[mixedup_emotions]

T mentioned in my last session that I seemed angry with him at the end of group T the other day. He said that I had an angry look on my face and didn't say goodbye. At that moment, I wasn't sure what that was about, although I recalled feeling frustrated at the end of the session.

I gave it more thought....and then sent him this email:

"After our session on Thursday, what you said about me seeming angry with you at the end of Tuesday’s group stuck with me. It wasn’t until last night that I realized what that was about.

Towards the end of the session, you were supportive of (group member) and put your hand on his arm. I thought to myself, “that would never be me”, stirring up feelings of jealousy, sadness…and generating thoughts of how repulsive and unlovable I am.

Throughout the night, I kept recalling times when I was a young child…and my sister would gain my parents affection so easily. When she cried, they were attentive and caring. When I cried, most times they became angry.

After a particularly painful incident when I was 7, I had to get stitches on my face and mouth. I begged to have my mom stay in the room with me, but she didn’t want to. I was kicking and screaming while being held down by several doctors and nurses, so they could stitch me up…and I had no support with me at all.

I would beg my parents not to make me go outside to play when certain kids were around, telling them that they hurt me. My parents would insist that I needed to go outside and play and to stop complaining – or else. At times, I came home crying, and they would get angry and abusive. After a while, the crying stopped…the begging stopped. I stopped caring. I came to accept it.

When I married ex-husband, I found that he had an ulterior motive for his support. When I called him, hysterically crying when my dad died, he didn’t even leave work to be with me at the hospital. When he did, finally, offer some comfort to me later that evening, he made it clear by his predatory actions that it was merely a means of foreplay. I was beyond disgusted.

This leaves me so confused about what I want and need…and what’s safe and unsafe...and what’s truly genuine. It also leaves me continuously punishing myself whenever I feel anything even remotely close to being a desire for gentle caring, overwhelmed by a dangerous rage."

T responded that it was powerful insight and that I worked hard on this.

I said that I wasn't sure that the awareness is helpful, though. I have very little confidence in the idea of this changing, leaving me wanting to learn to not have those needs and just accepting that being alone is the end of the road, which is at least better than being with damaging people.

He said that if I'm able to figure that out, then I will have done what others haven't been able to do.

*sigh*

I feel so complicated. I want to feel cared for....but I'm scared to death of it. In my 37 years on this earth, I've experienced an abusive childhood, multiple csa, a sexually and mentally abusive husband for 14 years and controlling, unhealthy friends.

Instead of working on the fear, I'd rather work towards eliminating the desire to be cared for. Then, I can be alone - not risk getting hurt anymore - and be content and satisfied with that.

Unrealistic?

[Perna]

Yes, as your T said, if you are able to figure out how to eliminate your desire to be cared for, you will have done what others have not been able to do (and will not be happy or healthy as we need our feelings and desires in order to live).

How about sort of compromising and learning to care for yourself better? If you care for yourself, you won't let others hurt you in the first place and will be able to tell the difference between those who would use/hurt you for their own ends with those who would love and care for you because they love and care for you! That's what "love" means.

[Dreamy01]

I'm sorry you have experienced so much hurt and pain in your life by the people you trusted to take care of you. It is hardly surprising that feel life would be easier and more bearable without the desire to be cared for.

I wonder, though, if eliminating that need would be throwing the baby out with the bath water?

You have clearly experienced a lot of bath water. But the baby is still there too. I don't obviously mean a literal baby but the part of everyone that needs support and care. I believe it's a universal human need to give and receive care and you would be avoiding so much that is positive and good.

The relationship with your T sounds really positive. I wonder if over time you will experience more love and care for yourself and eventually that will transfer to your new relationships. It is so true that we each choose people who mirror where we're at and where our issues are. This doesn't mean blame...it's simply how it is. Once you have found a new sense of love and care for yourself and from T, you may find you can attract people who really do care for you.

Sadly, by shutting yourself off from care, as tempting as this is, you are really missing out on a lot.

From my experience the change has to come from within first. Then we are in a positon to make healthier choices of relationship.

Good luck!

[mixedup_emotions]

Thanks for the feedback.

I don't know. T knows that I'm having trouble with feelings of attachment...and I am really struggling with it. Having the feelings and wanting them to go away. Pushing them away.

Sure, it may be a useful tool in therapy....but it's painful and embarrassing. Real feelings in a "made up" circumstance. The painful truth about the client/therapy relationship. And it sucks.

T is a professional, helping to create a safe environment for me. But that safe environment is a pretend land purely for discovery and experimental purposes.

I imagine him thinking, "I need to create an environment where MUE feels cared for and safe, so that we can work on X, Y, Z....Thank goodness I'm getting paid for this fairytale."

BLECH.

I know I'm rambling and am probably making no sense whatsoever....but it's where I am at the moment.

I feel like I was better off when I was unaware....

mue, I also asked my T to help me stop WANTING things. That really seems to be the solution to me. He told me that for me to stop wanting things at this point would require heroin. I also feel like I was better off when I just thought having someone actually love and support me was just NOT one of the possibilities.

That was a really long way of say, "me too." not sure how helpful it was. sorry.

[SpiritRunner]

I know I also said to my 2nd T several times, how it would be nice if we either didn't need attachments or if the hurt/fear of having them could be totally removed ..... a detached sort of thing, no risk/no pain. She thinks the thing I really fear though is not so much the attachment itself, but the thought of facing the loss of it....or the loss of the person, by whatever means, death, rejection, etc ......
Vulnerability/trusting can be a scary risk ...... and when you've made that risk and been badly hurt, it can sure make you question why you'd want to take that risk again, or why you even feel the need of connection/attachment when there is the risk. I guess it might be easier to deny the need ...... but is that really going to make the need go away ...... there's also a great emotional/psychological risk in denying the need, trying to eliminate the desire for caring/connection, retreating from it. The need for connection is a very basic human thing, for the most part, so it's hard to actually remove ........ and, as I can tell you, it really is painful to even try; it's less painful to accept the need and learn healthy ways to seek it, have it, nourish it.
I do like what Perna suggested, about learning to care for yourself ...... that is really the way toward being able to have healthy connections with genuinely caring people. Learning to accept and love yourself is so key; it's like making a good connection with yourself. And when you love and accept yourself, you respect yourself, your needs, your desires ...... and you can be drawn to healthier people who know how to have healthier, caring connections....you deserve that! You deserve to give that gift to yourself, and you deserve to have healthy, healing connection. T really can help you with that ......

[ECHOES]

(((mue))) I, too, wonder if the longing will ever go away. For me, I don't care if it does seem illogical and impossible and immature, etc., I still long for it. Even when I have times of being happy and content, it comes back and I can think of little else. I wonder how this will ever get worked out, or do I just "stop wanting that". I'm feeling like there is no answer to it. "Stop wanting that" was the answer for a long time, because it was the only answer. So now I am more aware of it, and more aware in general of things, and there it is hanging around like a tease.

Sorry to go off on my own story there. What you said, and said so well, is something I can really relate to. I am positive I would have had the same reaction you did about your T touching a person in the group.

I hope there is an answer. Besides awareness, because I agree - it isn't enough.

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by My kids are cool

mue, I also asked my T to help me stop WANTING things. That really seems to be the solution to me. He told me that for me to stop wanting things at this point would require heroin. I also feel like I was better off when I just thought having someone actually love and support me was just NOT one of the possibilities.

That was a really long way of say, "me too." not sure how helpful it was. sorry.

I'm sorry you feel the same way....but it's a relief to know that I am not alone. (( HUGS ))

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by SpiritRunner

I know I also said to my 2nd T several times, how it would be nice if we either didn't need attachments or if the hurt/fear of having them could be totally removed ..... a detached sort of thing, no risk/no pain. She thinks the thing I really fear though is not so much the attachment itself, but the thought of facing the loss of it....or the loss of the person, by whatever means, death, rejection, etc ......
Vulnerability/trusting can be a scary risk ...... and when you've made that risk and been badly hurt, it can sure make you question why you'd want to take that risk again, or why you even feel the need of connection/attachment when there is the risk. I guess it might be easier to deny the need ...... but is that really going to make the need go away ...... there's also a great emotional/psychological risk in denying the need, trying to eliminate the desire for caring/connection, retreating from it. The need for connection is a very basic human thing, for the most part, so it's hard to actually remove ........ and, as I can tell you, it really is painful to even try; it's less painful to accept the need and learn healthy ways to seek it, have it, nourish it.
I do like what Perna suggested, about learning to care for yourself ...... that is really the way toward being able to have healthy connections with genuinely caring people. Learning to accept and love yourself is so key; it's like making a good connection with yourself. And when you love and accept yourself, you respect yourself, your needs, your desires ...... and you can be drawn to healthier people who know how to have healthier, caring connections....you deserve that! You deserve to give that gift to yourself, and you deserve to have healthy, healing connection. T really can help you with that ......

Thanks for the feedback. I've been spending the last 3 years working on ME, and although I've gone through the motions of eliminating the unhealthy people in my life - it's left me so incredibly alone. I went from having a husband, close family and close friends....to having none of those things.

When people asked me in the past if I started dating yet, my response was that I wasn't ready. I need to work on ME. But I feel like this is one area that will be a steady constant....that I am too fearful. And it is so ingrained in me to feel unlovable, repulsive, ugly, etc. that I don't know how that could ever change.

I guess I still have a long way to go. *sigh*

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by ECHOES

(((mue))) I, too, wonder if the longing will ever go away. For me, I don't care if it does seem illogical and impossible and immature, etc., I still long for it. Even when I have times of being happy and content, it comes back and I can think of little else. I wonder how this will ever get worked out, or do I just "stop wanting that". I'm feeling like there is no answer to it. "Stop wanting that" was the answer for a long time, because it was the only answer. So now I am more aware of it, and more aware in general of things, and there it is hanging around like a tease.

Sorry to go off on my own story there. What you said, and said so well, is something I can really relate to. I am positive I would have had the same reaction you did about your T touching a person in the group.

I hope there is an answer. Besides awareness, because I agree - it isn't enough.

I find myself becoming angry with the idea of therapy....There's nothing like it in the world.....

I was in group T tonight, and I couldn't even look at my T. I barely said two words and couldn't wait to get out of there. I just wasn't interested in being there at all tonight.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

I feel like I was better off when I was unaware....

Let me assure you this is not the case.

METAPHOR:

When you were young, you were forced to take a wrong turning.
You have to go back before you can go forward.
But every step back takes you closer to your destination.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

1) I've gone through the motions of eliminating the unhealthy people in my life -

2) it's left me so incredibly alone. I went from having a husband, close family and close friends....to having none of those things.

3) When people asked me in the past if I started dating yet, my response was that I wasn't ready. I need to work on ME.

4) I am too fearful.

5) And it is so ingrained in me to feel unlovable, repulsive, ugly, etc. that I don't know how that could ever change.

Great outline! You are at #4 and #5 right now. Keep going!!

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

Throughout the night, I kept recalling times when I was a young child…and my sister would gain my parents affection so easily. When she cried, they were attentive and caring. When I cried, most times they became angry.

After a particularly painful incident when I was 7, I had to get stitches on my face and mouth. I begged to have my mom stay in the room with me, but she didn’t want to. I was kicking and screaming while being held down by several doctors and nurses, so they could stitch me up…and I had no support with me at all.

I would beg my parents not to make me go outside to play when certain kids were around, telling them that they hurt me. My parents would insist that I needed to go outside and play and to stop complaining – or else. At times, I came home crying, and they would get angry and abusive. After a while, the crying stopped…the begging stopped. I stopped caring. I came to accept it.

When I married ex-husband, I found that he had an ulterior motive for his support. When I called him, hysterically crying when my dad died, he didn’t even leave work to be with me at the hospital. When he did, finally, offer some comfort to me later that evening, he made it clear by his predatory actions that it was merely a means of foreplay. I was beyond disgusted.

Very insightful! Knowing what in the past effected us is very important. Now put this together with #4 and #5 and keep going!