[CantExplain]

Hi gang!

When I started with T, she wouldn't tell me anything at all about herself, not even that she was married.

The theory goes that T needs to be a blank slate, so she can assume whatever role I cast her in. Knowing that she was married might make it more difficult for me to see her as a lover, for instance.

Over the years, she has disclosed bits and pieces, and in some ways I know her quite well.

Does this impair her usefulness as a therapist? Of course not!

So why make such a secret of herself? Does the blank slate really matter?

Her outside life bears no importance. Its can she share her care and understanding with you and help you make sesne of you and your life that matters. If mattering is what we're talking about.

Since when does a woman being married stop men from viewing her as a potential lover?!

I don't get the blank slate thing, either. I think I know enough about my therapist to see her as a person, I don't believe I've cast her in any role. Works for me. Maybe it depends on the model of therapy the T prefers to use, or maybe it depends on the client, but for me, I would rather think that my T is an authentic representation of herself than someone I've created! Like my sense of reality isn't messed up enough?!

I don't think that the T self disclosing basic information in the course of conversation impairs their usefulness as a T, at all -- at least in my opinion and in my case! (You know, where relevant -- we're not paying to hear THEIR life story... although... that WOULD be fascinating I'm sure

I think different clients need different things. Some really don't want to know any details about their T's for some reason. I don't really get that, but I know some here have expressed that view.

Personally, that whole blank slate thing would be completely impersonal and cold. That's just not the way I work. I appreciate a bit of background, and when my T's share a few things here and there about their lives, that shows their humanness. My T has pictures of his family all around his office, lots of them (he a a big family). He shares anecdotes about his life in the course of discussing my issues, sometimes funny, sometimes sad, usually really informative and helpful in my own situation. I appreciate that and wouldn't have it any other way. I've never found it distracting or off topic, and he doesn't tell me these things to somehow get me to listen to his problems (that would certainly not be appropriate).

[healed84]

I don't get the blank slate thing either, but I wonder if it depends on the type of thearpy that each T is used to using or patient is wanting. I now for me, I like the small personal things... makes him feel more real to me. Like, he can identify with me to some extent. I don't know a whole lot about my T, but we have only had 4 sessions together. However, he has used bits and peices of his life to help identify with me and I like that.

[granite1]

i don't really know much at all about my T i don't know if she is married or has any kids or anything although i do know Ware she lives but that is it.i don't think it bothers me much at all.i may be one of these people who doesn't want much information.like if i knew that she has never had any kids i may feel like she would never have any idea what it is like to be a mother of a 20 year old boy.etc...

i have also been on the other end of this situation .i have been very close to a few T i have had in the past and it was hugely problematic.when i was in one of the residential treatment programs i had a t that crossed a lot of boundaries and i think got herself in trouble do to it.i also ended up living with my councilor when i was in high school and that didn't have a good outcome either.in fact she was the one who had me committed to residential treatment.

[stopdog]

I think total blank slate would piss me off just as a concept because it seems like they are messing with or tricking the client, but I actually do not have an urge to know anything much about any of ts I have seen. Sometimes I think - "I do hope you (therapist) are more normal at home than that just was"

Because it is a "real" relationship, I think therapists naturally disclose more over time as they become comfortable with clients, for the same reasons that most of us don't spill all our secrets on the first session.

I'm sure T's do some "testing" when self disclosing, watching for a reaction that suggests whether it's positive or negative for the client. Self disclosure is one way to connect with people, it can increase intimacy, it can make clients feel heard and understood.

I think it does all those things for me in therapy. My T, compared to my other T's (at least one was pretty committed to the blank slate) tells me a lot about his life and himself. I identify with the way that Chris described her T. But I never feel like he is making it about him, although I do sometimes wonder briefly if he should give so much of himself away. It feels very generous to me, and he's been generous in other ways by repeatedly telling me that I can call him outside sessions (and being available when I do), coming in from his "staycation" to meet with me, meeting at a time earlier than he would prefer, etc etc.

Anne

[Sannah]

I learned that the only stuff that should be disclosed is stuff that is helpful for the client. It has to meet that test first. This keeps the focus on the client.

I agree with Sannah. I like my T a lot. I know a little about my T, but not too much. She's mentioned her marriage problems very briefly a time or two- but only as it directly relates to mine. 50 minutes once a week isn't very long and it's the only time I have all week to address my flashbacks, my nightmares, my relationship problems. If we spent more than a minute or two on her issues, I would feel like I should be getting paid. I don't need her to be a blank slate, but I do need that short time out of the rest of my life to just focus on myself. That's what therapy is, I think.

[mcl6136]

I find the blank slate to be absolutely horrible. I rely a lot on building rapport and if I cannot do this...I cannot open up.

[Perna]

Initially, we do not know the other person and we go to therapy to learn about ourselves. So, if the other person discloses about themselves at that time, the "space" for us to work in gets smaller because we instantly have opinions and feelings about the other person that can get in our way of talking about us.

If I am married and my therapist tells me she is in a lesbian relationship, that is going to color my talking about my marriage. True, my own head is going to color talking about my marriage; I can imagine my therapist seems married or a lesbian but if I don't know that information, what I imagine also is about me and is very clearly about me because my therapist has not confirmed or denied that information so it all has to be coming from me. That I would imagine her married, when she is a lesbian, "adds to" my therapy, which is about me. If she just tells me she's lesbian, I'm not going to imagine so my unconscious and what's going on with me will be "stunted".

Yes, after we get in a working relationship and discuss ourselves a bit then some of our background and where we're coming is "out there" and the imagination portion is not needed anymore.

I spent 7+ years imagining my T wasn't very good with computers and electronics, wasn't "mechanical", something I am very good at and I felt kind of condescending toward her. At some point in year seven or eight I commented on that and we discussed it; it turns out she's actually very good and it is just too bad we did not know to discuss my assumptions earlier. But as we go along in therapy we learn to bring up our assumptions and that's a wonderful lesson (and just bringing them up, "I feel like you are not very mechanical") is the important part, not whether T is or is not. But if we had started with T saying, "I'm usually very good with mechanical things" I would try to "agree" with that since it is her talking about herself and that would dampen how I observe and jump to conclusions, something I wanted very much to learn not to do.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by just_some_girl

I don't get the blank slate thing, either. I think I know enough about my therapist to see her as a person, I don't believe I've cast her in any role. Works for me. Maybe it depends on the model of therapy the T prefers to use, or maybe it depends on the client, but for me, I would rather think that my T is an authentic representation of herself than someone I've created! Like my sense of reality isn't messed up enough?!

It's nice to know I'm not alone in this!

I spent quite a lot of time trying to find out something - anything! - about her. I feel that time was wasted. I didn't really need the annoyance, either.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by healed84

I know for me, I like the small personal things... makes him feel more real to me. Like, he can identify with me to some extent.

I once told my T she was "a machine for dispensing therapy."

That was rude and hurtful of me, and I'm sorry for it now.

But she had deliberately withheld any clues to her identity and that made me mad! I suppose these days I would call it a trigger.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by Sannah

I learned that the only stuff that should be disclosed is stuff that is helpful for the client. It has to meet that test first. This keeps the focus on the client.

Suppose the patient asks , eg are you married?

As I recall, I asked a variety of questions in a conversational way, but eventually it dawned on me that I wasn't getting any answers.

After that, I felt triggered and it became a battle of wills.

(Personal insight: Is that what was really going on between me and Bad Facilitator? Is it really that simple? Do all my close relationships with authority figures become battles of will after a year? Why does it take me a year to wind myself up to that point?)

[Chopin99]

I don't get the blank slate theory. T told me yesterday she is "clinical" with some clients and "open" with others. She is "open" with me and that is the only reason I have opened up at all. If she were clinical, I would already be done with her.

[stopdog]

One of those therapist guys who writes books - it may be Yolam - wrote in a critical way about a client who did not ask him anything personal. It seemed to offend the therapist that the the client was not more curious about him.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by Perna

But as we go along in therapy we learn to bring up our assumptions and that's a wonderful lesson (and just bringing them up, "I feel like you are not very mechanical") is the important part, not whether T is or is not.

What I'm hearing is: the blank slate serves to expose our assumptions, and dare I say it, prejudices.

[shoez]

I dont want to know anything at all about my T's personal life, if it were up to me, Ide rather just think she sits in that chair all day. I dont want to know anything, it freaks me out.

Why? I sometimes think if I find out something about her I may feel I am responsible to make her happy or what not... which I do already but it might make things worse.
I dont wana know anything.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

Suppose the patient asks , eg are you married?

Yup, even if they ask. Disclosing needs to have therapeutic value.

Originally Posted by CantExplain

What I'm hearing is: the blank slate serves to expose our assumptions, and dare I say it, prejudices.

And this sounds very productive!

[pbutton]

Mine once showed me a picture of his kids. It felt so weird and random. And awkward because I didn't feel like I could ask the usual questions - their names, ages etc. I just sort of stood there and stared and didn't know what to do. I did hope that he didn't show those pictures to all of the crazy people who come in his office. I want to know that he protects his kids better than that.

Now that I have written that out, it looks like I should probably mention that to him at some point.

[vanessaG]

I could not deal with a blank slate. I need to know who I'm spilling my life to! Obviously I'll never know him on a friendship closeness level, but he's told me a lil about his kids, his divorce and how she's rippin him a new one for $$ lol. And where he likes to shop since we both love shopping. Just little things here & there that over time add up.
I'm also on his Facebook and asked him and he said some, not all are on his Facebook. He told me he doesn't see a problem with it cause patients can see certain pics of him and his family and he can see his patients. He never adds them though, only if they add him.

[healed84]

Originally Posted by stopdog

One of those therapist guys who writes books - it may be Yolam - wrote in a critical way about a client who did not ask him anything personal. It seemed to offend the therapist that the the client was not more curious about him.

That is interesting... On one had it makes me feel bad b/c I don't think I have asked my T many questions about personal things. Of course we have only had 4 appointments, so I am still feeling out what I feel is apropriate and feeling him out. However, on the other hand.. the person is going in to get help, and they may not want the personal stuff.. they just want to get help with their problem and that should be okay for the T, I think. Now, if the thearpy lasts for a good amout of time I could see how the T would be bothered by it.

[Sannah]

I just remembered a good reason for this rule on disclosure - boundaries! A therapist has many clients and has to listen to some sad stories. In order to do this there has to be good self care. Boundaries are part of that self care. Also, one of the best tools that a therapist has is himself and how he interacts with the clients. He has to put himself out there to interact and connect. The therapist just has to stay "packaged" you know.

Originally Posted by stopdog

One of those therapist guys who writes books - it may be Yolam - wrote in a critical way about a client who did not ask him anything personal. It seemed to offend the therapist that the the client was not more curious about him.

Yikes. It bothers me that my T might think that I'm not interested or curious about her life, because I never ask anything personal, and that it might offend her -- when actually there are things I'd love to ask her about her life, (nothing scary, just typical conversational things that you'd naturally ask when getting to know someone,) but I worry that she wouldn't want to reveal that information and that I'd be overstepping a boundary and get 'told off'! Now I don't know whether I'm more worried about offending her with my 'lack of interest' or of asking something and hitting a wall!