[jazzy123456]

I'm ready to be done for good. I am becoming aware that an hour a week with a person just isn't enough... having them respond days later after something heartfelt written or sometimes not respond at all to an email is just not enough for me. Having her 'kindly' shove me out the door because my "time" is up, when clearly I'm in the middle of crying is just not good enough for me.. in RL people don't say.. "oh, well... time is up.. I know your right in the middle of processing this major thing but, will have to wait till next week to keep talking daughter/friend/etc." People don't do that. Normally. Or I know you just shared this intimate thing but, you can't call/contact me in that way. So, no calling... People in RL don't do that. And the thing is, I'm really not mad at my therapist- these are just the rules of therapy-- it's ME with the problem. I'm the one who doesn't like the boundaries & they need to be their. It is important for these boundaries to be there for clients and therapists... but, maybe I'm not as tough-skinned as other people... so thats my defect.. not anyone elses.. I'm sure these type of boundaries work great for other people... and thats great for them! but, maybe therapy isn't for me- I'm not wired for it- I'm over emotional and sensitive...I guess I've always kinda felt like the "black sheep" the different one in my family, so its scary walking out of therapy alone... feeling alone...knowing you will just be alone- facing reality man, sometimes reality sucks- I really think I have officially entered adulthood now. Wow. It just makes me feel like a loser sometimes, that I depend on this therapist.. when outside support should be my deepest concern but, when I reach for it I just feel more depressed...So, I hide my feelings and life goes on. A few more sessions and I'm hoping I can be done with therapy for good.

[rainbow8]

Oh, jazzy. You know I've always identified with you. It hurts to read what you wrote; I could have written most of it too. You're not alone. Many of us feel the same way about therapy. It's a catch-22. If it's a friend or relative, it's not therapy; we can't have both in the same person. Yeah, it doesn't seem fair at all. It feels like a knife thrown at my heart sometimes.

I hate to see you give up therapy if you feel so bad about yourself. You're NOT a loser. One suggestion before you give up. Have you tried 90 minute sessions ever, or is that impossible? I usually feel like I don't leave in the middle of something that way.

One more thought. Have you discussed what you posted in therapy as your ISSUE? It's like my pattern; it's what we're working on so our relationship gets talked about a lot. Maybe that's what you need help with, and maybe there IS a way to work on what's underneath your feelings of it not being enough. I always used to think my session was too short until this T and 90 minutes. Or, maybe it depends on the T. I am sorry you're hurting so badly and wish I had a magic answer for you. I wish you luck in whatever you decide.

[WikidPissah]

((((jazzy)))) I am sorry that T isn't everything you need. Maybe you need a more "hands on" T that will be there more for you. Of course no good T would go overtime when they have another client waiting. Maybe an alternative is that you only bring up big stuff during the first 30 minutes? that gives you 15-20 minutes to pull your insides back in.

[Nightlight]

Just reading that made me wish that I knew someone like you in real life, because I related so strongly to everything that you said. I'm still trying to gain what I can out of therapy, but it is so hard, in so many ways. Just before I opened your post I was thinking about how much more of an impact my T has on me compared to my impact on her. The whole thing is hard. And yes, walking out alone, I totally get that. Outside support, what's that? Sorry that you're feeling like you need to be done with it, because I know how hard that must be, to be struggling with that. Life is really lonely and really hard sometimes...I'm sad to hear you feel that way, and struggle with it too. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

[Yoda]

Perhaps you might benefit from a partial hospitalization (outpatient) program. I did that for awhile. We had four group therapy sessions for 45 min with breaks and lunch. People could attend from once to five days per week based on their needs.

[geez]

((((Jazzy)))) I too feel the same. I guess all we can do is learn from the experience? Trying to find the silver lining on a dark cloud.

[Seaswept]

Hi Jazzy

I'm so sorry you're having such a difficult time. I just wanted to tell you that I understand what you mean only on a less intense level.

I recently did quit therapy. I overslept one morning and called him to tell him I probably wouldn't make it and he told me that if I didn't come he'd have to charge me $80 (my co-pay is $20). This was my 1st "offence". So I dragged my *** down to his office having just rolled out of bed.

Once I got home after the appointment I kept thinking about it and realized he really doesn't care about me. It is his job. So I thought to myself forget $80, you're not getting any more of my $ and then called up canceled next appointment and said I need a break from therapy.

It was hard but now I kind of feel free.

[Freefall1974]

Sadly, I feel the same way. Why do I pay this person cash every week to sit there and stare at me in this TOTALLY one sided relationship? It will never go anywhere. What is the purpose? I have friends that empathize/sympathize. They love me. But for some reason I am " attached to this T". Why does that happen? Why do they want us to get attached? it seems unethical. After this week in therapy I am thinking it is all ********! All of it. And i have not posted much but I feel strongly about this. Arghhhh! Driving me c razy and I want to be sosososo far past this.

[jenluv]

Jazzy, boy oh boy do I hear where you are coming from. I'm so sorry. So, so sorry.

[Kacey2]

Yep Jazzy,
I agree 100% There is nothing good about therapy!! It is one big effing conspiracy that should be illegal. Actually I think it is sadistic. T: "Oh let me use some of my fancy skills and tricks to sucker this client in and get them attached to me, then I'll show them what the limitations are all about and what they can't have!!!" F-them therapists.

[Seaswept]

Originally Posted by Kacey2

Yep Jazzy,
I agree 100% There is nothing good about therapy!! It is one big effing conspiracy that should be illegal. Actually I think it is sadistic. T: "Oh let me use some of my fancy skills and tricks to sucker this client in and get them attached to me, then I'll show them what the limitations are all about and what they can't have!!!" F-them therapists.

I was thinking the same thing. **** them all.

[learning1]

I'm sorry Jazzy and I really identify with what you wrote. I'm in the take a break (maybe permanent) and focus on outside support mode. Therapy isn't on my mind as much as it was when I was going. But it is still on my mind most days, wondering whether it could help or not if I continued.

I'm sorry your t pushed you out while you were crying. That would totally suck. I don't think it necessarily means they don't care though. I think you're at your college t now? I remember in my college the therapists were ridiculously overscheduled. So it could be they really wanted to spend more time with you. But it still sucks that you can't have as much time as you need.

I hope you can have a good ending with your t, whenever you decide to end it, rather than an ending that feels too soon or that feels like it's forced because therapy is hurtful.

[jazzy123456]

I wrote this post knowing that it would identify with most of you. Also, feeling disappointed in the reality of how negative my words were/are. I am usually or at least try to be somewhat hopeful in my posts. Nonetheless, I guess I feel so hurt that I couldn’t help myself. I needed to say exactly what I felt in order to move forward and not be tied up in my hurt- kinda like a vent. I think I’ve decided that I DO need some sort of help, as in, someone to help me, a mentor, a support group..etc. but, I have also decided that this support doesn’t have to necessarily come from therapy any more.. but, I do NEED something. I wish I didn’t but, I definitely do. I am thinking about discussing different options with my therapist, to see if she knows anything that would suit me better.. hopefully that’s a good idea. Idk.

Rainbow:

I can’t afford 90 minutes. It usually does help a bit more. But, at the end of the day, it doesn’t feel like enough for miss emotional me. Haha. Yep. That’s just how God wired me. Some of my character and our character we can change and others are so deeply woven into who we are, we actually will spend most of our lives trying to accept that part of us. Anyway, Have I discussed it as my issue? Nope, I look forward to doing it though and I will.

Wikid:

You know, therapists(all 2 of them though) lol. usually say that is best for me- to talk about the "big" stuff first. I have a hard time doing it though.. and I think my “big” stuff often takes longer then the 30 minutes. I guess it takes the whole hour and extra, which is why it bothers me so. :/ And of course, it wouldn't make any sense for a T to go over when another client is waiting. I get it- I just don't like it- which is why I may not be a good "fit" for therapy. I feel like, if you want to be in therapy, you sort of have to accept the guidelines or slowly find ways too, otherwise you'll be a mess and upset about things you don't have any control over. thanks for the support.

Trinity Dancer-Thanks

Nightlight-

Your words are encouraging. As you mention I’m not alone, remember that YOU aren’t either! It sounds like you can really relate to my post.

Yoda-

You know what, any type of “group” therapy sounds interesting to me. Just been too scared to try it… but, man… I could never do any type of hospitalization- I have to maintain an image due to my job and my family would not want that and I wouldn’t want them to figure out I did that.

Geez-

the silver lining in the dark cloud- that sounds like at least half of my life story lol—like my status says, it is within weakness that we learn to navigate through our strengths—just wish it wasn’t so hard sometimes.

Seaswept-

I kinda feel like I’m gonna feel free once I do it. But, change is hard, even when you have a feeling it’s the best thing for you. I’m sorry your therapist did that, sounds a bit wrong to me. I actually do believe therapists “care” though. They care while we are in that room at least.. the problem is.. that’s not enough for me.

Freefall1974/Jen Luv-

well, freefall- you should post how you feel. It helped me a bunch, to at least gather my thoughts. You should. IT is hard what you feel and I too, don’t understand why we are “attached” to them and they want us to be… I am always wishing I don’t become attached..always.. but, emotions do get the best of us. Eek’. I’m sorry you are in pain. And Jen Luv, I see you can relate so I empathize, cus’ this kinda sucks! Maybe it will get better though… I hope so…

Kacey2-

I completely understand where your anger is coming from. How upset it makes us to realize that they want us to attach to them but, then put limitations and barriers that only turn around and hurt us. I am soo soo sorry you are experiencing this. I do see positive things about therapy—I just think I’ve reached a therapy “growth spurt” of sorts and now I need a little bit more to move on.

Learning-

I can totally agree because quitting therapy probably crosses my mind once a day, wondering if it would help, once a day—yet, I still have not managed to quit cold turkey or take a break like you. It is hard. I do want to focus on having a good ending- that struck a cord with me learning. No matter what, I do not want this one to end like my last one did- I was so unresolved- I was just running away from all the underlying ruptures and I think my old therapist was too. No matter what, I want this one to be different.

thanks for all the comments, hope I didn't skip over anyone. if so, it wasn't intentional... at least I'm happy to know that what I'm going through is normal, since a lot of you can relate.

[WikidPissah]

Yea. I get it. I am so obsessive about the time thing. I have actually programmed my phone to buzz at the 40 min mark...lol...how pathetic is that. It's like I am so freaked out that someone is waiting. Of course this prevents me from going very deep so it is a losing battle.

[critterlady]

I never know what time it is when I'm in session. I lose track of the time completely. I never look at my watch and T's clock is behind me. We both consider it his job to do the timekeeping. A couple of times we've gone long over time and I didn't know till he said he had to stop us.

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by WikidPissah

Yea. I get it. I am so obsessive about the time thing. I have actually programmed my phone to buzz at the 40 min mark...lol...how pathetic is that. It's like I am so freaked out that someone is waiting. Of course this prevents me from going very deep so it is a losing battl.

I have my phone to buzz too in case the clock is turned so I can't see it. My reason is different from yours, in that I am not worried about someone else waiting, but I do need to know the time. Strangely enough, it lets me relax a smidgin.