Should I let sleeping dogs lie?

I am feeling very sad as I dissect my recent termination with xT and I am beginning to wonder if she was right. Maybe I am just a client who made the process difficult and apparently projected too often. Maybe it's all in my head, I'm beginning to doubt my decision to leave her. So... Do I listen to little Lola and write xT a snail mail letter of deep apology begging for her to allow me to return or do I listen to big Lola and wait this out until New T in 9 days and see if this feeling gets any better? Is this transference playing tricks on me, as I totally had that with xT? I have regrets and questions, I miss her. Advice?

Is this something you could talk through on here or with new T before you write to ex T? Maybe write pros and cons. If I remember rightly ex T wasn't very nice to you? So I don't think you should take on all of the blame maybe it'd help to write it but not send it

Begging is so unattractive. I have recurring nightmares of me begging my exes to return, then realizing the reason we broke up before is still there, and then having to break up again after I begged them to come back. Literally recurring nightmares! Three exes! Please do not start down this path! Deal with this now - WHO (from your past) are you REALLY begging?
ETA: oops! I agree with bluemountains- I didn't mean to ask her, I meant to wait it out, work it out with new T. deal with the ISSUE now, going back to old T would be avoiding it, imo.

My vote is to wait!
Bluemountains

I also think waiting is best. My T went through 20 Ts of his own before finding the one that was the right fit. You have to do what is best for you in the long run. So see what the other T is like and ask the new T about those things.

That's what I'm saying, maybe it was all me... What if she wasn't mean , what if she was trying to help me and I made it difficult and perceived her as mean? My bio mother was very mean, it's possible right? I'm driving myself insane... And it's a short trip!

I can eat crow like the best of them, and somehow I imagine the begging to be more heartfelt , the pleas from the tortured main character in an after school special, not ugly...lol

I'm really begging for a mother... I know I shouldn't do it, but at night when I'm sitting with "it", little me misses her or anyone other then us.

I get it - i'm a beggar too - one of the hardest things I ever admitted to this T. But there IS a difference between begging and asking. Asking is between equals, it's reciprocal - begging, you already admit you're the underdog, she's one-up, ALWAYS. What's that about? This is what I hear in MKAC saying she's gross and her T saying no, she's the opposite of gross. It's like you were saying you were NOT gross, but your T (and my mother!) says we are! We don't need that!

sorry it was my perception she wasn't nice. Nothing you did sorry

Even if you were the worst client on planet earth (and I am NOT Saying that you were!!) it is still your T's job to manage the situation. Since it is her job & she decided that perhaps you'd be better helped by another T, it may be a good idea to really give that a try.

No , no its not you....she was mean to me, or at least I perceived it that way. I'm just starting to doubt what emotions were real and which ones where just me seeing things wrong.


I agree, and I brought up not seeing her anymore...she just agreed

Sorry to bother ya'll

change is hard & scary. you know what you had with her...it was familiar...safe almost (crappy but safe)..new guy t is just that new, guy t. not so safe yet.

wait it out. don't write a note. don't call. fight the urge. (eat the ice cream if you must). if you were changing a job, contemplating moving, buying a new car...it would all feel the same..that nagging in the back of your mind..this is a big decision...you are taking the giant leap.

trust this guy..give him a chance. let him prove himself...you just met...you said he wasn't what you thought he would be...ok...so let him earn the right to be your t.

why would you run back to someone who treated you poorly & didn't validate you (because she feels safe? familiar?) not a good reason..almost like going back to an abuser.

sit with the feelings...let them rumble thru you...if need be call the new guy & tell him you are having problems with it & see what he says....but don't go back to her...she did not earn the right to treat you.

oh..& when you sometimes wake up a sleeping dog you have a tendency to get bit...badly. they don;'t like to get startled.

just saying.

let the dog sleep.

Lola, even in your most emotional postings, it seemed to me that you were pretty careful to be accurate and fairly detailed in describing your interactions. Even if your behavior was not always what *I* would have done, I would always see your point and thought your position was understandable. I am an attorney and not a psychologist or counselor trained to see other people's emotional points of view. If *I* could see your point, then your T should have been able to see your point as well and not react in a defensive, unkind manner. This relationship breaking down was NOT all you. Unless you misquoted her e-mails, your former T has some serious issues, and is not a healthy person for you to continue seeing, in my opinion. Just my opinion, though.

Your right, your all right...I just needed to hear it from someone. I was honest in my posting , I know I did things wrong, but unintentionally. I prefer the mindset of an attorney vs a T, I relate to and understand facts so much better then feelings.

Thanks MKAC

Attorneys are your friend.

Not always...but in the case of you and MKAC...yeah I think so.
Weird how I can interact as friends would, with people on the boards without even knowing them in RL. But I'm digging it!

MKAC and Stoppuppy are both attorneys? I guess not reading every thread puts me behind.

Why ? Because you have a thing about attorneys? Or because we respond so differently to posts?

It must be because I am so warm and fuzzy people that people are surprised I am not a kindergarten teacher or yoga instructor. (both fine professions - I am mocking me - not those)

Stopdog, warm and fuzzy you? Yeah your right! tehe

Please let go of the idea that you did anything wrong. You did nothing wrong. Clients can do no wrong. The burden of performance is always on the therapist.

I think one of the reasons we find it difficult to give up guilt - the feeling we've made a mistake, we've done something bad or wrong - is that this perception gives us a sense of power. If it's something WE'RE doing, we can change that!

If on the other hand there was nothing you could do to win your T's love, that's really depressing.

So you cling to the belief that there's still something you can do to change the situation - it makes you feel more powerful, gives you hope.

But so much of what you've said about this T screams out that she was at fault (and possibly incompetent).

It sounds like this experience with the awful T was very damaging to you, and you need closure. It's okay to discuss these things with your new T. But instead of opening up with, "Why do I project too much," or, "How can I be a better client," or "What did I do wrong," maybe ask:

"Why do I have a need to blame myself if therapy doesn't work out?" Or, "Why do I feel so much pressure to perform as a client?" Or, "Why have I cast myself in the bad little girl role, and how can I change the way I feel about myself?"

These might be some areas worth exploring. Hope you feel better soon!

I think she treated you poorly and I really would not recommend that you return or contact her at all.

I agree with everyone that contacting xT is a mistake, at least right now. T's are supposed to help us with our emotions, not criticize us or make us feel like failures. In their office is where we're supposed to feel safe to express whatever we're feeling, whether we perceive those feelings as ugly and inappropriate or not.

Once when I behaved poorly with my T, I apologized to her. She is so sweet. She said, "No, don't apologize. The more parts of you that show up in session, the better. From a therapist's point of view that is gold."

T's job is to validate our feelings and then help us normalize them, not condemn us for them.

In my opinion, leave that dog alone. She was not useful to you from the info you gave.

no, I'm fine with attorneys, the very few I have dealt with were fine (well except for one, but he was a magistrate so I don't really count him).

people on PC don't reveal their professions all that often, I guess I just missed seeing that, that's all.

No offense intended; and if accused I will deny everything.