[stopdog]

I went to see the t I go to today. It was okay albeit mostly chat which makes me think it was a waste of money as I have free people to chat with, but it was not as horrible as it can get. I left her office and started feeling bad and then sank into wanting to smash myself into a wall or otherwise beaten badly -like whole body slam beaten. I did not hit anything, but the horrible feeling persists. At least when I leave knowing I am angry and frustrated it makes some sense. Here it was a waste perhaps, but I was not all enraged when I walked out the door. I still am not in a rage, just a horribleness. She was neither particularly off base nor on target today. I just feel like I both just did something very wrong even though I do not know what (and rationally know I did not) and like I am headed for doom with no reprieve. I am not describing it well. This happens every time I go to there to some extent. Somehow the feeling of wanting to get smashed is more intense when the appointment is not a complete disaster. Does this happen to anyone else?

[pbutton]

When I told my T that the session was sort of chatty, he said he thought we needed it for bonding or attachment or intimacy or something that I probably don't want to think about right now. (Yeah, this is MIGHTY helpful of me, I know. )

Is the smashing feeling somehow your reaction to your attachment to T?

I love your "I have free people to chat with" comment.

[CantExplain]

When I was in my angry phase, I could get quite distressed when there wasn't any obvious target for my anger.

[stopdog]

[QUOTE=pbutton;2205624]When I told my T that the session was sort of chatty, he said he thought we needed it for bonding or attachment or intimacy or something that I probably don't want to think about right now. (Yeah, this is MIGHTY helpful of me, I know. )

Is the smashing feeling somehow your reaction to your attachment to T?
[\QUOTE]

The t has suggested it, but I am not certain. it seems an odd reaction to attachment.

Originally Posted by CantExplain

When I was in my angry phase, I could get quite distressed when there wasn't any obvious target for my anger.

I understand it when I am angry, but today I was not angry nor looking to be angry.

[lastyearisblank]

Yes I think I have experienced this!!- it is usually one of two things, or both...

1) Personally I am introverted which means that sitting down and talking for 45 minutes can be really overstimulating for me. Like you mentioned with the chatting, except with therapy the topics get intense. Also, especially if it's a really serious topic, it can be hard to be going and then just stop all of a sudden. Does your T give you enough time to cool down?

2) Sometimes I get this when some feeling is coming up that is not addressed. Either some discomfort/conflict interpersonally is going on, and I'm not able to address it before leaving, so I feel uncomfortable. Or the topic itself is so sensitive that talking about it makes me feel restless..

I would definitely feel the way you describe-- on edge--keyed up-- when experiencing some ambivalence toward the T. I am usually good at knowing what I am feeling and why, and for me that intense jumping out of the skin/wanting to be harmful feeling comes from not knowing.

[SoupDragon]

Even though I hate the negative stuff that goes on for me, it is at least familiar and predictable, which makes it kind of safe, even the feeling of unsafeness is a safe feeling to have as I am begining to recognise the patttermn.

I just wondered whether the fact that the session was "ok" and the feeling you had leaving your session was not as horrible as it can get leaving your T session, made these unfamilair to you and therefore overwhelming to have? SD

[Perna]

If I felt as you do, I would suspect that the non-action, "blah" nature of the session set me off. If I am looking for someone to push against in order to feel myself and don't get that, I feel unsatisfied and kind of just "out there" in no man's land?

[stopdog]

The feeling is not the fear like I feel before going in. The thing is, the overwhelming sense of me being wrong or defeated tinged with faint guilt (in no specific way-there is no thought or deed I can point to and the words I listed are not quite right but the best I have) happens whether things are bad or okay. There was some minor connection I suppose. These are the only two ways I have ever left but I am coming to believe if I ever left feeling slightly more than okay or minorly connected, the repercussion crash would be unbearable. The repercussion of this minor part is bad enough.

[Sannah]

Maybe what you are feeling are your stuffed feelings? Therapy has a way of focusing on us.

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Maybe what you are feeling are your stuffed feelings? Therapy has a way of focusing on us.

I don't think so. I feel like this at other times. I just don't know why having a not terrible interaction with the therapist does not feel different (better) from having a terrible one.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by stopdog

I don't think so. I feel like this at other times.

Why can't the "other times" be about your stuffed feelings too?

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Why can't the "other times" be about your stuffed feelings too?

I suppose it could. I don't really think I do stuff feelings but I will think about it. I am perhaps disappointed that even when I am not enraged at the t or the process it does not make any difference. I still need to get pounded to stop feeling so horrible.

[unaluna]

How do you feel about the song "Anticipation"? Are you always on time? Do you hate when the other person is late? Feeling good is not always better - having it taken away is devastating. I'd almost rather not have it. I wonder if you are punishing yourself for getting your hopes up again. Can you write out (for yourself) the therapy dialogue as granite did and analyze it?

[stopdog]

I think it is more that I have deliberately put myself in peril.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by stopdog

I am perhaps disappointed that even when I am not enraged at the t or the process it does not make any difference. I still need to get pounded to stop feeling so horrible.

So you thought that you only felt horrible because of the present enragement at the T or the process? Didn't you go to therapy because you felt horrible already?

Originally Posted by stopdog

I think it is more that I have deliberately put myself in peril.

How did you do this?

[learning1]

Does being close/attached to someone feel perilous?

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by Sannah

So you thought that you only felt horrible because of the present enragement at the T or the process? Didn't you go to therapy because you felt horrible already?

Yes. I feel it at some level all the time, but intensely in perilous situations make it a lot worse (even when I rationally know they are not perilous and that nothing bad will or even can happen). I find the therapist intensely perilous. But with no relief even when it goes okay - unlike in other situations where there is some lessening of the feeling. So this is worse, constant, and I deliberately do it to myself. And I know there is no reason for it but I cannot figure out how to stop it and the only thing that I can even imagine bringing any relief (not fully but enough to function) is to be beaten.

[pbutton]

Say you knew that tomorrow you were going to wake up totally attached to your T. You'd look forward to chatting, desire her opinion, enjoy her support, and share every single thought that you had.

What's your gut reaction to that?

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by pbutton

Say you knew that tomorrow you were going to wake up totally attached to your T. You'd look forward to chatting, desire her opinion, enjoy her support, and share every single thought that you had.

What's your gut reaction to that?

I want to throw up. And then pounded to stop the anxiety.

[pbutton]

Originally Posted by stopdog

I want to throw up.

Yeah, I kinda felt that way writing it.

If you'd like to gauge against my reaction - I feel like that would give T way too much power over me. I'd feel weak and needy. That is TOTALLY unacceptable. It is incredibly important to me to feel like I don't need anyone, and especially important for me to feel like I don't need T. That would embarrass me. He's supposed to be some neutral third party helping me, not some object of a bizarre obsession.

[pbutton]

Originally Posted by stopdog

And then pounded to stop the anxiety.

Eek, eek. I'm sorry, I was a little worried that would trigger you and it sounds like it did.

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by pbutton

Eek, eek. I'm sorry, I was a little worried that would trigger you and it sounds like it did.

No don't worry. It was not you.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by stopdog

I think it is more that I have deliberately put myself in peril.

This sounds to me like "blaming the child", saying it was the child's responsibility.

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by pbutton

Yeah, I kinda felt that way writing it.

If you'd like to gauge against my reaction - I feel like that would give T way too much power over me. I'd feel weak and needy. That is TOTALLY unacceptable. It is incredibly important to me to feel like I don't need anyone, and especially important for me to feel like I don't need T. That would embarrass me. He's supposed to be some neutral third party helping me, not some object of a bizarre obsession.

I never get quite this far in the thinking process, but I would probably agree if I did. It is like my brain shuts down and I don't really know what part I am afraid of. But the leaving feeling of awfulness does not feel like the same sort of fear as the going in feeling - which I readily label fear. The after feeling is not as clearly fear to me, although it may be.
I certainly know I rationally believe that therapist is some third party hired to assist. I could always hire another - actually I do hire other ones on a regular basis.

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by hankster

This sounds to me like "blaming the child", saying it was the child's responsibility.

Yes but as an adult I am the responsible party. I made the choice and the repercussions are mine.