What is a good connection?

I got the idea for this thread from Serotonin's post about whether therapy really works. Everyone said it works if you have a good connection with the t.

Does a good connection have to mean you feel comfortable having a conversation? Or can it just be that you think the t is insightful and is a good model for qualities that you're trying to work on?

I feel anxious about even casual conversation with my t- much more anxious and self conscious than I usually am with most people irl. But it seems natural that I'm going to have a hard time having a casual conversation with a t who I consider to be good at their job. Being good at their job means they will understand my weaknesses/insecurities/whatever you call them. I was going to him for a whole year and I still feel this way. How can I have a good connection if I think the therapist is good at their job? Some who I can easily chat with don't seem helpful.

This is a good question, learning1. I hope to gain some insight from answers here because I am confused also.

I don't think I had a connection of any sort with my first T. Straight up DBT/CBT stuff. I don't think I ever stepped within 5 feet of her the entire two years I saw her. She taught me some good skills that ultimately saved my life.

I suppose I felt a "connection" in what I think is a therapeutic sense with my 2nd T. I was committed to the work, she was committed to the work, I was honest with her, she was warm, supportive and encouraging. Sat side by side in two chairs slightly facing each other, quick but warm hug at the end of each session.

This round, I was a cold fish the first six months and she mirrored me. I think we found a connection during a session when we were both depressed over different things. Then I starting hearing about "attachment" and probably got too attached in that I became obsessed with the relationship itself four months ago. Now I am not obsessing about the relationship so much, but T made a statement last session that "I'm making it more than it is." I don't know how I am at this point. She's my T, not my mother, friend, lover, or savior.

Apparently I need to strike a balance somewhere between T2 and T3.

I think what makes a good connection is going to vary from person to person, because we all need something different from our therapists.

For me - having a good connection with my T means that I can trust her and that I feel like she's not judging me. A connection is when the T can read me even when I'm not able to say anything. When she knows what I'm trying to say even when I can't find the right words. When she knows when to prompt me and when to just let me be and when to extend an offer of help even if I can't ask for it. My T understands how important small successes are to me, and cheers me on. She remembers things that are important to me. She listens to me and makes me feel like we're partners in my treatment, rather than her dictating things and me just accepting them. To me...that's a good connection.

A good connection is when you, together, get the light bulb to come on

A good connection? Hmmm... when you see your T not as a person who is trained at understanding your weaknesses/insecurities but someone who wants to help you out genuinely.

I guess?

To me, connection is feeling heard and being taken seriously.

I think its a sorta inside job thingy. You can fake it that's for sure. But until I got it, I never new I wasn't getting it. But what is it? Its that being genuinely cared about. That come about after time. For me before this T I tried to get "it" immediately and because I grew up using fantasy to make up for what I wasn't getting, I continued to use fantasy. But fantays is a poor substitue for the real thing and the other person must be fully emotionally available. At first I thought T was a bit to "liberal, wishy washy" coz I'd never had an emotionally available person in my life growing up.

For me the notion of connection centers on permanence. The idea that someone is there, even when I can't see them, or aren't in their presence, just always there.

It's also about the idea that whatever comes up, it's okay. It can be dealt with. There are very few deal breakers left.

That overall this person is not only benign in nature, but good and THERE.

Thanks everyone.

Chopin, that's interesting about needing to not be too attached. I think, like you with your current t, I've always "made it [my relationships with my t's] more than it was". I haven't tried to fight it too much-- that leads to me quitting. Well, I haven't fought the amount of time I spend thinking and writing about it. When I'm actually there, I do perpetually complain therapy isn't working . Ugh. It's so confusing to know whether to fight these urges to think about therapy (and be self obsessed). But I think it's different for most people here because most people on PC have more past trauma to deal with than I do, so I don't want to lead anyone in that boat to think they're too self obsessed.

Yeah ColorBars, I guess (?). I manage to do that some... to believe he just genuinely wants to help because that's what therapists would want to do. But when I totally think of him that way, as someone who just wants to help me as an equal in figuring out what I could do to get rid of my depression, then it seems like there's not much he could do. Then I wonder if I should just quit and deal with the depression on my own. So I get stuck going in circles like that. I guess I can think of him as an equal in my head sometimes but I can't feel that way as much when I'm actually talking to him.

earthmamma, if you want to explain what you mean about using fantasy to get "it", I'm interested. Can you explain what the fantasy is? I tend to be "in my head" a lot, so I'm wondering if it's what I'm doing, but I don't quite understand you.

I know what connection is in real life and it goes okay. I can look at people I have a connection with and we can know what the other is thinking or will do and accept and go on.
I struggle with it with the therapist. I do not want one with the therapist. If I must accept I have to have one to have therapy work, then I want only enough of a connection such that the therapy will work. I guess there must be some connection I have whether I wanted it or not because when I quit I feel sort of sad and go back. Maybe I don't want to want a connection with the woman.

I find it really hard to define and it changes over time. With my previous T and my current T, I felt a connection to them as soon as I met them and it deepened over time (and continues to deepen with my current T). I saw another T for a few weeks in between those two and never really did feel a connection (which is why I no longer see her).

There was just something about both of those Ts that made me trust them enough to talk to them from the start. Something in their eyes told me I was safe there.

Wow, does that mean you were pretty comfortable to have a conversation with them right away? I guess some people can do that. Are you generally extroverted (if you don't mind me asking)?

i thought I was okay with connections irl too. At least once I get to know someone. Last session t said he thinks I have trouble with connections. I said I have a lot more trouble in therapy than in real life. He laughed and asked how I make sense of that. Ouch. I think he laughed because difficulty in therapy reflects difficulty in irl. Maybe we're just not aware of the potential for some aspects of connection irl, so we don't know what we're missing.

I'm really not generally extroverted. I was able to have conversations with both of them when we first met, but I wasn't able to talk about anything but the most superficial reasons for seeking therapy. I only saw my first T for 3 months and never did get to a point where I felt I could tell him literally anything. I knew from early on that he was going to be moving, so I didn't feel I could get as close to him.

With my current T, I do feel there's almost nothing I couldn't talk to him about. I've only seen him since January, but I know he's with me for the long haul, so I've been able to let myself deepen the connection with him. There are still a lot of things I haven't told him, but I think I'll be able to.

I think there was a big part of me that figured if I wasn't as forthcoming as possible with my current T early on, I might find myself in a situation where the T didn't feel able to deal with my issues and I'd end up getting referred. I was terrified of getting close to another T and then having to start over with someone else a third time, so I kind of forced myself to disclose a bit faster than I might otherwise have done.

My T told me we have a great therapeutic relationship and I totally agree. I think a good connection is when your T can anticapte your next move, and be prepared to handle it. When T is on the same page with you and has real empathy for your situation. A good connection is when you KNOW that they care for you specifically as a person and not a paycheck.

My T told me once " I do care about your outcome. I really want you to get better. It does make me happy to see you do well. I do feel bad when your not doing well. Your not alone, I'm here to help you find your strength."

Those comments basically concreted our connection. I think above everything you need to be able to trust each other.

That's nice lostmyway. I think my t generally cares about people and wants people to be happy. He said that and I believe him. I don't feel like he has empathy for my situation especially though. Your explanation of connection makes sense because I think feeling like he cares about my situation would make it a good connection.

I feel like he pushes me. I think this would be different for some clients since I'm mostly dealing with depression, not as much with trauma. So I guess therapists can't empathize too much or it would be supporting dysfunctional, depressed thinking. I don't know, I guess they have to balance that with everyone, but it must be a lot easier to empathize with clients who have a traumatic past.

I still think I need to be able to trust him to be on my side somehow, even if it's hard to empathize with me. Even if he's pushing or showing me something he thinks I need to change. I don't know how I can trust him to be on my side like that though. I don't know if he can be. I don't think he accepts me like that, but I try to believe that just since therapists generally want to be accepting, that at some level he probably tries to accept me. It's really hard to give him that benefit of the doubt when it seems as if he doesn't like me very much though.

For me, a good connection starts with comfort in being able to share without judgment. My T knows how to be compassionate, which I can see in her eyes, and also knows when to challenge me and call me out on my crap. She obviously didn't start out being tough, but as we've worked together and built up a trusting relationship, she has gotten tougher on me. And while I get frustrated at times, I know she's only doing it because she cares. Sometimes it hurts to hear that she's worried or concerned about when I move (I'm moving away in several months), but I appreciate her honesty and her willingness to help me. She also goes above and beyond. While firm with her boundaries, she does respond to calls/texts in the evening or on weekends when needed. She has a separate work cell, so I know that, after her work day, she only checks it once in the evening and once a day Friday-Sunday. I could go on about my T, but it comes down to her being genuine, knowledgeable, and compassionate.

[edit] Oh, and she's funny too.

i have been in therapy with the same t for a long time; lot of ruptures and repairs.

and i think it is how elliemay phrased it, you know that they are "there" safe, sane and willing to help...

Having a good connection doesn't mean therapy will always work. I think the most important factor is the willingness of the client wanting to change. If the client wants to change and the therapist is decent then you have a chance of it working.

Also, common values and mutual respect.

"Speaking the same language" is a great help.

[Taking a risk here]: I'd like to think that race, class and religion don't matter, but they probably do.

Sometimes gender, sexual orientation, language, similar histories as far as the personal issues you dealt with...

I don't know how to define it but I know my T and I have a good connection. She's willing to get close to me and I need that so that I can get close to her. She has good boundaries but she's "next to me", not "up there" somewhere. I trust her enough to tell her everything in the hope that she can help me. We have some things in common so there was a basic connection at my first session with her. I think it's also her acceptance of me and her willingness to tell me that she likes me that make for a good connection, though I know many Ts won't tell their clients directly that they like them, but you can still have a good connection.