Hugging - again

I am a hugger with THIS T, but it was an impulse, when I overheard him offer a goodbye hug to the little boy client before me, he just sounded so sweet and caring, I was like, me too, me next! But if that hadn't happened? If it had been like for OP? I don't know. I DO know I would have lost out on what has become a really positive experience. Our hugs are usually very buddy-buddy, but sometimes they get emotional, like maybe one percent of the time.

kitten - you've gotten a lot of great feedback and some differing opinions. What feels OK to you? Do you feel comfortable talking to him about hugging at your next appt? Did you bring up anything about touch or hugging in your appt? Once I said to a T that I'd seen 3 times about missing people's hugs (I was temporarily living somewhere new) and she put her hand on my shoulder when she went across the room to grab a box of kleenexes. When I look for a new T I sometimes ask outright if someone hugs or just try to gauge this as I do want/need a T who hugs. I've never been hugged during the 1st appt. I'd say that the soonest was the third appt and I'm not sure how I'd feel. But if it is a good match and we started hugging eventually/soon, perhaps this would be OK for me. Just like we are talking about liking/not liking hugs in general, Ts also have such feelings. I've also noticed that my 4 Ts whom I've hugged all hug differently.

It is interesting this whole hugging thing, indeed. And as much as I love it I wonder sometimes if it'd make things easier if there was no hugging so those who don't get hugs don't get frustrated or such situations as you had don't come up or those of us who get some hugs and want more aren't left feeling guilty for wanting more or just wanting more, dammit!... but doesn't this parallel our lives in some ways? Not getting things that we want or being in uncomfortable situations with other people?

Good luck - if your T is opening himself up by hugging then it sounds like he's a pretty open guy for you to bring up any subject.

My T and I hug often at the end of a session. We didn't do this for the first 6 months or though. Then he did invite me to share a hug with him. We didn't discuss it. Just an invitation/question and I answered yes.

Kitten, what I didn't like about what your T did was that he said "you can't tell you whole life story to me and not get a hug." Even though it's probably just a turn of speech, it sounds like you had no choice in the matter. He was telling you that you can't not hug him. I think this sends the wrong message. The client doesn't have to do anything in therapy. The choice is all up to the client. For the T to tell the client she has no choice but to get a hug from him sounds awful.

LOL!

Yeah, it's funny, I have enjoyed hugging other women who were big-chested. I've wondered if it evokes a kind of ideal mother? Plus cushioning is nice. It just doesn't hurt as much as a guy's rigid barrel chest smashing against the girls

Yeah eastcoaster, I'm not sure how I feel yet - one session is so little to go on. But I do have a point of comparison in my previous T, who had more issues than the New York Times.

My old T was physically avoidant around me, to the point of being phobic. I could see that he hated just having to take my check from my hand at each session. Once I left my wallet in his office. When I came back to get it, he wouldn't hand it to me - he just dropped it on the edge of the desk and pointed at it.

And he never shook my hand, not once. And he refused to rise when I was leaving his office. It was a violation of a very basic point of courtesy, that you rise and see a guest to the door, no matter what the circumstance - friend, family member, business client, or therapeutic client.

So to be in the presence of a T who is comfortable with touching seems much healthier right out of the gate. I can't work with a T who is afraid of me. But this new guy was a bit presumptuous, and that annoyed me.

Need to have another session to get clear on this! Thanks so much for your thoughtful input!

Yes Sunrise, I was struck by that too - as if he saw me hesitate. So he needed to massage it a bit: "You can't tell me your life story -"

And I'm thinking, yeah, I CAN tell you my life story. That's precisely what I'm here to do! The hugging thing is a separate issue. One is not predicated on the other. It's a logical fallacy.

Sloppy thinking, you know? And this guy is a Ph.D!

And the implied coersion in the phrase, "You can't - "

DON'T TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CAN'T DO for gawd's sake!

He seems like a really sweet guy. And I'm sure he has NO IDEA he did anything wrong or that I'm picking it apart like this! If he were a "normal" person - one I might see in another context in civilian life, I'd chalk it up to clumsiness. I'd be like, "Oh yeah, Birk [I met a guy named Birk the other day, let's use that alias] - Birk's just a nut like that. Big hugger." [rolling my eyes]

But he's not some random dipwad at the church social or whatever. He's a THERAPIST. And if you're a therapist, it's assumed that you're better than the average Joe at everything relating to people. You're supposed to be particularly sensitive to people and their issues.

I mean if you're tending to a frightened wounded doe, your behavior is gentle and slow and reassuring. You don't make sudden moves and lunges, because you don't want to frighten this helpless damaged creature.

First do no harm, right? [sigh] DUDE, DON'T MAKE IT ANY WORSE!

So yes, I'm annoyed. I'll bring it up this week with Birk and see what he says. I don't have anything invested in the guy yet! He's got some 'splainin' to do

Nothing to add, just very intrigued by the name Birk. That's a really good word.

Both of these things struck me. My first therapist made it very, very clear that hugging was my choice. Until that very last appointment, he never tried to persuade me in any way to hug him. My second therapist waited for me to ask for a hug.

And especially with my second therapist, when I actually started talking about the details of the abuse, rather than just saying I was abused, it has been important for me to feel safe. My T sits REALLY quietly and sometimes it even seems like he's holding his breath. His voice gets quieter and his movements are dramatically slower when he finally moves.

I'll be really interested to hear your thoughts after your next appointment.

He sounds like a member of the wack pack.

I'm picturing him too cause you are a great writer and I'm like....YICK!

the spell is busted.

Also...he doesn't sound all that sweet to me.

Hi Mcl6136,
Yes - oh Gawd, yes - I hope you're wrong, but I think you may be right What is it with my terrible luck with helpers? Is it something I do that brings out the whack in them? Loved your phrase "whack pack," LOL

Or does the therapeutic profession simply attract a higher proportion of nutjobs than other fields?

My DH and I were talking about this the other night. He HATES my Ts, because they've all been asshats. I keep telling him I've FINALLY found one who isn't a jerk, I just know it. And then things progress, and inevitably start to decline, and then my DH turns out to have been right all along.

When I make a new appointment with yet another headshrink, he's all, "This one won't be any different. It's a racket. Don't give your money to these people!"

And it's really OUR money, and I know he's right, and I feel horribly guilty.

But I want to give Birk one more chance!

(sigh) I'll check in again after my Wednesday session.

I look forward to hearing what Birk has to say. I also look forward to reading the name Birk some more.

Oh, and I have a perfectly sane T. I manage to hate him anyway, but he's not actually doing anything. So there are some good ones out there, don't give up.

I sat next to a young guy the other day at a chamber music concert, and his name was Birken - "like Birkenstock," he said. I thought it was cute, and you could call him Birk for short.

But I just realized - Birk rhymes with jerk! The unconscious is an amazing thing, no?

pbutton, I'm intrigued (and I figure I can hijack my own thread here) - why do you hate your T?

Lostmyway, I agree!

I filled out this 30-question form for him, and another worksheet, where I indicated some issues around sexual stuff with my family (not exactly CSA, but weirdness). I gave it to him at the start of the session, so he didn't have time to look at it. But if he had, he would have seen that there were sexual issues, both in my past and currently. I would think he would have hesitated on the hugging thing, but he hadn't read my answers yet.

Still, better to err on the side of safety, no? It's just therapy 101.

The approach was a bit overwhelming. He was standing in front of the door, and he opened his arms really wide as he said, "You can't tell me your whole life story..." So blocking the door, and making it hard for me to say no since he was PHYSICALLY primed and expectant. (sigh)

No problem about the anger, I don't blame you at all! Just hope this thread isn't too triggering for anyone

Oh, it depends upon the day. I'm actually fairly mellow about it today. Generally it's some reason that I've built up to justify why I should throw a giant hissy and never go back to see him. It's been a full week since my last session, so I'm out of anger today. Catch me again next Tuesday, the day after my appt.

Good lord, having him block the doorway for a hug would have made me angry.

New rule - pocket riders on first visits from now on, and we come armed! poke 'im with a stick an' throw a pepsi in his face, he won't try THAT again!

Same here. I can't even really comment on it.

Hankster, love the first-session pocket-rider rule - I should have asked for some before, just forgot

Anyway, I'll need some for my second session. I'll let y'all know! You people are really great!

Except now you're totally going to hate him, whatever I say

My longtime T of 20+ years used to give me a hug if I asked. If I didn't ask for a while, he would ask why and I said I didn't think I deserved one (one of my issues). Then he would offer them. He was very tall. I am very short, and yes the girls are big. When he hugged me he could rest his chin on my head and sometimes would kiss the top of my head. It was like I was a kid again.It was a good thing for me.

My new T doesn't touch. He came out and told me a story about "his " difficulty with being touched. I thought this was a unique way to talk about touch. He makes up for it though by his words,availability and caring, unlike any other I have had.

I totally agree with you!

No, not at all - we're very open-minded - plus, ahem, several here have already received F's in Reading Comprehension and RETENTION Besides, if you guys work it out, you start out not expecting perfection, and speaking up, and fixing things - what could be better?

Only if I'm not mad at my own T that day. I mean, I only have so much hate to give...

Aw, nah! Actually I don't think I'd mind a T being a bit pushy with the hugs - it's not like I'll ever be able to ask for one...