Wanting T to be horrible

This week part of me has wanted T to hurt me, in my "fantasy" it was physical, but I think T being really angry would have satisifed that bit of me too.

I didn't talk to T about it, one of the reasons being because I just found it so confusing and it seemed to come out of the blue. Just wondered if anyone else had experienced this?

I never fantisize for physical hurt, but psychological hurt, I was waiting, hoping, praying, for it. I wanted my therapist to yell at me : get out of here , or, you are just %$^&* stupid...
But I never discuss it with her, so I know how you feel, but I don't have any advice.
I wish I had talked to her about it as it was a recurring thought.
Carla

I have, Soup, and just this week. I'm in my third month with a new T, & it's beginning to get uncomfortable. I'm aware of that much. I can't fully connect with all of it yet. But I had a flash of his grabbing my arm as I was leaving yesterday, grabbing it in a hurtful way--& except for an occasional handshake, he's never touched me.

The really odd thing was that I think I welcomed it before it startled & disturbed me. Now I'm just trying to sort things out. I don't know yet whether I'll bring it up with T--won't see him for two weeks now.

I will if you do and then we can compare answers (no seriously, I know we are all responsible for ourselves and what we choose to raise)

It is odd because I do trust him - well my head does, maybe there are some other layers there that haven't been unearthed yet.

I have wondered whether somewhere in my brain something is trying to recreate previous relationships (not that I can recall ever being hit), but one of passivity.

Or whether it would give me an excuse to terminate.

I am just not sure

Thanks, Carla, I am assuming from your post that you do not see her now? If I do manage to raise it with my T (don't hold your breath though) and I get any response, will let you know. Soup

Yup, I even told her on many occasions that I wanted her to hurt/attack me. Part of this was repetition compulsion wanting to recreate the dynamics I was use too. Part of it was wanting the feelings inside to be acted out, to be projected, to see T angry instead of me having to carry it.

In addition, maybe it would give you some interpersonal distance that you would be more comfortable with?

Sometimes I think a good spanking would do much to clear the air between us.

Yes I think this too. I wonder why?

sometimes I want my T to throw rocks at me or push me down the stairs.

but she doesnt, and then i realize I trust her...little by little.

I only felt similar when I went into my session with clear intentions of starting a fight with my T for no good reason. He disarmed my anger immediately and laughed when I told him what I had been planning to do. I still don't know why I wanted to start a fight with him that day. It was pretty out of the blue.

It always makes me happy to see people who are so close with their Ts
You guys seem real close ^_^

I one time pictured my T throwing some items from her desk at me...cuz I wanted her to be like everyone else in my life.

i don't think i want my T to hurt me but i have had a dream once that she was holding me down when someone else from my past was hurting me .no i never told her.don't think i ever will

Yup, have felt that way. Have had abuse in my past. Don't know what it is all about. Never told anyone.

I have wanted the therapist to do something wrong enough to justify me unleashing unrestrained rage at them. I usually want to hurt the therapist rather than vice versa.
The spanking thing is interesting.

Where I grew up, punishment was the only path to forgiveness.

That- or the only form of 'love' as I understood it.

Sad- huh?

I went through a whole conversation with my T last week about wanting her to be angry with me. A few nights ago I had a dream that she was beating on me and I was flinching in the same way I would when I was a kid with my mom.

At first I didn't really understand why I wanted her to be angry with me, but I think my experience echoes a lot of other people's here. I wanted her to "validate," or agree with the anger I feel toward myself. It feels much more congruent to have the outside match the inside. And I wanted to project some of the anger I feel toward myself onto her, so I didn't have to carry it. And there was a repetition compulsion aspect to it too - at least I'm used to anger and know how to handle it.

In part I also have been incredulous at the idea that she might NOT be angry with me, given what I feel is "bad" behavior on my part - excessive needs for contact, excessive desires, etc. She asked what it's been like to receive her non-angry responses. I told her that they mess with my head. I think she thought in a good way, in the sense that she is providing evidence that my behaviors, feelings, and thoughts don't necessarily elicit anger in others. But after reading the shame and attachment article that was listed earlier, it makes more sense to me why it doesn't always feel good to have her react to me in a non-angry way, because it's so incongruent with my inner experience.

I still don't know what to do with all of it, but I do think it was helpful to talk with her about it. I'd encourage you to share your thoughts, SD.

I've never wanted my T to be horrible, but I keep expecting him to be, and he's not. It's reassuring but confusing at the same time.

I've felt that I'm bad and want my T to punish me, usually by spanking me. I don't think I got spanked when I was a child. I was good. Sometimes I wish I were bad because you get more attention.

For me, the idea is punishment can lead to a lowering of anxiety because the chaos can come back under control, but there is no forgiveness. It just stopped the awful waiting to see what they would do to you for that time.
But for me, I am the punisher, not the t. The t does not enter into it like that for me, but sometimes, the urge to punish myself comes from the rage and frustration I feel at the therapist or therapy, and the rage can be quelled some if I do so.

Excellent self-awareness. I hadn't got that far, but it's certainly worth thinking about.