Therapist as blank slate - does it really matter?

I always thought that had something to do with it as well.

My T self discloses quite a bit. We have a very close relationship. I think his sharing information about himself with me helped build our relationship. So even if it seemed there was no obvious reason for him to tell me he got new hardwood floors or he had a cat or that he visited an ailing family member, it helped build our relationship into something strong and emotionally intimate. That kind of relationship makes it easier for me to feel safe and share with him. So if he takes a couple of minutes to talk about himself in our sessions, it is not wasted time. We draw closer, and that facilitates therapy and healing. That works for us. I think if he had a client who didn't want him to self disclose, he would pick up on that and honor it.

on one hand i am an inquisitive (read: nosy) person, so i would like T to answer questions I ask her, which she does. on the other hand, i sometimes imagine myself to have very good intuition about people, so I sometimes like to fill in the blanks and feel affirmed when i might later learn i was right about something.

My T doesn't self disclose that much. I wonder if he has picked up on the fact that I don't want him too. I don't mind random talk, I just don't want to know about his personal or family life.

I can relate to this. "Won't tell me anything, eh? Well let's see what I can deduce!" And then I'd tell her.

Which is actually a sneaky and manipulative trick, because she sometimes couldn't resist telling me I was wrong. So T, you will talk, after all. I win!

But usually I came up against her poker face. That was an aspect of the blank slate I especially hated.

I hate the poker face. That's when I act up and try for "anger" from the T...better than nothingness. I hate the blank slate; it's ok in the first 5 sessions but after that it is like yelling into an empty well. It doesn't feel like I am communicating with anyone.

Haha this probably explains my impulse to want to pick something up and throw it across the room during session, to simply get a reaction.

Totally irrelevant but your post reminded me of "The Nothing."

Personally, I think it is important for the therapist to remain as neutral as possible.

I think it is only natural that we get very curious about this person sitting across from us that we are spilling our deepest thoughts to.

However, there is such as thing as too much information. I guess I don't understand the power struggle that can ensue if there therapist seeks to maintain that neutrality.

I've definitely seen the quest for information backfire in horrible horrible ways on this board. You never know what piece of information is going to significantly affect your therapy.

That's not to say that you shouldn't inquire about qualifications, education, discliplinary actions etc.... That information should be given freely, but other personal stuff??

Well, best to let sleeping dogs lie I guess.

After being in therapy for 6 months or so, I asked my therapist if she would play a game with me. I made some cards with questions on them. Things I wanted to know about her. They ranged from the names of her children, to her favorite foods, her pet peeves, and her life goals. She didn't have a problem answering them, but she did ask me how this was going to help me.

I didn't say anything. She spoke up and said something like, "Is this about trust? You need to be sure who you are sharing things with? Does this make it easier for you to open up in therapy?"

That was part of it. But the other part of it (for me) was that if I was going to share all my personal stuff, I wanted her to be open and honest a little, too. I know that therapy is about me, but I had to build that relationship with her so that I could relax enough to get any work done.

It worked for me. I know quite a bit about her. She answers most of the questions I ask her. The only one I don't know is exactly where she lives. I know the area, but not the neighborhood. I could find that out if I wanted to. We have a mutal friend that I am sure I could get that info from. It wouldn't be that hard for me to find out. It's not that I want to drive by her house, I would just like to know her 'lifestyle'. Does she live in a big beautiful home? Or is it modest?

Not sure why that matters. I am just curious. Blank slate would definitely not work for me at all!

LOL! I got a hint about that! I showed my T a picture of a cute coat stand I bought off the internet, then he said he needed one too, so I looked for wood ones for him (mine was black metal with some wood trim, eighty bucks or so). I was pushing for my favorite, and he blurted out, kind of exasperated, "I'm not going to spend a THOUSAND dollars for a coat rack!!!" Like he'd had this sort of argument before with people eager to spend HIS hard-earned money! It was a beauty, tho. You could push it closed like a column, or open it and the top would bloom, like a tree.

My T doesn't tell me anything, even when appointments get moved I don't find out why. It's really hard to open up to a total stranger when you have trust issues to start with! I don't expect her to tell me everything but just so I know she's human and exists outside her job. I'm scared of asking in case she rejects me or it's a boundary or it makes her angry. I think it's natural to be curious about someone though, especially when they question and want to know so much about us

From The Neverending Story, Part 2?

The Nothing that could never be destroyed, only filled?

YES, from 1 and 2!

Fair enough, and I respect your position. I just don't agree!

1, Maximum neutrality (the blank slate) feels like overkill.
2. Some patients need more information than others.

Hmmm...

Does your therapist agree that sleeping dogs should be left to lie?
Isn't therapy all about waking dogs up?!

By the way, therapeutic neutrality is a myth.

Try telling T, "I grew up in a neighbourhood where CSA was the norm."

T is not going to be neutral about that, and quite right too!

T told me once, "I approve of your sexuality." I'm very grateful for that affirmation, but it's dead against the rules. Isn't it?

I sometims think the only time Ts do any real good is when they break their own rules.

I find all of the different approaches to therapy to be interesting.
The reaction I have to this is -who (and probably would add in some expletives) is she to approve or disapprove of a client's sexuality? I would probably explode all over the place if the one I see ever told me she approved or disapproved of anything about me.

Well, if they are my dogs, yeah, let's wake them up. If they are his? Not so much. His dogs just shouldn't become my problem.

My therapist is much more interested in what I think I know about him, or how I feel towards him in a given moment.

It's not that I don't understand about wanting to know about your therapist. I do. It's wasn't a huge issue for me, but I do know all about face planting in the therapeutic boundaries set by the therapist.

What concerns me I guess about your situation is the power struggle that has developed over this information. What would happen if you "won"?

It certainly seems to me that you are at a stalemate here and very very angry over a lot of things with your therapist.

Maybe you need to be that way right now, but how do you see this resolving into something more beneficial for you?

Of course it's a myth. No human can ever be completely neutral.

Maybe, maybe not.

Well, there can be value in breaking out of the therapeutic frame. My therapist has certainly done it, with mixed results to be honest.

One such break just about caused me to completely quit therapy with him altogether.

Therapy is such an organic thing, it's clear that one size does not fit all. It also appears to me that you are using this thread to consolidate and hone your argument that your therapist is wrong.

Who knows? She may, in fact, be dead wrong, but have you considered respecting her wishes, wrong as they may be?

Perhaps dealing with the fact that you want something that you are not going to get, rather than locking yourself into this anger and struggle?

As always, I'm reminded of a quote - actually this time a story of sorts:

"One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside all people. He said, “My son, the battle is between two 'wolves' inside us all.

“One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.
“The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.”

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: “Which wolf wins?”

The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”

My current T tells me a lot about her life, and yes, sometimes she brings her stuff into the room. Like once I felt she was distant, and I assumed she was pushing me away. When asked, she appologized and she had some family stuff going on and she was probably a little preoccuppied with it. But she assured me that she wasn't pushing me away.

This was tremendously helpful, and helped with the trust building. It's also something that I'm able to remember in my 'real life'. That if I perceive people as being different, it may be for a reason other than to do with me. So I need to stop projecting and start communicating.

It's old anger and old battles. I don't know that it matters so much now. But it was a big deal back then.

Wrong! It's a big deal right now!