So sick of myself

I really have no idea how I am. I didn't get back to T to confirm whether to go or not this week - it was pretty busy over the weekend doing practical things for the funeral and I just numbed myself out with diazepam - sleeping when I could.

Then on Monday I started to think about the session and it suddenly struck me that although I had been a mess when I saw T last, T had nto contacted me to see if I was OK - it made me wonder what would happen if I didn't contact T - would T be relieved, would T be concerned, would T wonder if I am OK - would T ever contact me - or is that the boundary / rule - if I am struggling it has to be ME that reaches out to T.

Now it is Tuesday and I have heard nothing from T and it has been a slap in the face reminder of just how false and meaningless that relationship with T is. T might as well be anyone that I pay my money to, there is nothing special" or "deep" or "connected" about our therapeutic relationship and right now I do not want to see T again.

I obviously got it all wrong when I thought that T was there, not just for therapy, but for support - I feel stupid for believing that it was ever anything more.

If I can do this on my own, I figure I do not need a T - there is so much stuff going on and I am managing.

Thanks for the wonderful support on here - this feels more like IRL than my day to day IRL.

Soup I don't know what a meditation bell is, but I remember T1 in the first year - it would seem as if she could hardly keep her eyes open - I was very offended ("am I boring you??" was never far from the tip of my tongue, I am amazed that i never said it)...

after 3 yrs, when we knew each other well, i brought that up and she remembered it perfectly. She told me that it was because i was so closed; the effort of concentrating so much, trying so hard to pry something out of me for an hour straight, was just exhausting. It may be that yr T was the opposite of cleansing himself, perhaps he cares a lot and gave his best effort to help you when you are so tightly closed.

(((((((((((((( sd )))))))))))) I hope you find your peace soon.

Soup - my heart goes out to you. Death/loss/grief is hard ..... and it seems like you are feeling some of these things in relation to your T relationship to? Or maybe it's sort of a projection of those feelings into that relationship? Just a couple thoughts that came to me......
I'm glad you are managing well; but even so, it's OK to need/have support to help you keep doing so right now, support here, in RL, even professional support. You are strong, I believe you are, but no matter how strong people are, they do still need each other, because no one is perfectly strong alone, always.... it's good to know we can handle things on our own when we need to and good to know we have help, too.
With all the big feelings/circumstances going on, it just seems like this wouldn't be an ideal time to make decisions about big things, including ending therapy, too.

Soup, I am so sorry for the trials you're facing now. Life can be so tough sometimes. But one thing I'd like to mention about your T contacting you. I think it's part of the boundaries required for therapists not to contact their clients on their own initiative. I can imagine how frustrating that might be if I were a T. I would be interested and curious how a client is doing but it does cross therapeutic boundaries for them to make the first move.

I'm sure your T cares deeply. I am sure he's not relieved that he hasn't heard from you. The relationship we have with our therapists is different than with friends. The same 'rules' do not apply. Please don't compare his actions to what you'd expect from a friend. What they do is different, not less. He's there for you. Make contact. ((((((hugs))))))

Soup, my T told me once how desperately he had wanted to call me during the week prior to see if I was okay. I asked why he hadn't, and he said it was one of those "stupid therapy rules" that the therapist isn't supposed to reach out to the client.

((soup)) I'm glad you will continue to post on here for support if it helps. Maybe you could give your T another chance? I know you're hurting that he hasn't contacted so maybe contact him and see what he says? I am sure you will be in his thoughts, as you are in ours. Sometimes I think T is fake and only cares about the money but I am really trying to believe they do care and want to help. Here if you need us

((((Soup)))))

I am really sorry to hear this sad news, You're in my thoughts

((((soup)))) thinking of you.

Soup wishes to announce that she is following all rational advice and is off to see T tonight. Will report back. Thanks guys - SD

yay!! good for you!♥♥♥

Good luck soup

I'm very glad you're going to see your T, Soup. I know how hard it is to get through those first few weeks after a loss.

Soup, hope your session went/or goes well tonight.... I think sometimes just being in T's office were nothing else is going on can be helpful... especially when life outside of the room seems overwhelming...

Keep posting to let us know how you are doing ....

Right now I am very sad. I have just been to say goodbye to my father I held his hand, something I have been unable to do for the last 2 years. I kissed him goodbye it all seems so strange and such a shame that we ever said unkind words to one another.

thinking of you today Soup!