Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how. (Part III)

Dear T - For the first time in 14 months, I was able to look directly into your eyes and let my eyes fill up with tears. It was profound and healing. Thank you for helping me in this journey.

I don't feel so much like throwing my walls up a mile high and trying to act cool and independent when I get back, but I am still far from the person that wanted to say 'i miss you' and risk showing you my travel scrapbook. I refuse to contact you at all these next two months. I need to prove to myself that I can. I doubt you will notice.

T
I see you tomorrow. I don't want to see you. I'm scared. Angry. Sad. Idk. I don't even know what to say. Should I pretend I'm doing great? Or let you see how I am - that I haven't washed my hair in about 2 weeks, that I'm barely managing to shower every 2 days, I havent shaved my legs in who knows how long, I have bags under my eyes, my thoughts don't make sense and I've basically disassociated for the past week. I don't know. I can't face you right now.

Private psych
You are amazing. You have been helping me so much lately. You know what to say not to make everything better but to make me feel safe and like things might get better. I went into detail about stuff I never talk about with anyone last week it was nice to feel able to even though you had to push me a bit. I wish I could see you more often instead of doing the DBT program.

I'm very very unsure if I should keep going to you.
Not to give myself too much credit here, but I'm pretty sure I may play a big contribution on you retiring early! Lol

I'm really ReALLY losing it. I wish I could come see you everyday.
My life has never been THiS messed up. It's 4:56am....I'm STIll trying to fall asleep. 2 weeks? I've been outta the hospital and I'm WORSE doc! Worse!
I can't sleep w/o seroquel since they put me on it in the hospital, I'm sick of doing this ect treatment, my arms are all bruised up from all these IV's getting started in my veins every m,w,f. I hate how my dad who is tryin to help took away my car keys for now cause I'm 'not supposed to be driving while getting ect tx...even though everyone does'
I hate how I actually liked the hospital I was in better than real life :/
Agghhhhh everything's spinnin outta control. I wish you could give me house visits but you've stood your ground :/

I hope something improves.....pretty fast cause I don't know how much longer I can take I all this craziness doc....

This saved me from acting on my third attempt: wordsbykim.com/quicklinks/When-I-Was-Suicidal.html

There's also a "Reason to Live Wall" containing individuals' postings. Most are typical, but some are really good! Hang in there!

Dear T,

When am I going to learn to let 24 hours go by before hitting "send" when I write you an email? When am I going to understand that when I am in the netherlands between mania and depression that it's not a good time to email you a long rambling letter attempting to analyze our relationship, your skills as a therapist and/or discuss terminating therapy with you? I have no excuse other than being a total and complete moron. Talk about impulse control - I have none, nada, zip. From tangled neurons to computer keys it spews out without being censored or given conscious thought.

I dread the thought of your response to this latest stream of babble. You've been so patient in the past, but this might just be the one that tips the iceberg, that breaks the camel's back, that rings the bell, that......well, you get the idea.

Just shoot me, OK?

Dear T,

Talk about total lack of impulse control. I can only imagine your reaction to my steady stream of about 20 emails and counting today. I am such a screw up.

i skared an i wana go 2 ur house plzplees i wana be wif u

Your probably regretting giving me email privileges by now.

Dear T,

I don't know how I feel. Are you real or not? Is our relationship authentic? Make believe? Fantasy? We really do need to have a face to face session. Its been 3 weeks and I can tell that I am drifting far, far away. I wonder if I have gone too far? Can you bring me back?

Squiggle

...but then...

Well that certainly puts Towanda into perspective!

I slipped up and you're gunna be mad. But I'm not seeing you for three weeks so maybe you won't have to know?

I have to put it on my diary card for new T but hopefully she won't care and won't tell you?

Please don't leave me I'm going to go back to where I was when you leave. I can feel it already . Everyone says how great I'm being with the change of you leaving - they have no idea, I'm crying just thinking about it. I'm holding it together cuz I don't want to let you down but what's stopping me once you're gone?

Dear T,

Enough with the making me cry when I'm at work. Yes, I know technically you don't "make" me cry, but seriously, this is not helping with my productivity.

I'm back to thinking I want to quit. There was a time when you told me that you saw me as a person, in addition to seeing me as a client. I don't think you feel that way anymore. I think I'm just a client. A client who is a giant pain in your ***, and whom you wouldn't mind kicking to the curb.

why does therapy have to hurt so much? not just during but between.

Dear T,

I wish that you would call me sometime. Just to say, "Hey Squiggle, how are you doing?" That would really make my day.

Squiggle

Dear T,

..........

I feel the same way sometimes....

Dear T,
I haven't even started on my homework yet - haven't even thought about it. Now I know why you told me it would be such a difficult assignment. It doesn't help it's been the work week from hell... I wish I was seeing you sooner...
Me

Dear T,

I hope you're all packed or are you doing that tomorrow? I think you said you'll be back at night so you'll be on the plane most of the day. I wonder if you would email that you're back without my asking. I forgot to ask you this time. You'll probably be too tired, so I will email you first, and you can confirm my appointment for Wednesday.

I will pray that you don't miss the plane(s) and that you get back safely! I wonder if you thought about me at all while you were away. Maybe when you were taking photos of all that beautiful scenery?

I hope you had a great vacation! Really I do. In spite of my extreme jealousy and sadness, which we will have to discuss. By the time I see you I probably will not think about crying anymore. I'm already holding back my feelings from the almost 3 weeks since my last session. I think I coped pretty well but the whole time I felt unsettled and like a part of me was missing. I didn't miss you; that's not what I mean. You were holding my hand the whole time. That was the image I focused on. I mean that part of me was missing without you, like a baby needs its Mommy. I was okay but not okay and I don't know how to explain that any better.

I hope that we can do a lot of EMDR and concentrate on how to help me. I feel like my Self is a little stronger but I still need you.

Love,
rainbow

Dear T,

I don't want to do this whole "life" thing anymore. I don't want to be me. I just want everything to stop.

Dear T,

I know you tell me I'm safe with you but after events at the weekend I don't know if I can feel safe with anyone. I'm sorry I was mute and unable to open up, you're right I am hiding and getting ready to run. You said something that puzzled me, you said you would listen and that you would believe me no matter what, believe me? Why would I think you or anyone wouldn't believe me? I mean, I don't trust you but I didn't think you wouldn't believe me, I have no reason to lie to you (unless it's that I'm ok when I'm really not). But now you've said it it's made me wonder, would you not believe me? The thought hadn't crossed my mind but now I can't stop worrying about it

Dear T

Somewhere along the course of therapy my mood dropped dangerously low. It's grief for what I didn't have, you say. At the same time, your 'phone broke' and our daily contact was pulled without ceremony from under my feet. This is day three without you and I am staring at my phone hoping to see an email from you. Yet the low mood is cushioning me from the rawness of the loss of you, from the shock that in the end what I thought was solid was so very tenuous. I had to lose you sometime, and I'm glad it was now, when the loss of you is just another loss on the pile of loss crushing down on me. You are just another thing I don't have- never really had at all. And I am the automaton that is left. "Thank you for leaving me. Your loss is very important to us. Your loss is at queue position 5-0-1-7. We will deal with your loss as soon as possible".

don't be a bulldozer to my daisy

I don't always know the answers to your questions. I don't know why it makes a difference to me to work on a project for you while you're gone and give it to you. I thought it would help me. Now it just feels like an awful idea. I wish I hadn't asked.

I think 20% (probably more if I am being honest) of the reasons I only applied to grad schools near home was so that I could continue therapy with you. I didn't at all sacrifice quality or prestige, but I feel pathetic for it.

Dear T,
I still hate your guts!