Feel broken

I posted a few days ago because my T had called me at home for the first time and it meant so much to me, although what I thought was her display of caring left me feeling scared of getting used to it or depending on it too much.

Now it's become obvious to me that she only rang out of a sense of duty. There are circumstances going on with me right now and T rang because she needed to check I had done what I needed to do. That was it. She hadn't called out the blue to voice her care and concern.

I rang her yesterday because I was struggling emotionally and she had previously said it was okay to ring. But the call felt different to the one where she had called me.It seemed she couldn't wait to get me off the phone. It felt rushed, she wasn't as supportive or reassuring. That was when I realised she had not called me to show her care, she had called to ensure I was practically doing what i need to do at the moment.

I am left feeling childish, rejected, broken. It was so nice that she called..now it is all clear to me.

I feel angry with her. I don't trust her anymore. I wanted so much to believe that she cared and it was a wonderful thing to be thinking of me, to RING me, but all along it was her duty to do so.

I don't know what to do now. I feel like it has all been a lie. I've always been someone to adovocate the genuineness of therapy but now I'm distrusting my own.

I rang my T once and her voice was so different to what I was imagining would be like before I called. I felt all the feelings you describe here. But its not a B/W thing, there's a middle ground that needs to be established and establishing that is hard. Once its been established, and this can take some time, then what's caring and what's emeshment and codepency become clear. its hard for me it felt like being dragged through the mud learning what was healthy caring and what was counter productive.

My T is always different on the phone even though she allows outside contact. Shes Short with me, cold, and basically give me some textbook support instead of her normal warm responses like she does in session. I realized that me contacting her doesn't serve me because I can't get what I need in the context of a text or phone call. I think I was expecting more like what I get in sessions, but I lowered my expectations and realized its just not possible because we aren't in session. Once I changed my thinking about how the phone calls should go, my anger at T went away and now I rarely ever feel need to contact her, unless it's for scheduling. But, that's just the way I see it.

((((Dreamy))))

I don't have anything very wise to say except that I imagine sometimes a phone call is a bit like getting an email or text - in that there is a different tone to their 'voice'. I suppose it could be easy for them to sound distracted, they're not 'in the room' fully with you, or to sound just different, we all sound a bit different on the phone. And it's hard to guage warmth with no eye contact.

My heart goes out to you though, I know if it was me I would react in the same way.

Well, if you just look at these two sentences, which are straight from your post, we can think that when she called you, she had the time for the call, but when you called her, she wasn't exactly free to talk, but she wanted to make sure you were relatively okay. I don't know if we can say whether she called "out of the blue" - this would be something to talk to her about, how that makes you feel to receive a call like that, what your expectations are of people - for example, one time, when I was seeing my t/pdoc who works in my apartment complex, I was driving into the complex as he was leaving, we were at the stoplight nearby. We saw each other. I told him, and my current T, that was the moment I realized that I want someone WHO FALLS OUT OF HIS CAR when he sees me like that, he is so startled and thrilled and happy and in love! (That's not asking too much, is it? ) I mean, I really did half-expect him to fall out of his car, and WAS a little disappointed at his total nonreaction in comparison! I wonder what movie planted that picture in my mind?! But even these sorts of half-true fantasies can help our T's help us.

Be wary of your own desires and imagination about other people; the split and break is all in your own head, scripted by your own imagination. You have decided why she called and what she felt and how it all plays out and she has had no input whatsoever. Consequently, you have orchestrated your own feeling of brokenness.

Why not stay with the nice feeling of her having called; whatever her own reason was for calling; it felt good to you! At that moment, you enjoyed hearing from her. If you only enjoy hearing from someone because they call out of the blue; that's being a bit controlling of others isn't it? How can they know to call you and how can you be the judge of why they called you and how can one's motives be only one thing or another (either out of the blue or deliberate due to duty); I don't know about you but my feelings are often all over the place with lots of input from all directions; wanting something, feeling I "should" do it; all at once. Do you suppose your T had a note on her schedule, "Call Dreamy at 4:32 p.m. and pretend to care"?

Then there's the other note in her Day Timer, "Pretend to be busy and sound abrupt and businesslike to get Dreamy off the phone sooner".

I might have said "the split and break may be all in your own head..." and that it is worth thinking about that.

Thanks for the replies everyone. I guess it's a very painful time for me at the moment.

It is hard to put across without disclosing everything going on (which I don't want to do) but T COULD have phoned to check something without necessarily calling to see how I am per sae. In this case, that distinction could exist.

I'm not controlling - friends mean just as much to me whether they call me or I call them. Maybe I am extra sensitive re T though. It didn't help I spoke to my mother yesterday and she couldn't wait to get me off the phone.

I guess I may just be reading too much into this and she came across differently on the phone. Maybe she was busy or in the middle of family time. Who knows. It's just hard.

I'm sorry Dreamy. I know I haven't posted that much but I just wanted to say that I feel for you. I've felt very confused and felt very hurt over similar things with my T.

I haven't figured it out yet....but apparently some of it must just be this elusive thing about T's....When I get a satisfactory answer for it in plain english from my T....I'll remember to let you know

No, I would bet big bucks that did not help at all. The difference in my progress in therapy these past 2 and a half years since I cut off constant communication with my mother, compared to my previous 30 years in therapy, is HUGE. If not to say, ridiculous. I need a !

Can only be "may be" if the other person has ever been involved to confirm that there is a split/break. If, beginning to end, the thoughts take place in our own head, the other person we feel split/broken by does not even know what we are thinking, much less agree with our judgment of what they were thinking/feeling, it's all ours. The other person always gets to be in charge of what they are thinking/feeling; our opinion is our opinion and about us, not them; we can never get inside their heart or mind, have to accept their word.

Is that why you said it IS in their own head -- you were inside it?

i hope you are going to see her soon and will be able to tell her how you felt about the call.hopefully she will ask you how you felt about calling her. then you will have a chance to tell her how you felt it was different.maybe work out your ideas of phone etiquette.I'm sorry this call left you feeling so bad when it should have helped you.pleas let t know how it felt