How to journal the deep stuff

Okay, I will admit that I do not like to disclose the times when I am out of control with my t except in past tense after I am calm. My t wants me to journal at the times that I am processing my emotions. Truthfully, I do, but I record my entries on the computer, so I can go back and edit. I remember seeing other posters discuss this, and I wonder how you feel after you expose your t to the crazy times. I already feel so vulnerable with my t, and I don't know how much more I can put out there.
I'd like to hear the good and the bad with this.
Bluemountains

Just curious, is she wanting you to journal for your own sake or is she wanting you to journal to share with her?

I keep wanting to journal, make false starts and somehow "forget" (that fear getting in the way again)... but my T only asked about it in reference to it as a tool that might help not as something he wanted to see ever

EVERY time I get triggered or out of control I end up emailing my T in the middle of those crazy emotions. Sometimes multiple times. It's my way of journaling, instead it's fast tracked directly to him. I don't allow myself time to edit. I WANT him to see the unedited way I am processing things wrong. I used to feel HORRIFIED, VULNERABLE, SCARED and sometimes PANIC... after I sent these emails, but not anymore. Well most of the time. I have sent him pretty off the wall stuff. I doubt he is even fazed anymore. He does require I say I am okay at the end, if it's really bad. And I am supposed to say something positive at the end of my emails. Sometimes I don't do either. Ooops I usually send him email after I get grounded telling him to ignore all my prior emails. I'm sure he expects it coming now.

My one suggestion would be to journal by hand instead of on the computer when you are writing about such intense moments. The tactile/motor stimulus really does have a strong effect AND you will leave your journalling unedited that way. Editing your journalling has a tendency to neutralize your initial thoughts and feelings. Don't be afraid to keep your writing "real".

I also email my T right in the middle of my worst feelings, usually right after my session. I don't censor. I usually calm down by the next day and write a more sensible email. Since she doesn't answer any of my emails, it's really a way of journaling my intense emotions. So, I see it as processing my emotions through writing to my T. We don't discuss what I emailed unless I bring it up.

My T wants me to share more with her instead of getting my explanations later. She knows I am holding back, which I know I am, and I my take is she believes I am ready to get it all out there so that I am able to handle my illness in positive ways. She knows I am not telling her everything that is going on, which I am not, and I think she is trying to nudge me in a positive direction. It is just so hard for someone like me, who has never shared everything with anyone, including my husband, and I am 50 years old, married for almost 25 years, so I am good at keeping my own secrets.
Bluemountains

rainbow and lostmyway, I may have to ask about emailing immediately because otherwise I will not share.
Farmergirl, you have probably figured out that I do not write in my journal by hand on purpose because I want to edit. I used to write by hand, and on the parts that I didn't want to share I would write so sloppy that it was illegible.
This request is a tough one for me because I lose more control, not a bad thing, but a tough thing.
Thanks,
Bluemountains

I have to warn you. I often wish there was a "take back" button next to inbox.

Yes, I figured as much. Losing a little control may be just what you need when it comes to journalling. Try it. It's okay if it's messy. Heck, my T gives me a hard time about my journal because I write incredibly neatly (a hazard of education classes where I was forced to print very precisely). He says a journal should be messy -- doodles and drawings and writing outside the lines. I personally can't go there, but I have learned not to edit my journals. It's a start.

This is exactly what I do. Except T emails back sometimes, and he WILL bring up some emails if something is concerning him. But often I forget what I had said and hide in my jacket.

I have to laugh at your education classes line-I teach, too, but I don't think I ever had that certain instructor or class that required neat handwriting, thank goodness The way I teach my students to write in cursive is to challenge them to write neater than me (not a tough assignment!) I'm a doodler, quoter, scribbler, etc. outside of the lines kind of journaler.
If in a bad mood, I might type the word "hate" over an entire page using different fonts, languages, etc., so you can see why I prefer to get rid of these.
Thanks for the input!

I'm meant to write it on my dairy card then show her next session. and most of the time when I'm spinning out I call her because that's what she wants me to do. she hasn't actually seen me at my worst, only a few people (old T and 2 psych nurses I trust) have and even then it's only when I absolutely cannot keep it together. most of the time I hide what's going on.

I'm not aloud to email my T because she says she doesn't check it often enough so if I'm in crisis she won't respond fast enough. I guess what she means if I am telling her I'm unsafe or that I'm going to end it she wants me to do it over the phone so she can calm me down and stop me.

good luck opening up!

Thank you for this thread, I really needed to see it.

LMW and Bluemountains - and others who send/show T journal entries written while one is triggered or processing emotions -

about not editing.......... what if the reaction you are going through at the moment, and journaling about, is intense negativity toward the T? Isn't this a danger that the T relationship will be adversely impacted (perhaps permanently)?

IMO, client feelings of hostility are all part of the scene (like transference feelings, not "real" in the usual sense), but Ts are people too, and I fear ... not being honest, but being THAT honest. what do you think?

There are times I flipped out and told him how much I hated him for no good reason other than I was triggered. The best example was when I saw him on tv with another client. Talk about angry and irrational. He has NEVER held any of my emails against me. That doesn't stop me from apologizing like crazy when ive calmed down. I always get the "no worries, I understand" email after

Hi SAWE,
So far, the only complaining I do about therapy is to make a list about things I DON'T want to talk about, which, of course, leads her right into a discussion about why I wouldn't want to discuss these issues. I don't really have problems with my t except for the eye-rolling and sighing I do during therapy. She questions my expressions, so now I am trying to get these in check. Actually, my t is pretty thick-skinned, so I don't think I would hurt our relationship if I journaled negative feelings about her. I thinkthis could lead to healing in some way.
Bluemountains