[sjkero]

i just had the most amazing session with my t, and i'm trying to hold onto the feeling. i have a private blog that i created a long time ago but never really used, so i made an impulsive decision when i got home to blog every small detail i remembered of the session. i read in one of these threads that we should hold onto the good stuff so that when the bad stuff (hate towards t) happens, we can think about the good times. so far so good. however, i'm worried the feeling will fade and i'll start questioning whether the session was good at all, or i just imagined it. leave it to me, and my crazy mind, to start re-anaylzing everything, and then decide that the session wasn't special at all, and that i just misperceived the whole thing. i'm already yelling at myself in my head to stop doing that! ack! and i have only been home for an hour! how am i going to hold onto this until next monday? that's a loooooong time!

[lostmyway21]

I am feeling the same way! I had a great session today for the first time in a long time, and I'm trying hard to hold onto the good feelings, and not twist and distort it into something bad. I normally get home and write about it in Dear T thread so I can try and remember how good I felt. Holding on to this feeling has got to be the hardest part of therapy. I wish I could just bottle it up and save it for later sometimes.

[mixedup_emotions]

That's great that you decided to journal every moment....I can relate to questioning things...and inserting my own crazy thoughts, conclusions, etc. I hate that I do that. Why can't I put as much effort into creating crazy GOOD thoughts and GOOD conclusions? *sigh*.....I soooo get it.

I read this just now, and maybe it'll help.....

http://blogs.psychcentral.com/mindfu...tive-thinking/

[sjkero]

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

That's great that you decided to journal every moment....I can relate to questioning things...and inserting my own crazy thoughts, conclusions, etc. I hate that I do that. Why can't I put as much effort into creating crazy GOOD thoughts and GOOD conclusions? *sigh*.....I soooo get it.

I read this just now, and maybe it'll help.....

http://blogs.psychcentral.com/mindfu...tive-thinking/

tonight's the first time i have ever journaled about a session, and i think i am going to keep it up. week after week, i forget everything. i think i need to hold onto the good stuff. and also journal the bad stuff, so i can see patterns maybe? i don't know. this is my first attempt so we'll see how it goes. honestly, i just needed to document what happened tonight, because i know that by this time tomorrow, i'll misperceive everything and think it was a sh*tty session

[rainbow8]

Hey, aren't you going to share a little here? Please don't keep me in suspense. Did you discuss how you feel about her? Was it hard for you? What did she say? I'm happy that it went so well for you!

[sjkero]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

Hey, aren't you going to share a little here? Please don't keep me in suspense. Did you discuss how you feel about her? Was it hard for you? What did she say? I'm happy that it went so well for you!

thanks for this! so much i mean it. it didn't go as planned... it went even better. i went in there with the intention of telling her that i was jealous of her family and other commitments, etc., and wanted her attention (and, if you remember when i wrote you a PM, i secretly already know she has a daughter and it kills me that she never discloses anything), but she jumped right in and asked about my weekend and such and we got off on a tangent. long story short, at one point she asked me if i ever have dreams and i said to her, funny thing, i just had a dream about you. she asked what the dream was and i told her (synopsis: she abandoned me, and quit her therapy practice - it was actually a horrible dream i had last week, and had no intention of telling her). she then asked me what were some of the reasons i thought she would quit, and i mentioned many... one of which was "i don't know if you have kids or not (ahem *cough- lie), but if you did, i'd worry about you wanting to be home with them"... we went on and on talking, and at one point she was like, "to answer your question, yes, i do have a kid - a daughter"... she told me some details and it just made my day more than she will ever know. it was my first insight into the fact that she is willing to self disclose and for some reason that is a HUGE deal for me and just makes me trust her soooo much more so, all in all it was a good session. i see myself opening up more now, just because i have some insight into her life. is that weird????? and now i have a million more questions about her, and for the first time, i'm not scared to ask

[faith1983]

I'm glad you had a great session!! And for the feeling, maybe it will go away, but for now, it's there and i would say to you is.. to sit with it. They told us to try as much as we can to sit with bad feelings, so why not just sit with the good ones too!

Hope you can carry on the feeling as long as you need/want!!

[unaluna]

You know how after somebody likes you, or likes something you like, then you don't want to like it (or them) anymore? Or is that just me? That's what this thread reminded me of at first, and the sitting with the good feelings. Talking to T about the football today, and actually TELLING him how I felt about him texting me last night but I think he understood. We both just sat there with our own feelings. Then after session I texted him that Eli was going to be on Letterman tonite (it was a sweet interview!) and T just texted back, thx for the heads up. I forgot to tell him during session, I even only bought coffee (to session) to stay up tonite, which I don't usually do, and STILL I didn't remember! Was somebody asking about "dopemax" side-effects? Sorry this is so disjointed, I really did have a point!

[pbutton]

Originally Posted by hankster

You know how after somebody likes you then you don't want to like them anymore?

Did I hear someone calling my name?

[pbutton]

Originally Posted by sjkero

however, i'm worried the feeling will fade and i'll start questioning whether the session was good at all, or i just imagined it. leave it to me, and my crazy mind, to start re-anaylzing everything, and then decide that the session wasn't special at all, and that i just misperceived the whole thing. i'm already yelling at myself in my head to stop doing that! ack! and i have only been home for an hour! how am i going to hold onto this until next monday? that's a loooooong time!

I am doing this as well. i wish I could figure out a way to stop it.

[sjkero]

blah.

i am already coming off the high and it hasn't even been 24 hours yet.

now i can't stop thinking about, and imagining, her interactions with her other clients. is she even MORE open with them? it came so easy to her last night, and now i am thinking it's just her personality, the way she is, and i am only a small small part of it. it had nothing to do with ME. i think i put her in a good mood last night though because she welcomed the client after me in a fun singsong way... and now all i am thinking is "wow... if that little moment is any indication of THEIR relationship, they are probably really close/connected behind closed doors" and i don't like it. it almost makes me mad at t, like... how dare she?

what is wrong with me???

[lostmyway21]

Originally Posted by sjkero

blah.

i am already coming off the high and it hasn't even been 24 hours yet.

now i can't stop thinking about, and imagining, her interactions with her other clients. is she even MORE open with them? it came so easy to her last night, and now i am thinking it's just her personality, the way she is, and i am only a small small part of it. it had nothing to do with ME. i think i put her in a good mood last night though because she welcomed the client after me in a fun singsong way... and now all i am thinking is "wow... if that little moment is any indication of THEIR relationship, they are probably really close/connected behind closed doors" and i don't like it. it almost makes me mad at t, like... how dare she?

what is wrong with me???

Nothing at all. I posted right after you about how good my session was, and guess what? I'm already coming off the high as well. I just wrote T a long email about this. I am so sick of it.

[pbutton]

I'm also off the high as well. I feel like I've embarrassed myself.

[wheeler]

I totally get it Sjkero, I don't understand it of course, but I get it. The push-pull doesn't make any sense and I can't turn it off or on, it's like it just 'happens' to me.

But, I have to admit that talking about it, and I mean over-and-over-and-over again has helped. Something happened between my T and I last week, and it was bothersome for sure, but for the first time I didn't obsess over it like I normally do. I think I handled it like a 'normal' person,

So don't give up trying, just keep at it.

[sjkero]

it makes me sick to my stomach knowing that i have a whole week before seeing her again... the day after session is always so hard i am on this emotional rollercoaster of love, hate, envy, neediness, anger, sadness, loneliness, and i just want to see her right now she lets me write or text or call (although i'm too scared to call) between sessions, but this is just a general blahness that needs to be discussed in person because it's all based on last night's session and getting to know some things about her, and wanting to know more and wanting to know HER more. this can't be discussed through email. god, i don't know how i am going to make it the whole week. and the worst part is that i am going to be so drained by these emotions by next monday that i won't feel as passionate about it and won't talk about it. and then the cycle continues. god i hate myself.

[Chopin99]

Originally Posted by sjkero

it makes me sick to my stomach knowing that i have a whole week before seeing her again... the day after session is always so hard i am on this emotional rollercoaster of love, hate, envy, neediness, anger, sadness, loneliness, and i just want to see her right now she lets me write or text or call (although i'm too scared to call) between sessions, but this is just a general blahness that needs to be discussed in person because it's all based on last night's session and getting to know some things about her, and wanting to know more and wanting to know HER more. this can't be discussed through email. god, i don't know how i am going to make it the whole week. and the worst part is that i am going to be so drained by these emotions by next monday that i won't feel as passionate about it and won't talk about it. and then the cycle continues. god i hate myself.

Don't hate yourself, sjkero. I think many of us go through this. I know I do!

[rainbow8]

I can relate! I have such mixed emotions about my session today. Maybe therapy is a waste of time.