avoiding relapse versus going into the muck

I finally wrote and e-mailed my T a story, written all in the third person, about some of the things I cannot talk about from my childhood. Well, it was the start of the story anyway. Since that time, we have talked about talking about the stuff in the e-mail once. The time after that, we mainly talked about stuff from my dad's will (treating my sisters preferentially to me), and stuff that was happening with my husband, that were contributing to my starting to feel really depressed.

I am still struggling with feelings of depression and worthlessness. I feel like I'm walking the brink of that deep dark abyss and I'm really afraid of falling in again. I wasted YEARS slogging through that misery and I really, really don't want to fall off into a big depression again. I'm still up on my feet, exercising and trying really hard to have a good attitude, but it's just such a struggle right now. I'm so tired.

I have therapy tomorrow and I don't know if I should just go ahead and talk about the ancient stuff or concentrate on fighting the depression. I KNOW what I need to do to fight the depression. Not sure there's much to talk about there. But I also know it's going to be hard and distressing to talk about the ancient stuff because it involves CSA stuff and so much shame. Not sure I'm up to addressing it still, but then again, not sure I'm ever going to be up to it.

Any advice? Just plug along with the depression stuff or dive in and try to get through the old stuff in the hopes that we get to the root of the depression stuff and eradicate it forever? IS eradicating it forever even one of the possibilities?

Both sound like legitimate topics. I think if it was me, I'd take a really close look to try to determine if I was talking about the depression to avoid talking about the story. Usually it's the stuff that I try to avoid that I most need to talk about.

I second pbutton, especially since you are on a tight timeline for your therapy. Depression is nothing to sneeze at, but this is your one shot to really address your past issues.

Whichever you choose, I'm sure it will be a valuable step forward. Good luck.

I'm sorry you're struggling, MKAC. It's really great that you started writing your story and shared it with your T!

I have no idea if this would be helpful at all, but could you write down a list of potential topics to discuss, and then when it's time for therapy, you could prioritize the list? I usually go into T with an idea of what I want to talk about, but sometimes my best sessions are when I don't overplan.

As far as eradicating the depression stuff - I know it will take time (maybe a long time!), but I can tell from your posts that you are thoughtful, intelligent, articulate and motivated. You can overcome this.

Just throwing this out there...could knowing the CSA stuff is looming out there (to be talked about soon)...be adding to your feelings of worthlessness...is there potential that talking through the CSA stuff could actually make you feel better?

I found that managing the actual session was vital for me.

As in: starting with some of the "my life right now..." in order to work in, and then ending on a note about the present and how I was going to manage the week ahead.

I found that if I ended sessions with some kind of cliff hanger it built my tension (I'm an anxiety, rather than a depression zombie)....to the point where life was fairly intolerable.

What I'm saying in my long-winded way is...a balance

i dont know what would be good to say but i do send bunches of hugs if you want them and to let you know i understand

Congratulations on writing the story and starting to delve into this difficult stuff! That's a big step right there. And you know it's going to stir up some emotions. I've heard that "depression is anger turned inward", and I would imagine there's a lot of anger in you toward what happened to you in childhood. There should be! Rather than manage the depression as a separate thing, why not focus on figuring out why you're depressed? If you can get in touch with the anger, maybe you'll feel angry instead of depressed! Truly, given my druthers, I'd rather be angry than depressed. At least I feel alive when I'm angry .....

Here's hoping you have a good session tomorrow, whatever you decide to do.

I have sent an email to the one I see that says these are what needs to be addressed. That way I did not have to get through the 20 minutes or so of crap and it could get started. For me, the worry around it and the aftermath of I wasted time again, would be worse than diving in. Not diving in seems to add stress and tension and it sort of seems like it could be for you too - it is on your mind, plaguing you. If it is too much, you can ease off, but give it a go would be my suggestion. It will not be fun, but you are not having fun now either.

The depression may well be resurfacing because you're teetering on the edge of diving into something painful. My depressive troughs are often triggered by dread. If you dig in, at least you don't have to dread it anymore.

As far as eradicating depression, I have not had success with it. It cycles, and, unfortunately, and perhaps depressingly, each major depression you have in your life puts you at a greater risk for having another one. I have, however, had success with decreasing the depth and length of my depressions. Before I started therapy, I did not know what it felt like to not be depressed at all. That was just not part of my life experience. (I guess I could have been described as dysthymic with occasional terrible periods of nearly unbearable darkness) I have since experienced some time without depression, and it's pretty sweet. If you can recognize what's happening and use your resources the severity doesn't get quite so out of hand.

I appreciate you sharing this with me, Snuff, though it is SO NOT what I wanted to hear. The last depression I came out of lasted, embarrassingly enough, fourteen years. The unbearably dark periods kind of came and went, but I really feel like I walked through life in this gloom and had a constant battle against despair. I never want to go back there again. Then again, I also don't want to have to be in therapy for the rest of my life to battle it. Maybe it is just a matter of managing it rather than conquering it though. I have read the statistics about relapse after you've had multiple bouts with depression and they're not pretty.

Thanks for the input about the dread contributing. Something to think about certainly.

it's true that even thinking about talking about the CSA makes me wanna go: But, I really am struggling against being depressed. It's not like I'm making it up (at least I don't think I am) to avoid talking about the CSA.

Ah, I'm blushing! Thank you!

I don't know if it will make me feel better. It sure SEEMS like it's going to make me feel worse, at least in the short term. On the other hand, it seems like I am never going to feel better until I deal with it somehow.

I do have anger. But I also feel worthless and ashamed. Like I am always LESS THAN other people in my life. And I'm tired of feeling that way.

Thank you to everyone for your input and support. I feel like I'm being a big pansy and making a bigger deal out of this than I should. Really, it's not that big of a deal -- what happened to me. It's not like I was raped or anything. Not sure why I can't just get over this without having to actually say gross stuff out loud. I hate being such a baby.

Having just admitting to my T that I was abused today, I may be a bit biased in my answer. However, I will say that my T did seem to think that sharing that part of my life makes a lot more of my issues make more sense to him and thinks in order to get past my anxiety and depression (which both have been terrible in the last 6 months) he seems to think I need to work through the abuse. Obviously, we are all different, but there maybe emotions tied into the abuse that are bringing you down even today.. So, maybe bringing up your csa may be a good idea.

You are not being a big pansy or baby. Do you need to go back and read what you wrote to me? I understand the "it is not like I had X happen so mine is no big deal" - I am queen of the I did not have X happen and so it is no big deal. But if it happened to your kids - would it be a big deal? Are you so much more special or odd that you are the one who should be impervious? (I mean this nicely - not meanly)(I have to say it to myself about a hundred times a day when thinking about my childhood - and sometimes I even answer yes - I am supposed to have been so odd that it did not impact me - which makes me realize just how off I am and so I go back to probably not). You can do it. You can choose to work on getting some relief - it may not be perfect and 100% all the time. But relief from how awful it is right now. And we are here supporting you.

There is a book by Robertson Davies where the protagonist is a lawyer who goes to see a therapist and he ends up writing a brief defending himself. Would something like that help?

You KNOW how much I hate having my kids dragged into it, stopdog. Lucky I like you. Thank you for the support. I am working on it. I just wish I didn't have this big internal drama about telling. I hate drama even when it's happening in my head, or in an anonymous online forum.

THAT'S IT! I need to think about myself as if I were a client, and present my own case to me, so I don't think I'm a horrible person. Thank you!

One of the things that's helping me address my CSA is talking to my T about how hard it is to talk about. We've also talked about the shame, without getting into a lot of specifics about exactly what I feel shame about. It's a way for me to start dealing with it even though I still can't bring myself to talk about the details.

Is that an approach you feel comfortable with?

That is actually what I meant when I said we were "talking about talking about it." We've been talking AROUND it for a while.

Sorry, I know I was pulling out the big guns.

Hopefully this makes up for the big gun faux pas.

Yes. I've done it. It is possible.

No meds, no depression. I'm cured.

Hi Mkac,
I think you will probably share as you are able to, at least that's what I do. You can work on both the depression and the past as you are able to do so.
I find that journaling helps me to get it all out there. Also, I record my moods and daily feelings so that I can work on cbt when I am not trying to reconcile the past.
Either way, I've been told that it takes time. I'm still early in my treatments, so I'm not sure how long it will take.
Good luck!
Bluemountains

1. Don't be like your mother. 2. Talk to him about what what you talk to us. If you're obsessing about his wife, bring it up. He is smart enough to know it's not really about her. 3. So just talk about what's going on "in the room". That will tie into the past and present as needed. 4. ie, I don't like to talk about the past as a full hour monologue. a session is more like a collage to me, bits and pieces from everywhere.

MKAC - If its time, its time.....just march right in there and say it.....and then its out there. Sometimes I have to have in my mind what i am going to say and then , I walk in sit down and say it...... once its out there its out there....maybe thats all you can say, talk more about it later.....start by just saying it! I know you can do it. There are many horrible things that have happened in the lives of so many good people. I experienced CSA from multiple offenders for many years, but I was a child, i was helpless and little and no one stood up for me - and adult me is not going to help victimize little me anymore, so im telling....hope this helps.