[SoupDragon]

I can't even remember choosing T to be my T, but he is the opposite gender to me and that has felt most comfortable. When I have thought of female therapists, I haven't been able to imagine sitting there for an hour with a female.

There have been big trust issues with T (not T's fault) and I have been unsettled and exploring quitting for a couple of weeks.

There have been some things in the imaginary "safe" for sometime and I had thought that some of the things didn't need to be in there anymore. T and I explored that a little last week and we came to the conclusion, that maybe it would still be worthwhile keeping an open mind to explore them at some point, rather than avoiding it.

A couple of days ago, something happened to trigger some extremely clear memories for me. They are very old memories, but are vivid and stuck in my head. The name of the person who they relate to, has also become very vivid in my mind, when for the last few years, I could only recall the first name, but now the surname is there as obvious as anything. I googled this person and now have an image, that I can't stop going back to see - this person is 32 years older, but there is no mistaking them.

I e-mailed some stuff to T about it yesterday, but since then it has hit me that I have to go and sit in a room with T on my own on Tuesday. Although I always feel anxious with T and find it hard to relax and open up, this feeling is different. It isn't anxiety about being in the "spot light" but more of a fear of being on my own with him. I absolutely know I am safe there, yet telling myself this isn't helping.

I am now wondering whether this underlying fear of my physical safety has been there all along with T. Yet he knows more about me than anyone else has ever known in my life. It is all very confusing - I want to see him as he is the person I think of when my head is a mess, yet at the same time I am suddenly scared of him.

I'm just not sure how to get my head to calm down about it all.

[CantExplain]

I've always chosen a woman and I've never regretted that.

and we cannot work with males anymore,sorry youre struggling right now but rememember your counselor is NOT the one who you are now recalling ♥♥♥

[WikidPissah]

I chose a male T simply because women intimidate me. I was never taught how to be a girl, so I feel weird around women, like they'll somehow know I am not a girl inside....or something.

That being said, as of late I don't feel so safe with T either.

Do you think that you're unsafe feeling will recede once you see him? Sometimes I get really scared in my head, but when I get there I'm like, oh yea, it's just T.

[SoupDragon]

Originally Posted by WikidPissah

I chose a male T simply because women intimidate me. I was never taught how to be a girl, so I feel weird around women, like they'll somehow know I am not a girl inside....or something.

That being said, as of late I don't feel so safe with T either.

Do you think that you're unsafe feeling will recede once you see him? Sometimes I get really scared in my head, but when I get there I'm like, oh yea, it's just T.

I was taught all the wrong messages about women from other women (and men) and although I struggle to be close to any gender, feel I understand men more - a huge generalisation I know.

I am hoping I will feel Ok when I actually see T - it is just at the moment, there are all sorts of warning bells going off in my head and drawing parallels between this memory and being on my own with T - like part of me is telling me to beware that this is not (another) serious error of judgement.

I don't feel I can talk to T about this as it would seem pretty insulting after all his patience with me.

I have faced a lot of betrayal in the past and therefore my alarm gets pushed quite easily.

I am trying to calm things, but feel this potential for a complete over-reaction. I am so sure this is all a transference thing, but there seems to be such a big gap between my head and my emotional response to things.

[Perna]

I definitely would quit going to look at the man online. They say we women have a almost unconscious different way of being, just because we are female and know males are bigger and stronger than we are; a man walking down a city street has no cares but a woman, in the very back of her consciousness has a little attentive being who is aware of who is walking up behind her, whether it is a man or a woman, etc.

Fears and feelings can't hurt us. You know you are safe with T but because of this recent experience/memory you are having difficulties. Talking to T and working it through (that it is in the past and not happening now) will feel unpleasant and scary but really be worth it now, with this situation, and in the future with possible other similar ones.

[Towanda]

Originally Posted by WikidPissah

Do you think that you're unsafe feeling will recede once you see him? Sometimes I get really scared in my head, but when I get there I'm like, oh yea, it's just T.

This is the way I feel sometimes when I get bent out of shape/really angry and determined to be mean and sarcastic with T. Then I get there, see him, and am reminded of how much he's done for me, how much he cares about me, and how much I value our relationship. It knocks me back into reality pretty quickly - the trust factor floods back in.

I'm not making light of your fears by any means, but our heads can really do a job on us sometimes.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by SoupDragon

I am hoping I will feel Ok when I actually see T - it is just at the moment, there are all sorts of warning bells going off in my head and drawing parallels between this memory and being on my own with T - like part of me is telling me to beware that this is not (another) serious error of judgement.

I don't feel I can talk to T about this as it would seem pretty insulting after all his patience with me.

I have faced a lot of betrayal in the past and therefore my alarm gets pushed quite easily.

I am trying to calm things, but feel this potential for a complete over-reaction. I am so sure this is all a transference thing, but there seems to be such a big gap between my head and my emotional response to things.

But this is exactly the reason TO tell him about it - because it IS transference, T will NOT be insulted, he knows it's not really about him. It's like you're working on a huge jigsaw puzzle together - by not telling him about this feeling, you're hiding this puzzle piece in your pocket.

I agree with Hanky - He will understand it's not him, and he may even be expecting these feelings. Try to remember that these are emotions, not logical thought. Try to separate them out from your head, and keep them from influencing your thoughts. You KNOW you are safe with T! But your emotions are making you FEEL that you are not safe. I hope you can realize that there are two different things going on right now.

Man, when these memories from the past start coming out I can't believe how powerful they can be!!!! The words "swept away" come to mind, at least for me. I think it's one of the biggest battles of therapy.

I hope you can talk to T about all this, because then maybe you can get through it and understand and the emotions will subside. Sending good thoughts your way ...

[SoupDragon]

Thanks everyone - it is all so confusing right now, but I shall return to read these posts frequently to help remind me. Soup

((((Soup))))

I have asked for a woman for when I do start therapy, I know I will find it hard to trust and to talk to a man.