Trigger for title....




Can one over come this? The guilt,shame, feelings of worthlessness and being a burden. This is so hard... Did anyone make it to the other side?

[CantExplain]

((Lola))

Poor Lola! You're really having a rough time.

[Chopin99]

My T says yes, but as you well know, I'm still in the middle of it all.

we have not gotten anywhere near the "other side" but if anyone gets there please let us know what its like?

[Leed]

I might not be a good one to talk -- I was only sexually abused one time, and it was by my therapist!! I was in a very bad mental state, but he still sexually abused me.

I got over it because I got better mentally. And how I got over it is because I KNEW it WAS NOT MY FAULT -- Just as it is not ANY OF YOUR FAULT -- none of you here has ANY FAULT in your abuse!!!

You must believe this. You had NO PART in the abuse. You didn't cause it, and it was NOT your fault. You are not a burden to anyone, and you are just as worthy of love and caring as any one else on this earth.

I hope I haven't intruded here -- but I care about all of you. You are worthy of love and caring -- and you need to care about yourselves. God bless & take care. Hugs, Lee

[critterlady]

Not through to the other side yet, but working on it. It is much less painful to me now, although I still have a lot of shame about it. The things I thInk will take me the longest to deal with are the residual effects - not being able to trust, not feeling worthy of good things, especially love, and blaming myself for practically everything.

I have gotten through most of it now, not to say it doesn't creep up from time to time. Let me see. My abuse started around 5 and now I'm 49. So, 44 years to get where I am. Long, slow process. But it can get better with time. The memories are mostly just memories now, not the awful, violent flashbacks that paralyzed me before. That has been a huge relief, probably the biggest improvement in this process. I still have some lingering old habits and beliefs I am working on, but at least now I am well aware of them and can more effectively cope with them. It's not 100% by any means. I honestly don't think that is really possible, but it IS better than it once was.

I quit, no therapy no meds I'm done. I can't take the spouse adding to the chaos... I am going back to my partern of taking care of her and family... I need nothing from anyone ... Emailed T cancelled all appointments and I'm done. Sorry I'm a coward and I'd rather live even keel then rollercoaster I'm on. Back to me last , but at least I know where I stand.

[StrawberryFieldsss]

Well... its your choice but if youre working through difficult things I can say that that does get better. I still have some areas in my life that are difficult, but thats me. I certainly dont think that others are destined to have the same problems that I have. I know of others that have mostly worked through things.

Its possible. If you dont give up though. If youre still young if you stick with it now you'll be way better off later. Can you manage the stress of it another way? I started working out and not only did I get in good shape it really helped with my self-esteem.

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by LolaCabanna

I quit, no therapy no meds I'm done. I can't take the spouse adding to the chaos... I am going back to my partern of taking care of her and family... I need nothing from anyone ... Emailed T cancelled all appointments and I'm done. Sorry I'm a coward and I'd rather live even keel then rollercoaster I'm on. Back to me last , but at least I know where I stand.

Why did you choose this rather than to take care of yourself? Is being resentful and unhappy really better than the rollercoaster? Is the rollercoaster with the therapist or with your spouse?

[SeekingZen]

Lola,
I am sorry you are going through a difficult time. I am struggling with T as well, and your question resonated with me.

Why have you chosen to leave T? How long have you been your T?

I too hope it is possible to get to the other side, but I am presently of the mind set that ignoring the past is what has gotten me in this hole. So I will continue to try w/ T for now, even though I can't yet bring myslef to talk about it...

Wishing you peace.

Originally Posted by LolaCabanna

Trigger for title....




Can one over come this? The guilt,shame, feelings of worthlessness and being a burden. This is so hard... Did anyone make it to the other side?

I know how you feel I also as my own rollercoster of the last days begins to settle I know my only chance is too face it again. Each time I move a little forward.

New moon tonight I think that's been working on me too.

[Sunne]

I sure hope so.

Originally Posted by stopdog

Why did you choose this rather than to take care of yourself? Is being resentful and unhappy really better than the rollercoaster? Is the rollercoaster with the therapist or with your spouse?

its partner....she always wants to "understand", " i dont get it", she wants me to explain my behaviors and thought of which i dont get. Im not the same person, according to her. Its not T he has been wonderful, but its save us or me....and its easier to save us...ie her

[nicoleflynn]

Not sure about "the other side." I am 65 years old and have always been able to make something positive come from a lifetime of abuse...Childhood: Never knew my father, abusive mother (verbal and physical), poverty....120-year old tenement house with cockroaches and rats, snow which came in thru a crack in the wall. .....no phone car, refrigerator, tub or shower.......had my hand held over an open fire by a drunken neighbor woman .

Molested by a drunk neighbor.......joined the army right out of high school and "married" the original abuser and tried to fix the past.

Found the courage to get a divorce after 31 years of abuse.

Then was voted out of membership in my church, with my name up on a big screen, followed by the words, "Conduct Unbecoming a Child of God. ...there is much more, but will stop here.

My point in telling my story is that as children we have no choices, but as adults we do.

I did as much "homework" to heal from the past as I could and my goal was/is to live, live, live..."livin' is hard dyin' is mean, get all of the love you can...in between."

I am EXcruciatingly lonely...for the past 8 years since the divorce, but I make the best of what I have. I am a Freshman in college because I wrote about my life and won a scholarship.

"The past is always present." As my friend (the t ) says: "Who do you want to be and how do you want to get there?!

You have to remember: those feelings of guilt, shame, etc....do NOT belong to you; they belong to the abuser(s)...We all need de-programming to recognize the difference between OUR stuff and someone else's stuff.

Unfortunately, those are old tapes and difficult to shut them up; they are lies someone else told us; if we are to ever find any peace and enjoyment in life, it is imperative that we work on that; even if we have to write some kind of statement 100 times a day: The guilt is not mine. I did nothing wrong. I am going to find a way to put the blame and shame where it belongs!

Okay, off my soapbox now!

[athena.agathon]

Hey Lola,
I think therapy is important, but if you are having a hard time and don't have very much support or don't have enough resources to deal with how you are feeling because you are so busy taking care of other people, then it can be really difficult and scary. You're not a coward for deciding not to do it, you're just doing the best you can to take care of yourself right now.

Or maybe this is something you could say to your therapist? Like, "I'm having a hard time right now, and I need to slow down and work on coping/self-soothing/self-care." If you give yourself one more session to say that you're overwhelmed and you need help dealing with it, you can still decide not to go back if that's what you need to do right now.

[SpiritRunner]

Yes ... it can be overcome.
But that depends on how you describe/define 'overcome', I think. I think I have overcome in many ways - I long ago decided I would not hate, have bitterness or be angry with my parents, my brother, for the terrible dysfunction and emotional turmoil of our home. I decided I would have compassion for my parents and the struggle they had with my brother's issues .... and so little help they had for themselves ... considering everything, they did the best they really knew to do.
I decided it was better for me to have that spirit about it too.
So ... for many years, I thought I had already overcome it.
But I simply did not realize how there had been such an emotional pattern engraved into me, how my deeply negative core beliefs were rooted in that time, or even that I had so few coping skills/unhealthy ones or ones that didn't really work as well as I thought, or that I had so many cognitive distortions.
Now I've learned those things, and am learning to overcome and am overcoming more in a deeper way ....
Yeah, things come up .... overcoming doesn't mean the struggle is gone forever, it means that there is more and more and more victory. Overcoming means not giving up, but continuing, moving on and forward ....
I'd be willing to bet you have more victory than you know and have overcome more than you think right now .....

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by LolaCabanna

its partner....she always wants to "understand", " i dont get it", she wants me to explain my behaviors and thought of which i dont get. Im not the same person, according to her. Its not T he has been wonderful, but its save us or me....and its easier to save us...ie her

I wish you well with it.

[WikidPissah]

(((lola))) I have no idea if there is another side. I am tackling the mental crap from a different angle. no more digging the past, I need to live now.

Originally Posted by LolaCabanna

I quit, no therapy no meds I'm done. I can't take the spouse adding to the chaos... I am going back to my partern of taking care of her and family... I need nothing from anyone ... Back to me last , but at least I know where I stand.

Lola, let me know if that works. I once told my T the exact thing you just said. When I first came to therapy he used to sing the Simon and Garfunkel (i think) song about I am an Island... because I would say I don't need anything from anyone... well after have therapy I realize that is not true... I do have needs and wants and feelings even if I don't know what to do with them or it seems overwhelming...

My T says once you know you have a coping mechanism (need nothing from no one) it usually doesn't work anymore...

I hope this is just a emotional whirlwind and it will pass and you will once again see that you are worth whatever chaos thinking about yourself causes...

lola, not posting as much anymore. it a bad spot.

but please don't give up on you. take a break, breathe.
but unfortunely i have found not alot of people understand
this battle unless they have been there. it is hard and sometimes
feels never ending. like i have been dropped in quicksand. but we
have to fight for ourselves. right now, i am working on keeping my 22 year old son alive, no time for me. but i will get back there. do what you must, but don't forget who is most important in this battle, LOLA IS IMPORTANT, LOLA MATTERS, I CARE ABOUT LOLA!

sending safe hugs

[Towanda]

TRIGGER FOR CONTENT SA/SI

Originally Posted by LolaCabanna

Trigger for title....


Can one over come this? The guilt,shame, feelings of worthlessness and being a burden. This is so hard... Did anyone make it to the other side?

Yes, it is possible to make it to the other side, to find feelings of worth, to feel like you want to live, that it's worth struggling to breathe another day. To not feel like a burden on my family and friends.

It's taken me six years of almost minute by minute struggle. By digging down deep and unleashing the demons, bringing back the lost memories of abuse and neglect that almost killed me. Of being told by my mother that she knew I was being SA by an uncle and they did nothing for fear of breaking up the family. I had to deal with the feelings r/t years of emotional abuse and neglect from my father who could have cared less that I was alive.

I have fought my way through addictions to alcohol, drugs, shoplifting and SI. I still fight these battles today - this has been a bad week and I want to give in on a daily basis, but now I value myself more and refuse to injure my body any more.

It's been a challenge fought with the help of an incredible therapist and pdoc. Some days I've been so tired, so weary - I've been hospitalized eight times in these six years. But I refused to give up. A lot of people have dropped out of my life - some I've shoved out - those that wouldn't participate in my healing, and that hurt. But it came to a point where I had to be more important.

Sorry, I'll get off my soapbox now. I'm having a rough day today and I think this is my head talking to my heart for a little boost of courage.

So sorry to hear you're having a rough time, Lola. I so hope it gets better for you. Yes, it is possible to get to the other side - you can do it You'll be in my thoughts and prayers

Towanda I am sorry for all your pain, and all those things that happened to you and I feel like a knob, because everyone on here is in pain and has hurt...sometimes it just helps to realize Im NOT the only one.

I have gotten through some of it--- my T says its totally possible.

[Honeybun]

I sure hope there is an "other side", but I have my doubts. I get what it's like to not have much support. My husband used to understand the importance of therapy, but doesn't seem to anymore. I can barely tolerate to be around the majority of our joint friends because I've come to realize they don't give a s*it about me and are bad for my self esteem. So I am very lonely in the world, struggling with trying to overcome the abuse I experienced for so many years from my mother, father, sister and several "friends". I hate myself everyday, wonder why I am still alive, feel like I am worthless, it was my fault, I deserved it, I wanted it, I am disgusting and a whole lot more.

So what I have is my therapy...two therapists who care about me and work hard to help me find myself and keep going. Sadly, sometimes this is all we have.

How can you know if there is an "other side" if you give up.