[sittingatwatersedge]

yow, this last was a rough session. I cried most of the way through it.

And then, not long before our time was up, T2 hit me with an observation
that had never dawned on me,
which I totally hate
and want to run from,
but have this sickening feeling she is right on target.
Oh no.

After she brought it out I started to shake ... and told her that I felt cold (Anyone else ever do that?)

and she told me - three times - to be sure to call or email her this week if I need her. Now I worry that there's a big backlash coming.
Didn't get much sleep last night. I hate therapy.

[stopdog]

Sorry it was so rough but maybe getting through it will help. I do know about shaking and getting cold at the appointment. Also - if the therapist offers, I really believe in calling or emailing if you need to. And you do not need to wait until it is unbearable - sometimes contacting them earlier is better. She will not mind.

[critterlady]

I've had that happen. And it always makes me nervous when T emphasizes that I can call him whenever I need to.

[likelife]

I'm glad your T has made herself available to you. It sounds like some really big stuff. Is it possible to neither run from nor go toward the observation she shared? In other words, just hold it at arm's length, and let it evolve in whatever way it needs to?

[FourRedheads]

Shaking and feeling cold: yes. Many times.

I'm glad your T said you can call. Definitely take her up on her offer as you process her words!

[BonnieJean]

I've experienced shaking and feeling cold, too.

How are you feeling today, SAWE? I hate the cold, shaking thing. I have asked my T to help me get myself together before I leave to avoid that feeling. I wouldn't like it at all if he sprang something on me just before I left.

[sittingatwatersedge]

looking back, I can see now that T2 had been trying to tell me this for a couple of weeks but I was too oblivious (read: stupid) to "get" it.
So she had to tell me point blank.

Pow!

SAWE... I wouldn't say stupid... the too oblivious to "get" it is why we go to therapy... I don't like it when my T doesn't just "say it"... I don't want to have to think about things he says for weeks and then try to figure out if I got his point... since you haven't said what it it... Its hard to comment but I think I might be happy if my T just said it like your T did...then again.. it might be hard to hear...

[mcl6136]

Originally Posted by Readytostop

SAWE... I wouldn't say stupid... the too oblivious to "get" it is why we go to therapy... I don't like it when my T doesn't just "say it"... I don't want to have to think about things he says for weeks and then try to figure out if I got his point... since you haven't said what it it... Its hard to comment but I think I might be happy if my T just said it like your T did...then again.. it might be hard to hear...

i underscore this....If you could "get" it without therapy, you would have!

Like when I was struggling with addiction issues, one counselor said to me....full of wisdom:

IF YOU WERE GOING TO QUIT WITHOUT NEEDING HELP, YOU WOULD HAVE DONE SO ALREADY.

At the time, I felt dumb.

Now I know I was sooooo smart to be there, in that room, at that moment.

Perhaps you are smart to be in that room in those moments. So smart!

Keep going. You can do this!

Blessings,

MCL

[sittingatwatersedge]

thanks all.

this is so freakin hard. After four years, I was so sure my story was told at last, and time to move forward; but something I truly have always thought of as a nothing showed up a few weeks ago, and T2 thinks it is huge; she showed me that it opens up a whole new level of issues and reasons for them, all of which I hate. Ugly, ugly.

I wish I had met her all those years ago instead of T1; I'd probly be done by now. she is so good at this work.
I hate therapy.

[mcl6136]

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

thanks all.

this is so freakin hard. After four years, I was so sure my story was told at last, and time to move forward; but something I truly have always thought of as a nothing showed up a few weeks ago, and T2 thinks it is huge; she showed me that it a whole new level of issues and reasons for them, all of which I hate. Ugly, ugly.

I wish I had met her all those years ago instead of T1; I'd probly be done by now. she is so good at this work.
I hate therapy.

ahhh...grasshopper...you ARE moving forward. In this moment, as I write this, as you already know.

Ugly? really? All the way down, even as you realize its ugliness, isn't there a bit of beauty mixed in? Doesn't darkness always include an intimation of its opposite, light?

I wish I had met all of my teachers before I did...but I wouldn't have recognized them then.

sorry to go all zen on you.

[stopdog]

I am glad she is good. I agree about the hate.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by mcl6136

Ugly? really? All the way down, even as you realize its ugliness, isn't there a bit of beauty mixed in? Doesn't darkness always include an intimation of its opposite, light?

You are very wise, mcl.

I described to T2 a day 3 yrs into therapy, when I set myself to imagine what my life would have been like if those key [traumatic] things had not happened in the early years. I realized that I would be living in another state; two of my siblings would never have been born; I would never have met my DH; in fact, a great many of the things I hold precious in my life would not be, if those long-ago, sad events had not happened. I told her, I understood on that day that God really does draw good out of evil.

She said, this realization is what moves one from "victim" to "survivor".

Now I have a new set of traumatic facts to look at, which T1 had overlooked, and it's like I am starting over, which is very hard. I tried last week asking myself the same question, but all I found was confusion. I cannot, from where I am now, conceive of finding any good drawn out of this. So.... I guess it's going to take some time.