Not sure what my point is

Maybe it's something in the air or the water, but there seem to be a number of us struggling with that slippery slope of depression. My uncle died last week, I had this horrible phone conversation with my mother, we thought we were going to be able to move away, and then found out last week that for a variety of reasons we're not going to be able to. My mother in law, who I adore and is typically really supportive mentioned that she thinks that I keep "putting" myself into bad situations that make me feel badly -- she mentioned talking to my mother and going to my uncle's funeral specifically.

My uncle used to live where I live now - right next door to where I grew up. He was at our house every day for breakfast and dinner. He saved my puppy from my mother when she was going to shoot it once. He gave me a different puppy later that wouldn't trigger my mother so much (smaller female that wasn't nippy). He played with me and never was weird or sexual. I know for a lot of people that's just kind of an expectation for adults in their lives, but for me, it was a big a deal. How could I not go to the funeral? I felt like I had to go, but it was a huge struggle walking in there knowing that my mother and sister had been telling all of these people lies about me. My mother in law acting like I was bringing the pain upon myself by going was difficult to handle.

At the cemetery, I went over to my father's grave and someone has been leaving unsmoked cigarettes on his grave. For those of you who don't know, he died of lung cancer. He had quit smoking for years, but after my little sister and her husband moved in with my parents, she and her husband kept smoking in front of my dad and started buying him cigarettes. She actually encouraged him to smoke, even after his heart attack. Everyone yelled at me (actually yelled) about how unreasonable I was about smoking and it isn't that bad. Then my dad got lung cancer and they STILL refuse to think it's that bad and no one would quit. and now they're are leaving cigarettes on his grave. I had a totally meltdown, used the F word in a Catholic cemetery and started throwing the cigarettes across the lawn and yanking flowers off the grave to get to the rest of the cigarettes and grind them into dust. Total total meltdown. then I stood there sobbing like an idiot while my husband held me and then helped me put the flowers back on. My mother sat in her car with my sister and watched. She left without speaking to me.

So, I'm back in the abyss. Can hardly get out of bed. My puppy was literally dragging me by the arm yesterday to get me outside. Shepherds are stubborn, weird dogs. Keep thinking about how much better off everyone I know would be without me. Trying to keep in mind that's not really true. My kids are amazing and they love me. They have been cool about the house issue - saying they think it's most important that they won the parents' lottery rather than the money lottery. Really, really nice kids. So. Not sure why I'm posting this except to vent or have a public self pity party. At least I had to get out of bed to come to the computer to type this up instead of lying in bed just using my phone for the internet.

I think it was brave and courageous of you to go to your uncle's funeral, considering that it would mean exposing yourself to unkind people, pain, deceit, lies. But I think you did the right thing for you, to honor your uncle who was actually one of the decent people in your life, it sounds like. It was for him and for you, and to hell with the others and their lies! I get why your MIL might say what she said, but she doesn't really get why it was important for you to go, even though it did mean exposing yourself to pain.
And the whole thing about your dad and the smoking and the cigarettes .... I don't know what all words I'd want to use to describe my initial reaction to reading that, but it would be something like this ....
What terrible, stupid attitudes and actions. Of course it would hurt you badly. I'm sorry you had to endure that. I can see myself doing the same thing, meltdown city!! But it was probably actually good for you. So what about using the F word in a Catholic cemetery; I think the good lord is probably much more appalled with the attitudes/actions of those putting cigarettes on the grave than he is by your F word and pain and reaction.
Your kids ARE special.

No advice, kids, just here with you.

MKAC... for me this slippery slope gets started every Holiday...so Memorial weekend is not different...

Sometimes...we do sacrafice what is best for ourselves... but not out of a way to bring on needless pain but as a way to honor another person...which is what you did by going to your Uncle's funeral...

I don't think all of this is about having a "public pity party"... I think you are angry... and justifiably so... But you are not going to be able to work through all of these family issues until you deal with the anger... I wish I had some advice on that but I'm still trying to figure that out for myself... I still have the anger for what things were...but somehow I have found a way to let go of the "wanting things to be different"..or "expecting things to be different" and that has let me be with my FOO on rare occasions when necessary without sliding down the slippery slope...

I'll be thinking about you and hoping you can force yourself to not let the FOO win and go do something fun with your kids...

wow. I'm so sorry. but I have missed a few funerals in the past few years. if you are not well enough to go, then you simply don't go - that's what I tell myself. I respected my relatives well enough while they were alive. now, there are two ways of looking at it - they are dead, and either 1) they don't know i'm not attending, so it doesn't matter or 2) they CAN see why i'm not attending so they understand (better now than when they were alive!). What other people think about me doesn't bother me. Except that a few have made their negative feelings towards me clear enough that I will no l0nger extend myself. And that was BEFORE I went no contact, so... anyway, my prev T's always told me that sticking around for the parental money was probably hindering me making (keeping) my own, and they were right. so consider that too.

Sometimes even supportive people have their off days, but I wonder if she meant that going to your uncle's funeral was "bad" because it meant being around your mother, not that it was "bad" to grieve your uncle's death. I think you needed to go for yourself and it made perfect sense to me why you would need/want to.

I'm sorry about the negative stuff going on for you right now. It does seem, if I'm picking up the right stuff from your postings, that interactions with your mother really set you back. I spent a few years where I did not speak to anyone in my family, which I what I needed to do to avoid contact with my former abuser. I wouldn't have been able to do the healing that I did during that time without it. I'm not saying that this is what you *should* do, as everyone is different. But I think that what's important is not getting sucked into those old family dynamics where you play a specific role assigned to you by your nutty family. Maybe this can happen while still living next door to them and interacting with them. As my T is fond of saying-- if one person in the family changes, it usually ends up changing the family system. I used to think she was full of it until I saw it happen with my extended family.

Your kids sound like incredibly well-raised people and even your H seems more supportive than usual. All good stuff, hope that the good stuff keeps on coming.

wow, your kids really ARE cool! I like them already! lol...

I'm really glad you have really good supportive people in your life. You know, when I think about it, most people in this world really are kind and compassionate and understanding... even though yeah, as Listen says, even supportive people have off days... so even though she wasn't helpful in this situation it sounds like your mother-in-law is generally a good force in your life, especially compared to your mother.

Your uncle sounds like a really good man. I'm so sorry for your loss but I'm glad you got to have him in your life for a little while. It sounds like he was a good thing for you when you were growing up. And I'm sorry that other family members acted like such dickheads. People do that, especially at times like this.

Okay so maybe this was Another ****ing Growth Opportunity. But you know what? Take a step back for a minute if you can and see it like this: Funerals and holidays and toxic families are some of the MOST stressful of all life events and you've just gotten a double triple dose of all of that this weekend.

You pulled through it. And your shepard is pulling you out the door now. I hope you let her (I was raised by a German shepard so i know what good dogs they are!!). Even if you can't go outside and you have to stay in bed, it's totally understandable. Cut yourself some slack. You did it. It's over now. Go do something nice for yourself now, then come back and tell us what you did.

As for me I went to the farmer's market and I'm trying to make myself do a bike ride even though it's hot-as-blazes out there right now! grrr....

hugs to you!

I am sorry you are in the pit. I try to make myself do one thing a day. I worked up to two things a day, but that seemed overwhelming so I am back to one. Sometimes I think it is a rational response for awhile - your family and the loss of your uncle =reacting the way you are is not irrational. Try not to be too hard on yourself for the depression. I have found for me, to also be upset with myself over being in the pit, does not help me get out of it. Accept you are doing the best you can at the moment. Coming to the computer is no small feat sometimes.

(((MKAC))) I don't have any words of wisdom...but I am here and I care.

MKAC, it seems like your mom and sister and you all have a role in the family. If you can just figure out what role you are playing and stop playing it. Your mom and sister really trigger you. I just hate to see you in such a position.

I'm sorry about your uncle. I'm glad that you had him in your life.

I am so sorry. This all sounds very difficult. I am glad that you got up & were able to post.

I think Percievd powerlessness was one of the triggers for my depression. As I become stronger and more emPowered I seem to manage my life, my feelings a little better. It's hard when string of events seem to hit. But with time you will be able to manage your emotions alongside feelings of sadness etc.