I've been really struggling since telling my t stuff I've kept hidden all my life. I've never told anyone such disgusting stuff about myself. In the past, I have sometimes told people relatively minor things about myself. Until the last few years, I have NEVER told anyone anything remotely bad or private about myself without it coming back to bite me in the rear. EVERY time I have told a person something private about myself, it was used against me the first time the person became really angry at me. I have three female friends now who have not used anything against me when angry at me, yet. and that is how I think of it -- they haven't turned something I've said against me, YET. So, I'm struggling with the thought that at some point my t will be angry at me about something and point out how vile and disgusting I am, and he is not, and therefore he is right -- or something like that because that's what's always happened.

AND there is that ongoing fear that what I said is so gross that no matter what he says to me, he is secretly disgusted by me and doesn't like me at all. That old old message that the only reason anyone seems to like me is because they don't actually know me keeps echoing in my head. This man KNOWS me, so clearly he cannot like me or love me.

so today at therapy, near the end, I asked my T to sit next to me and talk for a few minutes about how I feel about having told the gross stuff. So he did, and then I DIDN'T WANT him sitting there but didn't feel like I could just go, Ooops! Changed my mind. You're too close. Move back. Jesus he's a lot bigger than me.

anyway, if he didn't like me anymore, or was secretly disgusted, it's not like he'd tell me anyway, right? what was my point in going over that with him? I just feel like such a loser and a big baby. Trying to force him into saying he still likes me and won't use stuff against me even if he gets mad. he SAYS he likes me even more, and SAYS he won't use information against me if he gets angry, but who would admit to stuff like that anyway? ugh. I hate therapy.

[learning1]

I bet that the disgusting stuff isn't really about you, but about what someone else did to you

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by My kids are cool

So he did, and then I DIDN'T WANT him sitting there but didn't feel like I could just go, Ooops! Changed my mind. You're too close. Move back. ... he's a lot bigger than me.

You missed an opportunity to talk about your ambivalence, but that's okay, you have this record of it so you can bring it up again.

but what COULD have been fun and interesting, esp if you're a stick-in-the-mud like me, is DOING that "oops changed my mind! go back!" and a) watching them scamper back and b) seeing what it does to your OWN head - it's kind of trippy, like a hot air balloon released from from its mooring, you don't know what you're going to say next when you DO let yourself just GO with an impulse like this. I wish it would happen more often for me. It's weird, it's not just mental, it's physical. well kinda like food poisoning!

[Chopin99]

I agree with learning; the disgusting stuff doesn't have to do with you, but what was done to you. I'm sure your T loves you regardless!

[SallyBrown]

Sometimes therapy feels like this really evil catch-22 where on one hand, it's supposed to be helpful that a therapist responds without judgment to what we say, but on the other, the very fact that you can't know what they're really thinking makes that almost moot. I sometimes feel like tell my T, I don't CARE if you don't tell me you think I'm awful, I CARE that you might THINK that I'm awful regardless of what you say.

Especially if you come from a background where things constantly looked one way but in reality were very different. Or you got the "They just feel sorry for you" line from a parent.

I told my T a few years ago that the more he knew me, the less he would like me, and that I was afraid of the day when he would finally have had enough.

If I had to think about what helped me with this, I'd say it was a combination of things happening inside and outside therapy. Outside therapy, I had to work on fixing up my marriage, in which saying one thing but meaning another was a real problem on my husband's end. I also had to work on allowing myself to believe that my parents made mistakes, and not everything was my fault.

Inside therapy... it just took time. And it took my T a little time to get that he needed to be REALLY consistent with me because I spot every little anomaly and can't let go until I understand it. For me, I had to try to just trust the part of me that wanted to tell T all this stuff about me... that was really hard. But I also realized I had to give T the chance to prove himself, and that it would be unfair for me to just decide that he couldn't handle it before giving him an opportunity. It's taken a lot of him saying the same thing over and over again, and promising, "I will say it as many times as necessary," for me to feel safe about it.

Also, remember that because he's your T, there's a lot of things he can get away with simply not saying. Whether he likes you. Whether he's disgusted by you. And the things that he really shouldn't say, like whether he wants to ride off into the sunset with you. If he is choosing to say something, he probably really means it.

Originally Posted by SallyBrown

It's taken a lot of him saying the same thing over and over again, and promising, "I will say it as many times as necessary," for me to feel safe about it.

Also, remember that because he's your T, there's a lot of things he can get away with simply not saying. Whether he likes you. Whether he's disgusted by you. And the things that he really shouldn't say, like whether he wants to ride off into the sunset with you. If he is choosing to say something, he probably really means it.

Thanks, Sally and everyone! I keep trying to remember that it isn't something shameful and disgusting about me. It's something disgusting that happened to me. It still doesn't FEEL like that.

The quote above really does apply to my T. He tells me that he doesn't mind repeating himself as many times as I need. He has pointed out that the repetition of the BAD stuff was pretty endless (and also said that to point out my parents never gave me unconditional love was the grossest understatement he had made in a long time).

The part about NOT saying things probably also applies. I REALLY wanted him to just say, "I still love you." Not that he has point blank said he loves me before even. He once said he has "feelings of love" for me. I wanted him to just say it. I cannot ASK him to say it. He told me likes me even more for having shared something so private and difficult. I just don't know what I want or what will help me feel better.

Maybe I should just stop talking about this until things settle down in my life. My dad just died three months ago. My mom gave my sisters antique, expensive vehicles, but made me buy my dad's little dodge truck when I wanted it. My younger sister and her husband stole a bunch of my stuff that dad was keeping for me. Now my father in law, who I'm really, really close to went onto hospice and is only expected to live a few more weeks. Work is going badly. I cannot stand my husband. I'm thinking I have waaaay too much going on in my life to deal with childhood stuff right now.

BUT, here's the weird part, I gave myself a mental deadline of May that I would stay with my husband. If he hasn't made some significant changes by then, I'm going to file for divorce. Once we're apart, there's no way I can afford to go to therapy. So, I NEED to be done with therapy by May. In order to that, I HAVE TO deal with this stuff now. UGH. I'm just too weird. Maybe this is just how I am and I need to deal with it.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by SallyBrown

Also, remember that because he's your T, there's a lot of things he can get away with simply not saying. Whether he likes you. Whether he's disgusted by you. And the things that he really shouldn't say, like whether he wants to ride off into the sunset with you.

Or wants to ride off into the sunset, away from you, and never look back.

Sorry, but that too is something that a T really shouldn't say.

[mcl6136]

Originally Posted by My kids are cool

Thanks, Sally and everyone! I keep trying to remember that it isn't something shameful and disgusting about me. It's something disgusting that happened to me. It still doesn't FEEL like that.

The quote above really does apply to my T. He tells me that he doesn't mind repeating himself as many times as I need. He has pointed out that the repetition of the BAD stuff was pretty endless (and also said that to point out my parents never gave me unconditional love was the grossest understatement he had made in a long time).

The part about NOT saying things probably also applies. I REALLY wanted him to just say, "I still love you." Not that he has point blank said he loves me before even. He once said he has "feelings of love" for me. I wanted him to just say it. I cannot ASK him to say it. He told me likes me even more for having shared something so private and difficult. I just don't know what I want or what will help me feel better.

Maybe I should just stop talking about this until things settle down in my life. My dad just died three months ago. My mom gave my sisters antique, expensive vehicles, but made me buy my dad's little dodge truck when I wanted it. My younger sister and her husband stole a bunch of my stuff that dad was keeping for me. Now my father in law, who I'm really, really close to went onto hospice and is only expected to live a few more weeks. Work is going badly. I cannot stand my husband. I'm thinking I have waaaay too much going on in my life to deal with childhood stuff right now.

BUT, here's the weird part, I gave myself a mental deadline of May that I would stay with my husband. If he hasn't made some significant changes by then, I'm going to file for divorce. Once we're apart, there's no way I can afford to go to therapy. So, I NEED to be done with therapy by May. In order to that, I HAVE TO deal with this stuff now. UGH. I'm just too weird. Maybe this is just how I am and I need to deal with it.

I'm concerned that you're putting yourself under a lot of pressure with your deadline in addition to your work going badly.

Could you give yourself a little bit of a break here?

I'm projecting, I think...I do this a lot..Put myself into a pressure situation.

Hang in there! Things sound challenging, but you also sound pretty clear!

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

Or wants to ride off into the sunset, away from you, and never look back.

Sorry, but that too is something that a T really shouldn't say.

Yeah, that's the one I'm worried about all the time. I'm just going to be toooooooo needy and he'll be like F- this. She's hopeless. He SAYS he likes me, but what if what he's really thinking is something else.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by My kids are cool

Yeah, that's the one I'm worried about all the time. I'm just going to be toooooooo needy and he'll be like F- this. She's hopeless. He SAYS he likes me, but what if what he's really thinking is something else.

this one is easy. If he feels too much counter transference, or otherwise doesn't have good feelings toward you, he will gently suggest that you move to another T. That's apparently the T code.

but now hear this: if that doesn't happen, you should make a real effort to believe that all is well.

[Sannah]

[SallyBrown]

The part about NOT saying things probably also applies. I REALLY wanted him to just say, "I still love you." Not that he has point blank said he loves me before even. He once said he has "feelings of love" for me. I wanted him to just say it. I cannot ASK him to say it. He told me likes me even more for having shared something so private and difficult. I just don't know what I want or what will help me feel better.

Yeah . Short of actually going into his mind and knowing his thoughts and feelings, it's hard to what would help. You might not be able to ask him to tell you he still loves you, but can you convince yourself that before you said all of this stuff, he did love you (it's pretty clear to me that that's the case)? And if so, can you instead ask him, "Have your feelings about me changed since I told you these things?" It's not the same but it's something to hold onto.

Maybe I should just stop talking about this until things settle down in my life. My dad just died three months ago. My mom gave my sisters antique, expensive vehicles, but made me buy my dad's little dodge truck when I wanted it. My younger sister and her husband stole a bunch of my stuff that dad was keeping for me. Now my father in law, who I'm really, really close to went onto hospice and is only expected to live a few more weeks. Work is going badly. I cannot stand my husband. I'm thinking I have waaaay too much going on in my life to deal with childhood stuff right now.

That is all horrible and unfair and way too much. I'm not sure what to say other than .

Thing is, though, a lot of that stuff really is related to the childhood stuff... can you be talking about both at the same time? I mean, to an extent you always are. If the childhood stuff feels too overwhelming you can set it aside, for sure... but when you talk about your family dynamic now, you're also kind of talking about your childhood. And vice versa. I'm sorry it's all a clusterf*** right now.

BUT, here's the weird part, I gave myself a mental deadline of May that I would stay with my husband. If he hasn't made some significant changes by then, I'm going to file for divorce. Once we're apart, there's no way I can afford to go to therapy. So, I NEED to be done with therapy by May. In order to that, I HAVE TO deal with this stuff now.

I'm also really sorry you have this on your plate, too . I do feel a little bit of "go girl!" at the same time, though -- you deserve to be treated with respect! And valued.

Can you tell your T about this, though? He may be able to work something out with you. A couple of years ago, I was at a similar point with my husband... I ended up giving him an ultimatum. Before I did, though, I talked it over with my T. At one point I expressed doubts about it, because without my husband's insurance, I would have to see my T much much less frequently. My T told me, "If that happens, we will think of something. Don't worry about that now." It's not exactly the same, but maybe worrying about being "done" with therapy by May can be at least one thing to take off of your overflowing plate.

UGH. I'm just too weird. Maybe this is just how I am and I need to deal with it.

Nope.

[wintergirl]

Sometimes I read your posts and think to myself, "I could've written this post!"

I have no real helpful advice for you, and I've considered the husband ultimatum as well. I just don't know anyone who got divorced and didn't have any family support at all, and I'm scared. Sometimes I go to T and wish he'd say, "Well, don't worry about all of that. We get along well enough, and your kids seem nice. Let's just get married, and I'll protect you."

Because that's not crazy AT ALL.

Anyway, I'm sorry to add my weird issues to your thread, but you and I are very much in similar places in our lives, and I'm really glad you're here on PC.

[granite1]

i wish i could reach through and be with you as you are going through all this.so much stuff and i have no idea what to say to help make things better.but i do read your posts and completely understand how you are feeling. i doubt many T will say they love you and that can be so hard when you feel so strongly that you need to hear that to be reassured that things are ok.but i bet they are ok with him .and i would definately talk more about this with him.i'm so sorry to hear about your farther in law.i hope he is being kept comfortable.just breathe and try to take it one step at a time you have a lot on your plate

Originally Posted by wintergirl

Sometimes I read your posts and think to myself, "I could've written this post!"

I have no real helpful advice for you, and I've considered the husband ultimatum as well. I just don't know anyone who got divorced and didn't have any family support at all, and I'm scared. Sometimes I go to T and wish he'd say, "Well, don't worry about all of that. We get along well enough, and your kids seem nice. Let's just get married, and I'll protect you."

Because that's not crazy AT ALL.

Anyway, I'm sorry to add my weird issues to your thread, but you and I are very much in similar places in our lives, and I'm really glad you're here on PC.

I wrote a long reply to this, and I'm not sure where it went. Anyway, DON'T be sorry! You did not add weird issues to my thread, and I appreciate knowing I'm not alone. I'm sorry you're in a similar place, but so glad that you're glad I'm on PC! Thank you. I'm glad you're here too. You have brightened my day.

And I totally get the desire for T to say, "Let's just get married, and I'll protect you." I hate to admit that I feel that way, but I do. So, is it crazy when I say it?

Originally Posted by granite1

i wish i could reach through and be with you as you are going through all this.so much stuff and i have no idea what to say to help make things better.but i do read your posts and completely understand how you are feeling. i doubt many T will say they love you and that can be so hard when you feel so strongly that you need to hear that to be reassured that things are ok.but i bet they are ok with him .and i would definately talk more about this with him.i'm so sorry to hear about your farther in law.i hope he is being kept comfortable.just breathe and try to take it one step at a time you have a lot on your plate

Thanks Granite. I appreciate the support. My father in law is pretty comfortable. He's unconscious most of the time, so I think the rest of us are actually suffering a lot more than he is at this point. And when he's awake, he seems comfortable and says he's not in any pain.

Yesterday, he was sleeping comfortably, I thought, but then started frowning. I went over and touched him and asked if he was hurting. He immediately smiled and shook his head NO, but didn't open his eyes. I asked if he was just afraid he was alone and he nodded. I told him, "Well, just to let you know, I've gone all creepy, Stalker Woman on you, and I'm standing around watching you sleep so you're not alone." He started laughing, made an OK symbol with his fingers and went back to sleep. So, someone is with him 24/7, and that seems to be enough to keep him comfortable with what's happening.

[SallyBrown]

Originally Posted by My kids are cool

Thanks Granite. I appreciate the support. My father in law is pretty comfortable. He's unconscious most of the time, so I think the rest of us are actually suffering a lot more than he is at this point. And when he's awake, he seems comfortable and says he's not in any pain.

Yesterday, he was sleeping comfortably, I thought, but then started frowning. I went over and touched him and asked if he was hurting. He immediately smiled and shook his head NO, but didn't open his eyes. I asked if he was just afraid he was alone and he nodded. I told him, "Well, just to let you know, I've gone all creepy, Stalker Woman on you, and I'm standing around watching you sleep so you're not alone." He started laughing, made an OK symbol with his fingers and went back to sleep. So, someone is with him 24/7, and that seems to be enough to keep him comfortable with what's happening.

That is so sweet. I hope he continues to be pain-free and in loving company.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by SallyBrown

Sometimes therapy feels like this really evil catch-22 where on one hand, it's supposed to be helpful that a therapist responds without judgment to what we say, but on the other, the very fact that you can't know what they're really thinking makes that almost moot. I sometimes feel like tell my T, I don't CARE if you don't tell me you think I'm awful, I CARE that you might THINK that I'm awful regardless of what you say.

That's why Ts sometimes break the rules. A T who never breaks the rules is no T, in my opinion.