[Honeybun]

I had such a good session today, after a really rough start to it. My T made me feel so understood about the violations in my past, how he loves me in a fatherly way. After years of hard work with this T today I finally felt that he does care, that I can finally have a caring father. Then when I was leaving I ran into his next client in the entrance...young and beautiful and all bouncy. I immediately felt sick to my stomach. It is such a cruel reminder that this relationship is BS. That he doesn't actually give a damn about me REALLY. I am just another client, an appointment in his calendar 3x week. He is an actor in the pathetic movie that is my life.
I went to the gym and slammed weights for an hour in hopes to clear my head. It has not worked and I'm on the verge of tears. I want to call him and tell him how upset I am and all the stuff I'm writing here, but I am not allowed to call him between sessions. I feel like I have just been kicked in the stomach and my heart has been ripped out. I am trying really hard not to SI but am feeling really vulnerable to it. Tomorrow I see my other T and will likely spew all this stuff in there, but not sure if that is a good thing to do. I am so confused right now. I don't want to go back, it's not worth all this pain.

[purplelephant]

Just because he has other patients doesn't mean he doesn't care. He is paid for his services but he is not paid to feel positively about you. Therapists don't like EVERY client. By seeing you (and 3 times a week at that!) he MUST truly care for you. It's not a "normal" relationship, in the sense that we have them in the outside world (and I too find it painful at times) but it is real in its own way. Like your sibling is different from your friend is different from your teacher is different from your coworker. They can all still care.

If your were a therapist, would you be able to just say to person after person that you really love and care about them, even if you secretly didn't? Not many people would be up to that. I believe that your T is genuine. I hope things go well tomorrow

[WePow]

Big safe hugs to you!!! I do understand what it is like to run into the "Miss Bouncy" in the waiting area. And I also felt that same pain of knowing I was going to spend the session bawling doing EMDR work while he just finished with a laughing beautiful young lady that I was CERTAIN he would rather have in the office.

I told my T about that. He didn't even know who I was talking about based on my description! I watched his eyes and he was telling me the truth.

Every client is unique to a T. And what I realized is that the clients who may be the most difficult for a T are also most likely the clients the T celebrates the most when they do make a breakthrough.

Be honest with your T the next time you see him. Your T needs to hear all this from you.

[rainbow8]

I agree with purplelephant and WePow. I like the example of a teacher with a classroom of students. Each one is special in his or her own way even though the teacher has a classful of them. She or he can love each student because each one is unique.

It hurts me to see another client before or after me too. It makes me think I'm just my T's "job". But I know, from the way she shows that she cares about me, that I'm NOT just her job! That's not the way she thinks of me.

I'm sure your T really does care about you and he's not acting. I don't think T's are such good actors because we can detect it if they are faking. I hope you can come to realize that about your T. Can you tell him your reaction to seeing "Miss Bouncy" and hear what he has to say?

[Kacey2]

Aww Honeybunn. I completely relate to this one as well. I too had an event just like this that I posted about a long time ago. Same experience just after I ripped my heart open to him and felt all loved up, I look in the window and there he is all engaged chitter chatter with another girl client. Oh my, the heart ache. Therapy, in a nutshell, just is an emotional shitstorm that we pay for!

I am certain that your t cares for you. I try to remind myself that (A) they have to make a living and they can't do that on one client alone and (B) if it were just one client per every t, ts would not have fullfillment in putting all of their skills into one person. They would become resentful of their one client.

That being said, it doesn't help the emotion mind. It doesn't matter how much logic a person can pour into this. It feels crummy to be so invested in such a weird relationship. I feel for you. Just talk to your t, ok?

[Honeybun]

Purplelephant, WePow, rainbow8, Kacey2,

Thanks for your supportive words. It really is just too much for me right now. The timing of this could not be worse. I'm trying to look at this rationally but I can't seem to. I feel ugly, unlovable, manipulated, stupid and just so unbelievably sad, I can't even express it.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by Honeybun

Purplelephant, WePow, rainbow8, Kacey2,

I feel ugly, unlovable, manipulated, stupid and just so unbelievably sad, I can't even express it.

You may FEEL those things but that doesn't mean you ARE them. Except for feeling sad. I'm sorry you are so sad. You posted before that you're on the verge of tears. Did you cry? It may help to let it out with a good cry. I hope your T tomorrow will help you see things in a more positive light.

[dizgirl2011]

I remember once bringing up the fact that I had seen the next client to my therapist once and thankfully she understood how it felt for me. She then asked me a question that really made me see it in a whole new light and feel much better, she said

Do you not like your friends having other friendships?

She wasnt saying she was my friend but making the comparison and
I realised how that doesn't bother me- if my friends have other friends- and I asked myself why, and realised it was because i knew that it didn't take away from the unique relationship my friends and I have together. Therefore, why is it a problem that my therapist has other clients? It doesnt change the relationship we have. Remembering that helps me.

I know you know logically that if your therapist didnt have any other clients he wouldnt be a therapist- or else a pretty bad one to not have clients but it sounds like you felt insignificant when you seen this other client and began to compare yourself to her and I know how hard that is

[unaluna]

I always figure someone really spectacular looking and well-groomed is not a client, they're a drug salesperson - saves me a lot of heartache! but really, it's the heart of my problem - does T like the other more than me? I can't be a cute fat girl, I wish I could - and he asked me why not, and we started working on that. I do FEEL more beautiful now, not related to my weight - not how I was raised. It's all fodder.

I hear you. Its hard!!
My T says the money i pay her is for her brain, her knowledge. Her heart is not for sale. She gives her heart willingly and cant be paid to care. She cares because she wants to.

[Perna]

And if I fell under the spell of your call
I would be caught in the undertow
So, you see, I've got to say
No, no
All or nothing at all

~Arthur Altman, "All or Nothing at All" (1939)

I've never seen another client (yet anyway.) Not sure how I would react! I like how my t has her office set up, when I go in it's into the waiting room but then she has a door to the parking lot in her office so I don't have to go out through the waiting room. The closest thing I've come to seeing another client was one time I saw the clipboard with the initial forms you have to fill out and her business card attached that meant a new person was coming that day. My reaction to that was, I wanted to write a note on it to the new client something like wishing them well & that they picked a great t. but I didn't of course! I also have to agree that this therapy relationship is a convoluted one!!

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by Honeybun

how he loves me in a fatherly way. After years of hard work with this T today I finally felt that he does care, that I can finally have a caring father.

he doesn't actually give a damn about me REALLY. I am just another client, an appointment in his calendar 3x week. He is an actor in the pathetic movie that is my life.

But is him being your father who he is supposed to be? Maybe you are putting him in a role that won't work?

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by WePow

what I realized is that the clients who may be the most difficult for a T are also most likely the clients the T celebrates the most when they do make a breakthrough. ...

thank you WePow. You have a way of getting to the heart of things!!

[Honeybun]

Originally Posted by hankster

I always figure someone really spectacular looking and well-groomed is not a client, they're a drug salesperson - saves me a lot of heartache! but really, it's the heart of my problem - does T like the other more than me? I can't be a cute fat girl, I wish I could - and he asked me why not, and we started working on that. I do FEEL more beautiful now, not related to my weight - not how I was raised. It's all fodder.

I'm glad you are feeling more beautiful now. I hope one day to find that place. I do feel like an ugly fat little girl (even though I'm quite slender and petite) . Still gotta work on that one!

[Honeybun]

Originally Posted by Sannah

But is him being your father who he is supposed to be? Maybe you are putting him in a role that won't work?

He is the one who has quite intentially put himself in that father figure role and yesterday, after so much work I finally relaxed into accepting it. What a fool I am. I'm still sick to my stomach.

[Sannah]

I hope you talk to him about this?

[Honeybun]

Removed comment

[rainbow8]

I hope you're okay, honeybun.

[Honeybun]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I hope you're okay, honeybun.

Thanks rainbow8. I'm not really okay. This week has been one of the worst in my 40+ years. I posted last night but removed it before anyone could read it(I think). I can't write about it now as it feels too dangerous. The emotional pain is intolerable.

[rainbow8]

I'm sorry. I wish there was something I could do for you.

Originally Posted by Honeybun

I had such a good session today, after a really rough start to it. My T made me feel so understood about the violations in my past, how he loves me in a fatherly way. After years of hard work with this T today I finally felt that he does care, that I can finally have a caring father. Then when I was leaving I ran into his next client in the entrance...young and beautiful and all bouncy. I immediately felt sick to my stomach. It is such a cruel reminder that this relationship is BS. That he doesn't actually give a damn about me REALLY. I am just another client, an appointment in his calendar 3x week. He is an actor in the pathetic movie that is my life.
I went to the gym and slammed weights for an hour in hopes to clear my head. It has not worked and I'm on the verge of tears. I want to call him and tell him how upset I am and all the stuff I'm writing here, but I am not allowed to call him between sessions. I feel like I have just been kicked in the stomach and my heart has been ripped out. I am trying really hard not to SI but am feeling really vulnerable to it. Tomorrow I see my other T and will likely spew all this stuff in there, but not sure if that is a good thing to do. I am so confused right now. I don't want to go back, it's not worth all this pain.

I just have to respond to this because a lightbulb has gone on. I have had difficulty with trusting my T, letting him in, etc. So far there have been 2 times that I allowed myself to feel trust and let him in. Both times happened out of session, but I could feel myself relax and stop fighting him. Both times, the next session after I did this - POW! BAM! The first time when I was driving home I felt like someone had punched me right in the solar plexus - hard. I was devastated. The second time, after the session I just spiraled down into an infinite sadness that was almost overwhelming. I cannot describe how intense these emotions were.

So, you may ask, what did T do both times that set me off? The first time he yawned because he was jet-lagged; the second time I felt that he didn't look at the pictures I brought in with enough interest, plus I FELT that he was distant. Horrible, terrible T, how dare he????

Coincidence that both of these ruptures happened right after I decided to trust? Ha! Not a chance.I managed, just barely, to bring my feelings up at the following sessions and we talked about them and guess what? My perception was totally wrong.

So the pattern I'm seeing (at least in me) is that when we truly open up/stop fighting/trust, whatever, we are unconsciously so frightened by this, or so vulnerable to any little thing, that we basically freak out and retreat.

My guess is that had you not seen the next patient on your way out, the next session would have been somehow disastrous. My T didn't even DO anything - I imagined it all! Basically, he was doomed -I would have found some imagined slight that would let me slip back into my comfort zone of not trusting him.

I really hope that you can talk to your T about this. I truly believe you had a reaction like I did that is probably normal under the circumstances. Four years and you finally relax, and you think it'll just go smoothly? That there won't be emotional repurcussions? Please don't give up. Recognize the emotion and know that it will pass. If you can talk to T about it, the relief will be enormous.

[Honeybun]

Originally Posted by Perna

And if I fell under the spell of your call
I would be caught in the undertow
So, you see, I've got to say
No, no
All or nothing at all

~Arthur Altman, "All or Nothing at All" (1939)

Perna,
After reading the poem multiple times over the past few days, processing what has happened this week, talking to T2 about what happened, processing more with T1, I think I may finally understand the relevance of the poem. Thank you.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by Honeybun

I immediately felt sick to my stomach. It is such a cruel reminder that this relationship is BS. That he doesn't actually give a damn about me REALLY. I am just another client, an appointment in his calendar 3x week. He is an actor in the pathetic movie that is my life.

((Honeybun))

Seeing other clients can be very triggering. What's behind that, I wonder?

Eg, did you have an older sister who got more attention than you?
Or were your parents always nicer to your friends than to you?

[CantExplain]

Thinks: I never felt jealous of other patients.

Was I the favourite son after all?