[delicatefade26]

Triggers for Sui


I have been struggling with sui thoughts and even thinking I need to go to the hospital...as I have been searching for ways and plans that would really work-my T knows this-last session we talked a lot about it and he asked if the hospital was the best place I said no-and we contracted for safety...so I was struggling with going to my session on Monday-but then decided I should..so I sent T this:
I would like to keep my session for Monday...I'm still in a bad space mentally and spiritually...they say the worst time to enter a psych ward is weekends...so I'll just promise to stay safe this weekend unless it gets real bad...I'm not going to stay alone...see you Monday T...

He wrote back "Ok"

It set me off-I wrote back "F Uck you T, you will never see me again"

T wrote back: Delicate, I was in a rush. I simply can't respond to every email as thoughtfully as I would like to. I am sorry for that and sorry if that sent the wrong message. Do you still want to keep your appoinment for Monday?

So now I don't know what to do...my emotions are everywhere and I don't know what I want anymore...or even what to say to T if I were to write back...bleh : (

[skysblue]

Delicate - I would have reacted the way you did. It seems insensitive for your T to have replied with just one word. Your feelings are valid.

Still, I don't think that's a reason to cancel your appointment. Don't use his response as an excuse to sabotage your health. You're fragile now and it's more important than ever that you keep safe by continuing to work with your T.

Simply cut and paste what you typed to us up there and e-mail that to your therapist ... Also confirm that you'd like to keep Monday's appointment ... And assure them that if you do get worse over the weekend you'll call them and make arrangements to be admitted to the hospital ...

Sorry you're in this space right now ... It's really a stinkin' rotten place to be ...

I can only say that it does get better ... It just takes time ...

Also whoever or whatever has pushed you to this point ... Please don't let them win ... Okay?

Sincerely,
BrokenCloud

[Perna]

I'd take a cue from your signature and accept his apology and just answer, "Yes," (be queen of the one-word answers :-) and go discuss the whole emotions-everywhere thing tomorrow.

You told him what you were wanted and were going to do and he responded, as in, "Okay, got it, see you Monday, that's good, I agree." That he apologized for not being able to take the time to respond more fully the first time and expressed his sorrow if you took that the wrong way and still wants to see you tomorrow; I'd accept that and go from there.

It kind of reminds me of the Progresso soup commercial?

Just email back and say see you Monday.

[anilam]

I too would suggest you should mail him back ASAP. He might take you'll never see me again as a SUI threat and act on it...
BTW my T is a master of short answers. I get YES/NO answers all the time and boy, it can be annoying.

Hope you'll keep yourself safe. Hugs.

[delicatefade26]

I don't want to see T again...I'm so over this life...I wish there were an easy way to leave-I think I will wait til I graduate-but then I will escape...I'm thinking of going out to the ocean at night-swimming as far as I can-and weigh myself down...I wonder how long people will keep thinking im ok...I'm a great actress sometimes...ohh maybe I'm just another drama queen...bpd at its finest...all talk..well maybe not one day

Delicatefade, I've tried what you're talking about. It doesn't work. I was underwater, fading fast and my will to live came through and I fought my way to the surface with a fight and determination I never thought existed inside of me. Look, I truly understand the desire to "just give up" ... "that no one understands" . .. "why keep struggling". But you know what? It truly gets better (I'm not saying shooting stars wonderful but better) You just need to stick with your therapist and keep working.

I wish I could say that our therapists can be the end all to be all. .. they that always know how to support and love us through every crisis. .. .they can't.. .. they are human. But if you have one that is willing to stay still and calm in the midst of our storm, then they are worth going back to! Yep, he wasn't the perfect parent when he just responded "Ok" . .. he made a mistake. But that doesnt' mean he doesn't care or isn't invested in you. Give him a chance. Go back and tell him how much it hurt to hear the "Ok."

When we are this hurt we whirl backward into childhood when a parent should have been more caring and comforting. Sometimes our therapists forget that, they get it wrong . .. or perhaps they realize that they can't be the parent that wasn't there. What ever the case, go back and try again. I promise you it will be worth the pain and effort!

[WantingtoHeal]

Oh Delicate, I am so sorry you are feeling so badly. I so understand feeling suicidal and then getting those one word emails. Gosh, they suck big time. Please see your T on Monday. It's very important. I'm trying to make it through this weekend too. It's hard, I know.

I never understood the one word responses until I worked my last job. I was so unbelievably busy with unrealistic demands and people whose lives literally depended on me. Lunch was a 10 minute luxury and so was going to the bathroom. I would lose my temper by the end of the day and I could see the hurt in their eyes. It just killed me. It wasn't their fault at all - it was the unreal demands of the job. It reminded me of how I felt with some of the responses I had received from therapists. I didn't mean it, I was just exhausted and it came out.

I hope you feel better soon.

Originally Posted by delicatefade26

wow thanks jaybird...I don't have the energy to really respond how I should-but I appreciate your words-it hit something deep in me...I'll stick around for another night...

No need for "shoulds", Delicatefade Just hang in there, kiddo and stick in there for as long as it takes . .. sometimes it's longer than we want it to be, but it's still worth it in the end. I'm glad you have a committed therapist, someone who gets it wrong sometimes, but basically cares (and is willing to admit when he gets it wrong) and someone who wants to help! Keep us posted on how things are going!

[delicatefade26]

I just wrote him "no" in response to if I wanted to keep my appointment Monday...I think I'm going to find a new T...

Originally Posted by delicatefade26

I just wrote him "no" in response to if I wanted to keep my appointment Monday...I think I'm going to find a new T...

Sounds like a completely rash reaction that you will probably regret later. Making important decisions when we are in a highly emotionally charged and unstable state of mind is generally a bad move. Go see your T on Monday and allow him to help you work through this state you are in. He does care and will completely understand. Just send him a quick email telling him you have decided to keep your appointment.

I think that Farmergirl's suggestion is a good one. Moving on to another therapist never really works when we're disappointed or angry about one inadequate response. It's just moving on to a new place where we replay the old themes and tapes from out past. I hope you're able to give it one more try, Delicatefade . .. believing in our heart of hearts that our therapists will come and rescue us from our wildness never really works. . . it just leaves us alone again in our pain.

I hope you're able to send him another email and say that you want to come and talk. If it isn't helpful then you can always move on and find a new therapist. Hope tonight is peaceful.

[stopdog]

Good luck. I did walk out on one t and never looked back. It can work out.