it can be extremely uncomfortable because we don't know how to behave - the T is not following the script in our minds.

As I wrote above, 2or3 things said it better, but I hope this helps

[sweepy62]

Originally Posted by TheBunnyWithin

Yep, smells like transference to me And the fact that you're recognizing it is encouraging - it means you're making progress!

I think 2or3things explains it very well, certainly better than I could. Another example might be a parent who was inconsistent with love & affection, who could give love but withdraw it at any time for numerous reasons. If this patient experienced transference with the T, they would react to the T as they had with the parent. So they would be expecting rejection at any time, no matter if the T was positively angelic and very warm and loving. With transference, reality becomes perception. We are looking so hard for the expected response that we may see it when it isn't actually there. Or in your case, you were confused because you didn't get the expected response. It made no sense to you - that's not the way things are supposed to work! So it can be extremely uncomfortable because we don't know how to behave - the T is not following the script in our minds.

As I wrote above, 2or3 things said it better, but I hope this helps

thats exactly it inconsistencies in my childhood i should be embarrased that i have transference do u think my t knows it is transference

Originally Posted by sweepy62

thats exactly it inconsistencies in my childhood i should be embarrased that i have transference do u think my t knows it is transference

Good heavens, don't be embarrassed!!! It happens, it's common, and it's normal, and it can be very useful in therapy. It sounds like you have a good T, so I'm sure she knows that's what it is. Don't worry if she doesn't use the word "transference". My T rarely uses the word itself, even though I'm waist-deep in transference stuff right now. We work on the issues that come to light, not the transference itself. That's not the problem. Just keep showing up for sessions!

I spoke with my T about my transference to her not more then 1.5 hours ago. I told her I transferred my feelings of needing a mother to her, so in my mind she became my mother. She knew that. Hell we even reffered to it as the elephant in the room today! T in turn gives me what she thinks is best not what I want. It's frustrating to say the least, In my mind I took all the little things I knew as fact about T and took an educated guess at the rest , a combination of my dreams and her possibilities. I then became attached to the T I created, maternally, not the RL T, man she's just that good...lol. But, I recognize it and that is good. Talk about it with T, it helps.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by sweepy62

i wanted her to tell me i was a horrible kid for doing it and i wanted her to be judgemental, i know they cant but if i told anyone else they would have reacted judgemental. i dont know why i did it, all she did was listen as i begged for her to get pissed at me

Looks like you are testing the relationship.

I told my T that she was withholding her anger from me and that meant she didn't love me.

Yes its transference, but the difference is deep down you know T isn't going to be judgemental but you need her to know how awful it felt when someone in the past was. we dont always have the words to put to these past experiences so I tend to re-enact them out sometimes attacking T and not realising at the time I am trying to put my pain into her and want her to act it in a judgemental and angry way so I am free of the inner conflict but she allows me to have the anger/fear etc and processes it with me in a new and healthier way so it changes within me.

Originally Posted by sweepy62

thats exactly it inconsistencies in my childhood i should be embarrased that i have transference do u think my t knows it is transference

I told T I was embarrassed, last session,she said I should never be embarrassed with her. I asked her if it felt weird for people to transfer things onto her... She said no she's used to it. She knows it's not really her. I think it's our mothers, fathers, abuser's, clergy, siblings and strangers that hurt us and we are learning to undo the harm they caused. Did you learn anything from her refusal to yell at you? Who were you really mad at? She asked me something interesting, she wanted to know if they others people in my life that i have transferred onto, if they were still in my life. The answer is no most are gone. She said that she will be like that, fond memories of a time gone by and not to worry about the transference it's ok... But to know she will not give me what I want, but what she thinks I need....she's said that is why your boundaries have you in a box...even drew the box with her fingers in the air... Nice, she's trying to force me to feel my life... So we can proceed. Sorry for rambling, it was a good session. Talk to T they are accustom to this.

[sweepy62]

Originally Posted by LolaCabanna

I told T I was embarrassed, last session,she said I should never be embarrassed with her. I asked her if it felt weird for people to transfer things onto her... She said no she's used to it. She knows it's not really her. I think it's our mothers, fathers, abuser's, clergy, siblings and strangers that hurt us and we are learning to undo the harm they caused. Did you learn anything from her refusal to yell at you? Who were you really mad at? She asked me something interesting, she wanted to know if they others people in my life that i have transferred onto, if they were still in my life. The answer is no most are gone. She said that she will be like that, fond memories of a time gone by and not to worry about the transference it's ok... But to know she will not give me what I want, but what she thinks I need....she's said that is why your boundaries have you in a box...even drew the box with her fingers in the air... Nice, she's trying to force me to feel my life... So we can proceed. Sorry for rambling, it was a good session. Talk to T they are accustom to this.

thx lol honestly i did not know what transference was and i dont know why i wanted her to be angry with me but i dont want to ask her about all this transference stuff i wonder if she knows i was transfering stuff over to her

[nicoleflynn]

Transference.....just a fancy word for....feelings.

Originally Posted by nicoleflynn

Transference.....just a fancy word for....feelings.

eh its a bit more, its a discription of what is going on with the feelings ie putting them into another.

Originally Posted by sweepy62

hi i been in therapy a year my t is very good, last week we were on a sensitive subject i went into a mini tantrum because after what i told her, i wanted her to tell me i was a horrible kid for doing it and i wanted her to be judgemental

I don't disagree that it is transference and the previous posts have done an excellent job of explaining it. This piece, though, reminds me of something I used to do with my T, which is asking him to collude with me in labeling myself as bad. He repeatedly refused to agree with me that I was bad, which really pissed me off. Not too long ago, he and I talked about how frustrating it was for me when he did this. But it was also so healing for me and it really helped set me on the path towards self acceptance and interrupted my automatic desire to beat myself up all the time.

There is a thread I started that describes one of these incidents:

http://forums.psychcentral.com/showthread.php?t=196339

Anne