Feeling frustrated and just yuck

FourRedheads · Feb 28, 2012, 08:54 PM

I saw T today.

I don't know. T and I just didn't seem to connect. I anticipated seeing her all week and thought of many things I want to address, but the session was such a big let-down. I didn't feel cared for or like T was happy to see me. I just feel awful.

Like I am a waste of space and a waste of everyone's time.

We chit-chatted about stupid things. My kids, the weather, homeschooling. Dang it, if I wanted idle chatter I could have called any number of people. I get lots of stupid chat from everyone. That is NOT what I need! I need to talk about the deep stuff because it's all up here in my head and it hurts and where else am I going to talk about this stuff?

I tried. I told her I was shaking but she just dismissed it.

I wanted to tell her... tell her my ex used sex as a weapon to control me. I wax ra* in college, but I don't remember much. Images, sensations, his name. (Shudder) But whatever, it was my fault. So much more I want to tell her.

So now I have to wait more than a week...a week from Thurs and this just hurts so much. I hate her and desperately need her at the same time. I am so messed up.

I want to call her tomorrow. And I don't know. Cry? Yell? Just ask her if she's there and if it's okay because right now it's not okay.

rainbow8 · Feb 28, 2012, 09:03 PM

Can you email or call your T to tell her briefly about what you needed to talk about but couldn't? Can you ask her to help you talk about it next week and not do the chit-chat? I'm sorry your session was so disappointing.

doggiedo · Feb 28, 2012, 09:05 PM

Aw, sending you hugs..you aren't a waste of space or time at all. You do matter!
Maybe you could call her tomorrow and tell her you want to address x,y,z next week. That way she'll address it and you don't have to rely on yourself to bring it up.

I'm sorry about what happened to you. I don't know what happened, but it's never the victim's fault.

Have you considered going to a recovery group? Just a thought.
And it's okay to cry, yell, etc in therapy...just do it...or do it at home - where ever and whenever - you might be surprised at how good it can feel to get it out. I useed to have a good friend that cried and got it all out in the shower b/c she didn't want people to see her upset..she said it was time for a good "shower cry"...

Be patient with yourself. It's a good step that you are talking to someone. Hang in there hun.

FourRedheads · Feb 28, 2012, 09:10 PM

Thanks rainbow. I appreciate it

I think I can call her. I just hate to do that. It feels like I am bothering her and I'm a big needy gross blob or something.

Ugh, I just HATE that!

I'm hurting so much right now. I can't wait more than a week, this is too hard. I hate this, this sucks.

FourRedheads · Feb 28, 2012, 09:14 PM

I wish I had a direct number for her so I can leave her a message right now. I have to wait until the agency is open tomorrow and by then I will probably wimp out. I want to tell her that I have some hard stuff I want to talk about but it's hard and I need help. But I just don't think she cares or wants me to bring this stuff up. Like I'm bothering her. Ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh!!!!!

rainbow8 · Feb 28, 2012, 09:19 PM

I'm wondering what you think your T is for if not to bring up what's bothering you. Of course she cares and wants to hear it! I think it would be important to tell her that you're afraid that you're bothering her and get those feelings out in the open. Then, you can get to what you need to talk about next week.

FourRedheads · Feb 28, 2012, 09:27 PM

Thanks doggiedo (love your name!) I like the idea of a good "shower cry." I hardly ever cry, but the few times I did, I cried in the shower.

This is so confusing and yucky. I hate this. It's much easier to numb out and not feel anything but that is its own special kind of pain. I hate feeling this way. It's so gross.

Rainbow, I don't know what my T is for. I don't want to upset her or impose on her. But I want her to hear me and she just doesn't get it. She doesn't KNOW.

wintergirl · Feb 28, 2012, 09:31 PM

Do you usually connect with your T, or was this just one bad session?

I'm sorry it didn't go well! Give yourself permission to call her - we've all been there. I get so down on myself when I plan topics ahead of time that I know need to be discussed, and then I chicken out once I see my T.

FourRedheads · Feb 28, 2012, 09:53 PM

Wintergirl, I've had a few sessions like this that are frustrating. I have a lot I needto share but I don't know how or if I can tell, and I get the sense from T that I need to keep things light. But I don't know if that's MY stuff or if T really does not want me to say anything.

Our sessions are mostly T asking me questions and me answering and the stupid chit chat stuff. Is that normal? Maybe I'm expecting too much? This is so confusing.

Feb 29, 2012, 11:06 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by FourRedheads

Our sessions are mostly T asking me questions and me answering and the stupid chit chat stuff. Is that normal? Maybe I'm expecting too much? This is so confusing.

This isn't normal for my sessions. My T and I don't chitchat much. Listening to my friend talk about her sessions with the same T, they chitchat quite a bit. Makes me jealous sometimes. However, she says she cannot just jump in and it takes her quite a while to settle down and be ready to talk. Maybe your T is still trying to help you get comfortable? Are you actually bringing up the subject and she dismisses you? Because THAT isn't acceptable.

Maybe you can go in next time with a written agenda. I know someone else on this forum created a letter with a list of topics she felt she needed to address in therapy. That might help you and and your therapist know where you feel therapy needs to go.

pbutton · Feb 29, 2012, 11:19 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by FourRedheads

Wintergirl, I've had a few sessions like this that are frustrating. I have a lot I needto share but I don't know how or if I can tell, and I get the sense from T that I need to keep things light. But I don't know if that's MY stuff or if T really does not want me to say anything.

Our sessions are mostly T asking me questions and me answering and the stupid chit chat stuff. Is that normal? Maybe I'm expecting too much? This is so confusing.

My T follows wherever I lead. When I feel like I want to keep things light, he's right there with me. Even if I secretly want to talk about something hard. Last time I went in and said "I have a list with 3 things I need to talk about. I don't want to talk about them". He, of course, did not push and we didn't talk about the list. I have realized that I need to be the one to put my needs out there. He will do his T thing and follow me right into the hard stuff.

Of course understanding this & managing to do this are two different things.

I'm still learning...

granite1 · Feb 29, 2012, 11:29 AM

FRH i am so sorry for the things that have happened to you.i have a very hard time talking in T and we will chit chat some in the beginning if i am able to speak.so we do that.one time she talked to me about how we can go really slow and and some about retrauma.how she doesnt want me to become traumatized by reliving the things that hapened in my past.do you think maybe this is something your T may be doing when she does a lot of small talk.

sunrise · Feb 29, 2012, 02:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by FourRedheads

Our sessions are mostly T asking me questions and me answering and the stupid chit chat stuff. Is that normal? Maybe I'm expecting too much? This is so confusing.

Is your T asking you a lot of questions because you are not talking? I think it is quite common for the T to let the client lead the session. They let you choose the topics. I think with clients who won't talk, sometimes the T falls back on asking questions. Other Ts fall back on allowing silence. I think the question strategy can backfire because then the session ends up not being about what the client wants to discuss. The silence strategy can be frustrating too, in a different way. My concern with what you've written is that you did try to tell her something important and she didn't want to discuss it with you: "I told her I was shaking but she just dismissed it". You also wrote that "I get the sense from T that I need to keep it light". Both of those things are concerning. I think you should discuss those things with your T, because they seem to be impeding therapy. Maybe you could write what you need to discuss on a piece of paper and hand it to her, just to get the ball rolling.

My sessions sometimes do include chitchat, but I know that if they do, it was because I chose that. My T is ready at an instant's notice to jump into the deep stuff with me. It just requires my courage to ask him or bring up those hard topics. For me, I think the chitchat can be a way to avoid talking about what's important and difficult.

FourRedheads · Feb 29, 2012, 04:45 PM

Ugh, I am confused right now. Thank you all for the responses. It does help.

Granite, maybe that's it. T has said several times we will "take it slow." So maybe she is keeping it light for that reason. Sunrise, yes, it is hard for me to talk in therapy. But all the questions is just, yuck. Feels like we are following T's agenda and not what I need.

I really want to call T. Just to know she is there. She feels do far away and disconnected, somehow.