[WikidPissah]

I have an 82 yr old mother that I caretake for. I have been taking care of her my whole life. She was a battered woman (but has been safe for the past 30 yrs), and has both borderline and narcissistic personality traits. She can be quite mean at times. I usually phone her every morning (just to make sure she's alive) and pop in every afternoon to clean up, do laundry, bring groceries...whatever. I also take her to all medical appointments and handle her finances.

picture painted.

Well, I have told her a few times since April that I was on the waiting list for this residential program. Last night I told her that it came up and that I would be gone for 2 weeks. So, this morning, it starts. She called, bawling on the phone about needing a professional to come in and do the carpets today. (the carpets are fine). I was firm. "Mom, you know I have an appointment in the city, I cannot get a carpet cleaner in today". Then she went into her "I'm old and all alone" rampage. I know that she is going to act out all weekend. I also know that once I get into residential it will be one emergency after another. If she can manage it she will even fall and need to go to the ER, multiple times. She will do everything in her power to get me back here. I have put my siblings on notice, but it's going to hell with her calling every day, I can just tell.

[mixedup_emotions]

UGHHHHHH......I can very much relate to this, as I had a very close friend (the one who tried to run me over) with similar tendencies. Always some kind of drama to get the attention back onto her.

Ideally, confronting your mom with your concerns that she may try to sabotage your residential program which is very important for you (or, putting it more gently, that she may make her needs a higher priority while you need to focus on ONLY YOU during that time) and asking her to direct all important needs to one of your siblings. I understand it may stir up some backlash, but I've also learned that sometimes boundaries can be set and respected for a while.

I feel badly that you are in a situation where you feel you have to sacrifice so much.

(( HUGS ))

[AngelWolf3]

I wish I had more to offer than just hugs. I am so sorry that you have to deal with this. M.u.e is right, the residential program is for YOU and that was a great suggestion to have her direct all the stuff you usually handle to another sibling. Best of luck, keep us posted

[critterlady]

I'm glad you were firm. It's a really hard thing to do.

Is there any way you can ask one of your siblings to be the primary contact? Perhaps ask him or her to call her and check on her a couple of times a day (or stop by like you do if they live in the area)? That would serve a couple of purposes - it might help your mother realize that she doesn't specifically have to have you do everything for her (others can do it, too) and it'll help your siblings understand what you go through on a daily basis.

Caregiving is a really tough job. Everyone who does it deserves a break now and then and this program is important for you. It's also important that you not get dragged into her drama 5 times a day while you're there. That'll distract you so much from the purpose of the program.

I think what I would do is leave mom with a list of numbers she can call and tell her that I will answer voicemails twice a day, but will not pick up the phone any other time. Boundaries.

[peaches100]

I totally agree about asking one of your siblings to take over while you're in the residential program. You've been taking care of her ALOT over the years. It's important to take care of yourself for a change. Let her know that unless you take steps to stay healthy yourself, you will not be in any shape to help her. Be kind but firm. Don't let her make you feel guilty!

Wikid, I can relate. My mom is very similar. When my dad was diagnosed with lung cancer, she suddenly had a lump in her breast that she was SURE was breast cancer. She just HAD to go in for a mammogram. On the day that he had a heart attack and a two major strokes as a result of his first chemo treatment, she insisted that I HAD to take to the mammogram while an ambulance took my dad to the hospital and we weren't sure if he was going to live through the day. I refused and told her I knew this was very inconvenient and stressful for her, but we were just going to reschedule. When my dad was incredibly ill (he died the next week), she 'fell' and was unable to respond at all. When I arrived, she was completely 'unresponsive' just like dad said, but when I went to step over her, she suddenly 'came to' to tell me not to step on her glasses. Do you watch the Biggest Loser? You know those women who go on that show? My mom is bigger than some of those women, but she was upset with me that I could not get her to her feet without having my husband help me.

So, really long story to say I can relate, right? And you're not going to like to hear what I have to say next. After my dad's death, my mom made it clear she was going to stand by (or sit because she's too freaking lazy to stand) and let my younger sister and her husband steal from me and be verbally abusive. So I made the decision with my T's help that I was not going to be the mother any longer. I told her what my expectations were for the relationship in terms of treating me and my children with respect. She has made it clear that she cannot treat me or my children with any kind of normal treatment. So, I no longer go to see my mother. I will not go and help her. I let all of her calls go to voice mail and then I listen to my voice mail to see if it's really something that is an emergency. If it isn't, I don't call back until the next day.

Don't answer the phone. That is far and away the simplest solution. Especially since it's a residential program. Perhaps you could tell your mother that the treatment program does not allow you to take your cell phone. And then tell the treatment providers that you do not wish to accept phone calls from your mother and have the calls screened out. Programs around here won't even ALLOW direct calls with family members for the first several days at least.

Good luck!

[unaluna]

You put it in terms they can understand. You just explain it's like one of those programs they send people to on Dr Phil (or the soap operas), where they don't LET people have phone calls. (YOUR word doesn't mean anything, but Nikki on The Young and the Restless, well, she KNOWS her.) My mother's pea brain got all jumbled and just gave out over trying to figure out if she should be mad about losing control, or proud that "important people" wanted to examine and improve a brain SHE had created

[WikidPissah]

thanks everyone. You guys are awesome. I will respond later, I have to head off right now.

[mixedup_emotions]

Hankster, your suggestion of saying that the program doesn't let people have phone calls set off all sorts of warning bells in my brain....I know that my former friend would always investigate to prove that people were lying to her, so I wonder if saying something like that would stir up more drama in the way of calling the program, proving it was a lie and becoming attacking. If it's someone that you know won't make the effort to prove you wrong, then great! But I try to be as direct as possible with my feelings (cuz feelings aren't wrong, right? Of course, my former friend would say they are)....

It's scary to think of how I spent so many years walking on eggshells with her.....UGH.

That sounds extremely difficult. Ugh. I definitely agree that you should tell her that you can't receive any calls on your cell phone. If an actual emergency should take place, your siblings can reach you at the residential programme. You need to create a space for yourself in order to get as much out of these weeks as you can, and you really deserve to get that. No guilt for making this happen and work for you.

[unaluna]

oh, mue - I just assumed the program would be no-call. I guess I have watched too many soap operas in my time! - the actresses usually take their maternity leave then, so they really are incommunicado! but I know about not being believed. my FOO didn't believe me when I said I had to work certain holidays, etc - they just didn't understand the nature of my computer job. I guess they figured if my cousin's husband called golf "work", I must be pulling the same kind of scam. I wish I had understood better why they were pressuring me. They made it sound as if I truly had a choice between work and family. But to them, they didn't believe there WAS work - they thought that by not coming, I was just rejecting family, not trying to save my effing job. which I did get fired from, because they won. I hate them.

[karebear1]

Gee........... you people here on PC are so dang smart!! GREAT IDEAS everyone!

And WP- hope it all works out for you. You are one good daughter!

[kiki86]

I don't have any advice to add i'm afraid. just hugs

Most residential and inpatient programs let you designate if and who you want phone calls from, so if you don't want mom to contact you, it can truly probably be arranged. Go beyond just putting your siblings on notice. They need to be taking over mom duty completely while you are away. In fact, they should be probably doing more of this regularly now anyway, although maybe they already are. I can't quite tell from your post.

[skeksi]

I agree re: controlling the phone calls. Sometimes it's just easier to lie than to have the confrontation about why you can't be at her beck and call.

I have had to draw some boundaries with my mom over similar stuff. It was really, really hard to say "Sorry, I can't" the first few times, but it got easier. It is not quite so upsetting to me (or her) now. One thing that helps that might help you when you finish with your program is, when I decline I try to give an alternative that I am saying yes to. For example, mom might say, "I want you to come do X right now." and I might say, "UNfortunately, I can't come do X now. But this weekend, why don't I come over and do Y? I really want to see you and do Y." I may have even learned the strategy here on PC!

I hope your program is really helpful to you!!!

I used to be the caregiver. For a reason I will never understand, that "honor" went to brother and SIL and I was left out of all of it. I am not allowed to be involved in any aspect of my mother's life. There is no happy medium, I guess...it's too "all or nothing". I really hope you can concentrate on yourself and your siblings will handle the rest. Good luck to you.

[WikidPissah]

MUE...your friend sounds like my mom. sorry you went thru that!

Wolfin..thanks, hugs are greatly appreciated

Originally Posted by critterlady

I think what I would do is leave mom with a list of numbers she can call and tell her that I will answer voicemails twice a day, but will not pick up the phone any other time. Boundaries.

This is kind of what I was thinking, thanks CL.

Originally Posted by peaches100

Be kind but firm. Don't let her make you feel guilty!

Guilt is a difficult thing to drop, but I am trying.

Originally Posted by My kids are cool

Don't answer the phone.

Your mom sounds a lot like mine, except mine is a itty bitty little thing. I am going to keep my cell phone off. There is a payphone that is only on for a couple of hours, the number is unlisted and the desk won't give it out. They will only take calls from people I have signed a release for...that won't include mom.

Originally Posted by hankster

You put it in terms they can understand. You just explain it's like one of those programs they send people to on Dr Phil (or the soap operas), where they don't LET people have phone calls. (YOUR word doesn't mean anything, but Nikki on The Young and the Restless, well, she KNOWS her.)

ha...yea, I will probably have to dig out an old Marcus Welby episode though!

Originally Posted by Apteryx

You need to create a space for yourself in order to get as much out of these weeks as you can, and you really deserve to get that. No guilt for making this happen and work for you.

I do need some space, it's been far too long.

Originally Posted by farmergirl

Go beyond just putting your siblings on notice. They need to be taking over mom duty completely while you are away. In fact, they should be probably doing more of this regularly now anyway, although maybe they already are. I can't quite tell from your post.

I have 6 siblings, 4 live in other states but 2 are close by. They don't do much care, but my brother does kick in on weekends for me. The problem usually ends up being that she wants me. (but when she has me she's mean..arg)

Originally Posted by skeksi

For example, mom might say, "I want you to come do X right now." and I might say, "UNfortunately, I can't come do X now. But this weekend, why don't I come over and do Y? I really want to see you and do Y."

I think you have listened in on my phone calls...except if I say I can't do something today she shows up on my doorstep unannounced. I should have never bought a home this close to her.

THanks Karebear

Kiki...hugs are always great.

Originally Posted by Calista+12

I am not allowed to be involved in any aspect of my mother's life. There is no happy medium, I guess...it's too "all or nothing". I really hope you can concentrate on yourself and your siblings will handle the rest. Good luck to you.

Sorry you were cut out Calista! That's hard too.

[WikidPissah]

I actually won't be going residential for a few weeks. They require me to be in weekly T before going in for at least 3 weeks, so in a couple of weeks they will take me right in.

I really didn't want her to know I was leaving until the last minute...but I guess this will have to do. More time to set things up with my brother.

ahhh Marcus Welby...I'm in love with Dr Kiley...

Originally Posted by WikidPissah

I actually won't be going residential for a few weeks. They require me to be in weekly T before going in for at least 3 weeks, so in a couple of weeks they will take me right in.

I really didn't want her to know I was leaving until the last minute...but I guess this will have to do. More time to set things up with my brother.

Does that mean weekly T with your T or with one of theirs?

[stopdog]

It is hard with parents. Good luck with it. Sorry to hear you could not start the program right away. Will seeing the therapist two more times be okay with you?

MKAC and Wiki...what are the chances that our mothers are related? Don't answer the phone, I agree... I do the voice mail thing with my mother, except i don't ever call back. She has a facebook account and I reluctantly accepted her request, if she dies Ill hear about about.

[googley]

I am so sorry you are in this situation.
My mom is similar. She wants me to come home to visit but then is extremely abusive when I am there.

I agree that your siblings should take up the slack while you are gone, whether they want it (or your mom wants it). They can even do things like rotate. The ones far away call in the morning, and the ones near by stop by in the afternoon.

You need to take care of your first.

I hope you get a lot of good work done at your program.

[WikidPissah]

Originally Posted by Readytostop

Does that mean weekly T with your T or with one of theirs?

with mine. I just hope he's feeling better next week.

Originally Posted by stopdog

It is hard with parents. Good luck with it. Sorry to hear you could not start the program right away. Will seeing the therapist two more times be okay with you?

Yea...it's fine. He is being more supportive now that he sees how much better my brain is off meds. So stopdog, I have to ask, who was your 1 hug?

Originally Posted by LolaCabanna

She has a facebook account and I reluctantly accepted her request, if she dies Ill hear about about.

I would rather die then have her as a fb friend. Yikes. Good thing she's not internet savvy.

Originally Posted by googley

My mom is similar. She wants me to come home to visit but then is extremely abusive when I am there.

Wow...your mom too? We need to get a club going.

Just talked to her...told her I wouldn't be going for a few weeks yet. Her response, "I don't know, I had a lot of things planned for this month. I don't know why you do this all the time. A good woman would never leave her family unattended" arg. I was hospitalized once last year, she still harps on about it.
And leaving your family unattended??
Holy selective memory batman.

[misscath007]

Caretaking is scary when you have a parent who does not push your buttons. I am a primary caregiver to my dad who has Alzheimer's. He can still do a lot for himself but he cannot live alone. I am lucky in that right now, he is managable but there may come a point when he won't be. I also have a sister five minutes away who will help out when needed. i am going through some health problems and need all the help I can get.

I say ask your siblings to help you out and don't take NO for an answer. You have helped your mom all this time and now YOU need the help. Your mom will have to accept it because that's all you can do right now. Best of luck, I know it's not easy.