Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how. (Part III)

dear t, i found irrational beliefs that i could understand. i did do the homework but i am embarrassed to show you. thinking i did it all wrong, f-ed it up. i hope you ask about it because that is the only way you will be seeing it.

please no tricks this time to make me look at you!!! okay, well maybe one or two... s l o w l y or it won't happen.

i don't why your being so cagey lately? wassup?

SPECULATION:

You look at T with your heart, not your eyes.

Dear T:

I thought you were really, really strange during our first session. Now that we've had a few sessions...well, I still think you're strange. But you make me laugh. I can tell you really want to help the people who come see you. I look forward to receiving your insight and help dealing with my problems.

Dear T,

Your email pushed my buttons (again). I want you to be honest even it is hard for me to hear. Sometimes you can really make me mad! I never get that mad with anyone. What is it about you that brings that out in me? You make me feel like a terrible person. I don't like who I am when we are in sessions together. Why don't we have a session where you make me feel good and don't make me talk about my feelings?

Squiggle

Because then it wouldn't be therapy, would it?

You don't have to slog through every session. The occasional feel-good session is warranted.

I wish you wouldn't say I know whenever I tell you something. show empathy but don't say you know when I don't think you do. if you already know everything there's no point talking to you I must be cured. I am really not looking forward to seeing you on Wednesday morning.

I guess you are right about that. Even though she does say good things, and at times she makes me feel great, most of the time, I hate her when I am in a session. She knows that. It actually makes her know that she is really getting at something I need to desperately work on.

She is right. The madder I get, the more she can identify that she has hit the right spot!

Dear T,
I've been thinking about this song alot...

*I don't know if I can yell any louder (screaming inside)
How many times have I kicked you outta here (I put those walls back up)
Or said something insulting? (I worry I do this)
I can be so mean when I wanna be (feelings of selfishness and guilt for not doing what makes others happy)
I am capable of really anything, I can cut you into pieces (Defences if I get hurt maybe but you can hurt me worse & deeper)
But my heart is broken (and I am broken too)
Please don't leave me (I hate myself even more for asking you but...)
Please don't leave me
I always say how I don't need you (I tell myself this and push you far away)
But it's always gonna come right back to this...
Please please don't leave me*

I hate how I don't want you to leave me but sometimes I wish you would, I deserve it

dear counselor
tonight we hate you! your email reply sucked!!! if we were able to handle everything all on our own then why the f***ck would we need you??? and that "possible best of all worlds"??? yeah that doesnt exist!!!!!

Dear T,

I am crying again.....I can't help it. I feel like I am wearing my welcome out with you.

Squiggle

dear t, what is going on with your office? no confirmation today. did i screw up that badly? no appt tomorrow? then not one next tuesday either?

i am waiting for you to call me back to find out what is actually happening? i am so confused. i don't want to go there tomorrow if i am not supposed to be there!

please help me!

Dear t,

I can't take much more of this. I need to disappear now. I don't want to live

Dear T:
I am over-thinking your comment at the end of our last session. Was that true or just some t trick to get me to feel secure in sharing stuff? Ugh. I wish my brain wouldn't analyze everything, but it does. I wish I could just trust you at your word. This is why I don't like having two and a half weeks between sessions - I've had too much time to think about our last session and I am to the point of nit-picking it to pieces.
Me.

New T.

Why should I have to show you my thighs where the cuts are? I've never had to show old T, I don't show anyone that part of my leg. Do you think I'm lying? I don't think I like you. I don't want to see you anymore. Can't I see a T I already know from group? You gave me your number to call if I needed... I don't trust you why would I call? And even if I did one full day and two half days is all you work, and you're on the inpatient unit most of that..

Old T

I hate you. You left me. You knew how much I am struggling and you just left. You said you knew I was in good hands but I hadn't even met new T. There was time while you where gone where I had no one. And even now, you know me, did you actually think I'd trust her and be honest with her. So MAYBE once I know her I MIGHT but during our 1st session I'm meant to tell her the high suicide urges are starting to be more than urges? That was never gunna happen. It hurts so much to know I rely on you so much and to you I'm just part of your work. It's not that I want to be special. I don't. It's more that I'm thinking about you and you leaving and how much you've helped me and you won't think of me at all. Why am I so f**king attached? Why can't I be like you and not care? I hate you but I don't want you to leave.

Psych.

Our appt is Thursday. Should I tell you how unsafe I am? Or continue with my vacation and just see if I survive a weekend alone? If I tell you I'll be locked up. And you trying to lock me up is always hard cuz I see you over the bridge and I live on this side meaning this is the hospital I'm meant to go in.

I feel awful because I promised you and old T a million times that I had no plans behind this weekend, and I didn't. But I'm not sure now.

I don't want to lie but my family can't know anything, especially not while my cousins are away and my auntie and uncle arebaby sitting me.

I reLly hope I can be honest with out getting locked up or a phone call home.

I'm not sure what I need you to do but I really am counting on your support Thursday. I keep saying to myself just gotta get to that appt..

Dear T,

I don't think I need to come tomorrow. I feel fine. I wonder if that is a good idea? What do you think? I know there is no use asking you because you will just turn that question back on me. Sometimes I wish that you would be more direct, but I understand why you can't be.

Squiggle

We are approaching the 100 page limit in this thread. It will be closed at that time. I restarted this again so that we can continue to use this thread to help us work through our emotions about talking with our therapists. I hope that it has helped you as much as it has helped me. Often times I actually take a copy of what I write in here and let her read it. Many times it has opened the door for me to work on some things that really needed to be said in therapy.