I shared last night a really long email that I wrote to my ex T for closure (no need to read it, it's very long: http://forums.psychcentral.com/showthread.php?t=215778)
She wrote back by 8am this morning and I truly need some help feeling OK with it. What she writes about deciding to go to once a week in consultation w/ your psychiatrist - someone whom I'd met with about 4 times for meds only - was done 3.5 months after she made the switch, it wasn't done "in consultation with her" initially. She also only encouraged me to get a consultation w/ another therapist - she didn't recommend I leave. In fact, I found an email where she gives me the name/numbers of two other therapists and then says "but my recommendation is to stay w/ me as your therapist." So here it is:

Dear Eastcoaster,

I've been meaning to write you for some time now, and you beat me to it. I am leaving for a trip tomorrow with my dad, so unfortunately, I can't reply to everything you wrote. But I am super glad that you have found a therapist that truly works for you, and it sounds like the feeling is mutual. I am saddened by the fact that you have so many bad feelings about our time together, and even feel that I have hurt you significantly. There are some things that you remember incompletely, or inaccurately, but you do have to go on your perceptions and your memories and your feelings. I want you to keep doing that, and not fear that you will hurt me. You proceed valiantly to be you, fully and powerfully.

Your letter is thoughtful and well-written and I can hear the anger and pain from our relationship. I can also hear the confidence and stability you feel from how you and new Tare working together. Given how strongly you feel about how I hurt you, I wonder whether I should have "made" you transfer to another therapist. Do you remember how I tried? Do you remember how I encouraged you to do just that? But you were leaving soon and you didn't want to start over with someone else. I think we both accepted that. I guess what you are saying is that when you came back from France, after I set the limit on one time a week, which yes, was in consultation with your psychiatrist, that I should have insisted on you transferring. Would that have been the lesser of two evils? I don't know, Eastcoaster. Would you have felt rejected by me? Would you have had enough time to bond with someone new? These are things that weighed heavily on my mind. And all through it was a deep love and caring for you. You have to know that and feel that. Or at least I want you to have felt that. During our "tenure" together, I went to receive additional training to help me with our specific issues that were coming up. I am sorry that it was too late for you and me.

I think it still is easy to see me as the bad person therapist here...both for you and new T. And I would caution both of you in doing that. I can totally see how some of your issues w/ your parents got re-enacted...being seen as too much, for example. I sincerely tried conveying to you my care for you and our relationship by continuing to meet faithfully every week, and with a sincere desire to be consistent to you. I can see how over the course of the 2 + years together, that you experienced the inconsistencies too. We always notice when somebody wasn't there for us...it hurts terribly.

I am proud of you, Eastcoaster. I wish you health and wholeness and you do whatever it is you need to do to heal with new T. Trash me, shake your fists in the air, curse me, cry for what I didn't give you. You will always remember I think that I heard most all of your anger, pain, and frustration. I will try to internalize your words, your thoughts, and your feelings into making me be a better therapist. Please know you are cherished and loved.

I do apologize for not writing after you wrote this summer. I am not defending myself, but ...my mother did pass away this summer and the loss to me and my family has obviously been huge. I cut back on my client load and haven't even yet come back up to full steam. On the bright side, my dad and I are leaving tomorrow for a ski trip together...traveling just the 2 of us will be fun, sad, anxiety-provoking, and joyous!

be well... I wanted to respond back quickly. I hope it somewhat helps.

love,
Ex T

[faith1983]

hummm.. first, I'm glad that she wrote you back. Do you feel like she's being sincere about it? Because I feel it this way but there's no way I could know for sure as I don't know your t...

There are some things that you remember incompletely, or inaccurately, but you do have to go on your perceptions and your memories and your feelings.This made me thought that, hey, if you remember stuff inaccurately, she surely does too. That's being... human being! Everything is perceptions and two different persons will always have two differents perceptions.

How do you feel about everything else that is written in it? I think you could talk to your current t about it, but if the reference thing is bugging you, you could send the email you found telling you that she suggests you staying with her, if you feel you need that to have closure...
I don't know all of your story with ext so take what I say next with cautious (or forget about it if you're not there yet or if it's not useful or don't read it at all): if you feel she's being sincere about what she wrote, you could also tell yourself that she truly wanted to help you but she made mistakes and that her perceptions of what happened is incorrect but it wasn't intend to hurt you...

take care
faith

Originally Posted by faith1983

hummm.. first, I'm glad that she wrote you back. Do you feel like she's being sincere about it? Because I feel it this way but there's no way I could know for sure as I don't know your t...

Yes, I absolutely believe that she is being sincere.

There are some things that you remember incompletely, or inaccurately, but you do have to go on your perceptions and your memories and your feelings.

This made me thought that, hey, if you remember stuff inaccurately, she surely does too. That's being... human being! Everything is perceptions and two different persons will always have two differents perceptions.

That's true... It's just that the big thing about her verifying w/ my psychiatrist about moving to once a week being in my best interest (and here I should add that my psychiatrist is very old school, believed that I should call my T Dr. X) was only done 3.5 months after she decided to make the switch.

How do you feel about everything else that is written in it? I think you could talk to your current t about it, but if the reference thing is bugging you, you could send the email you found telling you that she suggests you staying with her, if you feel you need that to have closure...

I will talk to current T about it - already forwarded to her and will decide whether it's worth it to write back... My parents never believed me about what I said and this hits on that precisely. Other people do (including current T), so this helps...

I don't know all of your story with ext so take what I say next with cautious (or forget about it if you're not there yet or if it's not useful or don't read it at all): if you feel she's being sincere about what she wrote, you could also tell yourself that she truly wanted to help you but she made mistakes and that her perceptions of what happened is incorrect but it wasn't intend to hurt you...

I genuinely believe that she was trying to help, but didn't know how (like my parents). However, I wish that she would have admitted that she was in over her head in terms of training, etc.

take care
faith

Thanks SO MUCH!

I really, really dislike being lied to or about. I sometimes take a long time to respond to posts that involve dishonesty because I don't want to just have a knee jerk reaction to the situation.

I had an issue with a vet who made a series of errors that resulted in the death of one of my horses. I discovered the errors before the horse actually died and had another vet try to save the horse. I spent over two thousand dollars with the other vet trying to save the horse, and the second vet told me that the first vet was totally at fault and if treated promptly and properly, the horse would have lived, and the treatment would have been a few hundred dollars.

After the horse died, the first vet sent me a bill for her services. Those bills did not accurately reflect what happened. Basically, the bills were a CYA for her. I sent back a very detailed letter listing each inaccuracy. I couldn't NOT respond to the inaccuracies.

Whether it's OCD or whatever, when someone sends me a letter like your ex-T sent you, I HAVE to respond. So, in your shoes, eastcoaster, I would have to send back a copy of the e-mail that you saved and detail the inaccuracies. I'm sure you can do it in a nice way; your original letter was very articulate and not mean at all.

Also -- FWIW, I think the thing about her mother dying was just a blatant play for you to go easy on her and not force her into taking responsibility right this minute. Her mother dying had nothing to do with her behavior at the time all this was happening.

[Chopin99]

From her email, it sounds to me like she was genuinely trying to help you, but either didn't know how, made mistakes in doing so, or got too emotionally tied up with you.

I'm glad she wrote you back and in a timely manner. Do you feel any closure receiving this from her?

Originally Posted by My kids are cool

I really, really dislike being lied to or about. I sometimes take a long time to respond to posts that involve dishonesty because I don't want to just have a knee jerk reaction to the situation.

I had an issue with a vet who made a series of errors that resulted in the death of one of my horses. I discovered the errors before the horse actually died and had another vet try to save the horse. I spent over two thousand dollars with the other vet trying to save the horse, and the second vet told me that the first vet was totally at fault and if treated promptly and properly, the horse would have lived, and the treatment would have been a few hundred dollars.

After the horse died, the first vet sent me a bill for her services. Those bills did not accurately reflect what happened. Basically, the bills were a CYA for her. I sent back a very detailed letter listing each inaccuracy. I couldn't NOT respond to the inaccuracies.

Whether it's OCD or whatever, when someone sends me a letter like your ex-T sent you, I HAVE to respond. So, in your shoes, eastcoaster, I would have to send back a copy of the e-mail that you saved and detail the inaccuracies. I'm sure you can do it in a nice way; your original letter was very articulate and not mean at all.

Also -- FWIW, I think the thing about her mother dying was just a blatant play for you to go easy on her and not force her into taking responsibility right this minute. Her mother dying had nothing to do with her behavior at the time all this was happening.

Thanks for your response and sharing your story. I'm very sorry about your horse.

I'm meeting this afternoon w/ current T and will talk about this. I'm just truly not sure if with her she's willing to "get it" or admit responsibility for things that she did (what she wrote was actually better than the past on most accounts). Yes, her adding the thing about her mom dying and how it's affected her is really not so pertinent here - we had a professional relationship and one in which she let down her side.

Originally Posted by Chopin99

From her email, it sounds to me like she was genuinely trying to help you, but either didn't know how, made mistakes in doing so, or got too emotionally tied up with you.

I'm glad she wrote you back and in a timely manner. Do you feel any closure receiving this from her?

Absolutely, you've hit the nail on the head with all that you wrote in the first paragraph -- a combination of these things. She needed to step back and recognize that she *couldn't* be an effective therapist for me.

It was kind of her to write back immediately and I appreciate her emphasizing that she was listening to what I said. I'm not sure about the closure - the fact that she wrote questions seems to me an invitation to respond and unresolved. Yet, I am resolved and felt closure after writing this letter: she did her best, her best hurt me and set me back in my therapy yet she was unable/unwilling to see this, and I've moved on to a therapy relationship that is healing for me - both for past/present family issues and my relationship w/ ex T. She loved me a lot, but as the NIN song says,

Hey, the closer we think we are
Well it only got us so far
Now you got anything left to show
No no I didn't think so
Hey, the sooner we realize
We cover ourselves with lies
But underneath we're not so tough
And love is not enough

[lastyearisblank]

Yes I agree. Her letter is strange. That was pretty moving what she said about feeling love in the letter. But I feel there is a strange tension in the letter between the desire to be forgiven and thought well of, but not necessarily an ability to discuss what went wrong. That might account for some of the inconsistencies in the tone. Yes, I agree, this email might be anticipating a response-- specifically to the facts of who suggested or didn't suggest transferring to a new T. That isn't really the biggest issue, though, is it. It always comes down to trust.

I think it's really empowering that you wrote to her, eastcoaster. It's really impressive that you are able to be open to what she has to say but still hold on to the goal of your own personal growth and make choices from that perspective. I liked your email more than hers btw, I think you showed a lot of class.

Originally Posted by lastyearisblank

I think it's really empowering that you wrote to her, eastcoaster. It's really impressive that you are able to be open to what she has to say but still hold on to the goal of your own personal growth and make choices from that perspective. I liked your email more than hers btw, I think you showed a lot of class.

Wow, thank you so much! (she says with a tear rolling down her cheek). This email confirmed some of what I didn't trust myself to listen to all along. I tend to look for strong women as therapists, ones who can have healthy relationships, know what to do/say in tough spots (and everyday moments) in relationships and learn from them the many basic things that my parents didn't know/were unable to teach me about relationships and human interactions. But, at times I felt like she didn't fit this bill as someone whom I could really learn from in these ways and maybe even wounded I had a better sense of human interactions sometimes...

I did write back last night - kept it short, sweet, and truthful - didn't argue about anything as _I know_ how things went, which is enough (and it didn't hurt that yesterday I had my normally scheduled session w/ current T and she completely believed me).

Dear Ex T,

Thank you for your email and I appreciate your listening to me. I'm very sorry to know about your mom.

I hope that it was clear in my email to you that I knew--and know--that everything you did was with and out of love. I never doubted your love for me. But as the song goes, "sometimes love is not enough"...

I wish you all the best, ex T.

Love,
Eastcoaster

So, not a lot of room to respond and I did know that she loved me, did everything w/ love, but a caution to her--loving a client doesn't suffice or make her a good therapist.

[rainbow8]

That was an excellent response, eastcoaster!

[Chopin99]

Excellent insight and excellent email. You are right, eastcoaster...sometimes love just isn't enough. A T needs skill also.

[zooropa]

wow, I have a lot of thoughts and feelings about her reply. I think I will have to wait and come back later when I can put it into words more coherently. Meanwhile, lots of hugs for you, eastcoaster.