[2or3things]

Do any of you have any advice or thoughts you can share?

At the end of last year things had been going pretty well with my T. Around the beginning of this year, however, I started feeling all sorts of distant from her. It was sort of like a rupture, only there wasn't any real "fight" or anything I could think of that was the obvious cause.

Just this past week I realized where much of the difficulty came from, though. I think I misinterpreted something she said, and I felt like she was asking me not to share certain thoughts I was having. I felt rejected and started pulling back, I think.

We talked about it this week, and it feels like it's mostly cleared up. The problem, now, is that I feel like I really need/miss her. (The point, I think, is that I suddenly feel like I don't have to distance myself anymore, and now I really just want to feel better, which means feeling close.) But the opposite is also true. Feeling like I want to give in and let myself feel close to her--even like I want to text her to say that I feel sad and like I miss her--feels dangerous and has me terrified. So on top of feeling so painfully that I miss her and want to be connected, I also feel like I need to work to really, really push her away, mostly so I can stop the pain of missing her, but also because I feel like it makes me a horribly needy jerk.

Does anything similar ever happen to any of you? If so, how do you handle it?

Thanks for any thoughts you can share.

[WikidPissah]

yea. I white knuckle and mismanage thru all crisis points because I am too stubborn to call him. Feels like if I give into needing someone I will fall. Is that kind of what you mean?

[pbutton]

I decided to give in, quit trying to push away, and let T deal with whatever neediness followed. It wasn't anywhere near the bottomless pit I was afraid that it would be.

[karebear1]

Originally Posted by pbutton

I decided to give in, quit trying to push away, and let T deal with whatever neediness followed. It wasn't anywhere near the bottomless pit I was afraid that it would be.

I do this now too.

It's hard because I feel like I have to swallow my pride sometimes, but I have learned that when I do what my heart tells me to do, I am so much better off then if I listenen to my ego. T has always, for me, given me what I've needed when I am vulnerable- and it has helped me learn to drop the protection mode around her. I can't say I am always 100% with this, but I can say T has made it safe enough for me to do it more than the other. And that's saying BIG things!

Wow, it sounds like you've been feeling disconnected from T for months now. My T and I had a random inexplicable rupture from Christmas to mid Feb last year, and even just those weeks felt like *forever*. It's totally understandable that you would want the relief of clearing it up with her to come with feeling better. You have a lot of closeness to catch up on! But maybe trying to be close still feels risky after the hurt and disconnection of the last few months, and that would be completely understandable too. Is your T usually responsive to you when you reach out and try to be close? If she is, then it sounds like it would be a great idea to take the risk of making yourself vulnerable by telling her how you feel ("I'm sad and I want to be close"), as her response would show you that it's not as risky or terrifying as you thought, and you'd get some of the closeness you want.

It is not horrible or needy or being a jerk to feel a need to cement the repair of a long and painful rupture with some closeness. Hell, even politicians and presidents who don't really mean it shake hands at conciliation meetings!

I guess this all rests though on what your contact arrangements are with T- if she's not likely to respond (because she generally doesn't, not because there's anything wrong with contacting her this time) then this would reinforce all your negative feelings about yourself and her. Are there other ways you sometimes use to feel close to your T? I sometimes make mine something, or go somewhere we've talked about, or take photos to show her, but maybe you'll have your own tried and tested ways?

Thinking of you

[likelife]

Originally Posted by 2or3things

So on top of feeling so painfully that I miss her and want to be connected, I also feel like I need to work to really, really push her away, mostly so I can stop the pain of missing her, but also because I feel like it makes me a horribly needy jerk.

I most definitely understand this tension. If I had any great advice, I'd try to follow it myself, since I deal with exactly the same thing. I think the impulse to push away is, at its heart, a self-protective one. But it's also one that is ultimately damaging. Maybe talking with your T about the conflict you experience would be a starting point?

[critterlady]

Originally Posted by pbutton

I decided to give in, quit trying to push away, and let T deal with whatever neediness followed. It wasn't anywhere near the bottomless pit I was afraid that it would be.

I'm doing that in this round of therapy, too. Previous therapy attempts have been very focused on a single issue and I fiercely guarded any other information. Not this time. I'm pretty much an open book with T.

I have developed a dependency on him, but I'm fine with that right now. He's been awesome and has actually encouraged my neediness as I go through my mother's terminal illness. He's told me that he wants me to lean on him as much as I need to for now, because I might not get as much support as I need from other sources. I struggle with letting myself do it, but when I can, it feels very good.

[2or3things]

Hi guys...thanks for your replies. I really appreciate it.

Originally Posted by WikidPissah

yea. I white knuckle and mismanage thru all crisis points because I am too stubborn to call him. Feels like if I give into needing someone I will fall. Is that kind of what you mean?

I think so. I mean, I'm lucky enough that I don't generally have real crises (mostly because I worry so much about what other people think that I keep tight control on my emotions, etc.), but there's a definite sense of giving in that I want to avoid. For me I think it's not so much stubbornness as it that I have some weird inability to gauge my own behavior and how inconvenient or unacceptable it is. So I try to always err on the side of not being an imposition and not acting "crazy." But I really have no idea if it means I'm too closed off, or if I'm actually just being too much and don't realize it.

Originally Posted by pbutton

I decided to give in, quit trying to push away, and let T deal with whatever neediness followed. It wasn't anywhere near the bottomless pit I was afraid that it would be.

That's very brave of you, pbutton. How did you manage? Cause as I said, I feel like I can't really gauge, but I'm also convinced that T would get sick of me in 1.5 seconds if I let myself just give in to my desire to contact her.

[2or3things]

Originally Posted by Improving

But maybe trying to be close still feels risky after the hurt and disconnection of the last few months, and that would be completely understandable too. Is your T usually responsive to you when you reach out and try to be close? If she is, then it sounds like it would be a great idea to take the risk of making yourself vulnerable by telling her how you feel ("I'm sad and I want to be close"), as her response would show you that it's not as risky or terrifying as you thought, and you'd get some of the closeness you want.

I think I'm in sort of a permanent state of "it all feels too risky" with her (well, and pretty much everyone else). It's that problem I mentioned above...I have no idea if reaching out is OK or if it makes me too much of a burden or something. And I think my T is pretty careful not to say too much that would lead me to want to be dependent on her, because she knows that what brought me to therapy to begin with is my backlog of issues around my own mother rejecting me, and my desire to find mothering in other places.

That said, she's said on more than one occasion that I usually completely miss (or dismiss) anything that she says that's a sign of closeness/caring.

Originally Posted by Improving

Hell, even politicians and presidents who don't really mean it shake hands at conciliation meetings!

Too funny, and too true.

Originally Posted by Improving

I guess this all rests though on what your contact arrangements are with T- if she's not likely to respond (because she generally doesn't, not because there's anything wrong with contacting her this time) then this would reinforce all your negative feelings about yourself and her. Are there other ways you sometimes use to feel close to your T? I sometimes make mine something, or go somewhere we've talked about, or take photos to show her, but maybe you'll have your own tried and tested ways?

We've sort of had a tricky history with this. (I used to write a lot of emails, but her policy changed so I'm not supposed to. More to the point, though, she said that I was using email as a way to put my needs out there without really having to talk about them directly.) She's responded to texts and even a few emails when I've sort of spun out, but I try really hard not to write her even when that's the case, and I've been fairly successful. It's just so hard.

I LOVE your ideas about how to feel close without contacting her. Maybe I'll give one or two a try. Thank you!!!

Originally Posted by 2or3things

I LOVE your ideas about how to feel close without contacting her. Maybe I'll give one or two a try. Thank you!!!

Glad it was a little bit helpful- I am probably the Queen of Finding Ways to Feel Close to T!.. More because of my (sometimes seemingly) insatiable need for closeness than because of any particular creativity on my part. One of the ways I've found most productive has been to 'copy' the way T lives. Sounds kind of sad, but I mean- I know that T stays very busy, I know that she makes plans with friends, I know that she cares for herself and her appearance and treats herself to soothing experiences. I know that she tries to eat well and has a personal trainer. I know that she is really motivated and works hard at the course of study she's doing. I know that when she's ill she slows down the pace but doesn't just climb into bed for days. I guess all this depends on knowing quite a lot about T. But overall, it means that in many of my day to day activities and efforts, I feel close to T.

[pbutton]

Originally Posted by 2or3things

Hi guys...thanks for your replies. I really appreciate it.



That's very brave of you, pbutton. How did you manage? Cause as I said, I feel like I can't really gauge, but I'm also convinced that T would get sick of me in 1.5 seconds if I let myself just give in to my desire to contact her.

To be honest, I did it out of frustration and anger. I was so tired of feeling the way that I felt. I decided my next option was to try something new. So I surrendered instead of trying to "act" like a normal person. I decided T would have to figure out what to do if I turned into a total time-sucking leech. After I gave in, I actually felt more secure. Go figure.

I'm with pbutton on this.. I struggled for ages, but eventually I too felt as if I just had to 'give in' to it. Like pbutton I didn't go as overboard and crazy as I thought I might (one extra session, couple of phonecalls, a number of emails.) I still don't actually contact her a whole lot, well.. maybe - about 3 emails a week? But therapy has been quite intense lately, and this way, we've made a lot of progress. Up until I 'gave in', I was pretty much keeping T at arms length, not letting her in, not letting myself depend on or really trust her.. not that I realised that at the time, I just thought I was fighting what I saw as an unhealthy amount of attachment - and fighting being vulnerable, not putting myself in a position that may result in my being 'rejected' - but in doing so I don't think I was really connecting. I realise now that this is a pattern in my life, that I don't allow people to get close to me, and don't really emotionally invest in relationships with people.

Now I feel I can reach out to my T - and I know it's okay, and the weeks are passing and I'm feeling more secure in knowing it's okay - I do feel less urgency to do so. I know she's there.

As difficult as it is, maybe this is something you need to talk to your T about?