Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how. (Part III)

Dear potential new t,
I hate you too, I have tried to get in to have an apt with you for over a month now with no response from you. My old t also left three messages for you. Thanks for making it clear how ****** you really are. Therapists are dumb.

Dear T,

You haven't responded to my email telling you that I want to end therapy. I know it's possible you haven't gotten it, but nevertheless, I feel that same sense of sadness, frustration, and disappointment that seems to have become the norm when I interact with you.

I've been sitting here trying to figure out how to say goodbye to you tomorrow, and I just can't do it. I hate leaving under these circumstances, but I'm going to go completely crazy if things continue the way they have been.

I'm so tired, T.

Dear T,

Please tell them to turn on the air conditioning before I get there tomorrow. It has been three weeks since we have met. One thing after another has happened to cause us to have to cancel our sessions. Let's try to make this session a 'normal' one. Peaceful, cool, relaxed, and helpful!

Squiggle

so I sent you another needy e-mail not to give up on me. I feel like such a failure and nothing I do at work or home or in friendships or relationships is enough, so much more is always expected and I'm tired, lonely. I have no more to give, I want to quit everything and fade away, so I guess I ask you not to give up on me because I am giving up on me and everything is hopeless

Tomorrows your last day before you take 3 weeks leave. I think I need to talk to you but you'll be so busy. I'm not sure I can call. But I really think I need to.

Can I just give up? It's too hard and now you're leaving.

I will not e-mail you until I return home and need to set up an appointment. I will not!

I am at the one week mark now. I was updating you every two weeks or so. Now I just need to go one more week and the real battle begins.

I should have never allowed myself to bring my life at home on the road with me. I should have shut it all out like last time. I can't even use food to cope with my emotions because I am living with five other people in a hostel dorm. I don't have the courage to go out and exercise. The locals already look at me strange enough.

I will not email you.

Dear T,
I am really struggling with your "therapy being a microcosm of my RL" thing. It's not. In real life people do judge. They judge and form opinions about me. Your job is to be neutral and let me spill my deepest emotions. If I did that in RL I would be judged. I am just not buying that theory. I know you like that one because I hear it ALL the time. Sorry. I am feeling all alone and our next session is so far away.

I am getting a little frustrated with the lack of end of day appointments...I can't keep taking half days off at work, but it's nearly impossible for me to go back to work and deal with people after a session. Well, I could, but I can guarantee I won't open up very much in session then. I can't afford to go back to work looking and feeling like a zombie...which is how I often feel after a hard session. So we can just have shallow, unproductive sessions I guess. I've been flexible about times so far, but I can't keep that up much longer. Maybe you need to hear that none of the middle of the day appointments will work for me next time and you can just call me if and when something at the end of the day ever opens up.

dear t
i am feeling so discombobulated! like i am missing something. no, it is not you. you are scaring me again. getting too close. that just means i will have to flee again.

i am hungry, hot, cold, tired, awake, just totally out of it and my boss called and wants me in three hours early. i need the hours.

been sick for four days and no meds. maybe this is why i am feeling so out of sorts.. meds suck when you have the flu!!!!

I just saw this today, but it made me laugh...

dear T2,

a month ago I took a chance, opened up and told you something very difficult, how much I value being the last of your appts on the day I come, and I remember your saying that I could keep that. I wonder if you know how much that meant to me.

I wonder, because last week when I came out there was a Ms Next waiting and instead of walking with me to the door as you have done all these months, you stopped next to her, and I turned away and went out alone.

It made me feel like - well, what I probably really am - just one more in line. And from now on I have to watch the clock even more than I did before, lest I run over someone else's time. I'm really hurt and disappointed, ashamed of being either, and totally disgusted with myself. Just who did I think I was, anyway?

Dear T - that was me that just called and hung up before your voice mail picked up. I wanted to tell you that question that you left me with yesterday, well turns out that is the million-dollar question, and talking about it next week is going to be really hard, and I wanted to tell you not to let me weasel out of it because I know I will try to. But I weaseled out of telling you that even. I am hopeless!!!
love, me

I found your new website on the internet and now I feel jealous. lol. How crazy is that? I also feel that i have tainted and ruined your life and I should never come back and see you again. This is too hard.

Dear T,

A big part of me doesn't rightly care if I see you tomorrow or not. That makes another part of me sad, but I think it's good that I see myself as more independent. It makes that big part not as worried about the end of therapy as I used to be.

Going back and getting reattached is just not appealing to me today. Maybe it will be more appealing tomorrow.

I told you the truth when I said I love you...and I know you love me too. You might not be around me very much, or think of me that often, but I know you pray for me everyday. That means I'm in your mind at least once a day. Thanks for that.

Love,
Chopin

Dear T - After we were talking about my decision to trust the therapeutic relationship, you said it made you think of a song and you wanted me to listen to it. I found it on YouTube like you said and it blew me away. It's so beautiful and I know the part you were referring to - the chorus:

"Close your eyes
And know you are safe with me"

Wow. This means so much to me - thank you.

I am really in a bad place. It's like I can see myself slipping into the darkness, but I can't or won't do anything to stop it. Why can't I just go and volunteer at that orphanage. It is the whole reason I am still in this city, but I can never get there.

I am so tired of Asia. I keep thinking that if I could just get to Europe that things would be better, but would they? Travelling isn't going to solve anything is it? That realization has turned my trip from enjoyable to misery.

I don't know what to do. Locationg is not going to solve my screwedupness.

Dear T,

Why is it that when you ask me "How are you feeling (when I am in a shut down mode), and then I say, "I am mad at you, I hate you, You tick me off, I wish I had never met you, etc........."

You act like it doesn't bother you one bit. You actually seem to like it? Are you a gluton for punishment? Why do you push my buttons until I say stuff like that? To be honest, it feels GREAT to be able to say that to someone!! I am sorry that you just happen to be the one I am saying it to. You know that you are not the one that I am "really" angry with, don't you?

Squiggle

Dear T,

First off- I want to say thanks for showing me a little human part of you today. When you asked if me calling you when I have helped me. I said Yes, and then I asked you why you asked. You said because you felt like the last couple of times I called you didn't help me. I am not sure why that was such a signficant thing for me to hear, but it was. Second- I am sure since you are a good T you know this, but let me reassure you that I am not being stubborn for just for the heck of being stubborn. I have held on to this beliefs, these ways of distorted thinking for a very long time. They are my way to cope, and I just can't drop them or even in the last 6 months that I have been seeing you. And honestly, I am not sure that I really know how. I say that I want to change the way I think, but when it comes down to it, it doesn't ever work. I don't feel safe. How in the heck am I supposed to get through that? Finally, I know that my need for control is not rational.. I know that I need to give it up. It is ironic, the one thing that I think is keeping me safe and sane is the one thing that is giving me anxiety and driving me "crazy" I am a walking paradox.. it is soooo annoying. Please don't give up on me!

Healed

It's been two days since my e-mail and you haven't replied. I'm a little angry, to be honest. Sure, you're probably busy and I didn't specifically ask for a reply, but I thought what I'd written would get the point across how desperate and depressed I was, and I think I deserve recognition. And honestly, you can't tell me that you can't find two spare minutes to write me two or three lines. If you won't reply at all I think I will be pretty mad.

T: Thank you for letting me use curse words when I really need to.

I am hurting so badly inside. I HURT. I deserve it though.

Dear T,

Why do you keep showing up for our sessions? What is it that makes you want to help me? Aren't you tired of me talking about the same things over and over and over?

Squiggle

Dear t,

I left you a message again tonight and didn't hear back... this is like the 4th time in a row and I am thinking maybe I should just shut up and not call or text anymore. Might as well just give up and SI at this point

Please don't!

Dear T,
I realized I really liked sitting at the picnic table outside last session. I was worried I would be distracted but I wasn't. It was easier than meeting in your office. I liked that you were sitting closer to me. I didn't feel like my words were so exposed. But the table defined our spaces. There was a boundary. I want that boundary. I hope it is nice the next time I see you and that we can sit outside again. I think that would be helpful for me.
Me.

PS - I am avoiding the homework right now. At least I recognize I am avoiding it, right? I will have it complete by the time I see you.

Dear T,

I know this sounds weird, but sometimes I cannot even rememeber what you look like. I guess I spend too much time trying NOT to look at that you, that in my mind you are just a figure that happens to be in the same room with me. If it weren't for the few pics that I have, it could be John Doe sitting in that chair and I may not know the difference!

Squiggle