[granite1]

I'm not sure what i am needing right now .I'm feeling like i didn't want to talk in T. leading up to my session i had the feeling of defiance and anger.i didn't want to talk at all .i don't know what was going on but now i am feeling betrayed and tricked.i know that it is completely stupid that i feel this way and i am trying not to pay any attention to this and start spiraling out over this but don't know how well it will work.I'm going out shopping or something to keep my mind from running.

i guess maybe i am needing some reassurance that my T was genuine and not trying to trick me into sharing things that are not OK,dangerous.i can't believe that i am feeling these feelings.i mean i know in my head that it was an OK session .it was safe.but I'm not trusting it.she talked to outside of the office, she doesn't do that.it set me off guard.did she do that on purpose.she is hardly ever downstairs when i show up and if for some reason she is she never says anything to me at all.this time she was even at the door ,opened it for me,said hi granite,smiled at me.said she would be right back to get me and left to her office and came back in 5 min.she was so nice to me the whole time.

i want to accept this for what it seems to be but my head is screaming DANGER,DANGER.not safe at all that i went to far.isn't this all stupid.i swear I'm just hopeless

Accept what it was for what it was. Don't let those old mistrustful tapes invade on a really good session and a really caring T. Hope you feel better.

[granite1]

i am really trying to do this i really want to keep the caring T in my head.i am trying to not stay home and obsess about it but i dont know what else to do.tapes is exactally what it is like.this isn't real.why the change.is she getting rid of me.did i say something i shouldnt have was i not careful enough.WHAT IS NEXT??.but it felt so good to be with her wednsday and i hate to loose that and will she be mean next week.will i make her mean.i mean wed she even looked physically differnt.not so scarey.like i could talk to her and .now i'm thinking how did she do that.is any of it real what about before?i dont know I'm sorry

[sittingatwatersedge]

Granite, can you get out in the sunshine - for a while - and do some gardening or something?

[granite1]

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

Granite, can you get out in the sunshine - for a while - and do some gardening or something?

it is kind of cold but i am going grocery shopping and maybe to the bookstore to look for a new journal and i am so hopping this will put a stop to this spiral.i want to ask her why the change but i bet she will think i am crazy if i did

[unaluna]

maybe she went to the bathroom?

It is probably more about your perceptions of her than it is about her actually changing, particularly physically. Maybe what happened last Wednesday was about you making progress in reaching a point of trust with her. You've been real resistant to that so far, so maybe you let your guard down and now you are second guessing yourself.

[FourRedheads]

Oh my gosh, granite, I get this. I truly do. The anger and defiance before session, the feelings if betrayal, the DANGER warnings. I really, really get this. Wow.

I think going to the bookstore is a great idea.

[2or3things]

Originally Posted by farmergirl

It is probably more about your perceptions of her than it is about her actually changing, particularly physically. Maybe what happened last Wednesday was about you making progress in reaching a point of trust with her. You've been real resistant to that so far, so maybe you let your guard down and now you are second guessing yourself.

What Farmergirl said!

I think you and T both know that you have a difficult time trusting. And I think she's smart enough to know that if she did anything to be tricky or manipulative, your trust would be ruined. She wants to help you, so why would she do that?

I think the more focused we get on ourselves (either because we're thinking we're messed up, or thinking we need to hide from other people or whatever), the more we assume that what other people do is directly about us/in reaction to us/whatever. I know for myself that sometimes if there's any way to read someone else's behavior as related to me in some way, I'll find it!.

Just a thought. But my biggest thought right now is, "Granite, it was a good session. Please, please, please just remember that and let the rest go if you can."

[Chopin99]

Originally Posted by farmergirl

It is probably more about your perceptions of her than it is about her actually changing, particularly physically. Maybe what happened last Wednesday was about you making progress in reaching a point of trust with her. You've been real resistant to that so far, so maybe you let your guard down and now you are second guessing yourself.

This. Exactly.

Glad you're going to get out. Sometimes it does help get your mind off things.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by granite1

.i want to ask her why the change but i bet she will think i am crazy if i did

You're allowed to ask questions!

[granite1]

i went and got my hair cut i like it.i got 3 new winter jackets,one leather,one wool dress jacket and a parker all for only $40.so i would say for the most part i have had an ok day but it is now night time and the thoughts are creeping back in so going to take my pills and go to sleep.

CANT i would love to feel safe to ask her but i doubt i will but who knows.i have this huge pull to be able to share some of my past with her but i havnt figured out how to do this and have it be ok i dont even know how to begin

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by granite1

i went and got my hair cut i like it.

I know women who do their own hair before they go to the hairdresser. "I don't want my hairdresser to think I have bad hair."

Is that you?

[granite1]

lol nope not at all.i hate doing my hair in fact she told me today to call her if i want her to show me how to use a hair dryer to style my hair a bit LOL no hint there

Whenever I have a session when I feel somewhat close or trusting toward my therapist, I can pretty much bank on feeling a swing to the opposite extreme. I find myself pushing her away and believing that she really doesn't care and she can't possibly like me. I find myself trying to convince myself (pretty easy to do initially) that any positive comments or approach from her was untrue and a ploy. I'd push her away and convince myself that she really didn't care about me! I'd tell myself that she really can't like me! I'm a pain! I"m a bother. She must be disgusted with me and my neediness!" Over time, I've learned that this is me! It is inside my head and it's my distortion of any attempt I have to get close to anyone.Hang in there, the words racing around in your head aren't true and they aren't reality. They are there to keep you stuck and confined behind a wall.

My heart goes out to you so much. I am not good at words though. Thinking of you. You're NOT hopeless.

Thinking of you.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by granite1

lol nope not at all.i hate doing my hair in fact she told me today to call her if i want her to show me how to use a hair dryer to style my hair a bit LOL no hint there

Now I have to apologize because I manipulated you. I had an agenda.

To me, "not wanting my T to think I am crazy" is the same sort of thing as "not wanting my hairdresser to think I have bad hair."

You're not afraid or ashamed to admit to your hairdresser that you need help.
I hope that one day you will see your T in the same way.

[Sannah]

Granite, this just sounds like a part of your lack of trusting. The way that you grew up with the mother, why should you trust anyone? If we can't trust our own mothers, who can we trust?

You will learn eventually to learn to trust if you keep working granite. What you are experiencing right now is part of the process of getting there.

[granite1]

i am scared about tomorrow.if i don't talk what will she do.i have been working really hard at trying to talk every sesssion.i feel i owe her this for changing my day .so i talk about small things and it seems ok.i want to say to her ,you know eventually i am going to screw this all up and please don't believe this is all ok because it isn't and i am a bomb ready to go off and you wont know what hit you.I'M SCARED

i'm terrified of expectations. if i don't talk at all she can't be mad when i can't answer her or talk to her about stuff.

[rainbow8]

Then SAY it!

i want to say to her ,you know eventually i am going to screw this all up and please don't believe this is all ok because it isn't and i am a bomb ready to go off and you wont know what hit you.I'M SCARED

That would be so helpful if you could tell her the above, just like you wrote it!