Freaking out!!!

Im at the ED clinic for my assessment. Im freaking out!!!!! I feel like running and hiding. I have the urge to self harm. I want to cry.

Im not strong enough to do this.... I cant do this!!!!!!

yes you can you are stronger than you think♥

No no im not. I feel like im going to have a panic attack

stop and take some deep breaths,get yourself grounded. why are you so scared? what is the worst that can happen?

Yes, deep breaths. In thru your nose, out thru your mouth.

No one has ever died from a panic attack. Assessments do cause anxiety so you are responding pretty normally. You can do this.

I have panic attacks and they do make things like getting help difficult but I can not fix my problems without some help from professional caring others at clinics and the like. I hope you can move through your fear and get the help the ED clinic can give you.

Getting thrown in inpatient...and having to face the fact that i may not be "fine"

Thanks everyone! i got through it, nervous as can be but i did it. Im still not sure i am going to be able to except treatment though....I go back on wednesday for a follow up and for them to tell me their recommendations

No one says you have to accept everything at once. Pick a thing or two you can accept and start there.

I am glad you made it through...and i like WikidPissah's advice, so I am just going to second it. Good luck on your followup....

maybe....i guess seeing their doctor for a physical i could do...then maybe people can see i am FINE I like that idea though, starting with 1 or 2 things is so much easier to process then so many different things

glad to hear you made it through♥

One thing at a time, carly. Do what you can do, not what seems impossible. When I started therapy in college for an eating disorder, I walked out of the first session. I went back, but walking into that room was something I COULD do. I couldn't follow what the therapist was telling me to do, but I could show up, and I did.

Keep yourself safe and try to know that what they are asking you to do is designed to save your health. It was years before my body re-acquired the ability to regulate my blood sugar.

You can do it! Just take it one step at a time and don't give up. If I recovered from my ED, you can too! It's amazing how much better my quality of life is without it. It's scary and hard, but you CAN do it <3

Thanks guys!!! Yes, i can show up....i just dont think i can do what they are asking me to do.

If i refuse treatment can they force me into the hospital??

to our knowledge they cant force you unless you are a clear danger to yourself but we could be wrong on that so best to ask your treatment providers to be sure

Thank you! This board is so much nicer then some of the other forums i have been on....i just dont know if i am 100% ready to recover, i need to come to that realization on my own without being forced in....

we understand-sometimes there needs to be a complete hitting bottom to motivate recovery. and really,only you will know when that is♥

They can only force you into the hospital if your blood shows that you are so anemic that you will die without treatment.......ED treatment is mostly a if you want it sort of thing from my experience with it. I was 43 when I first dealt with the anorexia that came after I lost my career. Ended up in an ED treatment center for 6 weeks inpatient....my pdoc arranged it because he thought it would help me.....he didn't fully understand that my anorexia wasn't what they considered to be the normal body image issues......I always loose weight when I get stressed & the longer or more serious the stress the more weight I loose. For about a year after that treatment center, I was landing in the medical hospital almost monthly from passing our & needing IV nutrition through a central line. It was a horrible existence actually. I didn't exactly refuse treatment that first time, but it was pretty much useless because of where I was emotionally.....they didn't help with treatment of that.

Second time I dealt with anorexia was 7 years ago (52 years old) while going through a trauma with the home care person when my mother was dying of cancer.....again, it was stress & the trauma which caused PTSD issues.....but there was no treatment that could help me. I ended up in the medical hospital because again, I was so sick & my blood work was at a level that was critical. Even then they won't force you to go into the hospital.....but if you end up passing out somewhere where they call for emergency help.....that's where you will end up is in the medical hospital.....they they will try to get you help from there.

I know it's hard to want help but it's better than death which really is the alternative.

Thank you everyone i am glad i found a place that understands. I am writing my T an email, explaining everything i am feeling. Even though it makes absolutely no sense. It basically says I want to die, i dont want to die, im ready to give up, but im not, i want treatment, but i dont, i want to be happy, but i dont. Hahaha yeah craziness!!!

I am also telling her that i feel like i might not follow the "rules" of treatment once i leave the building and go home(outpatient)....as much as i dont want IP, i almost think it would be for the best because i do better when i HAVE to do something, rather then told go home and try this. Ya know?

It sounds like you are ambivalent.

Because you are ambivalent, it is hard to commit to either side. It is especially hard to commit to not giving up, to getting treatment, to being happy...because these require steady, substantially unsupervised effort.

What if you told us some of the reasons on each side? Reasons to die, to give up, to avoid treatment, to not be happy...versus...reasons to live, to not give up, to get treatment, to be happy?

Die: Easier, no more pain, no failures, no fear, no more depression, no more having to feel so sad all the time, no more dealing with life, no more fighting, no more hoping one day i can be happy

Live: I would be able to have my family and they wouldnt get hurt, i would be able to eat again and not hurt myself all the time, i would be able to go out, maybe make friends, go to school and get a job one day. Hopefully be happy one day

Thanks for answering.

You have good reasons to live, but they are in jeopardy due to the difficulties, obstacles you enumerated. What are the pros and cons of outpatient for reaching the good goals you named? How about the pros and cons of inpatient?

Your welcome Anything to help me make up my mind!!

Outpatient:
Pros- I would be able to live at home, i would be able to still live my life, i would be able to continue work, online classes, and volunteering.
Cons- I probably would not do as they say, i would be very tempted to slip up, I wont feel as inclined to listen to the "rules" when i am on my own, It could be very time consuming if it is multiple times a week

Inpatient:
Pros- I would meet others like me, i would have to do what they say because i would be watched, more structured, i would have time to get used to and learn how to do what they ask before i have to go on my own, i would have all the professionals in one building(no traveling 30mins every time i need to be seen), I might be able to continue what they ask once i get used to it, I would be getting the help i need
Cons- i would have to live there, i wouldnt be able to go home at night, ummm i dont want to? im afraid?

Did you hear back from T?

It sounds like outpatient would mean that you continue pretty much as you are. There could be progress, but you seem skeptical about yourself in that setting.

With inpatient, your feeling seems to be that there could be a lot of progress, as you said, However, it is scary to be away from home. Do you know how long you would be there? What else is scary about inpatient?

And what about the surgery you mentioned in another thread?