[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by My kids are cool

I've thought about this comparison between my first T and yours pretty often, CantExplain, when you were discussing your fairly blank slate T. I think the difference may be that I really was DONE with therapy and I wasn't going back at the point I told him it wasn't working for me. It was a situation where I was done and not coming back, but telling him before I left what an a**H*** I thought he was, and how I felt like he had ruined my life. Maybe your T knew you weren't really leaving despite her lack of disclosure, and my T knew I was really and truly done and walking away from therapy, probably for good.

This is a very interesting idea, which is why I have started a new thread.

My T has admitted there were times when she never expected to see me again.

On the other hand, I'm sure there have been times when I have talked about leaving when she knew it wasn't going to happen.

Once she said, "I think you feel a need to punish me, and leaving is your way of doing that. And maybe that is what you need to do right now." I think she just wanted me to talk it through, but what I heard was, "I'll see you again when you've wised up." Yet she wasn't angry.

That triggered my paranoia and I wondered, does she want me to go or not? Cos I'll do whatever she doesn't want.

Originally Posted by CantExplain

This is a very interesting idea, which is why I have started a new thread.

My T has admitted there were times when she never expected to see me again.

On the other hand, I'm sure there have been times when I have talked about leaving when she knew it wasn't going to happen.

Once she said, "I think you feel a need to punish me, and leaving is your way of doing that. And maybe that is what you need to do right now." I think she just wanted me to talk it through, but what I heard was, "I'll see you again when you've wised up." Yet she wasn't angry.

That triggered my paranoia and I wondered, does she want me to go or not? Cos I'll do whatever she doesn't want.

My T. said that both the client and the T must believe in the process for it to work and that when a client constantly or consistantly (every 3 or 4 months for me) talks about quitting that it hinders the therapeutic process.

[stopdog]

I talk about leaving all the time. The one I see does not seem to react to it at all. I do not see how to trust a process I do not understand nor do they seem able (or willing) to explain. The therapist does not seem to think I mean it in that the appointment time is still there when I call back to arrange a time. I don't do it to punish her as I assume it makes little to no difference to her whether I go or not. I cannot see why it would matter whether I was there or some other person who was willing to pay for her to sit there. I do it mainly to make sure I am not too attached and to quell the urges to smash myself I have when I leave.

[Wren_]

Not sure, but reading what she said I wondered if she was refering to what you needed to do at that time was punish her? and to talk about that rather than that she thought you were really leaving

I'm not sure what they know I had one remove me totally from his books when I mentioned I wanted to quit everything in a state of sheer panic; I was so wound up and he acted on it and it hurt so much even though I guess he did what I said I wanted

[Chopin99]

My T told me that during the first few months she felt she had to be "careful" with me because she was afraid I would leave and not return. Apparently she's not afraid of that anymore. Maybe I should threaten it on occasion, keep her "in line".

[learning1]

I think my t knows I want to come more often than he wants me to. I'm curious how clearly he knows it. I don't know if he pushes me not to to intentionally make things difficult, stir me up, or something like that.

[crazycanbegood]

i cant count the number of times I've tried to quit. I don't know if T knew the times when I was really serious or half-serious. A couple times she gave my appointments away or called me to convince me otherwise. For the most part, she would say a few words that equated to "stay," and I would listen to her. She did say that early on she thought I would quit at any point. Shes told me that at times she thought when we had ruptures that I would leave and never come back, but now she doesn't think our relationship is fragile and we could get through anything. Sigh.

It's good that your T understands you, CantExplain.

[SallyBrown]

My T doesn't seem to have such a great grip on this one. I think he takes what I am saying seriously as something I am FEELING, and not something I am just saying to be difficult, but I don't know that he always gets how serious I am when I say I'm thinking of leaving.

Twice, this has almost been a disaster. You'd think he'd have learned after the first time. Still, the second time was less of a mess... I'd been talking about leaving for a little while, and one day he asked me, "Is there anything you feel like I'm missing in our conversations recently?" and I said, "I don't think you are taking it seriously enough when I say I am thinking of leaving. Because I am." After that, he said something that really changed things for the better between us. He does learn, eventually...

[anilam]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

... Cos I'll do whatever she doesn't want.

That sounds familiar...

I think it is quite dangerous to assume the T can read your mind- not only in this specific aspect. Cause they don't and it's better when they are not trying to. Plus I too think that what she meant was that you need to punish her.

[nicoleflynn]

No point in playing games with your t (they cannot read your mind).....Tell them up front how you are feeling. After all, you are paying them for a service. If a repairman came to your house you wouldn't pay them for not doing their job/or what you asked them to do.

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by nicoleflynn

No point in playing games with your t (they cannot read your mind).....Tell them up front how you are feeling. After all, you are paying them for a service. If a repairman came to your house you wouldn't pay them for not doing their job/or what you asked them to do.

I don't think it is playing games. When i say I am going to quit, in the moment I believe it. Then a day or so later, I reconsider. Therapists, in my experience, are not always good or willing to talk about ending either.

[SoupDragon]

Originally Posted by stopdog

I don't think it is playing games. When i say I am going to quit, in the moment I believe it. Then a day or so later, I reconsider. Therapists, in my experience, are not always good or willing to talk about ending either.

I think T's are wise to this, I have learned there is a difference between thoughts of wanting to quit and making the decision to quit - thoughts of wanting to quit are interesting things to explore, it doesn't necessarily mean you want to quit, just that maybe it is feeling difficult for whatever reason - I think a little prodding can reveal alot at these times.

I e-mailed my T to say I want to quit this week and he replied he is happy to explore that with me if it is still on my mind at the next session - suggesting that he is used to clients having these thoughts periodically. He has told me that there is a push / pull of therapy and that this is not unusual.

Soup

I will say that when I had my meltdown, I am certain that the T knew I was very serious about quitting. I had no history of threatening to quit. I had never played any games with him. In fact, I had never really expressed any strong emotion up to that point. So even though I wasn't yelling or crying or anything like that, I think it had a big impact on him for me to suddenly go, NO, I'm not okay; this sucks and I'm done. Maybe some of it too was that he was a student and more open to changing what he was doing to help me. He wasn't really in the habit of doing things a certain way, and not "married" to any philosophy of therapy at that point.

I go through phases of cancelling my appointments. T has never taken this at face value, and assumes I will go, and so far I always have.

This week, for the first time she said 'You've never not come', and it felt horrid, the way she can be so sure I'll always come running back because I can't stay away I told her that I felt that not showing up was becoming more of a possibility, and we both agreed this was a good thing. I think it's because slowly but surely, there is more to my relationship with T than this day we are in right now. So a bad day is less of a tragedy, because there will be other days, and not showing up to a session is not quite the end of the world, because there will be other chances. I have yet to test out this not-quite-the-end-of-the-world theory though, mostly because I pay more for therapy than I can afford, so the sheer panic of having to pay means that I show up.