[rainbow8]

I don't want to hijack rainbow_rose's thread about holding on to the good feelings. I seem to need so much validation for my feelings about my session. I can't just tell myself "it was great" and be glad. I have to hear it from others, and that is frustrating because it's never enough.

I have to work on this problem more in therapy. I have what seems like an insatiable need to be praised because I don't value my self. This has come up over and over for me in various ways. It came up just now when I saw my thread wasn't on page 1. I'm going to write up my feelings on my tracking log because this has been a trigger for me before.

So, this is about wanting my therapy experiences to be acknowledged over and over, holding on to the good feelings without needing other people to validate them. It's about finding the middle ground, being comfortable with what I get, not being so demanding because that turns people off.

My T will say to be curious about this part. I think I've worked with her many times. It's really about validating myself and knowing that I'm valuable and not needing everyone to tell me.

[CantExplain]

The way I figure it, a person is born needing a certain amount of reassurance, validation and praise. The person won't feel "whole" until he or she gets the necessary quota.

[rainbow8]

That means I'll never feel whole. I appreciate your answering me though!!!!!!!

[Perna]

I don't know what you mean by "holding on". We feel what we feel when we feel it. Feelings are never "wrong" or incorrect because they are about us and to help orient us. Did you ever watch the Mary Tyler Moore show episode where they were laughing at a funeral?

If you did well in yesterday's session and knew it but are uncertain now, you are uncertain now. Yesterday's good feelings are not about now! Yes, we can think of them and use them for hope of more good feelings in the future or as examples of what made us feel good in the past (and might now) but the current uncertainty is probably not about not feeling good now "because" we felt good yesterday. There is no continuance of good feelings, they change like weather and thoughts, adjusting to current circumstances.

If I say "don't think about pink elephants" and you instantly think about them but don't remember what I said tomorrow, when you see a picture of a pink elephant; there's nothing wrong with that!

Yes, being disappointed when you don't see your post on the first page might have something to do with lack of self validation but it also is a very normal feeling! We like, look for, seek validation from others. That's what keeps us interacting with others instead of just contemplating our belly button! We are not in this world for other people; do you think you should just validate others and only self-validate yourself? Think of it positively; you are aware of what you enjoy and like; many people are not.

Why do you think singers, actors/actresses, etc. do what they do? They are no one without an audience. Why do you think you and I post so much? We enjoy the feedback, the validation, the interaction! It is not a bad thing.

You do self-validate; you think yourself worth posting all the time, sharing your problems and asking for others' opinions and help. Think of the people who do not think themselves worth other people's time and effort, those who are afraid to post?

We are never all one way or all another. There is much more depth to us than that. It is the depths we seek, that is the "whole" of us and you will understand and feel that eventually I think; you certainly seem to be working hard and well at it!

[Wren_]

(((Rainbow))) I think it's a hard one; because one way to work on it is by not getting or seeking validation as much ... but are you really in a place where that is a good idea right now or is it better to keep working on what you are already doing which is a lot and tackling this later? Maybe for now instead of wanting to reduce this need; you need to know it's ok and that it's ok to know you can have it?

[Sannah]

All feelings pass when we feel them. The stored ones stay around forever until we express them but once we express them they pass.

Maybe this need to hold onto these things needs to be explored more? What need are these experiences filling?

[granite1]

rain i'm not turned off by your posts at all and read every one.i completely understand the need to hold on to the good feelings a session may bring.it is so frustrating when it goes away and or if you start to turn it all into something bad.it seems to happen automatically for me a lot.i know for me it helps unbelieveably when i am reminded or it is pointed out that this is hapening.wanting to hold on to good feelings isnt a bad thing.and it is sad when they pass

[rainbow8]

I haven't replied because I feel ashamed of that part. Then I think of my T telling me to accept all of my parts and to be curious about them.

Perna: Thank you! I have to read and reread your post so I can take it in. I haven't made clear how my mood just plummeted all because my thread "disappeared". It's not about my feelings disappearing I don't think. It's more about keeping my experience real, needing others to notice me. It's about erroneously believing others don't see me anymore. It's about needing to have others say "yes, I understand how that was for you."

The trouble is, only my T and I were there, so how can anyone else understand? I want to write it so others can picture it the same as I can. I'm a writer but your'e right, I always wanted to be an actress! I so much identified with Sally Field when she said in her acceptance speech years ago "You like me. You really like me!" I'm getting goose bumps thinking about that. I think I cried when she said that.

I'm glad you think it's "not a bad thing to post so much". It's a compulsion for me but I need to keep getting my fix, either by helping others or helping myself. I don't want people to think I'm selfish.

I have to go somewhere so will continue later.

[rainbow8]

tigergirl: Thank you. I like your idea. I am where I am, and I'm working hard. I agree! It bothers me, though. I overreact to not getting what I want. I get disappointed too easily when I don't get all the attention, like here on the forum. But when I do get the attention, I feel I don't deserve it.

Sannah: I'm not sure what my need is. There's more than one. I don't WANT the feelings to pass. I want the good feelings forever. I want to press replay of my session, posting here, and getting replies. It's a huge need and I can't explain it quite the way I feel it.

granite: thank you. Yes, I want to hold on to the good feelings so as not to think they didn't really happen! I want to savor them, write about them, think about them, which is okay. It's getting others involved that's the problem. I can't drag others into MY life like that. It's selfish. No one wants to do that. I'm not sure what I mean.

[unaluna]

hope i'm not out of line in saying this (which means I already am, right?) but when you (rain8) responded to granite's post yeaterday about her t calling again, and you said, "NOW do you believe she cares for you?" - I thought a) umm, that's not really supportive, is it? it's like you're telling granite how to feel b) but rain would not be UNsupportive on purpose, so c) maybe that question is really rain's issue. Because it just sounded "off" a little, ya know? Like a grammar mistake or something. Anyway, so you ARE saying here, with the Sally Field quote, that it IS your issue - you're not sure if mommy liked you? Because yesterday T was surely representing granite's mommy. So NOW do you believe she cares for you? SOMETHING inside you says, no. I truly wonder why, why it's so elusive. Well, you talk about the Trudy whatsername books. The thing that struck me about those, and I have read them all, no surprise, eh? is that the child always wants to return to the mother, no matter how badly he's been neglected or abused. always.

that's why I chose my particular T. his mother died when he was six. I read this in a local magazine before I started with him, in an interview of several T's. He was described as a "hail fellow well-met". I wondered how a person who had suffered such a tragedy could go on to live a happy, successful life. I also needed him to tell me that he would NOT have traded mothers with me, my situation for his; to tell me that my pain was valid. I'm still not sure what your magic question is.

[ECHOES]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I don't want to hijack rainbow_rose's thread about holding on to the good feelings. I seem to need so much validation for my feelings about my session. I can't just tell myself "it was great" and be glad. I have to hear it from others, and that is frustrating because it's never enough.

I have to work on this problem more in therapy. I have what seems like an insatiable need to be praised because I don't value my self. This has come up over and over for me in various ways. It came up just now when I saw my thread wasn't on page 1. I'm going to write up my feelings on my tracking log because this has been a trigger for me before.

So, this is about wanting my therapy experiences to be acknowledged over and over, holding on to the good feelings without needing other people to validate them. It's about finding the middle ground, being comfortable with what I get, not being so demanding because that turns people off.

My T will say to be curious about this part. I think I've worked with her many times. It's really about validating myself and knowing that I'm valuable and not needing everyone to tell me.

Rainbow, I think you are working on internalizing self-validation and in the meantime, you like to be validated from others.
Like a child learns, with her parents praise

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

Sannah: I'm not sure what my need is. There's more than one. I don't WANT the feelings to pass. I want the good feelings forever. I want to press replay of my session, posting here, and getting replies. It's a huge need and I can't explain it quite the way I feel it.

When I was depressed, I thought I would be sad continuously and forever.
So naturally I thought of happiness in the same terms. (Other people's happiness, of course.)

Eventually, my T persuaded me that happiness is often interrupted and always fades. That was a hard lesson, but after that I wasn't disappointed in happiness any more. I didn't think my occasional happiness was inferior or defective.

My goal was to be reasonably happy most of the time (in good weather!), without having done anything special to deserve it. And that's what I've got now.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I so much identified with Sally Field when she said in her acceptance speech years ago "You like me. You really like me!" I'm getting goose bumps thinking about that. I think I cried when she said that.

Maybe it's about self worth then?

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I seem to need so much validation for my feelings about my session. I can't just tell myself "it was great" and be glad. I have to hear it from others, and that is frustrating because it's never enough.

I have to work on this problem more in therapy. I have what seems like an insatiable need to be praised because I don't value my self.

It's really about validating myself and knowing that I'm valuable and not needing everyone to tell me.

This is ME! Yes, it is really what I do. I can't tell myself, "Hey you did a great job on this or that!" Part of me may feel great that I was a success, but there is also that part that keeps yelling, "You made a fool of yourself. Nobody likes you. You can't do anything right."

I admire your courage to be so honest in here. It takes a lot of courage to say what you said in this thread.

[unaluna]

I remember telling my current T when I first started with him, that I wanted my "default state" to be happy. He was like, well nobody's happy all the time, you have bills, you have work, you have car problems, you have this, you have that - I was like, yeah, but you can DEAL with that stuff, those are just annoyances? I just don't want to wake up feeling horrible and sad and struggling every day - I want my baseline mood NOT to be dread. I think we finally got there. It's set a little higher than low-low-low, anyway. all I have to do is stay away from my entire family, that's all. that's all. kinda sux, but the alternative is worse. but that's the role they put me in, for whatever reasons - ignorance, envy, prejudice, chauvinism, other of the 7 deadly sins. Oh well. but we're happy now, right? getting there.

[rainbow8]

hankster: I'm a little confused by your post--the first one about what I said to granite. I sincerely meant that I hoped that granite would believe that her T cares. I didn't mean it any other way. Here I go again, about my mother. She liked me, in fact, loved me, and did not neglect me. My experience was not yours. The Sally Field quote was about others liking me--my peers, not my parents. So, I still don't know what the magic ingredient was that I missed. Is that what you mean? I'll never know. I think I have to live with the not-knowing, but knowing that I need a lot of love and attention, for whatever reasons.

I couldn't for the life of me think what the Trudy books were at first! Oh, Torey Hayden!! You've read them. Yes, it's true that we all want our mothers. Wasn't it monkeys that went back to the wired monkey "mother" even if they got a shock, or something like that?

ECHOES: That makes sense.

CantExplain: I'm glad you're reasonably happy now! What about in bad weather!?

Sannah: Maybe it's about self-worth. I think it's about being appreciated by others.

Squiggle: Thank you! I thought of not posting this thread but then I thought: what have I got to lose? Life is short; I may as well risk it.

hankster: I'm glad you're waking up feeling better. I'm sorry you have to stay away from your family but if that's what it takes, then that's what you have to do.

[CantExplain]

Bad weather still brings me down,and I'm annoyed that my T doesn't seem to believe me.

But I've worked out the intermediate step:

BAD WEATHER -> NO EXCERCISE -> FEELING BLUE

I need to attack the first arrow and find a bad weather exercise.