T and I have been working together for many years. We know each other well. He knows I haven't been doing well and has suggested the hospital.
For many reasons,I can't go inpatient. I have been very suicidal lately and T knows this. My sui feelings have progressed to the point where I know what I'm going to do and how to do it. I know he will ask. I've never lied to him before but this time, I don't want to be saved. There is nothing to be saved for. He will react as any T would do if I tell him. I have no support at home. They are disgusted with me and find it an inconvenience for me to get inpatient care, yet they hate to see me depressed because it brings them down. There is so much they will never understand. They have no patience with me any more.
Rather than be alive to listen to them all ***** at me, I'd rather go the other route. Maybe I shouldn't go to T if I have to lie. What would you do?

I'm sorry I'm feeling very scared and needy. I need someone to answer my post please.

Calista, please let t help you, i hate that big black hole. going inpatient can sometimes be the best answer, we get the care we need, i was able to have my meds tweaked, and actually felt like a real person when i left.
sending lots of safe hugs

[Nightlight]

I do know what it's like to feel like there's no hope, no options, no way out. There is hope, I promise, even though you can't see it. Reach out to your T, this is something that you can't hide, it's too big. Call a hotline, do whatever you need to do to stay safe, because you're worth it, even though that's not how you feel right now. I do know how exhausting the fight can be. Reach out, so that you're not fighting alone.

[CantExplain]

I beat depression, and you can too!

No reason you have put in your mind can be an excuse for not going impatient in your current state. Do not try to justify putting your life in danger. You are not thinking straight. You must be honest with your T so he can help you get the help you need before you hurt yourself. If you don't want to tell him, then go to the ER for help.

I say all this as someone who has been where you are many times. This is exactly the moment when you need professional help the most, and the safety impatient admission supplies is vital.

[WePow]

Be VERY honest with your T. That is what is best. But wow, I do totally understand!!!! I am so sorry you are in such a low place at this point. You are not alone in that place. But you can make it through.

Calista I agree you need to be honest with your T , tell him what you have told us. Maybe you can go for just a few days, get meds straightened out.

[pbutton]

Please go to see your T and tell him what you have told us.

[taylor43]

Please be honest with your T (((((((((((Hugs))))))))))

[WikidPissah]

Be honest with your T, he can help you through this, even though you feel unhelpable right now. There is a light at the end of the tunnel...don't give up on yourself.

[likewater]

Tell T. I know it's hard. Your family is probably in denial. They cannot ajnowledge the seriousness of the danger you are in. My family and bfriend are the same way. In a weird twisted way, they care about you soo much, they can't deal with the situation which is hurtful for you, and leaves you alone. When you are feeling like this, you have to go AGAINST your feelings. Your feelings are
temporary. Someone once told me sui* is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. It's VERY bad you have a plan. I agree that you can probably go get meds, stay safe couple days, and home home. Your family can deal. The most important, number one
priority is you stay safe. You are more precious than you could ever imagine. Sending you hugs if that' s ok.

What about a day program at the hospital? Partial hospitalization kind of thing? You may be able to get the help you need even without going inpatient, if inpatient really isn't an option for you.

[mcl6136]

Take a teeny step ....can you email t? Can you flag how you are feeling to T some how?

I am sending you hugs.... try to stay connected and do not isolate if at all possible. And keep posting here.

Be honest with T. You need more help right now. You need to be safe. Thinking of you. Please take care.

Thank you everyone. I chickened out and didn't go to T but I stayed safe.
I will talk to him either by phone or e mail later.
I'm sorry to have posted that. I regretted it as soon as I remembered posting it.
I was amazed at the amountof people here who care about me. Thank you so much for that.
I will keep you updated about what I'm going to do RE: inpatient.
Again...Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I'm so glad to hear this!

I second MKAC's suggestion about a day hospital/intensive outpatient program. My T and I made a plan for me to go this route last spring if I didn't get better and the suicidal thoughts kept coming. She called in advance during one of our sessions and we both talked to the intake person--it didn't feel as scary after doing this.

There are options out there. I deeply regret each of my four suicide attempts for how they hurt me and those around me. People do care more than you think... it took me four times to learn this, I guess. Good luck and keep talking to T and taking good, safe care of yourself!

I really hate the day program. Hard stuff comes up and then you go home....it's a recipe for disaster for me.
T e mailed me and said we'd meet Tuesday after I couldn't get myself to go today either. He can see right through me usually, so I'm really afraid to go to an appointment. He is seriously considering ECT because nothing seems to help lately.
My family isn't really in denial, they just don't care. I am an inconvenience and a disappointment. The distance between my H and I is growing by the minute. He can be so cold. I feel there isn't one person irl who would throw water on me if I was on fire. They'd roast marshmallows instead.
Pity party is over.... I'll try to see him next week but what I really want to do is get this over with.

[mortimer]

I wouldn't set you on fire. I'd set a few fires with you and roast marshmallows with you.

I'm sorry you're feeling lowsy now. : (

Glad to hear you have a day program though to keep you occupied during the day, but I know how going home with it is so hard. As miserable as a therapy session might sound, remember that your T can really be your lifeline at times like this, but it is hard for him to throw you a rope if you avoid seeing him.

If you do get to the point of making a decision about ECT, PM me and I'll try to lay out the pros and cons for you. It is very, very important that you make an informed decision. I've gone through the process twice with positive results, but there can be some very serious long term problems for some people. Just don't go into it blindly.

Originally Posted by farmergirl

Glad to hear you have a day program though to keep you occupied during the day, but I know how going home with it is so hard. As miserable as a therapy session might sound, remember that your T can really be your lifeline at times like this, but it is hard for him to throw you a rope if you avoid seeing him.

If you do get to the point of making a decision about ECT, PM me and I'll try to lay out the pros and cons for you. It is very, very important that you make an informed decision. I've gone through the process twice with positive results, but there can be some very serious long term problems for some people. Just don't go into it blindly.

Thanks Chris.
I don't currantly go to a day program, but I have in the past. I watch my grandson two days a week; the other days are a blur.
I've had ECT a long time ago for the wrong reason (wrong dx) so I know a little of what to expect but my circumstances (dx) has changed so I wonder if it's a good thing to do.