Hug Issue

Ok here is how the email interactions went between me and T last night and today...
Would you ever take away your hugs because of something I tell you?*
If you were even thinking about not being my therapist would you let me know as soon as it became a thought? I need you to tell me truthfully-have you ever thought about dropping me? Even if it was just a passing thought-any of the times I thought of quitting was there any sense of relief
Also will you ever take away emailing? I mean it might be a good idea but I would just like to know if you would...and what would warrant that being taken?

This morning: *Ohh goodness I'm sorry for these emails-apparently at 2 in the morn I'm very insecure! It happened right after I let myself cry over not having a daddy-and I was actually able to let it out and calm myself-kinda a big deal for me : )
But then the fear snuck in and emails began...
Butttt i still think a positive move-I'm working really hard!!

T's response: Keep up the good work!!!
Mine: But seriously would you ever take away hugs for any reason?*
T: There isn’t a black and white answer to that.* I will try to explain more tomorrow. Is that fair?
Me:Ohh no : (Nevermind I'm not coming tomorrow
T:???
Me: I just don't see how a hug could be in question-I never thought you would even say there is a possibility of not-I'm just really upset that you would even say that-I don't want to come tomorrow to someone who would take something like that away for something-I can't imagine what I could do for you to not hug me...that just hurts really bad...
T: Delicate- I would never take hugs away if there weren’t compelling clinical considerations to do so.* I don’t know what they would be in our work together but I can never say never. There has been no reason thus far and I certainly hope that doesn’t change.* This is why having discussions through email is difficult.*

Then I said I wasn't coming then changes my mind and T said we should process this...ugg I'm just upset T should be able to say that unconditionally he would always hug me...blah-I hate this

Oh man Delicate!! You asked the hard questions and weren't really ready to hear the hard answers.

Don't worry though. Go to T and talk it out with him. You may be surprised. What he has to say may make sense to you afterall!

please let us know how it goes.

My heart goes out to you. big time. I understand and feel what your questions hold.
I have those same questions but have not the bravery you do to raise them. Those questions and your response to the answers are so deep and so important.

Your T is being very fair in his answer. And I know that is the same answer my own T would give! For example, if for whatever reason I had sx transference towards my T when he gave me hugs and he was not able to work through it with me - if I had strong resistance and was determined to think to myself that my T was hitting on me by giving me a hug, well I know he would have to not hug me. But that would be for my own mental health. It would be wrong for him to keep on hugging me in that situation. But to hear that type of an answer would trigger me at a deep level! I know the truth, but I don't want to hear it that way. I want to hear that nothing I could ever do would cause him to stop hugging me.

Allow yourself to work with your T on your feelings around this communication.
There are wounds around these fears that you are now ready to face. It will be very hard work for you, but you CAN do it!

I totally get this... and have been in the same position with a similar question: Will you ever leave (read: abandon) me? Her answer is not an unequivocal no for some of the same type reasons that WePow listed. She'll always qualify this statement w/ "it's highly unlikely, but" what if she saw that our therapy were causing me more harm than good. It's not the case now, at all, but there's like a .1% chance of this. She also brought up that she could get in a car accident or have a heart attack or something tomorrow - she promised me, though, that she has no health problems. She was trying to make the point that we don't know what tomorrow will bring and responding "always" or "never" to some questions isn't a good idea. What she did promise me are two things. First, if she was thinking that maybe our relationship needed some sort of drastic change (and I did ask about the hug thing early on), then we would first talk about it and come to a mutual agreement and no change would be all of a sudden (barring something like my threatening her - again, completely unlikely possibilities). Second, if something were to happen to her, then she would always be in my heart--this is a safe always.

I know how hard it is, but though you might not feel absolutely wonderfully afterward (recognizing that there are exceptions to everything...), I do think that talking to T aloud will help you to feel better about the whole situation.

((DelicateFade))
You talk about hugging but I think this might really be about abandonment.

Ts don't (I hope) want to make promises they can't keep.
We've seen many times on this board how damaging it can be for a T to break a promise.

We so much want to hear, "I'll never leave you." But that's a promise no human can make.

Thank you all so much for your replies...and it helps to see that some have shared in this experience...and I think it does come down to an issue of abandonment-and it also for me comes down to unconditional love...I thought that T would be able to take me just as I am-no matter what I said or thought or felt...even if it was about him...he should be able to handle whatever it is I bring-because it is all me...and I shouldn't have to worry that something would one day bring about a change in our relationship-especially the hugs-omg it hurts so much to write this...
He has talked about loving your clients-a different kind-but apparently that does not include unconditional love-or at least unconditional hugs-I thought about how his kids could never do anything to not have him hug them and it just breaks me heart-I will never have that-I mean I have that with my mom-but all I ever wanted was this from a man...I don't want to have to worry that someday I could say or do something that will have him not hug me-the little girl inside of me does not understand this at all-apparently things can be my fault and I can cause people to change how they treat me-okay I can't think about this anymore tonight...gah : (

I emailed T this morn saying I wasn't feeling well and wouldn't make it to session...which is kinda true I don't feel good-I just want to stay in bed all day-my body hurts.
T wrote back "let me know if you start feeling better. I will be there at 5"
I debated for a few hours and them told him I'll go...I'm like terrified of the session tonigt because on top of the hug issue we are processing my confession about porn...and having sexual thoughts about him-not having it with him-that would just creep me out-but curiosity about his sexual thoughts and life...ugg soo embarrassing-I don't want to go...

you are so brave, delicate! hang in there. you are doing so good! Whenever something is making me "not want to go" see T I know then that I really do need to go and once I do and get it out I always feel better no matter how uncomfortable it is. Its like another small victory..."yay i went and i keep pushing forward"...go ! go ! go!

I think you're very courageous to go despite the discomfort. I hope you end up feeling a bit better about things after talking with your t. Good luck at your appointment, let us know how you're doing later

hope session goes well

good luck delicate...keep us posted.

I agree. Let us know how its goes!! Good luck!

hope your session went well earlier today as it is 7:15pm here in PA.

I have a hug issue too. I wish she would hug me - she wont.

I have this same issue. He holds strong boundries which I respect and value because they make me safe, but the little girl in me is dying for him to give me a hug and he won't.

Thinking of you!!!!

Thank you all sooo much for the support!! I was a nervous wreck sitting in the waiting room today-I felt like I was going to throw up!! So after we did the normal hey how are ya..blah blah blah-T was like "you really freaked out about this hug issue" and he was like "Can I explain what I meant by it not being a black and white issue" and then talked about how there are few cases in which hugging is just not appropriate or therapeutic for the therapeutic relationship-based on the content of what was discussed that day-level of safety in it for both parties-if it were to trigger things in the client and causes distress-then it would not be clinically appropriate at that time-and he gave me an example. He explained that I have not said/thought/done anything that would have him take away hugs-and it is in fact the opposite-that it has been a very therapeutic element in our relationship. I started crying a little bit and he wanted to know what it was about-and I explained about the conditional stuff-and he asked if that sent me into a frantic state (obviously) and then he asked if he could be really honest with me-and talked about how the level is set very out there for taking away something like that in my specific case-he said short of grabbing me sexually-its not going to happen-and that there is nothing to be afraid of-that if it ever became unsafe for me to hug him to let him know-and he would let me know as well-but to really let it go-to not hold onto this fear. He also said that he is not dropping me-he is not going anywhere : )
Ohh-he also said-just because you sent this confession about sexual issues does not mean I don't want to stop hugging you and comforting you. We did not go too much into the confession but I know this session went exactly like it was suppose to...I'm soooo thankful for my T.
*Funny side note-I was telling him that part of this fear was from reading about pepole's T's on here that have taken it away-or dropped them-and instead of saying therapist I said "Their T's would..." and was like "opps..I mean their therapists" hehe!

I am glad he was able to tell you, directly and clearly, that you are safe, and not out of line. P.s. My T now refers to himself as "T"!

GREAT JOB !!!!! Honesty with therapy is the way to go! It is challenging, but that is the way to see through the fog. Your T sounds like mine with the whole "not going anywhere" bit. :-) I am so glad you are able to work so honestly with your T. Good work you did today!

I once gave my T a printout of something I'd typed on this board. I didn't edit out the part where I called him my T. He read part of it out loud and changed it to therapist.

Oops! They broke our code! We'll have to change it.