things fall apart

I'm sorry I haven't been around lately. Life has been complicated, and I'm having a hard time finding my way back to where I was.

I've fallen into some old, bad "coping behaviors" and that hasn't helped...although I'm trying to find my way back out.

But something happened in the past 24 hours that I think may have finally been the nail in the coffin for my therapy. I have been working SO HARD since the beginning of the year to find a way to make therapy work in spite of some things that have come up and completely derailed it...but something happened yesterday that I think finally pushed me to the point where I CAN'T DO IT. Something that made me question my entire connection with T, whether it was ever real in the first place, whether he even believes in me and my story, everything.

I called to leave him a message this morning and I ended up literally in tears, SCREAMING "I f***ing QUIT". OMG.

I don't know what's going to happen. But wow.

I'm just lost.

I'm so sorry night sky. I'm so glad you reached out here for support. It is good to see you.

Would it help to share what happened?

This is a time when you really need a T. I'm sorry that you have lost the connection with this one. I guess there is no way to repair it/talk with T about it?

Please post as you need to.

You know who you might be comfortable talking with more about this, nightsky. I really encourage you to work on this with those very few people you feel closest to. How about a closed chat? Maybe just being together, remembering things together, trying to connect some dots. I don't know what's up with T, but Ts can mess up--the thing it to not let it spread to you. IDK what's up, but you are top priority. Your oldest, dearest friends from PC could help you talk care of you now. I'm a new friend, but I've seen your old friends & some are wise.

Just a thought.

Lots of hugs. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

oh i'm so sorry im here if you want to share

((((nightsky)))) im so sorry to hear you are having such a hard time

I'm sorry, nightsky. I've missed you but was hoping you were doing okay and just taking a break.

This is just my opinion, but I think your relationship with your T is too deep and special to be severed. Whatever happened will be worked out. Even though we can't know what goes in your sessions because we aren't there, your descriptions have been so vivid that I KNOW without a doubt that your T believes in you and that your connection with him is very real.

I trust that he will get you to see that.

(((((nightsky)))))

(((((Nightsky)))))

I was pleased to see your name under a thread but so, so sorry this has happened with your T. Only you can really know if the relationship is redeemable but there are lovely people here who are more than happy to lend a listening ear and want to see you ok. We'll listen if you feel you want to share. In the meantime, sending you lots of hugs

I am so sorry this has happened and I want you to know that I am thinking of you....

Awwww nightsky. I'm sorry you are going through such a tough time- especially for such a long period of time. It's really hard to keep good feelings about our T's and remember good things about them when we've been struggling for such a long time- and when that happens and our closest relationship let's us down (more than once I'm sure) it becomes easier for us to slip into those bad, but familiar coping skills we've relied on in the past. Somehow, as bad as they are, they are comforting to us in some way and we so desperately need that comfort that we'll do anything to get it.

I'm glad you're reaching out here though- it shows that you still have a still a will and hope. Hang in there nightsky. You have a load of friends here who are willing and standing by to help in any way that we can.

T hasn't contacted me. I wouldn't either. I mean, I literally SCREAMED into my phone.

I told him I would be there at 4 to pick up the things in my file that are MINE and my box on his desk. I told him to leave them on the microwave. I'll go a little after 4 so he'll be in session.

I finally took some klonopin. Wish I could take all of it. But I can't.

This is such a shocking turn of events. I remember how much you said you and T shared a love - a love very deep. What in the world happened?

my heart goes out to you so so much. I understand what it is like to wonder if the connection with T was ever real, if the love/care was real.......but you know what, even though I don't have the T I loved so much anymore and it didn't end well, I firmly believe the connection/care/nurturing WAS real, WAS special and I choose to hold on to that. and I am very certain from what I remember of you posting in the last year of the things that you and your T shared that you did have a real, a deep, a special connection, an honest, loving relationship ....... I can't know what happened, of course, but I also can't help but wonder if the connection isn't really still there, underneath whatever has been happening now and if you and he couldn't find it again. but what makes my heart ache for you is that it would end this way....I know the pain of bad endings and the wounds left by them.....and how hard it is to look past that and remember the good. but the good is there and your ending need not be like this, my dear! many many many hugs....remember you are loved.

If he hasn't contacted you he may not have listened to your message yet or just not contacted you yet and/or you may show up and there will be no things ready to pick up; I kind of doubt you'll get off that easy with "do this" and his doing it?

nightsky

I don't know whether 4pm has come & gone for you by now, or what.
Please take care of yourself. you are loved!

This sounds really awful for you to be going through

I'm hoping things work out the way you really want them to. I hope you have some more time with T because this is a hard way to end things, for both of you.

I'm thinking of you, too

"Over the years, some of my triggers have definitely definitely gone away. Others are still here, and sometimes new ones surprise me.
For me, as I worked through the triggers, they diminished."

-- Nightsky

Sounds a very painful time for you. I hope T is able to help you through.

I am seeing him at 10 I printed a bunch of stuff to read to him.

I just don't know if we can find our way OUT of this. It's so bad.

(((nightsky)))) im so sorry you are hurting so badly! i will be praying for you today! i hope you are able to find some resolution and peace!

I have a lot of stuff at my T's office, too. like 2 piles, 2 feet high. how does this happen??! I hope all goes well.

let us know how is goes, Ill be thinking of you as well.

thinking of you Nightsky!

(((((((((((((Nightsky)))))))))))

I am so sorry you are in so much pain. I wish there was something I could do to help you get to the other side of it. This sounds like you have lost a connection to your T. I hope that you session today gives you some peace. Please take care of yourself as best as you can.