Regrets

I'm seeing my T in a hour and a half. I wont see her again for another two months. There is a chance I will never see her again - a slight chance, but one I can't ignore.

My biggest regret with my mother is that I let her die withour saying I loved her.

Last year I did some excellent work preparing for the possibility she [my T] might die. I told her how I felt about her, and I thought I'd covered everything of importance. I was at peace. Nothing to regret.

Recently I've been running a thread here about the "blank slate" and how angry I used to be and the power struggles that arose from that. I thought it was all in the past.

But it isn't. The blank slate still haunts me today. If T were to die I could say I loved her and I told her so. But I never knew her.

And I never will.

it really bothers me too. My current T will not say anything about personal things, and it gets in the way, as far as I'm concerned. I have tried to discover whether T has ever done any creative artistic work (besides cooking, which we can agree can be artistic, but that's not what I mean.). I want to try to deal with my artistic issues in therapy, but not knowing whether T has any clue what I mean is hard.... And I'm not even thinking of issues like letting go, or passing on, and it's BIG for me!

Never knowing T is hard for me. Drawing close to a blank slate just feels like a really big waste of my energy at this point. But then, I've been feeling pessimistic about therapy for a while now and have thought about moving in another direction, so hopefully some more optimistic people will chime in....

Sorry to be Debbie Downer here....I can sure relate...you are not alone, anyway!

Most I can do is offer hugs!

I'm sorry if you already posted this elsewhere, but why won't you see your T for 2 months, and why maybe not ever? That's so sad. I understand how you feel about never knowing her, but haven't you gotten to know her somewhat by being with her for some time? I forgot how long you've been seeing her. You may not know details about her, but I don't think anyone we see so often is truly a blank slate. Don't you know her "essence", for lack of a better word? I bet you know her better than you think you do.

Maybe you left already, but if there's a chance to say "I love you" and you'll regret not saying it, I think you should say it.

I hope your session goes all right.

Let's just say it's medical.

I tell her every time! And I don't have any doubt that she loves me.

Highlights in no particular order.

WARNING: Freudian stuff.

I recapped the work I did last year on preparing for her death. We agreed it was some of my finest work. But my pain now and my future regret is that I don't know her.

We talked about how I sometimes prefer to listen with my eyes closed. We agreed that I sometimes feel more connected that way. I got a sudden mini-fantasy which I shared with her: when my eyes are closed, she's naked. I can't see her naked, but I "know" she is.

I told her that I don't know anything about her, and that hurts. What would I ask? I asked her, "what's important to you?"
T: Love
And that's all the answer I got. I pressed her a bit, saying, "You wouldn't be satisfied with that if you asked me! You'd want to know what kind of love and from whom."

I mentioned the blank slate. "We've filed the edges off and punched a few holes through it, but it's still there and I still hate it."

We talked about how I was when I first met her: angry, scared, hateful, feeling rejected by the world and rejecting the world in turn. I scarcely knew what love looked like.

She said I often come in with an agenda, and I demand the agenda be followed. She suggested that I have an agenda about love: if love isn't shown in the way I want, I don't feel it. This stopped me feeling my mother's love.
Well I do often have an agenda. We agreed that my agenda today was to find out more about her. I kept coming back to it and she kept deflecting me. [In retrospect: Why does T reflexly oppose my agenda? My agenda for the day was fairly sound, I thought.]

She put a clever spin on my wanting to know more about her. She suggested that "really" I just wanted to see her naked but I had intellectualised it into a desire for knowledge. [In retrospect: Very clever, Ms T. But what about the other way? That it really is a desire for knowledge and you have Freudianised it into something sexual.]
"Would you like to see me naked?" I don't allow myself to want that. "Why not?" Because it's naughty to want to see your mother naked. [In retrospect: And because I object to being a Freudian cliche.]

I told her that sometimes she looks very young, yet I'd never seen her younger than fifteen. "Maybe you don't know what younger-than-fiteen looks like. You're not very in touch with yourself pre-teen." I think she's got me there. I don't like showing my inner child, not even to her. I'll let my wife see it but no one else. [In retrospect: Maybe if you treated me more gently, my inner child might feel safe enough to come out.]

We talked about the clash of wills and how I generally enjoyed it.

"Well, what do you know about me right now?" I said I knew she was a strong-willed woman with her own agenda.

I repeated an early metaphor: she was an inactive volcano. There was great warmth inside her but there was no way to reach it.

[In retrospect: The unspoken question was, "Isn't loving and being loved enough? Do you have to know me too?" Yes I do.]

I told her how I saved the day at work, without criticising or humiliating anyone. I really am the best at what I do, and I've always known that. And it matters to me because it was a way to feel good about myself that my mother didn't spoil.

I told her another mini-fantasy. I'm showing a picture of her to a friend.
Me: This is the woman who saved my life.
Him: Yeah? What was she like?
Me: I don't know!

getting to know someone takes willingness on both sides. not everyone whom i would have like to have known wanted the same thing, so we went different ways.

so wise!

I am displeased to find my T unwilling, especially after I had told her how important it was.

I sat down with my wife at the kitchen table and went throuhg my notes. She made the following contributions:

1. Are you upset because you don't know your T or because you are not allowed to know? I am sad that I don't know and angry that she won't tell me.

2. Do you value what T tells you over what you can observe directly? Yes.

3. Any idea why that might be? I distrust implicit knowledge. I can only guess what she is feeling and it would be more reliable if she would tell me. I am also uncomfortable with ideas that haven't been put into words.

4. If you observed something and asked for confirmation, would you get it. Probably.

5. Maybe you should write down what you do know. It might be more than you think. Good idea!

Your wife sounds very nice. She made some wise comments to you. I especially agree that you know more about your T than you think and that it would be a good idea to write it all down.

I'm sorry that your T wouldn't tell you more, though. I know I would be angry about that too. Maybe she wouldn't have been as effective as a T if she had been different. She sounds like a strong person. I can't imagine working on preparing for my T's death though I worry about it all the time. There are no guarantees in life for anyone, healthy or not.

What does "knowing your T" mean to you? What would you have liked to know? Can you write out a questionaire and then see if it's what you really wished to know?

I never told my mother that I loved her before she died either, and I regret it too. I sort of told my T that I love her, but not totally directly.

She says so.

She's the strongest person I ever met. God forbid I should ever meet anyone stronger!

I understand the need to 'know' your T. I am a little sneaky that way. I will ask loaded questions. I will also say things like "I need to know you are human, tell me something that shows me that - a weakness, a challenge for you". If I plan to ask a personal question, I am ready for his "OK, but before I answer that I'm wondering why you would like to know". I will ask what kind of music he likes, his attitudes on things, how he treats his wife. But I will wait for the perfect context to ask. There is always a valid reason for me asking. It is usually an issue of trust or 'are we on the same page?'. I guess that's why he answers. I think I have a pretty good idea who he is now.

Does the unknown scare you CExplain? Do you need to dominate to feel comfortable and safe?

As an Aspergic, I do like to be in control and out-of-control is not comfortable or safe. However, I don't think that is the issue here. I'm sad and angry but I'm not frightened.

Freudians sometimes talk about "the child banging on its parents' bedroom door" [note correct use of apostrophe!] - an image I found triggering when I first heard it in Group. I think this is a useful metaphor. Something to take up with T when she gets back.

My two cents .... I like who I thought T was, the longer I see her the more I realize that if she were to share the real her with me, I may not like her at all, so I plan on letting sleeping dogs lie. There is no way she's everything I have made her to be... I know that now.

I don't think I'm asking for her secrets. Though it is difficult to say exactly what I do want to know.

I feel your pain CantExplain ... All I'm saying is in my limited experience... Sometimes when you don't know what your looking for and you continue to search you may stumble on something you never expected or wanted to know. I hope you find what your looking for.

You speak from personal experience?

Yes, I wanted to know more ... I got more, more then I bargained for and it changed my entire outlook on T and not for the better.
I prefer the her I had created in my mind... Trouble is once its out there , it's out there. T's are people too ... It puts me in the mind set of Santa and Christmas. As children we believe and it's magical but when we find out the truth... Christmas changes forever. Or when I was a kid I thought teacher slept at school and then you see them stuffin their kids around Walmart , wearing sweat pants, hair in a pony no make up and you realize... They are just like you.

I'm very careful with my questions...for this reason. "Don't ask what you might not like the answer to" is kind of what I go by. Although I've had to ask a few questions that were pertinent to 'trust' and fortunately received the right answers.

Thanks everyone, especially Lola.

I'm going to raise the "blank slate" with T again, but it's not bothering me at the moment.

My T gave me some appointments for the end of March, and somehow that give me comfort that she will be back and everything will be all right.

And T is right: I have seen her "younger than fifteen". There have been moments when she has been very relaxed and playful, with her head tilted almost horizontal and grinning like a Cheshire cat. How old is that posture? Preschool, I think.

Something's lost and something's gained. Being able to "live in the real world" is one of the aims of therapy.

T might suggest that Santa is a fine fantasy so long as you know he's not real. A healthy mind can accept reality and still fantasize freely.

Or am I wrong about that?

Wrong??? No.... And I'm not qualified to address questions concerning a health mind...LOL not yet anyway